Introducing...

The newest edition to our family...Simba!!

He was my Christmas present from Mustafa and BOY did he come at a perfect time...This holiday season is just breaking my heart not having Leila here with us.

Simba has been a breath of fresh air from all this grief. He is SUCH a playful and loving little guy and I already love to spoil him. Oh and he absolutely loves spending time with his Mama :)

Leila,

Do you like your new puppy?? I imagine you chase him around the house when I watch him run from room to room so randomly. I know you would have loved having him as your little buddy growing up. He's so sweet and I know he would have loved you too. I hope you're having fun in heaven Leila boo, this holiday season just isn't the same without you...I miss you sweetie!

Love,

Mama

giveaway prize!

I told you guys I would post a picture of the bear I won from Mary over at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas Here it is!
Isn't is adorable?! It's SO soft and it even came with a certificate with Leila's name on it! Thank you Mary SO SO much, I just love it and I'm sure she does too!

WINNER!

I never win ANYTHING...seriously. I was so upset a couple weeks ago Mustafa and I went to his company's Christmas party and we put ALL of our tickets into the BIG box for the BIG all inclusive vacation for 2 to ANYWHERE in the world. I was SO confident we'd get it. My thought process was OK we've been through a LOT this year I think we deserve this...then the unthinkable...his co-worker wins! lol UGH She won TWICE that night. TWO paid vacations! One to Hawai'i and one to anywhere in the world! Shouldn't there a be a rule against someone winning twice? :/ Well there should have been. Maybe then we'd win...

Anyways, I finally won! Mary at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas held a giveaway for Tina's 25 days of giveaways

and I won!! She was giving away an adorable bear with your choice of one of the cute little outfits to go with it. I LOVE IT! Now I will have something to cuddle with in addition to Leila's blanket. It means so much to me, Thank you Mary! I'll add pics of the bear when I get it in the mail :) I can't wait!!

Leila,

I miss you ku'uipo. Tomorrow we're taking Christmas pictures and you won't be there...It just breaks my heart that I won't ever again see you in any other family pictures then the one we have together. You're supposed to be here for the holidays. I mean I know you'll be with us no matter what, I just wish I could hold you again. :(

Do you like the bear Mary is giving us?? :) Isn't it cute? Have you met Lukas up there yet? If you haven't you should look for him. I'm sure he's just as much of a sweetheart as his Mommy is. Please give him a hug and all the other babies a hug for me. Also tell Alyssa thank you for the Christmas card! and tell her Auntie Kalia loves her.

Mommy loves you!

No direction

This post is going to be ALL over the place because I have WAY too many things going on in my head lol...well first, I got all A's this term! :D YAY! I'm honestly SO surprised but VERY happy I did it!

Christmas

We finished our tree finally! Well I guess this was last weekend, but we had been putting it off for so long because of finals and just not having any time. But I'm proud to say it's done and I love it! I got an L for Leila :) I wanted to make dragonfly ornaments and add them to our tree but again, no time. BUT next year they will be there for sure!

Family

I'm just not sure how to put this other than, I'm REALLY angry at my family. NOT my immediate family but just others throughout my family...a cousin here, a cousin and an uncle there...*sigh* So, first story, my cousin (who is SO irresponsible by the way) got his girlfriend knocked up and she was due a couple months after me. She had her baby nice and healthy YAY for them...well then I just found that she is pregnant AGAIN!...Their son is 3 months old and she is expecting another one. They do NOT take care of their child now...have they never heard of BIRTH CONTROL?! They're living with my Grammie and sucking her dry. She is retired and should be enjoying her retirement but instead has to raise her great grandchild and now another on the way...AND not to mention my poor Aunt had a stroke a couple years ago and has to be taken care of 24/7. SO that means my Grammie has to take care of her own daughter, her grandchild and his girlfriend and now BOTH of their babies. I can't believe this. Is there anyone in charge of giving people babies? Because if there is I'd like to have a talk with them. This is just ridiculous and it really upsets me. p.s. I'm NOT saying they're not allowed to have children but c'mon...at LEAST be able to take care of yourselves and the one child you HAVE before you bring another child into this world. It's just sad. I know so many women who deserve to bring their children home and just don't get the chance too. They have done/do everything right and still there's no way to avoid their children dying :'( ...........On another note, I'm not really sure what to think of my Uncle and his family. He was the one who lectured me when he found out I was pregnant and then said nothing when Leila died. Absolutely nothing. Well this Friday my little cousin, who I think is 17 is singing in the Christmas choir and wants me to go support her. I know "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" but I just can't get myself to go. It really hurts my feelings that none of them came to Leila's funeral nor did they call or even send a card. I'm not looking for pity, I guess all I wanted was an "I'm sorry for your loss". I want to feel like they care about Leila. I guess even in death I feel like I need to come to my own daughter's defense. I don't want her to be forgotten by ANYONE, especially not my family.

Mail

I got mail!! Well I did AND Leila did :) Leila got a Christmas card from her Auntie Ann and cousin Alyssa. It is SO adorable by the way. I haven't had my camera lately so I'm not able to take pictures yet, but I'll edit this post and add them later. :) Thank you SO much Ann and Alyssa. We love you both SO much and are SO grateful for having you two in our lives. Her Christmas card really means a lot to me and I couldn't be more happy to receive it. p.s. this is her FIRST and probably ONLY Christmas card she will get this Christmas. :'( so when I say it really means a lot to me that you and Alyssa thought of her, I truly mean it. I love you guys!

I also got a birthday card in the mail! My birthday was November 21st but I think it was a little late because it was sent from Belgium! Can you believe that?! How sweet is that to send a card to someone who's not even in the same country? THAT just melted my heart. I'll include a picture of the card later. Thank you SO SO MUCH Rubia!! You can follow her journey at rubiadejimani.livejournal.com. She lost her sweet baby girl Yael @ 38 weeks (stillborn but STILL born) She is currently prego with rainbow so PLEASE all your thoughts and prayers with Yael's little brother or sister.

Well I think that is all for today. If you got this far then GREAT, if not I completely understand :)

Worst night ever

The other night was...TERRIBLE. I sat in the bathroom for over an hour crying. It was the worst I've cried since Leila died. *sigh* I don't want to go over what triggered it, but all I know is it was bad. It's been 8 months...you think it'd be "better" by now right? WRONG. I know people who STILL have these days after years and years of living without their children :( I just don't see it getting better any time soon. I feel SO bad for my mom because she wants so badly to help me, but she can't. She knows when I'm having bad days...well according to my status updates on facebook...but she sees the pain I have to deal with everyday and I know it just breaks her heart. I try to fake being happy when I'm around the family because I don't want them to see me sad all the time...Well, I don't know if "faking" it would be the right word because it almost sounds like I'm not happy when I'm with my family [even though I am]. I can be happy in the moment. It's overall though that I can say I'm not truly happy. I'm not happy now that my daughter's gone. I'm not happy I'll live with this for the rest of my life. I'm not happy that God has her and I don't. What I AM happy for is when I spend time with family. Seriously, they are the only people that have kept me going. When I say family I mean my blood family (not all of them lol), Mustafa, really close friends, my BLMs, etc. These are the people I have to thank for keeping me somewhat sane. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Also, thank you all for leaving me comments, I RARELY answer them and that's my fault :/ but I do want you all to know I read them and am VERY thankful for each and every one of them.

On another note, I've finally finished my christmas tree. It's been sitting in our living room bare for the longest time. It's pretty cute now :) I'll take pictures of our Christmas decorations later since Mustafa took our camera.

Leila,

It's really windy outside today so I can hear your wind chime right outside our window REALLY loud...and I LOVE it. I always feel like you're telling me, "Mama, I'm here". I know you're always with me and I love that. Did you see the little reindeer I got you that's sitting right beside your picture? Isn't it the cutest thing? I may have already mentioned it but I can't remember, so just in case I mentioned it again :) I love you SO much my baby and I continue to miss you MORE than you can even imagine. Did you notice our blog makeover? Isn't your precious face just adorable?? I think so!! Tutu always makes fun of your hairy little body [all in good fun of course :) ] but I know it was because you were so little. All that hair would have fallen out lol. Either way you are the cutest baby ever...no matter how tiny and hairy you were/would have been.

p.s. thank you for letting your mama borrow your blankie every night, it really does bring me comfort to cuddle up with it.

Love,

Mama

If I ever

If I ever see her again, what would I say? Would I yell? cry?...I have dreams about her constantly...to the point where I almost seem obsessed with the whole thing. My ex-best friend still believes that she can relate to me after she chose to have an abortion. I know I've probably talked about this a million times but I just can't shake this. I know that I will NEVER be friends with her again...never. I just feel like I need closure. I have SO much to say to her that I can say on my blog, facebook, to Mustafa a million times that she would never hear and that in itself just eats me up inside. I want her to know how I feel...how angry I am that she wasn't there. The fact that she made up excuse after excuse as to why she didn't come visit us in the hospital. Why she didn't come to March for Babies when she promised me she would. Why she couldn't pick up the damn phone to tell me how sorry she was. I just can't get over it. I mean, I'm over it I just can't stop thinking about it. So does that mean I'm not really over it? I know I shouldn't even waste my time trying to explain things to her because we will never have the friendship we once did, but I can't help but feel like I at least have to tell her that. I want her to know. Not for her sake, but for my own sanity. In my dreams of her I'm always so angry. I'm either yelling at the top of my lungs at her or beating her ass. p.s. I'm not a violent person AT ALL. I guess this is just my sub-conscience trying to release all the anger I feel towards her somehow. I guess it has to go somewhere, huh? I don't know if I've already said this, I probably have, but about a month ago (I think) Mustafa ran into her at a concert, party, whatever and she cried to him saying that she needs to talk to me. I've heard her cry and apologize for other things she's said/done in the past so I wasn't moved this time around. I really didn't care. Kind of laughed about it even. It just seems so fake to me. Anyways Mustafa and I are at a point where we just want her to leave us alone. She comes with TOO much drama that I especially don't need in my life right now. Like I've said before I know we won't be friends, I just want to get this out of my system and move on. *sigh*............

I got through

I know I haven't written on here lately. I really do mean to but then I always seem like I never have enough time in the world to just relax. School has been MORE than hectic this term and I'm SO happy it's over. Anyways, today I've finally talked to my friend who I've talked about before on this blog. I won't mention his name again but we'll call him "J". He texts me telling me that he's crying because he's thinking about Leila. There was only ONE time he's said anything about her after her funeral. Just once. After that I chose to keep my distance after getting hurt too many times at the fact that he avoids the subject. It's been this way with a lot of my friends. I thought this was the perfect time to tell him how I've felt/feel since this might be the only time he'll talk about her again. I told him how isolated I feel when he doesn't mention her name to me. He told me he hasn't brought her up because he doesn't want to make me sad. I reminded him like I've said hundreds of times on facebook that I absolutely despise the fact that no one will talk about her. I despise the fact that people change the subject when I mention her name. I despise the fact that people avoid my comments because it might make them uncomfortable. He told me he knows that I'm hurting and that he is here for me and will be 'til the day he dies and he's sorry that he's made me feel that way. He told me she IS his niece and every time I bring her up he's just unsure of what to say because he only wants to make people happy and not bring down the mood. He told me he's never dealt with death before...ever, before Leila, so it's hard for him to know what to say and what not to. It ended on a good note with him apologizing for showing anything BUT support and I accepted his apology. I figured what he said was how he felt but it's hard when people don't tell you how they feel. I can't read minds. So even truly knowing he does care but just doesn't know how to show it, I still told myself no he doesn't care, he only cares about himself. But that isn't the case at all. I love him (as my friend) and I'm happy that I finally got this off my chest. I finally got through to him...

Leila,

I know sometimes it's hard for people to talk about you considering they might make me sad, and I know you already know this but even though I'm sad when I talk about you I'm also SO happy talking about you. The happiness overcomes all the grief and sadness in the world. If I had to do everything all over again I would do it a million times over. Each time I would feel just as blessed, happy, amazed at your strength as I did the first time around. I'm starting to think that you are even stronger than I thought you were. Looking back on our first appointment with the pregnancy resource center I remember your heart beat was extremely low...only 99. Now that I think about it, I wonder if you weren't even supposed to be "viable" as some would say. Some would say this is a sign of miscarriage. Was it? I guess it's possible. Then I think WOW, if I was "supposed" to miscarry you wouldn't know it because your strength shines through in the next appointment with your heartbeat going strong in the 170's. I was SO worried and did have dreams of miscarriage, so it just makes me wonder.

Anyways, I hope to see you in my dreams soon. Preferably over the weekend so my dreams won't be interrupted by the stupid alarm clock set for work :)

Mama loves you baby!

Can't get away

I just can't get away from babies, pregnancy, etc. It surrounds me everywhere I go. I try and forget about all of it, push it out of my mind for a while and then it all comes flooding back instantly with one tiny trigger. My friend announced to me she was pregnant a couple days ago. She asked me not to say anything about it on facebook because she didn't want anyone to know. Honestly, I wished she didn't want me to know either. I know it's not fair to ask her to go into hiding until after she has her baby (maybe even longer), but it sure would help a ton. To be completely honest, I'm extremely happy for the few people that have told me they were pregnant because we're really close and no one deserves a baby more than these people...but it hurts to hear a friend say they didn't even want a baby, wasn't even trying to get pregnant and even thought about abortion. Don't get me wrong I don't judge when it comes to a woman's choice, but I wouldn't even expect her of all people to become pregnant so carelessly considering the criticism I got from her after announcing my pregnancy. But here we are a year later and she's in the same position. When I asked another BLM and a mutual friend from high school if she felt the way that I did after she lost her baby she said yes, but then she told me "who are we to say who can and can't have babies? we should feel blessed that we even got to experience pregnancy". Part of this is true but on the other hand I never said our friend couldn't have a baby, I was simply telling her how sad I felt after this announcement and that it hurt me that she didn't even want this baby when that's ALL I ever think about these days. So that has made me feel like crap for the last couple of days. Oh and p.s. I BARELY got to experience pregnancy. I got pregnant and not even 24 weeks later I had my baby...so she can speak for herself on that one. Yes, I am 100% grateful for the time that I was pregnant and for the time that we got with Leila but that doesn't make it any easier after watching her die in my arms. It's just not fair. I can't stress enough how tired I am of struggling to just "live" on a daily basis much less having to hear other people's BS. I'm SO stressed out about everything lately and I just feel like I need a break from life. I need a vacation. Will someone go with me please??? Anyways, I'll stop complaining now. I just really had to get that off my chest.

On a completely different note, PLEASE PLEASE pray for two of my BLM friends that have just lost their rainbows in the past couple of days. They truly don't deserve this heartache once again! I'm heartbroken by the news and would love if you all could pray for them. Thank you!

Leila,

I miss you mamas. I miss your little fingers and toes, I miss feeling you kick my tummy, I miss talking to you and hearing your daddy sing to you. I miss the anticipation of the day you'd come home with us, I miss all of it. I miss you SO much tonight and every night. 8 months later and this feeling still hasn't let up. Whenever I feel like this I find a project to do. They are self fulfilling for me and to do it in your name makes it that much better. That is why I will be completing an internship with the March for Babies this year and next in hopes to bring more awareness to pregnancy loss, premature birth, and infant death. Can you just imagine how many people will know your story and the amazing fight you put up? Can you imagine how many people we might be able to save because of this? How many people we might inspire to help join to fight for healthy mamas and babies? This makes me excited for the future. Right now this is the only thing I have to look forward to. I hope you'll stay by my side as make huge changes one step at a time!

Not if but "when"

I hate that I've lost my innocence. I'm only 21...I know there is NO age that makes any of this easier but when you're a teen thinking about life when you turn 21, you usually don't think of getting pregnant...well of course some young girls are an exception to that assumption, but in general I mean. SO many people tell me, "You're young, finish school and then think about having more kids. You have time!" The way I think is, "when my next child dies...then how much more time will I really have left?"...I know this is terrible to say or think but I'd be lying if I said this isn't how I feel. You can't tell me to have hope because it's much easier said than done. I can't see past today much less months or years from now. You have faith that I will have a living child, but I don't. All I ask from you is that you keep that faith for me. If I can't have it I need someone else to keep it safe for me. Maybe your faith will help me get my rainbow someday. Maybe someday I can thank you for keeping that faith. Til then I will live day to day praying I will be so lucky to have an earth baby someday.

Leila,

Please visit your mama tonight. I haven't been having very good dreams lately and the best ones I've had have you in them. I really miss you and need your comfort lately. I just want to remind you that I will never stop talking about you no matter how many people judge me for the way I feel. They don't realize how much love you've brought to my life. They only see the sadness in my eyes and don't take the time to realize your life has brought SO MUCH more than sadness to me. The only reason why I'm sad is because your life ended so soon before I really got the chance to show you how much I truly, deeply love you and care for you. I want to do SO much good in your name and hope that I can do that during my time here on earth before I join you. I want to make you proud. Will you root for me baby?...I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.

Mama loves you!

My Birthday! (November 21st)

Today is my birthday (November 21st...just in case I don't finish this post today) and I thought I'd tell you all how my night went last night. So Mustafa had planned for us to go to Portland City Girl for my birthday, which is a really nice restaurant with the best view in the city. I was extremely excited and looking forward to it. He told me to meet him around 6 at his work since the reservation was for 7pm. Later on he told me plans changed to 7:30 and to meet him at 7. I was pretty irritated by this and didn't think the restaurant would let us keep our reservation considering it was a Saturday night and surely it was going to be busy. My stepdad was taking us since we currently don't have a car and it was too cold to walk around downtown with my dress on. I know it seems high-school-ish right? lol I think so too ;) Well anyways Mustafa told me he had ripped his pants and was PISSED about it. We had to go home and get him some new pants. Before we went home my stepdad said he had to go the store to get something while it was still on sale for the last day. Mustafa and I waited in the car for almost an hour. Now I was REALLY pissed. I didn't act like it though because I didn't want all that to ruin my night. Mustafa was in a bad mood and so was I. We decided to just go home. I had gotten dressed up for nothing! My stepdad said he REALLY had to use the bathroom so I had to let him in. I unlocked the door but noticed the top lock was locked too and it freaked me out since I never lock the top lock. I opened the door part way and seen things hanging from the ceiling. I said, "what the hell" and my stepdad had to push me in. I heard, "SURPRIIIIISE!" :D and BOY was I surprised! Everything was purple with nicely decorated...well everything! There were martini glasses with purple sugar around the rim..SO adorable...I finally put everything together [all the hints] over the past couple days and it all made since now. I had NO idea about the party so it was a really good surprise and I'm SO surprised everyone was able to keep it a secret for almost a month :) I have SUCH a wonderful family for helping Mustafa put it all together and SUCH a wonderful boyfriend! It was my 21st birthday and despite being consumed by my grief, this was the best birthday of my adult years I must say. We don't have that many pictures...I guess because everyone was having too much fun to take any lol but here are a couple...

The next day was my actual birthday and since I wanted to see Leila we made the drive to the cemetery. It was snowing on the way there but when we got to the cemetery there wasn't any snow, just really wet and muddy. We picked up flowers on the way and I picked purple and orange lilies. Purple were for Leila and orange for my Tutu. I didn't cry this time when going to visit her. I just felt defeated. I thought what more can I do to show her I miss her? To show anyone that will be able to bring her back? Nothing. I can't do anything. Today was a really hard day for me.

Leila,

There is no birthday present in the world I could ever receive that could be more special than you. You were my birthday present last year and this year all I wished for was to see you again. There were many times throughout my birthday party that I thought Leila should be here. I should be bringing her home with me and all my friends and family should be loving you at my party and paying no attention to me. I would have loved that. I wish you were here for your mama's birthday. I really missed you. I miss you everyday sweetie. I love you.

Love,

Mama

Kindness of a stranger

My mom and I were talking the other day about work and how one rude person can ruin your day so easily. We also talked about one person [a stranger] being able to pick you back up. I love those kind of people. She told me about a friend of hers years ago that told her a stranger saved her life one day. She was having a terrible day and didn't think she could go on (if ya know what I mean) when this man walking past her on the street smiled and told her to "smile, life is beautiful". That simple saying made her smile and literally saved her life. This morning I was on the train and a man politely asked if he could sit next to me. I never got a weird feeling from him so I was happy to offer the seat to him. He asked me if I knew where a certain building was on campus, I told him I was going that way and he could just follow me. We talked on the way there and he told me he was going to an interview for Law school to get a second degree. He had just moved to Portland from Philadelphia and loved it. We talked about other things on our short walk to the building and when we parted ways I told him good luck with the interview and take care. He patted me on the shoulder and said "thank you SO much and thank you for your concern." Just the way he looked at me like he truly felt good that I cared made ME feel good. :) Yesterday was a terrible day for me and today this man really made my day. Shoot I can't remember his name now but wherever he is THANK YOU SO MUCH! When my mom was telling me about random people that come into our lives and change it in just a brief moment, she said maybe it's our loved ones pushing them towards us to cheer us up. I believe I met this man today on purpose. He really did make my day! :)

Feeling sorry for myself

I'm tired of it. Today I can't even look at a picture of a child I don't know. I have no connection to this child...but it hurts to look at her. Leila will never be that age. I'll never be able to take a picture of her playing outside in the fall leaves with her beenie and boots on. I'll never be able to meet with my friends so Leila could have a play date with their children. I won't be able to even bring her name up in everyday conversation. Family will never ask how she is, what grade she's in now and comment on how much she's grown. I'll never see be able to register her for her first day of high school. I'll never watch her walk across the stage for graduation. I'll never see her go to college. I'll never see her for Sunday dinners. I'll never even know what her voice sounded like. I'll never know what our relationship would have been like. I'll never truly know my oldest child. :'***(

I don't feel like anything has changed. I don't miss her any less. I don't hurt any less. I hurt more. I miss when I was able to grieve freely. Now I have to do it in secret so I don't make people uncomfortable. I have to leave the room when I feel tears coming so I don't look like a crazy person for crying out of nowhere. The last post I put on facebook was about how I hated that no one talked about Leila and how I'm not uncomfortable talking about her so why are they. I also said that I can't smile in your face and pretend I'm happy when I didn't even hear an "I'm sorry for your loss". This status was particularly for my family. Besides BLM I got ONE response from my whole freaking family. ONE...my aunt messaged me and said "I'm sorry for your loss and I truly love you". Simple as that and it felt good. That's when I decided to take a break from facebook. I still check people's updates once in a while but I haven't posted another status since then. It hurts too much to pour my heart out and get nothing in return...so this is where I have to do it.

I can't concentrate on school. I have two midterms next week and I haven't done anything for them. No homework done this weekend and no studying done...nothing. *sigh*I feel like it's all going downhill...

One year ago

Today, last year was Friday the 13th. As some of you may recall in Leila's story this was the morning we found out I was pregnant. Well, I pretty much knew the night before but decided to wait til morning to test. I wanted to be sure before I told Mustafa the news. No, we were not trying to get pregnant but I guess you could say we weren't preventing it either. We knew the consequences but I guess that didn't matter at the time. Stupid, I know, but it is what it is. We weren't at a point in our relationship where we thought let's have kids, but it had crossed my mind at one point or another that he would be the person I'd have kids with...which is pretty silly if you knew Mustafa. Not exactly the settling down type of person...well at least you'd think at first glance. Yes, he likes to party, yes he likes to go out and have his freedom. But I must say he's changed SO much from the beginning of our relationship til now [in a good way definitely!]. When I first met him I didn't expect to really be in a "serious" relationship with him. Like I said, he wasn't the settling down type. He's the complete opposite of me in every way and I think it's true what they say (in some cases) "opposites attract". This might sound weird to say, but he's everything I've wanted to be myself...well I don't mean the whole person he is, I just mean the fact that he's very outgoing, funny, silly, LOUD, obnoxious at times, etc etc. I'm a person with very few friends [my choice lol] and I don't go out much. If I'm not studying or working, I spend my free time on my computer mostly. I like to go out, but not to clubs, parties or any place there might be drunk idiots around lol...anywho I'm more of a family oriented kinda girl. I have fun when I spend time with family. That's why I've always wanted a big family for myself...6 kids at LEAST. I've always pictured my children growing up REALLY close together...the "ride or die" kinda siblings I've always hoped for. I picture me as an older woman in a beautiful home like the one you see on "Father of the Bride"...the kids will grow up and eventually leave and start their own families, but they will ALWAYS come back home for the holidays. I've always had that dream. I think I get it from my Mom. She's always told me that no matter who my husband ends up being I better be sure to tell him that Thanksgiving and Christmas are HER holidays. She wants ALL her children and grandchildren at their house for the holidays...and I can definitely respect that. There's never a holiday that I've wanted to spend apart from my family...whether we really do anything or not, to me it's fun just spending time with all of them.

OK I kind of got a little sidetracked, so back to finding out we were pregnant...

I took the test that morning and kind of knew it would show what it did. I looked at the test but had to take another look because even though I knew I just couldn't believe it. To be completely honest, I was happy! Crazy, I know. 19 year old girl, getting ready to graduate from college and a boy she's been with for a year and still couldn't get to settle down. On a positive note, I had moved out of my parents house long ago, paid my own rent, bills etc. and my boyfriend and I lived in our own apartment. But still, we weren't ready. So that morning I went to work like usual, Mustafa had the day off so he came to visit me for lunch. He sat down at the table and I told him there was something I had to tell him. He knew. He said, "you're pregnant". I kind of chuckled and he said he had a feeling I was because I hadn't remembered the last time I had my period. Anyways he was actually pretty calm about it. It was later when he came to the realization that we were really having a baby, that he freaked out. I wish you were there to see his reaction it was pretty hilarious actually. I was crying out of sadness that he was freaking out but I laugh about it now because it was just so funny. Maybe you guys don't know, but I call Mustafa a drama queen. He hates it, but it's true. He RARELY gets mad, but when he does he freaks out and it's almost too hard for me to not laugh at him for acting so ridiculous. lol Anyways this night he snatched a plastic bag from under the cabinet, puts it over his mouth and starts frantically breathing through it. Yes, I said plastic. He's pacing back and forth "breathing" through this bag and then throws it down in frustration and says, "these damn movies LIE, this shit doesn't work" and continues to pace. Finally he sits down next to me and in a calm tone he says, "I'm sorry I reacted this way, I'm calm now. We're going to have to tell our parents." It was just HILARIOUS that he was acting like a crazy person one minute and the next he sits next to me calm and collected like nothing ever happened. So anyways, that was my story of telling him we were having a baby.

My parents were VERY upset [to say the least] like any parent would be when hearing their teenage daughter is pregnant...especially the fact that I waited so long to tell them. I was about 12 weeks when I told them and actually found out I was pregnant about 5 weeks along. So they were pissed, but finally came around about 4 days later (on New Years Eve). Mustafa and I went to their house that night to have a "family discussion" and came out OK. That night I told my siblings they were going to be aunts and an uncle. Lehuanani [my younger sister who was 8 (I think) at the time] was SO happy to here the news because she was scared I was dying. lol My mom didn't talk to me for those 4 days and my little sister kept asking about me. Since my mom was pissed at me she always made excuses and said I was busy or something. So my sister came up with her own conclusion and thought I was terminally ill. Poor thing. When we came over that night my parents told the kids to go upstairs and my sister was crying because she thought they were going to tell them "the bad news". Gratefully I was just pregnant and not dying :)

So after telling another part of my story, I guess you could say today is a significant day for me. I'm not sad (right now at least), but just BLAH. It brings a smile to my face to be able to tell this story but makes me a bit sad at the same time that our story came to an end too soon after. This post has turned out to be much longer than I thought it would be so I'll end it at my letter to Leila.

Leila,

One year ago today I found out you were in my belly. I loved you before I even knew you were there and my love for you only continues to grow every day. I miss that day I found out you were there immensely and the feelings I had knowing I would be holding you in my arms in no time, and that was more true than I ever thought it would be. I thought it would be funny to tell you how your daddy reacted when he realized you were really coming...I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. He's so silly. He loves you SO much Leila and misses you more than words could ever say. We both do. I hope you come see your Mama soon because I truly miss you with all my heart. No matter what, I promise I will keep your memory alive. You were meant for GREAT things baby girl :)

I love you SO SO much sweetie!

Love,

Mama

Her Headstone (donate button)

In just 2 days it will have been 7 months since my baby girl died. Although I created the design for Leila's headstone we still haven't been able to pay for it in full...even 7 months later. The funeral home will not let us make payments, nor will they take a down payment to even get started on the design, so even though it kills me, I have to ask for help. I just want my little girl to have her headstone rather than that gold plaque with only her name on it :(

I've added a Donate button on the left hand side called "Leila's Memorial Fund" that goes to a paypal account for just her headstone. Any little thing helps. Attached is a copy of the unsigned contract between the funeral home and I (just so you all know this isn't a scam)...and I've blacked out the location of her plot for privacy reasons.

Many BLM have been SO amazingly kind as to donate and I can't thank you all enough! I don't know where I'd be without you all. :'( Thank you all (BLM, friends & family) SO much for the continued support through everything! I truly appreciate each and every one of you.

xoxoxoxoxo

P.S. I'm looking for other ways to help pay for Leila's headstone so if you all know of any organizations that would help or fundraisers I could look into, then definitely let me know. I live in Oregon by the way (some organizations I have looked into only donate to certain areas). Also, if there is ANYTHING I can do for any of you in return, I would love to if possible, just let me know. :)

Thanks again!

Hopes & Dreams

Last night I dreamt of her again. This time she was older. So far I've seen her as a 6 month old, 2 year old and now 3 or 4. She had darker color skin this time (compared to when she was a baby), I don't remember her face but I remember us walking on the sidewalk with all of the pretty fall colored leaves on the ground. She had long curly hair and was wearing rain boots. My mom was with us. Leila was walking behind me with my mom and my mom told her, "Go see Kalia." I said, "Hey you mean Mama." I don't really remember much else, but I felt happy. I was SO excited that she was with me and happy she was alive & well and beautiful as ever. It was a good dream. It felt so real...then I woke up and the realization of it being "just a dream" killed me. I hate waking up from these kind of dreams and just wish I could sleep forever. I got in the shower this morning and cried for what should have been.

I don't feel any better. I don't like my new normal. It doesn't feel normal to me at all. I feel isolated and alone. No friends to give me what I need...I don't even know what I need from them, but whatever it is, I'm not getting it. If you're offended by what I'm going to say next, then shoot me, I don't care. I'm emotionally drained from all these pregnancy announcements. I really am. You could say I'm jealous, yes I'll admit it. I want what they have. I know I shouldn't be envious, but I am. I know nothing is guaranteed and I know my BLM are still scared, but still...I keep wondering when I will be at that point in my life. When will I get my rainbow? It's lonely out here not having a rainbow, that I so desperately want and need. I don't have an ounce of hope in me. Can I borrow some of yours? It's easy for you to say, "It will happen someday, I believe it will." Well I don't. All these thoughts run through my head on a daily basis and I have no one to talk to about it, so this is where I have to write it. On the other hand, I know that even if I WAS pregnant I would be sad that it won't be Leila. I keep having these dreams that she's alive still, but I know being pregnant again doesn't mean she's coming back. But it would mean I'd have hope again.

Oh and P.S. please don't tell me it's too soon to even be thinking about TTC. I'm tired of hearing that. I don't want your two cents I just need somewhere to vent and this is my place to do it. Also don't tell me you believe I will get my rainbow someday, you don't know that, I don't even know that. Please just pray for me...think about me, whatever you can do to support me WITHOUT shoving rainbows and sunshine up my ass. Thank you.

Leila,

*sigh* you were so beautiful mamas. I loved feeling like a Mommy in my dream last night. Was that actually you showing me that you're still here? I hope so. I love you and miss you so much it hurts. The other day someone told me you wouldn't want to see me sad and that when I'm sad, so are you. Well I hope you're not sad because I don't want you to be. I don't mean to make you sad it's just so hard for me to be happy when you're physically not here. I just miss you and wish there was some way we could be together again. Just remember I want you to be happy. Don't worry about your Mama. I'll make it through somehow, just be patient with me little one. I love you!

Love,
Mommy

Halloween

Seems like I don't come on here that often anymore. I guess I don't really have anything profound to say besides the usual. The anticipation of Halloween was worse then the holiday itself...sure, it sucked, but the day before I had a huge breakdown. Knowing babies, toddlers, and kids everywhere would be dressed in their adorable costumes asking for candy just broke my heart. Leila should have been here. This would have been her 2nd holiday [her first being Easter]. I found the most adorable little lamb costume I would have put her in. Well there were tons that I liked so who knows, she might have worn 3 different ones that day. You guys have already seen the pumpkin I did for Leila and thank you by the way for all your really nice comments :) Here is our family of pumpkins. Leila is kind of the center of attention if you haven't noticed lol. Daddy's pumpkin is on the left, mine is in the middle (with Leila's name) and the dragonfly one is Leila's of course. I wanted to make mine with the whole family's names, but I got really tired after Leila's name and thought it looked cute just the way it was, so I left it at that.

Well, I'm thankful Halloween is over...now to get ready for Thanksgiving. This is going to be a tough one for me. I'm thankful for many things, Leila and the rest of my family of course, but it's going to be SO hard to go through that day without my daughter included. *sigh*And this is just the start of the holiday season. I don't know how I'll EVER survive Christmas.

MOMMY MISSES YOU LEILA! I wish you could have been here to celebrate Halloween with us! I hope you like your pumpkins :) I love you sweetie.

Leila's 1st pumpkin!

Right now it's 1:15am which is WAY past my bedtime...wanna know what I'm doing up so late? I was carving Leila's pumpkin! I never knew how much work it took to carve them, but MAN I'm tired...Here are two pictures of Leila's first pumpkin I made for her.

Leila,

Mommy hopes you like the pumpkin I made for you. It's a dragonfly just like you wanted. :) It took me hours and I did it ALL by myself (freehand), I hope you're proud! :) I love it actually and it's exactly what I had hoped it would be. I love you sweetie and I'm missing you more than anything in the world.

Love always,

Mama

Run away

I feel like I need to get away from here. I just want to run away and start a new life where nobody knows me. I know that wouldn't change anything though; it doesn't change the fact that my daughter's still dead. It doesn't change the fact that I will have this emptiness inside of me forever. I'm just tired of feeling like such an outcast. I need someone to talk to...IRL. I have so many good friends that keep me going on a daily basis, but they're just so far away [all we can do is text or bbm] and sometimes I need more. I'm not a needy person, I never was. I was never one to really care about how many friends I had. I could joke with the few friends I did have about not really having any friends, and I was content with that. Now.I'm.not. I need those people I used to call "friends". I need someone to keep me company, to tell me everything will be alright...scratch that, I don't want to hear that crap because right now I can't see an end to my grief. I just need someone to be here for me. I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Mustafa works all the time and he is my only outlet unfortunately. He gets my good AND my bad days and there's no one else to take the blows when I'm having a really shitty day. I feel bad that I depend on him so much for my emotional sanity, but what else can I do? My family too...my parents (mom and stepdad) and siblings keep me going. They are the reason I can actually get out of my house. I don't think I'd go anywhere if they didn't ask me to. Sometimes though, there are just too many triggers, even just when seeing my family. One day my 2 year old sister wanted someone to play with her so badly and my 10 year old sister told her that she was too busy. It broke my heart seeing her sad that no one would play with her. My mom and I were so excited to see the bond that we knew would grow between Kailina and Leila. Kailina wouldn't be the youngest anymore and she would have a best friend/niece to grow up with. Things like that just break my heart even more.

Leila,

I wish I could say I'm watching you run around with Kailina right now. I wish I was writing these letters so you could read them when you grow up. Instead they're only for me to have some way of communicating with you while we're so far apart. It hurts so bad to not be able to hear your name come from anyone else's mouth but my own...except when your Tutu or Daddy bring you up...or your Aunties from all over the world of course. The only place I can see you is in my dreams and it's time like these when I wish I could sleep forever. I miss you sweetie...I can't help but wonder if we'd be best friends when you were grown. Would we have as great a relationship as your Tutu and I have? I've always wanted that with my children and I'm sad that I'll never have the chance to have that with you. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you.

Love,

Mama

Plans

It's hard to imagine how life would be with a 7 month old baby. For some reason today I thought back on all the plans I'd made when I was pregnant. I remember calling a daycare in my area and asking about making an appointment to visit their facility. I remember my mom and I visiting a baby boutique to see if I wanted to have my baby shower there. I was already looking at the favors I'd be having for everyone attending. I was so excited. Picking out names was one of the more stressful parts of my planning. Mustafa and I couldn't agree on a name to save our lives. We got into several fights over it and now looking back I just laugh that we fought over something so petty. I couldn't wait for our gender ultrasound to buy things, so I went to the mall and bought two outfits: one for a boy and one for a girl. I decided I would just take one back when we found out what we were having. The day we seen our little girl on the screen my plans only expanded. This time I planned what our little girl and us would be doing every day. I pictured it in my head and couldn't wait for the day these plans would become a reality. I signed my mom and myself up for some huge consignment shopping in April. Only we couldn't go because she was already gone by then. I got reminder after reminder about showing up to shop. Every day is a constant reminder of what I no longer have.

7 months later I still feel like I'm living in some alternate reality. It hasn't gotten any better. I had posted something earlier on in the week that was worrisome to my aunt. She called me and told me she was worried about me because she's never heard me talk like that before. I'm not really sure how to talk anymore. In the beginning I was SO positive. Now that's long behind me and all I feel is negativity. I don't see the light at the end of my tunnel. Almost 7 months since she died and I don't feel any better.

Days 13-18 I'm bad w/ keeping up with these :/

Day 13- a fictional book that is meaningful to me since my loss

I honestly have no answer for this question. None of them stick out to me so I will just say "not applicable"

Day 14- a non-fictional book that is meaningful to me since my loss

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.

I'm not sure if this counts since I read this after my loss but it's meaningful to me just because like I said before, when I was reading it I didn't feel so alone like I did in the beginning.

Day 15- what you like about your house

I don't have a house, only an apartment but I LOVE my apartment. Mustafa and I moved in there this April after Leila died so that we could be closer to my parents. I love that we have a nice kitchen. The kitchen matters most to me when looking for a place to live. Funny because I'm not a big cooker but I'd love to be! I guess time isn't on my side though. With school and work I don't really even have time to eat! :( But I still enjoy looking at my kitchen each day lol...I only wish Leila were enjoying our apartment with us.

Day 16- a song that makes you cry

There are TONS of songs that make me cry but I'll only name a few. Somewhere over the rainbow by Israel Kamawiwo'ole...after my Tutu (grandma) died this was one of the songs I always listened to to remember her, I still do actually. There's a couple other songs that always make me cry [since my loss]: Kellie Coffey-I would die for that, Natalie Grant-Held, Eric Clapton-Tears in heaven, The Hawaiian Wedding Song-sung by my Tutu (grandma) and tons more that I don't have the time to name...

Day 17- an art piece

I don't have a sculpture of my own yet but my favorite art pieces are from D. Antonia and here is a link to her Etsy shop. She has TONS of sculptures dedicated to baby loss and you can even order a custom piece. Her work is absolutely beautiful and I can't wait 'til I get one of my own!

Day 18- your wedding (past, present, future)

My wedding has been planned out since I was I don't know HOW young. I think a lot, if not every little girl plans her wedding out as a very young child...well at least I did. lol I'm not married yet but my boyfriend and I would love to get married after I graduate and we have enough money for my dream wedding. He also wants another one in Egypt for all his family to come since it would be easier for us to travel to Egypt than for his whole family to come the states for our wedding. My wedding will be on the beach in Hawai'i. I know it sounds pretty cliché, but I'm actually Hawaiian, TONS of my family live there and Hawai'i is my second home. It will be on the beach, I will have 8 bridesmaids each one with a different color dress representing each color of the islands of Hawai'i. That's if I can even find 8 friends/family who I'd want in my wedding :/ lol I've already found my dream dress by Pnina Tornai. It's an off white lace dress, very elegant and simple and since my wedding will be on the beach I didn't want something too ball gown-y (not a word, but you get the picture). I want purple and orange flowers (orange is my Tutu's favorite color and purple is mine and now Leila's too!) My Tutu was supposed to sing "The Hawaiian Wedding Song" for my wedding but since she died when I was 12 we will play the video of her singing it at my mom's wedding. Hearing her sing that song ALWAYS brings me to tears. It will be bittersweet not having her, my Tutu Nui (great grandma) OR my daughter at my wedding :( Anyways, I won't bore you all with many more details that I'd like to include but you can probably picture it in your head :)

Pumpkin Picking

Today I went to the pumpkin patch with my family to get a pumpkin for Leila, Mustafa and me. It was SO hard seeing SO many families there with tiny babies. They were all so precious and I couldn't help but feel sad because Leila wasn't with us. She should have been picking her pumpkin out herself. Now I'm picking one for her and decorating it in memory of her. Life was supposed to be SO different...

Leila's pumpkin is the smaller one on the left. Mustafa and I are going to try and decorate them this week if I have time between midterms. I'm going to attempt to carve a dragonfly in it...let's see how this goes!

Leila sweetie,

I hope you like the pumpkin Mama got for you. Your Auntie Ann was saying "what if you see a dragonfly land on a pumpkin? you have to get that one because it means Leila wanted you to pick it out!" Then she told me to tell her if that happens because that means you wanted her to tell me that :) Well it didn't happen, it would have been AMAZING if it did, but sadly it didn't. But it's OK, I KNOW you like the pumpkin I got for you still and I hope you like when it's decorated too!

Mommy loves you!

Remembrance Service

Tonight was...emotional. This was the 2nd time I had been back to the hospital Leila was born at since she died. I didn't really know what to expect but I cried before I even got through the door. This place was my home for almost 3 weeks. This was Leila's home her whole life. I never thought I'd say I missed being at a hospital, but I did. I feel closer to her there. There I'm able to remember the time I had with her and not feel so out of place for doing it publicly. This service was there for remembering our babies. The service included songs, speakers, prayers and a candle lighting ceremony. They asked that when they called the baby's/ies' names the parent/s walk to the front and light a candle for them. I was nervous but when they called Leila's name Mustafa and I went up to light her candle. He told me, "the candle's purple." Purple is Leila's favorite color (at least we think so) but p.s. the candle was in fact burgundy but since Mustafa's color blind he called it purple :) Anyways we lit the candle and took our seats again. They played a few songs but there was one that stood out to me the most. I'm not sure if you all have heard it, but it's called The Dance by Garth Brooks. I don't particularly like country music but this song is really beautiful and the words really spoke to me. At the end we were able to take a pot of flowers home with us. They were perfect for fall.

I just hope I can keep them alive :/

Here are the ribbons we wore to the service! Thanks Mom for making them for us!

and here is Mustafa and I in front of the lit candles for all our babies.

The chaplain that had blessed Leila while she was in the NICU was actually a speaker at the service tonight. I recognized her as soon as she walked in. After the service we talked for a little bit and she asked me if Leila was my only child. I told her yes and she told me Leila made me a mother and that I'm STILL and will always be her mother. This was music to my ears. FINALLY someone other than a BLM gets it. Well she isn't the only one, but they are few and far between.

Overall the service was very nice and I'm SO grateful for the people that organized this for us baby loss parents. I can't wait to be able to give back to the community that cared for Leila and I and continue to keep her memory alive.

P.S. Thank you Katie for coming the service. It really means a lot to me to have a friend there supporting us.

Leila,

Tonight was such an emotional night for me going back to the hospital. Not being able to go in the NICU to see you just broke my heart. I miss being there and spending every day and night with you. I miss watching you sleep as I pumped milk for you throughout the night to help you grow big and strong. I miss changing your diapers. I miss holding your tiny fingers so tight until you decided to let go. I miss talking to you as you slept in your isolette and then watching your eyes open when you heard your mama's voice. I miss hearing your Daddy sing your song to you. I miss being able to tell the new NICU nurses "YUP, that's MY baby". You are such a gift to me, your Daddy, your grandparents, aunts and uncles and SO many other people and tonight we remembered you. Thank you sweetie for coming into my life and bringing so much joy and happiness. My sadness is heavy now that you're gone but I will always remember our happy times too and miss them for the rest of my life.

Love always,
Mama

The sign on the door

After giving birth to Leila, I felt at ease...sorta. I felt like we were in good hands at least. I was being taken good care of by the nurses and other staff members and Leila was being taken care of by all the wonderful NICU nurses, respiratory therapists, etc. We had an army of caretakers so I knew we were going home together someday. The night before I had her was 2nd to the worst day of my life, but I had hope the next day knowing that Leila had survived her birth despite the odds. After she was born a sign was placed outside of my room door in the maternity ward. It was a pink sign with baby footprints on it that said, "It's a girl!" I was SO happy to have that sign and knowing that others would see it too made me proud. I walked down the hallway to look at everyone else's signs. Some had THREE signs, meaning they had triplets! I smiled every time I walked by those pink and blue footprints and was glad to be a part of it all and not on the side we would have been on, had I chose comfort care.

18 days later I was on the other side. Leila's body was failing her and I knew she would be gone soon. April 9, 2010 she died and that's when I joined the baby loss club. At the time it seemed like I was the only one. I'm not sure if there were others like me, but it seemed I was the only one with a new sign outside the door of a leaf and a droplet of water. In any other circumstance I would have looked at that sign and my first thought would be serenity. Now I see that sign and all it means is death to me. My baby died and this picture showed the staff I was mourning the loss of my baby. I despised this sign, even now, I just hate it. I want that pink sign with footprints back.

A while ago I got something in the mail with that same picture on the envelope...a leaf and a droplet of water. I knew it was from the hospital where Leila was born, so I opened it. In there was an invitation to a Remembrance Service for all the babies that have died at that hospital. I chose to R.S.V.P. because I wanted to remember my daughter with the only other people who knew her while she was alive (besides my family).

Tonight is the night of the service and I'm SO emotional. I'm nervous, sad, ANGRY that I'm even going. I shouldn't be going. I should be at home with my 6 month old baby. Instead, I have to attend things like this to remind everyone Leila is still my baby and deserves to be remembered. I don't know how many times I will say this...it's NOT fair. I will go blue in the face reminding everyone how unfair it all is and still this will be the only appropriate thing to say. *sigh*

Leila,

Tonight is the night I will remember you with many other parents who [like me] have their babies in Heaven where you are. I hate that we have this one thing in common (if nothing else), but I hope tonight your story will touch the life of at least one person. Please be my side when they call your name aloud and the tears roll down my face. I don't know how I'll get through this service. I love you sweetie and I hope Mommy will make you proud some day. Missing you like NO other.

Love,
Mama

Days 11 & 12

Day 11- a photo of you taken recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now

First let me say something, YES I know Mustafa looks WHOOPED lol he's growing his hair out so you know that nasty in between stage you have to go through for the end result? Yup, that's it. *shivers* I hate it lol ok...

This picture was taken yesterday while we were on the MAX (which is our transportation system). It makes me really sad and angry because I hate that Leila isn't in the picture. This might sound random but I always pictured her and I on the MAX and everyone telling me how beautiful she is. I wanted to carry her in the Sleepy Wrap I got us and walk around downtown with her. I see SO many mothers with their babies on the MAX and it makes me sad that I can't be one of them.

Day 12- something you are OCD about

Oh man I could go on for days with this post. I'm OCD about TONS of things but I'll name one. I'm OCD about people whistling at night. I know it might sound weird, but in my culture (the Hawaiian culture) we DON'T do this because it summons the spirits of the dead and lost souls to you. Whether we actually believe it or not doesn't matter, we just don't do it. When I first told Mustafa to stop whistling at night he looked at me like I was weird. lol Now he catches himself and stops right after he starts. He still doesn't like to stop just because of my "crazy" belief but he does it for me anyways. :)

But also, I just don't like whistling period. I don't know why, it just annoys the hell out of me. Night or day. When people start whistling I get irritated and try and get as far as possible so I don't have to hear it. I know I'm weird :)

30 posts in 30 days (days 1-10)

OK I know I'm late but I've been busy/stressed about a million and one things, but today I will start this project set up by Angie over at Still Life with Circles. I have some catching up to do so here are days 1-10 hopefully in a short version...we'll see how this goes.

Day 1- a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why

This might sound silly but Kelly Clarkson-Long Shot. When I was pregnant with her I listened to this song in the shower all the time while I danced around hoping she would dance too. One week I had read somewhere that at that point in my pregnancy the baby could feel my movements and might respond to them. So I bumped this song and danced in the shower like a maniac.

Day 2- a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss

This is a hard one. Not one movie jumps out at me that has helped me get through the hard times, but there are TONS that have triggered my grief. I could name hundreds but for now I'll just say that ALL movies with a pregnant woman are triggers for me. :(

Day 3- a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you

Well this one is EASY. JERSEY SHORE! This is absolutely the ONLY show that has helped me get through hard times. Whenever I'm having a crappy day I can turn on this show and am guaranteed to laugh through the whole thing. I'll be sad when the season is over. I need to find a new show and QUICK! Any suggestions??

Day 4- your favorite book, has it changed since your loss?

Hmm I LOVE to read but I can't think of one book that is my absolute favorite. I can only say that after my loss it helped to read Empty Cradle, Broken Heart because I realized that my feelings are normal and I didn't feel so alone like I thought I was in the beginning.

Day 5- Your favorite quote

Well I have a few but if I had to name one for now I'd say Plato's quote "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle". This one REALLY jumps out at me because most of you, if not all of you (like me) have realized that people can be SO cruel after a loss like ours, whether intentional or not, there continues to be MANY people who make insensitive comments that will stick with us forever. It's not easy hearing them but it just reminds me to be kind to everyone because I have NO idea what goes on in their lives behind closed doors.

Day 6- 20 things that calm you

1. Jersey Shore

2. listening to old school rap/hip hop

3. taking a trip to Michael's

4. working on an art project

5. taking a nap

6. crying it out

7. creating things on photoshop

8. designing blogs

9. writing IN my blog

10. reading a book

11. eating comfort food

12. taking pictures with my new camera :)

13. spending a relaxing day @ home with Mustafa

14. Saturdays, knowing I don't have to go to school or work the next day

15. cleaning the house, this calms me when I'm PISSED at the world

16. going to the movies

17. going shopping, I guess sometimes this can be stressful though lol

18. knowing that I'm making a change for the better because of Leila

19. spending with friends who understand me

20. dreaming (day or night)

Day 7- a photo that makes you happy

The first day I was able to hold my daughter. We were a complete family. I was BEYOND happy this day.

Day 8- a photo that makes you angry/sad

The last photo taken of my belly before I went into labor a few days later. It makes me angry that I never got far enough into my pregnancy to watch my belly grow as big as it should have and it makes me angry that I never took a picture with my face in it while I was pregnant. I was lazy and never took the time to get dressed up and do my hair and take a picture after I started showing. :( I wish I would have known...

Day 9- a photo you took since your loss

I was pissed I had to go this graduation we went to in the first place, but Leila should have still been in my tummy. The smile is fake fyi but I guess it looks real since that is how I smile in all my pictures :/

Day 10- a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Sorry it's a picture of a picture, but I think I was about 3 or 4 in this picture sitting on the steps of my old house in Oakland, CA. Boy do I miss the old days. I look so happy :)

Well that's all for now. I'll start being regular with these posts so look out for them.

6 month Angelversary

Today I feel empty. It's been 6 months since I held my daughter (alive) in my arms and it feels like just yesterday. Those that say time heals all wounds...they don't know any better. This wound isn't healing. I will always feel like part of my life is missing. A part of it is missing. I hurt just as bad as I did when she first died. It's true. You may not see it on my face, or read it in my posts all the time, but it's there. This pain is here to stay. I wish I could say 6 months later I feel better, but I'd be lying. I feel worse. The world is DEFINITELY moving faster than I ever wanted it to and I'm feeling left behind. I'm not happy that I have an "angel", I'm just not. I never wanted this. I'm not grateful for it and I don't take comfort that she's in Heaven. I'm not strong like you say I am. I don't want to be strong. I just want to cry all day every day and have everyone be OK with that. I can't. It's not acceptable because well, "life must go on". I have school, work, etc. Today though I feel like none of that matters and I could care less if I do anything right now. I feel like I didn't get enough time to myself after she died. I'd rather be home alone crying in a corner than going to work and school everyday and then coming home to study my ass off. It's stressing me out and I'm expecting to break down at any moment now...if I haven't already. I have this pulsating headache right now that's borderline migraine and looking at this computer screen isn't helping any, but I really need to write today. I need to complain about EVERYTHING today, so please just deal with it. It's NOT fair! It's not fair that MY baby had to die. It's just not. I won't accept it and never will. I keep wanting another baby so badly and then I think I can't possibly have a baby that won't be Leila. I just can't imagine having any other baby but her. A few nights ago I had a dream of her. I finally saw her as a baby (6 months old). She was chubby and light skinned. She had lots of hair. She talked...not like us but baby talk. In my dream I found out that she was alive and had been alive this whole time. I couldn't believe it. I had missed out on 6 months of her life but I was just grateful she was actually alive. I kept asking myself how is this possible. I held her up and she smiled at me threw her hands out and talked in her own language to me. It was adorable. I would have slept forever if I could stay in that dream. The first thing I thought of was my BLM friends. I thought OH NO how will I tell them all my baby's alive and that I don't actually belong in this "club" anymore like I thought I did? Sad, I know. Then I woke up from my dream and of course was disappointed it was only a dream. How I wish it were true. I wish that by some miracle I'd find her alive and realize THIS nightmare is a dream and I'm up from it now. I wish...

Leila,

Today I cried for you. I ache to hold you in my arms again...to see you alive and well. I need you so bad, it hurts. My heart is literally hurting for you baby. I miss you SO much and I just don't know how I'll live the rest of my life without you. I can't imagine ever actually being happy again while you're gone. I know this is bad to say but I keep hoping somehow I'll die in a freak accident so that I can be with you again. I know I shouldn't be talking to you like this because you're only a baby, but that's how bad this pain hurts...Mommy's sorry. My head hurts so bad right now I just have to go lay down. I just want you to know that I love you SO much and miss you with ALL my heart and I'm wishing you were here with every fiber of my being.

Mommy loves you sweetie. Happy 6 months in heaven baby girl.

Dragonfly dreams

I have TONS of posts I've started and have saved as drafts. I guess I have so many things going on in my mind at one time that I forget to finish my thoughts prior and move on to the next instead. So if you happen to see posts that pop up from days, weeks, maybe even months ago, that's just me finishing and publishing those unfinished posts. Sorry for the confusion when it comes.

I've decided on a new blog name...a long time ago actually but I just haven't had time to design it. The Butterfly Room is going to be changing to "Dragonfly Dreams" as soon as I finish the design for it, so don't be alarmed when you can't find The Butterfly Room anymore (whenever that may be). Speaking of dragonfly dreams...

The other night I was having a terrible night. When I'm alone is when I start to feel grief creeping up on me full force again. I was crying uncontrollably and blaming anything and everything for Leila's death. It's just that I don't think I can ever accept that she's dead. It kills me that she's not here and my questions remaining unanswered just adds to my hurt. Anyways that night when I was crying I heard my dragonfly wind chime that Mustafa had bought me when we went to Seaside.

That night I went to bed hoping I would see her in my dreams...

In my dream that night I was asleep. I woke up (with a "cry hangover") to the sound of my wind chime. There was something around my neck that I didn't have around there when I went to bed. I looked and found the wind chime around my neck. I woke Mustafa up and asked him if he had put it in the bed with us (which would be weird by the way, but hey it's a dream). He said no then went back to sleep. The wind chime was hanging right where it was in this picture before I went to sleep and now it somehow got around my neck sometime throughout the night. At that moment I knew it was Leila trying to bring me comfort. I was a little freaked out at first because I thought I was going crazy, but then felt comforted when I knew it was a sign from her. I woke up (this time in real life) and felt refreshed. I felt like it was a new day and even though I didn't see Leila in my dreams that night, I had a dragonfly dream, which to me is her making her presence known to me. I've had several dragonfly dreams since she's died and thought this title would be perfect for our new blog.

Thank you to all of my friends who leave comments. I feel terrible when I don't answer back most of the time but I barely have enough time to sit down and write a post without being interrupted. Please forgive me. I'm grateful for all of your support and just want you to know that.

Leila,

Mommy wants to thank you for bringing me comfort the other night. I really needed that. I've missed you SO much baby girl. I'm SO sorry you see me cry sometimes, I just hope it doesn't upset you. I want you to remember that you are the one and only little girl on my mind every minute of the day. I hope you feel special like the special, most amazing little girl that you are. I love you baby.

Love,

Mama

Didn't do enough!

This whole week school has been putting these thoughts back into my head. Couldn't they have done more to save her? WHY didn't they see the signs of NEC sooner? She could have lived. The doctor told me "it wasn't as bad as we thought"...oh REALLY?! Then WHY the hell did she die less than 12 hours later? Why did I get that call at 5 am telling me to spend time with my daughter because she wasn't doing well? I knew what that meant. Why were you so misleading? I knew something was wrong. I just had a feeling. A mother's intuition? Maybe. How about it was OBVIOUS as HELL something wasn't right. She was FINE the day before, somewhere something went wrong. DON'T tell me to blame it on the prematurity. She was a fighter damnit! She was tiny, but she was a fighter. Maybe you pushed her too hard. Her stomach couldn't handle the breast milk with all the additives. Why couldn't you just give her my breast milk like she should have only had in the first place? Maybe it could have done its job by itself! Why couldn't she take her time in growing? WHY did she have to get pushed to gain weight so fast? She was less than 3 weeks old! She had time. None of it makes sense to me. Her stomach had been distended for a while. WHY did no one suggest an x-ray then? Why chalk up to gas when NEC is such a common disease among pre-term infants? Why not check BEFORE it gets fatal? Why did you disapprove of surgery? I know she could have handled it. I told you she was a fighter. You all told me she most likely wouldn't live even after she was born and put in the NICU. SHE LIVED! I shouldn't be going to this remembrance ceremony for my daughter in a few weeks...I should be home with my 6 month old celebrating her life! This is SO unfair! I just don't understand and NO ONE understands how I feel. I feel alone. I am alone, yet again. I'm in this ALL alone. People think I should be OK now but I'm NOT. I'm NOT OK with my daughter dying. I'm NOT OK with having to live life without her. I'm NOT OK with having to visit her at a cemetery. I'm NOT OK with ANY of this. I want her back. I need her back. I really don't know how I'll live the rest of my life without her. I don't know how I've come this far already. I don't want to go any further though. I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest again. Nothing specific to make me feel this way tonight in particular, I just feel like complete shit. I have a headache from crying so much. I'm just emotionally drained. I feel like I should have fought harder. I didn't do enough!

*As I'm writing this I hear my dragonfly wind chime making a lot of noise. I haven't heard it in a few days, maybe it's Leila trying to comfort me?...*

Leila,

Tonight I just feel so alone mamas. Hugging your blanket isn't going to bring me comfort because your smell is not there anymore. It smells like myself and that isn't comforting at all. It just makes me feel more alone and I hate that YOU aren't cuddling with me in that blanket. You should be here. I should have fought harder for you. Mama didn't do enough to save you. I should have pushed for the surgery and I'm SO sorry I didn't. They told me there was no way you'd survive it but WHAT do they know?! I mean SURE, they are doctors but they aren't your mama. They didn't have faith like I did. I was SO overwhelmed with the news they had just given me that I couldn't even think straight. I didn't think to ask more questions. I'm sorry Leila, Mama's sorry. You survived your birth, you survived so many things and the life that you DID live was a happy one. I know you would have survived. I'm SO sorry sweetie :'( I just miss you so much tonight. Please visit me tonight. Kiss your mama on the cheek goodnight. I need to feel your presence wash over me, even if just for a moment. Please :(

I love you sweetness!

Love,

Mommy