Introducing...

The newest edition to our family...Simba!!

He was my Christmas present from Mustafa and BOY did he come at a perfect time...This holiday season is just breaking my heart not having Leila here with us.

Simba has been a breath of fresh air from all this grief. He is SUCH a playful and loving little guy and I already love to spoil him. Oh and he absolutely loves spending time with his Mama :)

Leila,

Do you like your new puppy?? I imagine you chase him around the house when I watch him run from room to room so randomly. I know you would have loved having him as your little buddy growing up. He's so sweet and I know he would have loved you too. I hope you're having fun in heaven Leila boo, this holiday season just isn't the same without you...I miss you sweetie!

Love,

Mama

giveaway prize!

I told you guys I would post a picture of the bear I won from Mary over at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas Here it is!
Isn't is adorable?! It's SO soft and it even came with a certificate with Leila's name on it! Thank you Mary SO SO much, I just love it and I'm sure she does too!

WINNER!

I never win ANYTHING...seriously. I was so upset a couple weeks ago Mustafa and I went to his company's Christmas party and we put ALL of our tickets into the BIG box for the BIG all inclusive vacation for 2 to ANYWHERE in the world. I was SO confident we'd get it. My thought process was OK we've been through a LOT this year I think we deserve this...then the unthinkable...his co-worker wins! lol UGH She won TWICE that night. TWO paid vacations! One to Hawai'i and one to anywhere in the world! Shouldn't there a be a rule against someone winning twice? :/ Well there should have been. Maybe then we'd win...

Anyways, I finally won! Mary at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas held a giveaway for Tina's 25 days of giveaways

and I won!! She was giving away an adorable bear with your choice of one of the cute little outfits to go with it. I LOVE IT! Now I will have something to cuddle with in addition to Leila's blanket. It means so much to me, Thank you Mary! I'll add pics of the bear when I get it in the mail :) I can't wait!!

Leila,

I miss you ku'uipo. Tomorrow we're taking Christmas pictures and you won't be there...It just breaks my heart that I won't ever again see you in any other family pictures then the one we have together. You're supposed to be here for the holidays. I mean I know you'll be with us no matter what, I just wish I could hold you again. :(

Do you like the bear Mary is giving us?? :) Isn't it cute? Have you met Lukas up there yet? If you haven't you should look for him. I'm sure he's just as much of a sweetheart as his Mommy is. Please give him a hug and all the other babies a hug for me. Also tell Alyssa thank you for the Christmas card! and tell her Auntie Kalia loves her.

Mommy loves you!

No direction

This post is going to be ALL over the place because I have WAY too many things going on in my head lol...well first, I got all A's this term! :D YAY! I'm honestly SO surprised but VERY happy I did it!

Christmas

We finished our tree finally! Well I guess this was last weekend, but we had been putting it off for so long because of finals and just not having any time. But I'm proud to say it's done and I love it! I got an L for Leila :) I wanted to make dragonfly ornaments and add them to our tree but again, no time. BUT next year they will be there for sure!

Family

I'm just not sure how to put this other than, I'm REALLY angry at my family. NOT my immediate family but just others throughout my family...a cousin here, a cousin and an uncle there...*sigh* So, first story, my cousin (who is SO irresponsible by the way) got his girlfriend knocked up and she was due a couple months after me. She had her baby nice and healthy YAY for them...well then I just found that she is pregnant AGAIN!...Their son is 3 months old and she is expecting another one. They do NOT take care of their child now...have they never heard of BIRTH CONTROL?! They're living with my Grammie and sucking her dry. She is retired and should be enjoying her retirement but instead has to raise her great grandchild and now another on the way...AND not to mention my poor Aunt had a stroke a couple years ago and has to be taken care of 24/7. SO that means my Grammie has to take care of her own daughter, her grandchild and his girlfriend and now BOTH of their babies. I can't believe this. Is there anyone in charge of giving people babies? Because if there is I'd like to have a talk with them. This is just ridiculous and it really upsets me. p.s. I'm NOT saying they're not allowed to have children but c'mon...at LEAST be able to take care of yourselves and the one child you HAVE before you bring another child into this world. It's just sad. I know so many women who deserve to bring their children home and just don't get the chance too. They have done/do everything right and still there's no way to avoid their children dying :'( ...........On another note, I'm not really sure what to think of my Uncle and his family. He was the one who lectured me when he found out I was pregnant and then said nothing when Leila died. Absolutely nothing. Well this Friday my little cousin, who I think is 17 is singing in the Christmas choir and wants me to go support her. I know "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" but I just can't get myself to go. It really hurts my feelings that none of them came to Leila's funeral nor did they call or even send a card. I'm not looking for pity, I guess all I wanted was an "I'm sorry for your loss". I want to feel like they care about Leila. I guess even in death I feel like I need to come to my own daughter's defense. I don't want her to be forgotten by ANYONE, especially not my family.

Mail

I got mail!! Well I did AND Leila did :) Leila got a Christmas card from her Auntie Ann and cousin Alyssa. It is SO adorable by the way. I haven't had my camera lately so I'm not able to take pictures yet, but I'll edit this post and add them later. :) Thank you SO much Ann and Alyssa. We love you both SO much and are SO grateful for having you two in our lives. Her Christmas card really means a lot to me and I couldn't be more happy to receive it. p.s. this is her FIRST and probably ONLY Christmas card she will get this Christmas. :'( so when I say it really means a lot to me that you and Alyssa thought of her, I truly mean it. I love you guys!

I also got a birthday card in the mail! My birthday was November 21st but I think it was a little late because it was sent from Belgium! Can you believe that?! How sweet is that to send a card to someone who's not even in the same country? THAT just melted my heart. I'll include a picture of the card later. Thank you SO SO MUCH Rubia!! You can follow her journey at rubiadejimani.livejournal.com. She lost her sweet baby girl Yael @ 38 weeks (stillborn but STILL born) She is currently prego with rainbow so PLEASE all your thoughts and prayers with Yael's little brother or sister.

Well I think that is all for today. If you got this far then GREAT, if not I completely understand :)

Worst night ever

The other night was...TERRIBLE. I sat in the bathroom for over an hour crying. It was the worst I've cried since Leila died. *sigh* I don't want to go over what triggered it, but all I know is it was bad. It's been 8 months...you think it'd be "better" by now right? WRONG. I know people who STILL have these days after years and years of living without their children :( I just don't see it getting better any time soon. I feel SO bad for my mom because she wants so badly to help me, but she can't. She knows when I'm having bad days...well according to my status updates on facebook...but she sees the pain I have to deal with everyday and I know it just breaks her heart. I try to fake being happy when I'm around the family because I don't want them to see me sad all the time...Well, I don't know if "faking" it would be the right word because it almost sounds like I'm not happy when I'm with my family [even though I am]. I can be happy in the moment. It's overall though that I can say I'm not truly happy. I'm not happy now that my daughter's gone. I'm not happy I'll live with this for the rest of my life. I'm not happy that God has her and I don't. What I AM happy for is when I spend time with family. Seriously, they are the only people that have kept me going. When I say family I mean my blood family (not all of them lol), Mustafa, really close friends, my BLMs, etc. These are the people I have to thank for keeping me somewhat sane. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Also, thank you all for leaving me comments, I RARELY answer them and that's my fault :/ but I do want you all to know I read them and am VERY thankful for each and every one of them.

On another note, I've finally finished my christmas tree. It's been sitting in our living room bare for the longest time. It's pretty cute now :) I'll take pictures of our Christmas decorations later since Mustafa took our camera.

Leila,

It's really windy outside today so I can hear your wind chime right outside our window REALLY loud...and I LOVE it. I always feel like you're telling me, "Mama, I'm here". I know you're always with me and I love that. Did you see the little reindeer I got you that's sitting right beside your picture? Isn't it the cutest thing? I may have already mentioned it but I can't remember, so just in case I mentioned it again :) I love you SO much my baby and I continue to miss you MORE than you can even imagine. Did you notice our blog makeover? Isn't your precious face just adorable?? I think so!! Tutu always makes fun of your hairy little body [all in good fun of course :) ] but I know it was because you were so little. All that hair would have fallen out lol. Either way you are the cutest baby ever...no matter how tiny and hairy you were/would have been.

p.s. thank you for letting your mama borrow your blankie every night, it really does bring me comfort to cuddle up with it.

Love,

Mama

If I ever

If I ever see her again, what would I say? Would I yell? cry?...I have dreams about her constantly...to the point where I almost seem obsessed with the whole thing. My ex-best friend still believes that she can relate to me after she chose to have an abortion. I know I've probably talked about this a million times but I just can't shake this. I know that I will NEVER be friends with her again...never. I just feel like I need closure. I have SO much to say to her that I can say on my blog, facebook, to Mustafa a million times that she would never hear and that in itself just eats me up inside. I want her to know how I feel...how angry I am that she wasn't there. The fact that she made up excuse after excuse as to why she didn't come visit us in the hospital. Why she didn't come to March for Babies when she promised me she would. Why she couldn't pick up the damn phone to tell me how sorry she was. I just can't get over it. I mean, I'm over it I just can't stop thinking about it. So does that mean I'm not really over it? I know I shouldn't even waste my time trying to explain things to her because we will never have the friendship we once did, but I can't help but feel like I at least have to tell her that. I want her to know. Not for her sake, but for my own sanity. In my dreams of her I'm always so angry. I'm either yelling at the top of my lungs at her or beating her ass. p.s. I'm not a violent person AT ALL. I guess this is just my sub-conscience trying to release all the anger I feel towards her somehow. I guess it has to go somewhere, huh? I don't know if I've already said this, I probably have, but about a month ago (I think) Mustafa ran into her at a concert, party, whatever and she cried to him saying that she needs to talk to me. I've heard her cry and apologize for other things she's said/done in the past so I wasn't moved this time around. I really didn't care. Kind of laughed about it even. It just seems so fake to me. Anyways Mustafa and I are at a point where we just want her to leave us alone. She comes with TOO much drama that I especially don't need in my life right now. Like I've said before I know we won't be friends, I just want to get this out of my system and move on. *sigh*............

I got through

I know I haven't written on here lately. I really do mean to but then I always seem like I never have enough time in the world to just relax. School has been MORE than hectic this term and I'm SO happy it's over. Anyways, today I've finally talked to my friend who I've talked about before on this blog. I won't mention his name again but we'll call him "J". He texts me telling me that he's crying because he's thinking about Leila. There was only ONE time he's said anything about her after her funeral. Just once. After that I chose to keep my distance after getting hurt too many times at the fact that he avoids the subject. It's been this way with a lot of my friends. I thought this was the perfect time to tell him how I've felt/feel since this might be the only time he'll talk about her again. I told him how isolated I feel when he doesn't mention her name to me. He told me he hasn't brought her up because he doesn't want to make me sad. I reminded him like I've said hundreds of times on facebook that I absolutely despise the fact that no one will talk about her. I despise the fact that people change the subject when I mention her name. I despise the fact that people avoid my comments because it might make them uncomfortable. He told me he knows that I'm hurting and that he is here for me and will be 'til the day he dies and he's sorry that he's made me feel that way. He told me she IS his niece and every time I bring her up he's just unsure of what to say because he only wants to make people happy and not bring down the mood. He told me he's never dealt with death before...ever, before Leila, so it's hard for him to know what to say and what not to. It ended on a good note with him apologizing for showing anything BUT support and I accepted his apology. I figured what he said was how he felt but it's hard when people don't tell you how they feel. I can't read minds. So even truly knowing he does care but just doesn't know how to show it, I still told myself no he doesn't care, he only cares about himself. But that isn't the case at all. I love him (as my friend) and I'm happy that I finally got this off my chest. I finally got through to him...

Leila,

I know sometimes it's hard for people to talk about you considering they might make me sad, and I know you already know this but even though I'm sad when I talk about you I'm also SO happy talking about you. The happiness overcomes all the grief and sadness in the world. If I had to do everything all over again I would do it a million times over. Each time I would feel just as blessed, happy, amazed at your strength as I did the first time around. I'm starting to think that you are even stronger than I thought you were. Looking back on our first appointment with the pregnancy resource center I remember your heart beat was extremely low...only 99. Now that I think about it, I wonder if you weren't even supposed to be "viable" as some would say. Some would say this is a sign of miscarriage. Was it? I guess it's possible. Then I think WOW, if I was "supposed" to miscarry you wouldn't know it because your strength shines through in the next appointment with your heartbeat going strong in the 170's. I was SO worried and did have dreams of miscarriage, so it just makes me wonder.

Anyways, I hope to see you in my dreams soon. Preferably over the weekend so my dreams won't be interrupted by the stupid alarm clock set for work :)

Mama loves you baby!

Can't get away

I just can't get away from babies, pregnancy, etc. It surrounds me everywhere I go. I try and forget about all of it, push it out of my mind for a while and then it all comes flooding back instantly with one tiny trigger. My friend announced to me she was pregnant a couple days ago. She asked me not to say anything about it on facebook because she didn't want anyone to know. Honestly, I wished she didn't want me to know either. I know it's not fair to ask her to go into hiding until after she has her baby (maybe even longer), but it sure would help a ton. To be completely honest, I'm extremely happy for the few people that have told me they were pregnant because we're really close and no one deserves a baby more than these people...but it hurts to hear a friend say they didn't even want a baby, wasn't even trying to get pregnant and even thought about abortion. Don't get me wrong I don't judge when it comes to a woman's choice, but I wouldn't even expect her of all people to become pregnant so carelessly considering the criticism I got from her after announcing my pregnancy. But here we are a year later and she's in the same position. When I asked another BLM and a mutual friend from high school if she felt the way that I did after she lost her baby she said yes, but then she told me "who are we to say who can and can't have babies? we should feel blessed that we even got to experience pregnancy". Part of this is true but on the other hand I never said our friend couldn't have a baby, I was simply telling her how sad I felt after this announcement and that it hurt me that she didn't even want this baby when that's ALL I ever think about these days. So that has made me feel like crap for the last couple of days. Oh and p.s. I BARELY got to experience pregnancy. I got pregnant and not even 24 weeks later I had my baby...so she can speak for herself on that one. Yes, I am 100% grateful for the time that I was pregnant and for the time that we got with Leila but that doesn't make it any easier after watching her die in my arms. It's just not fair. I can't stress enough how tired I am of struggling to just "live" on a daily basis much less having to hear other people's BS. I'm SO stressed out about everything lately and I just feel like I need a break from life. I need a vacation. Will someone go with me please??? Anyways, I'll stop complaining now. I just really had to get that off my chest.

On a completely different note, PLEASE PLEASE pray for two of my BLM friends that have just lost their rainbows in the past couple of days. They truly don't deserve this heartache once again! I'm heartbroken by the news and would love if you all could pray for them. Thank you!

Leila,

I miss you mamas. I miss your little fingers and toes, I miss feeling you kick my tummy, I miss talking to you and hearing your daddy sing to you. I miss the anticipation of the day you'd come home with us, I miss all of it. I miss you SO much tonight and every night. 8 months later and this feeling still hasn't let up. Whenever I feel like this I find a project to do. They are self fulfilling for me and to do it in your name makes it that much better. That is why I will be completing an internship with the March for Babies this year and next in hopes to bring more awareness to pregnancy loss, premature birth, and infant death. Can you just imagine how many people will know your story and the amazing fight you put up? Can you imagine how many people we might be able to save because of this? How many people we might inspire to help join to fight for healthy mamas and babies? This makes me excited for the future. Right now this is the only thing I have to look forward to. I hope you'll stay by my side as make huge changes one step at a time!