Heartache

Leila,

My heart aches for you today. As I looked through your adorable little outfits your Tutu got you, I wished I could dress you in one today. They are so tiny but would have fit you perfectly. Your due date is approaching (July 13th) and Daddy & I want to do something special on that day that we hope you'll like. You know what it is so I won't say it, but I hope you don't think think we're taking away your spotlight. You will always be a part of everything we do and we love any opportunity to share you with the world. Your Tutu and I were thinking today just how big you would have been. If you're anything like your Mommy or Daddy you would probably be SUCH a big girl by now with how much you would have eaten ;). Your Great GREAT Tutu would call you "porky", but I just like to say healthy. :D

Mommy has been trying to "cope" without you here, but it's been SO hard recently. I pray that you give your Mama some strength today. We're supposed to go meet up with your Uncle Noah and cousins today for lunch. They didn't have the pleasure of meeting you while you were here, but I plan on telling them all about you. I just hope they feel comfortable like I do with talking about you. You're my baby girl and I want people to be able to share the happy memories I've had with you without feeling squeamish. I miss you SO much and just want your memory to stay alive. As long as I am here I will remind everyone what joy and love you brought to our lives. At this point I honestly can't imagine how life would be had you not been born. It's like you gave meaning to my life that I never knew could exist.

cont. We didn't end up seeing your Uncle Noah and cousins but we ended up going to OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) **sigh** It was hard seeing the pregnancy exhibit. I saw a baby that was your gestational age and it immediately took me back to memories of you. I couldn't help but cry as I read all of the descriptions of each week and what organs should be developing by now. You were supposed to be in my tummy still growing. :( But I know that you're not now and I have to deal with it. But it made me REALLY sad to see what should have been.

Your Daddy was having a rough day today too. I know he misses you SO much...which reminds me...Father's Day is coming up and I'm thinking about what I should get Daddy. I thought since I have my necklace and bracelet in memory of you, then maybe I should get him a dog tag with your footprints on them. I just think it would be nice if he could show everyone your perfect feet so they know that you are his baby and he really is a Daddy. I know most people don't consider him one since you're not here, but we all know better than that.

We really miss you babygirl. I hope you come visit me in my dreams soon.

Mommy loves you.

I HATE MY LIFE!

UGH I hate my new life! I'm SO tired of this new life and I want my old life back! I want to be happy again with Leila BACK in my belly doing gymnastics like she always did. I want everyone to stop feeling PITY for me and be EMPATHETIC. I'm not really sure what I mean by that statement but that's what came to mind so WHATEVER. God, I feel like nothing in the world matters anymore. Like seriously...what the hell is the point in living anymore??...I just want to get run over by a damn bus already! When is it MY time to go?! What the hell are my lessons to be learned on this earth and WHY can't I learn them NOW so I can go and be with Leila for the rest of eternity. UGH I just want her HERE with me.

Is it crazy that I have this frickin urge to hold a tiny baby?? I don't even care if it's the woman across the street who I don't know, I just WANT to hold someone's baby SO badly. It wouldn't even hurt to see newborns if I could actually HOLD them. But since they're within my reach and I can't even HOLD them I feel like I do, not being able to hold Leila anymore. I talked to my friend today who has a son that is 9 months old. He's frickin huge compared to my Leila but I just want to hold him. She told me she would bring him on campus sometime soon so I could hold him. I feel like this urge to hold a baby is like an addiction to a drug. (I've never been on drugs by the way but I assume this is what it feels like) One hit isn't good enough. I want more and more. Why can't I have my OWN baby so I wouldn't even have this urge. Instead I have to hold someone else's to stop these baby withdrawals. :( F.M.L.

What the HELL did I do to deserve this?! I'm SO tired of feeling like this!...Today was my 2nd day back at work since Leila was born and it was MUCH worse than the first. I have NO idea why but it was. I cried all damn day. It seemed like I had already been there 12 hours when only 3 had passed. It was SO long and I couldn't stand it anymore I just had to leave. My boss is really understanding and said no problem but it's just like...when is this going to end??! I've been out of work for SO long now and even after all this time I feel like I'm not ready...when the hell will I be ready though?? Will I EVER be ready?? I'm starting to think I won't! I wish there was work I could do from home or something...damnit why can't I just win the lottery so I won't HAVE to ever work again. When the hell is my luck coming?? Why is it always old people who win (who are just going to die soon anyways) OR trailer trash people who waste all their money on casinos! UGH why am I so bitter? I swear it's like I will never be happy anymore and all I do is complain! WHEN IS IT GOING TO END?!!

Today since I was having such bad anxiety about answering phones at my job I just had to get up and leave. I had to get some "counseling" from our student health and counseling center on campus. First thing to do was to fill out paperwork saying why I was there. But before that I had to answer different random questions. One was "do you have children?" yes? no? how do I answer these damn questions?! I don't want to say no and deny her damnit. She's my daughter! so I said YES! The next question..."their age?" UGH NOW what do I say?? "N/A"?? Well that's what I put...god damn these stupid questions I have to answer for the rest of my life. Anyways...Let me just tell you she (the psychologist or whatever she was) was NO frickin help. She asked me about my situation, I told her. She just said I'm so sorry, there's nothing I can say that will help but you are doing all the right things in the grieving process...bla bla bla...well why the hell was I there then? I don't understand the point in coming there. She had NO idea what I was going through, I don't even know why I wasted my time. I need to talk to someone who has BEEN THROUGH IT! Someone I can relate to.

I hope I can find someone to talk to soon...this is eating me up inside

Leila,

Mommy misses you SO much. I want EVERYONE to know that you are my baby whether you are physically here or not! Your life has changed me SO much. Even though you were so tiny in that NICU, you had the BIGGEST spirit. When I walked into the NICU all I saw was you. You make me such a proud mommy. I miss having you with me all the time (in my belly). Sometimes I think I can still feel you kick but then I remember you're back in heaven and it's hard to deal with that. I wish I had your strength...Today makes it 7 weeks that you've been gone. WOW it feels like yesterday I was holding you in the Butterfly Room after you had taken your last breath. I just wish I could go back in time when we were a happy family. Back to the day when I held you for the first time. That was truly the best day of my life. If you were still in my belly today I would be 33 weeks pregnant. I wonder how big you would have gotten by now! I wonder how big I would've gotten. I bet you would be hurting mommy with all your gymnastics, but I know that I would be LOVING every minute of it! Not a day goes by that I don't think "what if" or "why", but I know none of that will bring you back to me. I know that you had a purpose in life and you served that and then you were called back to heaven. You left so soon but you had SUCH a big impact on so many lives that it doesn't matter how long you were here for. I know I say I hate my life right now but I don't want you to think that you did anything wrong to make me hate it. You did everything right! I just wish I could've gotten more time with you. I know that no one is to blame for this but I can't help but wish this for us. I wish I could've watched you grow right before my eyes. I wish I could have waken up a million times in the middle of the night to feed you. I wish I could've taken you to my job to show you off to everyone. I wish I could've taken you to the park in the summer time. I wish I could've put you in that pretty summer dress I got for you this summer. I wish SO many things for us, but most of all I wish for only your happiness. As long as you're happy where you are then I will try my hardest to be happy with it too. Mommy isn't perfect though so remember this will be a hard journey for me to take without you and I just pray that you continue to stay with me through it all. I am SO grateful for the time that we were able to spend together and I will hold on to these memories until I am able to see you again and make more of them! Remember that you will ALWAYS be mommy and daddy's firstborn. You were wanted more than anything and you have SO much love from mommy, daddy and the rest of your family that it will never wear out. I love you my baby!

Love always,

Mommy

Past couple days were emotional to say the least...

I had my 2nd postpartum appointment yesterday. My Dr. set it up just to check up on me. WELL he fucking forgot my daughter died and asked me how my baby was...ARE YOU SERIOUS?...I said uhh REMEMBER? He said "OOOOH My God I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid, right when I said it I remembered and realized how stupid that was." Yea thanks for thinking about it after the fact buddy. So anyways that went pretty shitty.

[Different story about yesterday]

I felt SO good to get some things off my chest. My "friend" messaged me and asked me if we could "start fresh". After all the drama he has brought into my life I said HELL NO. I sent him a LOOONG message basically tellin him OFF! I was SO angry at everything he's done in the past that I'm just done with him. I don't feel bad for any single thing I said and people might tell me "you shouldn't have said that", "you shouldn't have done that" or "you should of just left him alone," but NOPE, I HAD to. I may have taken some anger out on him that I'd been feeling since my daughter's death, but he fuckin deserved every bit of it. He was not a "friend" to me when he claimed to be. Like I said, it felt good so before you tell me I shouldn't have, just don't because I don't regret any of it...and YES I told him about his girlfriend who is also not my friend anymore and who used to be my "best friend". She deserves it too and if she would like to hear me say it to her face then I dare her to even try and talk to me today.

Today was my first day back at work since my daughter was born. Today is also the anniversary of my Tutu's death (my grandma). It's been 8 years since she's died and today is like an internal clock that set me back in time. I am back to the day that she died and it feels like SHIT. My mom is also not having a very good day today. This day EVERY year is hard for her. I decided to leave work and go to lunch with my mom. It was nice to get away from work for a while. Then when I came back to work I went in to talk to my boss who absolutely loves me like I was her own granddaughter. She's really sweet and I love her to pieces. BUT I was telling her about my triggers and about pregnant women being one of them...and well she had to burst my bubble by saying "WELL there's 3 pregnant women in our office now"...just since I've been gone...Well HELL....thank you everyone for making my return SO much easier. I will now have to come to work and see their bellies growing and think to myself every day that should have been me. F.M.L. Oh and by the way on the way home from work there were TWO pregnant women who I didn't even KNOW were pregnant until they started talking to each other about it and one was getting ready to throw up right next to me in her paper bag...she kept saying how sick she was feeling from the train ride. :( I threw up on that damn train twice when I was pregnant...lovely reminder...thanks Chick!

After work I went to my little brother and sister's open house with my parents. My sister is 9 and in the 4th grade and my brother is 8 and in the 2nd grade. We took a look at all of their art work and things like that...well their writings were REALLY emotional for me. My brother wrote about how excited he was because he was going to be an uncle in July. Then his next writing was about how my baby died. :( UGH I cried of course. It was SO sweet to know he was thinking about me and Leila (of course he would that was his life for a while...going back and forth to the hospital everyday) but it was also EXTREMELY heartbreaking to read. Then we went to my sister's class and I thought the water works were done...BUT it didn't stop at my brother's class. My sister wrote about the March for Babies and what it stood for. She wrote about my baby dying and about how sad it was. Then came the tears again...in front of both their classes I cried. Thank God I was SO focused on my crying that I didn't see if anyone else was looking at me like I was a crazy person...oh by the way there was a REALLY pregnant mom in one of the classes...*sigh*

I'm starting to think God is fuckin with me (sorry if I offend anyone) but seriously? what is this like 6 pregnant chicks JUST today...I don't know when this will get "easier" I just hope it's REALLY soon!

Anyways....

Tutu,

Today makes it 8 years that you've been gone. I was 12 and in middle school when you died and now I'm 20 in college and just had a baby. Where did the time go??? I feel like it was just yesterday that you were with me and Bre waiting for the phone call to come when Makoa was born. I miss hearing your voice. I miss holding your hand as we walked through Wal-mart (your favorite store). We all used to HATE Wal-mart but for some reason after you left we started to love it. Maybe it was because we felt like it was a part of you...or maybe we just thought it was a GREAT store after we got used to it. :) I can still remember the sound of your voice and your laugh. It used to embarrass me when you laughed so loud in the movie theatre {lol}. Now I would do anything to get that back. There were SO many things that have happened in my life since you died that I wanted to share with you. I remember one time when you came to visit you were sleeping in my room with me and we were talking about a boy I had a crush on when I was in the 6th grade. Little things like that are what I miss the most. I didn't have my Tutu there with me physically for the past 8 years but I know you were always there. You were there when I graduated high school, when I started college, when I told my parents I was pregnant, when I had Leila, when she died, when we buried her. I know you are always there in spirit but it hurts that you're not physically here with us. Even though we all miss you SO much, I am very happy to know that YOU were the one who welcomed Leila when she got to heaven's gates. YOU are watching over her for me until I get there. Thank you Tutu...I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you SO much.

Leila honey,

These past few days have been EXTREMELY hard for Mommy without you. I just went back to work today and I remembered that I thought the next time I'd be in there would be to show you off to everyone...but you're gone now so all I had were pictures to show everyone. I treasure those pictures since they were your last. Everyone said you were SO cute! Your Mommy already knew that when she seen that adorable outline of your face come up on the ultrasound. You were such a cutie pie!

Daddy and I were sitting outside on the porch last night talking. He talked about how much he missed you and that made me so happy to hear. I'm happy that he's opening up now. I know it's been hard on him (losing you) and he just wants to stay strong for your Mama, but I'm glad he knows it's OK to miss you. We all do! I went to your Auntie and Uncle's open house tonight in their classes and read what they wrote about you. It was SO sweet. Your Uncle Makoa talked about how happy he was to be an Uncle and about how sad he was when you died. Your Auntie Nani talked about the March for Babies walk we did for you and what it stood for. She also talked about how sad it was when you died. I know it's affected them too and it breaks my heart to know that they are hurting as well but it also makes me happy to know that they haven't forgotten about you.

I cried for you quite a bit today. I cried because I miss you SO much and I selfishly want you here with me. I talked to a friend of mine who also lost her baby and she told me that even though I don't know why you had to go, she knows that you had a purpose here in life and then you were called back to God after your lessens were learned. I still am amazed by how smart you are to have learned your life lessens SO quickly! I wonder who you get that from!

Today makes it 8 years that your Tutu Nui has been gone. I know you weren't able to meet her when you were born, but now you're with her ALL the time in heaven. I just know that she's taking such good care of you. She's probably spoiling you rotten! :D I can just imagine how many laughs you two will have had by the time I get there! Your Tutu Nui's probably the most popular person up there with all the "talk story" she does. Her personality lit up a room anywhere she went. She always made friends wherever she went and I'm sure it's no different up there. You must have met your Auntie Tammy by now too. I've always wondered what she was like! I hope you're having fun up there with the two of them. I just know you are.

I miss you and love you MORE THAN YOU KNOW mamas! I hope you'll visit me in my dreams soon.

Love,

Mommy

Today was nothing different! (Spreading the love)

I'm spreading the love today (created by Carly) to my sister Brittani!

Me [on the left sitting], Brittani [in the middle] and Breana [on the right]

This is a picture of me and my sisters when we were kids. Yea I know we all look a HOT ass mess, but those were the times we had THE MOST fun! :D

My sister Brittani is THE sweetest person I know. She doesn't live with me or even anywhere near me...well actually just one state away. She is the perfect example of how being blood-related means nothing. I have SO many blood relatives that I wouldn't even consider "family" yet I also have people in my life who have NO blood relation and are considered more my family than other family members I know.

Brittani and I grew up together since pretty much first grade (I was in first, she was in second). We actually met before we even knew the relation. My step-sister (whose dad is married to my mom) is actually Brittani's sister. They have the same mom and different dads. Got that? :) So ANYWAYS some people might think it [strange] our relationship, but Brittani has always been considered my sister. The three of us (Breana, Brittani & I) went to the same schools together. Brittani and I were inseparable during middle school; everywhere she went, I went...I guess you could say I followed her around a lot {lol} but she didn't mind. She has always been there for me since we were kids and today was nothing different.

Before I tell you about today, let me tell you about the first thing she did after Leila was born...

I got a package in the mail from her a while back. It was actually after Leila died (since I checked my mail late), but it was supposed to be for Leila while she was in the NICU. It was a blanket that she had crocheted. We had been talking about crocheting and I was telling her about the blanket I was making for Leila (which I never finished by the way). So she hurried up and finished hers after she found out Leila was born and was staying in the NICU.

Then she sent it along with a card telling us to stay strong. After I cried and told her I received the package she told me that I could send it back if I wanted. I told her No, she made it for Leila so I was going to keep it for Leila.

Then today I get another package from Brittani. I opened it and there were pictures of my belly that I had sent her throughout my pregnancy that she had laminated. I cried SO hard when I seen them. These pictures were SO special to me and she had kept them all and sent them to me.

She also included a few poems that she really liked and thought were especially appropriate. I really liked them too so I will add them to my "The Gift of Words" tab along with what she wrote in the card that I thought was REALLY sweet. I was actually not having a good day so far, but THIS made me SO happy. It couldn't have come at a better time.

I am SO grateful for my sister Brittani and the love that she has shown me throughout the years. I always know that I can count on her and today was nothing different.

Tattoo Ideas...help

So I'm thinking about getting a tattoo for Leila. I have several different idea but I'm not too sure which I like best yet.

Of course it has to have a butterfly...it's going to be blue or aqua for her birth month. Also I wanted a flower that has some meaning. I've been researching and it's so crazy how daffodils relate to Leila. A daffodil is the flower for the birth month March and it means rebirth, new beginnings, etc. It fits perfectly because it can symbolize my new life and new beginning with my butterfly Leila. In the Egyptian culture (which my boyfriend is) the daffodil symbolizes death. They usually use these flowers at funerals. I read somewhere else that it symbolizes young death (she died young). There was a poem written called To Daffodils and it's about how life is short and the world is beautiful. We must use the short time we live and make the most of it and that's exactly what Leila did and continues to do!

I actually like the pink daffodils better than the yellow and there are SO many different species of daffodils but I think these ones are pretty

The blue butterfly also fits perfectly because the other day my boyfriend and I were playing games in the arcade and there was one game where you win a rubber bouncy ball. There were SO many different designs in the balls that it's just too crazy for this to be a coincidence. We won a bouncy ball with a blue butterfly in it.

My boyfriend and I were SO surprised and knew that it was a gift from Leila. Might seem silly to some people but for us it was a sign that she's still with us. She always is...

I also like the hibiscus flower. It symbolizes delicate beauty which Leila definitely is. I would like a white hibiscus for the meaning of innocence and purity. Another flower that is my absolute favorite is the plumeria. Although they're not native to Hawai'i, they've become adopted by the Hawaiian culture and very popular. To Hawaiians a plumeria represents perfection and the bond between everything good. If coupled with a blue butterfly I would take it to mean the bond between mother and daughter...Leila (the butterfly) and I.

I also thought about getting her footprints tattooed on me. Her feet were just so tiny and perfect I thought it would be SO cute. BUT I have her footprints engraved on my necklace that I NEVER take off so I thought it might be kind of redundant.

I don't know. I've just started thinking about different ideas but this is the start of it. If you have any ideas let me know!

I love you my little butterfly!

My little butterfly

Leila,

Mommy just wants to focus on the positive today. I was thinking about our time in the NICU and despite the anxiety & fear we possessed, we also had SO much love. You were surrounded by so many family members that loved you very much. Even though you weren't able to meet your aunts & uncles, they were definitely there. They asked about you all the time and really couldn't wait to see you. They couldn't see you because of the age requirement to be in the NICU, but they stayed in the lobby and played with your Grampie while we stayed by your bedside. They always asked if they could see you and when we'd tell them they weren't able to they would ask when they would be able to see you. You were so loved by many. Your daddy's uncle and aunt came to see you. Your Uncle Waled said he doesn't do very well with these kinds of things. I don't know what he meant by these kind of things but he ended up getting over his fear and coming to visit you. He was amazed by your petite little figure and how strong you were. Uncle Waled's wife Auntie Jaime thought you were SO precious. She also was amazed by your strength. You seemed to have that affect on everyone! That's my girl! ;) Your uncle Haythem came to see you as well and said you were beautiful. That Uncle of yours cracks me up. He always has jokes but when he seen you, you took his breath away. He congratulated me and Daddy on what a good job we did. We were so proud and still are. Another day a couple of other aunts came to see you...your Auntie Pattie, Auntie Roberta, and Auntie Susie. They brought you THE cutest little strawberry outfit that was SO tiny. I LOVED it! Even though it was so tiny, I'm sure it would have been big on you. We weren't able to put you in it but I still kept it for you.

I wasn't with them when they went to see you but your Tutu was. I can just imagine how loud Auntie Susie was. lol She probably frightened you with her voice, but she's harmless. When she came back to my room she told me how gorgeous you were. She said she couldn't even believe how small you were. I can show people pictures and they think wow she is small, but until they see you in person they have no idea. You are truly our little miracle. You weren't supposed to be born for another 16 weeks, but you still fought for a while so that mommy could hold you. I'm SO happy to know that I was the reason you waited.

Easter was your first holiday and we wanted to decorate your bed but the nurses wouldn't allow it because of the risk of suffocation. We understood completely and instead decided to bring you an easter basket to sit on the counter by your bed. In the basket was an easter bunny and two cards. One from Mommy & Daddy and the other from your Tutu & Grampie. They're like your second parents. They came to see you just as much as I did. Your Tutu and I would spend a lot of time in the NICU laughing around your bed. We're so glad you got to be around our positive energy filled with smiles and laughter. We had really good times with you and you were already considered one of the girls. After you passed we talked about how lucky we were that you got to be a part of that while you were still here. We would have loved to have girl time with all of us including your aunties but realized that we did have that. It was just the 3 of us; three generations of strong women and you were the strongest.

Mommy wishes now we would have gotten our pictures taken by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. At the time I just wanted to remember you as the beautiful and strong little girl that you were while you still had your spirit; now I realize that even after your spirit left your body our love didn't. Whether we had taken pictures of us while you were still here or after you were gone, you still would be able to see the love we have for you in our eyes. I wish we have more pictures to show that. But now I cherish the pictures I do have even more. Your picture is the background on my phone and I always look at it. I rub the screen as if I were rubbing your little hand. I miss that feeling so much I try and remember it as I look at your pictures. I want to always remember what it feels like to hold your hand.

I remember that time Daddy was in a hurry to do something (I can't remember what for...probably to get some food lol) and I said that we would leave as soon as you let my hand go. You were holding on so tight that I never wanted you to let my hand go. It was so adorable and I was smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. Auntie Marni was there laughing at the fact that you wouldn't let go for a really long time. You really wanted your Mommy there didn't you? :D

Your Auntie Marni came to visit from Texas after you were born. She realized how much we needed family at that time that she took the next flight out. She saw you and was SO surprised at how GREAT you looked. She thought since you were born so early that you would be "lifeless", but you were anything but. You were probably the most active baby in that whole NICU. The nurses were so surprised by how much you moved around and opened your eyes. Speaking of...

you were born at 23 weeks 6 days gestation so everyone thought your eyes would be fused together for a while; but they were wide open the minute you were born! They were SO surprised and I was so happy. It's like you couldn't wait to do anything...you had to show all the other micro-preemie babies up. YOU were hitting milestones before you were even born! You just amaze me every day!

I will continue to remember the GREAT times we had together and post them as time goes along. These moments are just too special to forget.

P.S. This morning Leila, your Daddy and I were in bed and he was looking into my eyes. It just reminded me so much of you. I told him "you look like Leila right now." It was something he was doing with his eyes. You looked SO much like your Daddy it was ridiculous. He told me now that I've said that he just keeps thinking about you and wanted me to tell you that he misses you.

I love and miss you my little butterfly!

Love,

Mommy

Stupid facebook

I can't even believe I'm crying over this right now but OMG...seriously? I can't STAND people's rude comments...I know they probably didn't mean anything by it but people should just think before they speak. The same thing that happened to Tami happened to me. I'm looking on facebook and my cousin is pregnant. She said she was having a boy and prays that the pregnancy goes well and her baby is healthy. Then my other cousin comments on it and says "I'm happy for you guys, it's always nice for me to hear good things happening to good people"....what does that make me? Am I a bad person because bad things happen to me? My daughter died and that makes ME a bad person? Did I not do everything in my power to try and save her? I never smoked or drank alcohol during my pregnancy. I tried to eat healthy and get some exercise but because my daughter died you're telling me that I must have done something wrong?

UGH I hate taking everything so personal, but this is the new me. The one who's daughter died and now there's only bitterness. I feel like the whole world is insensitive now. No one thinks about my feelings before they say these things. That makes me selfish doesn't it? Feeling like everyone should be thinking about my feelings before anyone else's? Well, I can't help it. :( Now I have so much hate in me I feel like emailing everyone and giving them a piece of my mind. Nothing goes on up there but thoughts of my daughter and how insensitive people are regarding her death. I know it wouldn't be constructive to send out these emails, but I feel like it's all building up and one day I'm just going to snap at someone because I didn't tell them before it got to this point.

Today is Leila's 2 month birthday and I've posted this on my facebook...

"Today Leila you would have been 2 months old. I miss you more & more each day and wonder what you'd be doing at this age. Today also makes it 1 month 1 week 6 days since you grew your angel wings. I'd like to think I did everything in my power to save you but I wish I could've taken your sickness away and brought you home with me. Instead you're with God now. I miss you & love you my baby!

Happy 2 month Birthday"

Now I guarantee that not one person in my family will comment on this besides my mom. Only friends will (maybe) and other babylost mamas. I hate that! WHY THE HELL won't people acknowledge it?! UGH I just feel like deleting facebook all together so I won't even have to get offended when no one says anything. But then I would have NOTHING to do. I don't go to work and I don't take classes anymore because of what happened. All I do is sit in my apt. or my mom's place on my computer. I think maybe I'll go to Barnes & Noble today to read books. Maybe I'll read books on how to grieve after your baby has died. Maybe that will help, I don't know.

Anyways...

Dear Leila,

*sigh* I miss you every second of every day...that's nothing new but I just thought I'd keep reminding you so you don't forget. Today means you would have been 2 months old. I can't even imagine what we'd be doing right now. I wonder how much bigger you would have gotten by now. I'm sure you'd be a really big girl despite how you started off..."petite" :) ...According to BBC you should be about 3.75 pounds now. WOW! I can't imagine holding a big 'ol baby like that! ;) I can only imagine holding my petite baby girl. I miss holding you. I just want to kiss your cheeks so bad. That's all I've wanted to do since you were born, but we didn't want you to be too stressed out from all the touching. I bet you'd be in my arms more often though. I would've held you every second of every day. I would've read stories to you and sang to you (even though our mama doesn't have a good voice). I still would've done it though.

I just want you to know how much you are loved and missed. I feel like I can't say it enough. But I hope you know that and remember that your Mommy's always here for you, no matter what. You can come see me in my dreams whenever you want, I'm always open to a visit from my favorite little girl in the whole wide world. I love you my baby!

Love always,

Mommy

Where did the time go?

Where did the time go? I feel like I grew up and died all at the same time. I finally finished Leila's story and posted it...I hate the ending. It should have been different but I know I can't change it because that's really what happened. I can't bring her back and change the ending to our story but I wish I could. It's only 10 pages and I've missed SO many details but I just got tired of writing it. I wanted to be done and move on. Not really move on and forget about it but I just don't want to write every single thing out. I feel like my heart literally hurts from writing it. I have this huge lump in my throat that won't go away now. It's that feeling you get when you're ready to cry. I don't even think I want to go back and proofread it because I don't want to cry again. I'm tired of this feeling of helplessness. I feel like all hope is gone and the world is coming to an end. That whole "theory" about 2012 and the world really coming to an end...I hope it happens. I'm ready to go already. I feel like if I knew I was going to die tomorrow I wouldn't care. No matter how it happens, I'm not scared of dying. If there's pain, I don't care. No pain could be worse then the pain I feel from losing my daughter. This pain doesn't go away and it hasn't gotten easier.

Ever since moving into this new apartment I feel so damn guilty that I threw away the pregnancy test. I threw away the test I took when I found out I was pregnant with Leila. I don't know why I threw it away. The screen didn't say pregnant anymore so I thought there was no point in saving it. Stupid me, now I want it back. I can't believe I even threw it away. That was a memory of my baby and I tossed it like it was nothing. :( I want to go in the trash and find it but I know it's long gone by now. UGH...

I miss my daughter SO much. I hate that I have to lay in bed every night with the blanket she was wrapped in, just to make me feel like she's still with me. I want her to be in my arms again.

....in the middle of writing this an old friend/co-worker found me on Facebook. Last time I seen her was at our old job. She had just had a baby and I was in love with him. I've always loved babies so naturally I was excited for her. She brought her baby Dominic to work and he was so adorable I had to hold him. I still have the picture of me holding him that Dominic's daddy took (that's the picture I put up on this post). Anyways she had seen my post on Facebook about Leila and told me that she knows exactly how I feel. I thought, how could you possibly know how I feel you have your baby with you. Then I read on and she said "I lost my son May 30, 2009 when he was 7 and 1/2 months old." My heart dropped. I had NO idea but my heart breaks with hers. I have NO idea what happened to her son but she definitely found me for a reason. I need someone to meet with and talk to who knows what I'm going through and she is that person. She gave me her number and told me that we should meet up to talk and that she thinks it would be good for both of us.

WOW, God works in mysterious ways. I plan on meeting up with her and I hope we can both be each other's shoulder to lean on. Dominic's angel date is coming up soon so maybe I should meet up with her sooner than later and we can do something for her angel on that day.

Dear Leila,

I just found out that a friend of mine also has an angel baby. His name is Dominic. He's been there for almost a year now so maybe you two can meet up and he can show you around up there. Then again maybe you're already running things up there like you were down here. Always on your own time and doing whatever you want. :P Although I didn't want you to leave so soon I know that you're in a better place flying free like a beautiful butterfly.

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."-author unknown

This quote caught my attention because it reminded me of you and how everything changes in life even though we don't want it to. But like the quote implies, we wouldn't have the beauty of the butterfly if the caterpillar it was before didn't change. You were my little caterpillar and when you grew your wings you turned into a butterfly. :)

I love and miss you my little butterfly

Love,

Mommy

We're making a difference! I hope :D

Ann suggested that all of us BabyLoss Parents post the same status on our facebook to bring awareness to our friends and family about pregnancy and infant loss. We are all posting our stories on each other's status' as comments so that people's facebook will be flooded with our stories...then they might just get the picture. We hope to be featured on The Oprah show so that we can talk about how pregnancy and infant loss is such a taboo subject and the things we go through having to "grieve in silence".

After doing more research on it, it seems like EVERYONE had this idea. lol I guess in 2007 Oprah's producers made an announcement telling people to share their stories about their losses and it would be featured on her show..but it never aired? That's what I'm hearing at least. I wonder why that is! I REALLY want to see this on her show before her last season ends! A lot of us babylost mamas have sent emails to her about our stories and suggesting a show be created for just this. I HOPE to God we will get the chance to tell our stories. We really need to make this an openly talked about subject. People need help grieving the loss of their babies but no one who's never been through a loss knows how to comfort them. We need to tell them how.

Maybe Oprah will reconsider this as a topic for her show after an influx of emails regarding it. I HOPE...If you someone you love or you yourself are dealing with a loss of your pregnancy or baby then write an email to Oprah PLEASE. We need your help! Here is the link to tell a bit of your story and your thoughts on having a show about it.

https://www.oprah.com/ownshow/plug_form.html?plug_id=3749665

Thanks ladies and gentlemen (if a man happens to read my blog) :)

On another note I was just checking my voicemail because my grandma called me earlier and left a message, then I realize I have SO many saved messages from when my daughter was in the NICU. UGH I have the one from her doctor giving me his daily update of Leila. He said she was doing really good. :( I have multiple messages telling me good news. Then why...is she not here anymore?...I hate these messages. I wish they would go away without me having to listen to them and then press 7 :( ...but then again I want to listen to them over and over. She was really here and doing good (despite what they thought) but now she's dead. :( I hate this.........

Anyways I feel like I haven't talked to my daughter in forever...

Dear Leila,

Mommy misses you SO much today. I'm hoping we can get everyone's attention so that other people know how hard it is for us parents to lose you children. :( Your mommy wants to make a change in the world and hopefully make you proud. That's all I live for now...It's you. I live for you mamas...I got your sign the other day letting me know that you were with me and Daddy. :) I love it and will keep it forever. Thank you sweetie. Daddy misses you so much too. I know he doesn't always speak his feelings but he's your daddy and wants people to know you're his daughter and how much he loves you. He wrote that on his facebook today. :)
I'm now ready to choose your stone for your plot and need your guidance. Help me to decide what would be just perfect for you. I have an idea already :) but I want you to help me make it come to life!
May 27th will be the 8th anniversary of your Tutu Nui (great Grandma) gaining her angel wings. Just like your angel day, I will remember hers always. It was SO unexpected and your Tutu (my mom,your Grandma) took it very hard. Her mommy is in heaven now and that day I had my first breakdown I prayed that she would be watching over you until I get there. I know you're not alone but I just can't help to want to be up there with you so badly.

I heard the messages left on my phone from your doctor. He was always giving me good news. It just reminds me of how strong you were in the NICU. Everyone thought you were too young but were amazed when they saw you fight. I knew you'd be a fighter. You have your Tutu Nui's fight inside of you. :D I know she is SO proud. Anyways honey I hope to see you soon. Whether it be in a dream or a sign I can't wait to see you. Thank you for always listening to your mama ramble. :D

Mommy & Daddy love you Leila, remember that!

Dear Oprah...my great idea!

Today I am trying to finish writing out Leila's birth and life story. Although it was very brief, she brought SO much love to my life...more than I could EVER imagine. I got distracted by watching Oprah and then thought of a great idea...or at least I think it is...

I have been hearing so many people say how taboo child loss is and I've decided that I want it to be an openly talked about subject. Call me crazy but I'm tired of having to grieve in secret or only among my other baby loss mamas. We deserve to be recognized by the world too. Where is our title? Like Ann said to me before, a child who's lost a parent is called an orphan, a woman who loses her husband is a widow, but a mother who loses a child...what are we called?
Anyways who better to hear our story than Oprah?! Any time she says read this book, people are on top of it. I don't understand how one person can have so much power over people, but she is an icon to many. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning her, that's GREAT that she's come so far. I only wish someday people will hear our story and actually listen like they listen to Oprah. My point in writing this is that I have chosen to write a letter to Oprah. I don't know whether it will actually get to her but I hope it will and I hope she will consider our story for one of her shows. The story of us being babylost mamas.
Some of you might think I'm crazy and that this will never be considered, but I have faith that our strength will be heard and we will be recognized for what we are...mothers. We are mothers to angels but nonetheless we are mothers.
Tell me what you guys think...

So I'll attach my letter to the end of this but fyi I read the submission rules and thought OK I can do this...then I read them again and realized one of the rules says it has to be a 2000 CHARACTER maximum rather than a 2000 WORD maximum. I obviously don't read directions very well. Now I have to cut down 2 PAGES to about 1 paragraph...so sad :( but here it is anyways...It was just a rough draft but it will obviously have to undergo some major changes.

Oprah,

Why is losing a baby such a taboo subject? So many women in the United States and all over the world have lost a child/children and have yet to heal because of the stigma associated with it. Women around you don't want to say anything to you for fear that you losing a baby will rub off on them, OR they honestly don't know what to say. Men usually don't want to talk about something that God forbid would make them show any emotion. Understandably so…you haven't lost a child and don't know how to respond, but why do we have to grieve in secret? I want people to hear our story...the story of the Babylost Mamas.

I went into labor at 23 weeks 5 days gestation and was told my daughter would be born within 24 hours. Leila Keolalani Mohamed was born 16 weeks early on March 22, 2010 at 1 pound 7 ounces. She was the epitome of perfection. Doctors told me she probably wouldn't survive. Before she was born they gave me two options: comfort care, meaning she would be delivered and then put in my arms so I'm able to comfort her as she passes, the other option was an emergency c-section. With any c-section there are risks, but this one in particular would pose a risk to me more than my baby. With this c-section the doctors would be doing everything in their power to save her. After talking with the doctors I decided to go with comfort care. I couldn't bear to see my daughter suffer from my selfishness of wanting her to stay so badly. Comfort care was the doctor's recommendation and they fully supported my decision to go through with it. After "sleeping" it off that night in the hospital I woke up feeling like my decision was not the right one for me. Who am I to say she doesn't deserve a chance to fight? I wanted to give her that chance; if God chooses to keep her with me, then he does, but if he needs her in heaven then I will thank him for the time we were given with her regardless. I changed my mind and asked for that c-section. I had faith in my daughter.

Within minutes I was whisked away on the stretcher to the operation room. With my Mom by my side, I knew I had made the right decision. All I can remember during the operation was the moment they took her out of my belly. She whimpered like a puppy and that sound was music to my ears. My daughter was really here. She was immediately taken to the NICU to be cared for.

Each day in the NICU she seemed to be improving. We had our ups and downs but she showed so much strength for such a "petite" little girl. Nurse Kristin called her "petite" rather than tiny. She was the best nurse I ever could have asked for.

April 7th was the first day I was able to hold her. It was the most amazing feeling of my whole life. My family was finally complete. Then, just two days later on April 9, 2010 my whole world fell apart. I found out my daughter was sick the night before and was told she wouldn't survive. She was just too premature. The doctor suggested we spend as much time with her as possible because she could be gone at any moment.

As I held her in my arms those last moments I whispered in her ear that she could go to heaven whenever she was ready. I told her that I loved her very much and that I would see her again someday. The doctors told us we would need to take her off life support, but ultimately we didn't have to. Her heart rate descended on its own and eventually stopped as she lay in my arms. She left this world as beautiful and perfect as when she came in it.

Losing a child is the worst tragedy for a woman to endure, but to have to go through it behind closed doors makes it even harder. Like my good friend Ann reminded me, a child who's lost a parent is called an orphan, a woman who's lost her husband is called a widow, but a woman who's lost a child...what are we called? I'm not sure who created this title for us but we were dubbed "Babylost Mamas" and I embrace that title. I want everyone to hear our story and let us tell it openly without it being swept under the rug. Although my daughter is no longer with me I AM STILL a mother. Women who give birth to babies who are still breathing but have gone later are STILL mothers. Women who give birth to their babies sleeping are STILL mothers. Women who have miscarriages are STILL mothers. We went through being pregnant just like mothers who bring home healthy babies. Some of us for a shorter period of time than others, but nonetheless we are mothers. We had hopes and dreams for our babies and those were shattered when they were “lost”. The term lost doesn’t make sense to me. Lost implies that it can be found again but our babies will never be found. They are gone forever and we have to live with that for the rest of our lives. Although our babies have passed away we still remain their mothers. We Babylost mamas have different stories but share one thing in common; we carry the grief of losing our children but continue to love deeply from afar.

After my daughter passed away I knew that I wanted some good to come out of this tragedy. I have "met" so many women who go through this pain and have no one to turn to. I say met in quotations because I haven't actually met them in person. Our online community has opened the door for us to express our feelings and grieve with written words without having to speak them. I personally would like to speak about it. If nothing else comes of this, all I want is to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. I want it to be openly talked about and accepted rather than thrown on the back burner because society refuses to hear about anything “ugly” in the world. The diffusion of responsibility is what we have on our hands right now. No one wants to be responsible for anyone else’s well being and it’s every man for himself in this life……
Raising awareness might help other Babylost Mamas like me someday…..

Thanks for reading, now I will have to update on the new and improved 2000 CHARACTER submission. Also, I think other babylost mamas should write to her as well. There is strength in numbers and I think if enough of us write to her she would definitely consider us for a story on her show. :)

Let me know what you guys think...

The last few days...

The last few days have pretty much been hell for me. I felt like my relationship was going down the drain, I feel alone, and just fuckin depressed all the time. I'm SO tired of being "depressed" (self diagnosed). When is this all going to end? ...I really wish I knew. At least the storm has calmed some though. My boyfriend and I are trying to work things out. It has been SO hard. Not only do I have to deal with my daughter dying, but it's also affected my relationships with other people. I hate it. Like I've said before, I feel like such an outcast. Everyone says "No one ever told me it was a possibility that my baby could die", well they also didn't tell you that when they did die you're life would pretty much be fucked for a while (excuse my language). I just still can't believe I'm in this "dream". Like when did things go this wrong? I just don't understand why "everything happens for a reason". I used to love that quote because I felt that it was SO true. Now? I.HATE.IT. I don't want to hear that quote ever again.

BUT I have said it a MILLION times before and you'll probably get tired of hearing me say it, I am SO grateful for my friends from BBC. I love them all SO much and I'm partial to a few of them in particular. I feel like I've known them my whole life. It's crazy how such a tragedy can bring people so close. Even people you've never "met" in real life but have come to know through the wonders of technology. It's amazing. I wrote Leila a letter the other day and left it at her grave. I told her about all of the Angel Mamas I met and how much I love them SO much. I told her to tell the babies I say hello and that I'm SO proud of their Mommies and they should be too. You all are such beautiful women (inside and out) and I'm so happy to have "met" you.

My boyfriend is trying to buy me a ticket to Anaheim, Cali. My best friend recently moved there a couple days after my daughter died. :( He was there for me through EVERYTHING. He was at the hospital with me. He stayed in the NICU with me. He ate dinners at the cafeteria with my whole family. Easter time came around and he colored eggs with my brother and sisters while we were in the hospital. I mean...I just have SO much to thank him for. I guess me visiting him is a win/win. People think I need to get away (even I do sometimes) and Jordan (my best friend) really wants me to visit him. So I'm pretty excited. I really want to see him so hopefully I will end up going like planned. Also, another Angel Mama I've been talking to is from there so hopefully we can meet up! That would be SO nice to finally meet someone I've been sharing everything with.

I'm planning on designing Leila's headstone this week. I really want something to be there soon. I know there's no rush but my baby deserves something more than a gold plaque with her name on it put together with letters that look like they came from a game of Scrabble. I went to see her on Sunday while my sister was here so she could also visit. She wasn't able to be here when everything happened, so it was good that she came to see her. She cried when she got there so I wanted to cry too, but I don't cry when I'm at her grave for some reason. Maybe it's because I feel close to her and I'm actually "happy" about that? I'm not sure. I took pictures but UGH I get so pissed that they don't mow the lawn often enough. The grass is so damn tall it's starting to look like a damn corn field (ok, not that tall). I just want to do them a favor and mow it my damn self. I guess they only do it at certain times. I don't know if it's once a month like how they pick up dead flowers from the graves, but I hope to God not.

Yesterday something came in the mail for me. It came to my mom's house so she wrapped it and made me open it, even though I knew what it was. I had been waiting for this for a long time. It was my heart necklace with my daughter's footprints engraved on it and her name and birthdate on the back. I absolutely LOVE it! It came out SO nice and her feet are just perfect. I would recommend myforeverchild.com to anyone. It can turn out to be a little pricey but it was SO worth it. My mom ordered me the necklace and my boyfriend ordered me a charm bracelet just yesterday. I can't wait til that gets here either. Then I can take off the hospital bracelet I've been wearing ever since Leila came into this world. It was the bracelet I would have used all this time if she were still in the NICU. It was my "label" for the nurses to know that Leila and I were mother and daughter. I just can't get myself to take it off. I feel like it's my last connection to her. It's gotten so messed up from taking so many showers and getting water in it that I can't even see the writing anymore. I don't care though. I still can't take it off. I got the charm bracelet so I can finally take this one off and keep it safe in her memory box.

Besides the necklace coming in the mail yesterday (which by the way made me day get SO much better) my day was pretty good actually. Finally I felt a tiny bit "normal". My boyfriend had the day off from work so after I dropped my sister off at the airport, we went out for a walk. It was such a beautiful day I just felt like I needed to get out and get some fresh air. We walked and got Jamba Juice since it was so hot, then we walked to an outdoor shopping center and had lunch there. We talked about Leila and the plans we had for our future. I pictured us walking together outside. My boyfriend and I holding hands while I carried Leila in my "Sleepy Wrap". I was SO excited to get that damn sleepy wrap. I planned on "wearing" my daughter everywhere in that thing. I decided to keep it...I don't know why since I don't have any use for it now, but maybe sometime in the future.

Now my future looks a little different. Actually a LOT different. My first born daughter won't be here with us ever again. Instead she's in heaven playing with all of her butterfly friends. I know I will have more children in the future I'm just not sure when. But whenever that is (which I hope sooner than later) I plan on telling him or her ALL about their big sister. How loving, beautiful, and charismatic she was. Those 18 days with her were the most precious to me and I don't regret any big decision I made during that time to keep her for a little while longer. Actually it wasn't even my decision to make. I didn't make it, I just stopped the doctor from making a decision that had nothing to do with us. It was God's choice. He needed her up there the day she was born but gave us some time to spend with her in the meantime. Whether those machines were hooked up or not they obviously weren't keeping her alive. She left on her own without us even having to say "unplug it". That's what I ultimately wanted for her (to leave on her own time that is). That's all I have and I will cherish that time we spent together forever.

Leila boo,

Mommy misses you more and more each day. I received the necklace I've been wanting in the mail yesterday. That saying "you left your footprints on my heart" is now real for me. You left them and I now have them! :) I'm so happy to have a piece of you with me at all times. I can't wait for people to ask me about my necklace. That will give me the opportunity to tell EVERYONE about you since I love talking about you so much. Although it wasn't the ending that I had hoped for I am SO happy to know that you are in a place we can only dream of going someday. You got to go there before any of us and that tells me that you are extra special! I knew it all along though. And even though there are many days that I wish you back in my arms, I know that it won't happen. No shooting star, four leaf clover, birthday candle or wishing well will ever bring you back to me, but I am forever grateful for the time that we were given with each other. I know that some days I will break down because you're not with me but also remember that you are with me. There's no denying the signs that you give me. I see them and I know it's you. I love that about you...you always know how to make your Mama smile! Thank you sweetie for the love that you showed me...that you continue to show me daily. I love you with all my heart and can't wait to see you again some day.

P.S. I am ready for my rainbow whenever you are ready to send me one down

Love always,
Mommy

Another bad day...

Today is another bad day...but what's new?

I just got home from a day of shopping with the family...shopping is supposed to be fun. It used to be at least. Now it seems like everything is a trigger for me. We were in Kohls and the baby clothes were just calling my name. I knew it wouldn't be good but I had to go and look at what could have been. I don't know why I did. I just looked around and felt like shit even more. I wanted to sit down in the middle of that section and cry. I didn't care if anyone saw me I just wanted to do it. But I didn't. I went over to my mom and she looked at me and immediately knew something was wrong. She asked me, "what's wrong?" Then the flood came. The flood of tears. I told her I was having a bad day and she gave me a hug and told me she thought I was having a good day. She doesn't know that every day is a bad day for me now. I have to fake a smile and fake being happy when I'm around my family. I don't want to always look depressed and cry in front of them. I don't want to take the attention away from the kids (my brother and sisters). I already did that once when Leila and I were in the hospital. They came to the hospital every single day. The kids were starting to feel like they got no time with their parents. That's how it was and I felt terrible. They cried because my mom would spend nights with me in the hospital. If I show my real feelings in front of my mom I'll be taking away all the attention from the kids again. I don't want to do that.

I feel like I need to get out and do something but I don't want to go out with friends and act like I'm having a good time when I know I'm not. I just want to spend time with someone who understands what I'm going through. Someone who can cry with me and tell me they know how I feel. But I just feel alone. I don't want to go back to work, but I'm tired of staying home and feeling like an outcast. I'm tired of complaining all the time too...jeez. I feel like I complain too much. God, what else can I talk about?...I feel like I have nothing else to talk about but how shitty I feel each day. When will this end?

Leila,

Mommy is missing you ALOT today...but that's nothing new! I wish you were out with us today shopping. I saw so many cute things I would have bought for you. I saw the little elephant with the blanket attached to it that you have. Well it's in our apartment somewhere. I'll find it and bring it to your grave to keep you cozy. Hopefully it will give you comfort like your blankie gives me comfort at night. I don't sleep without it. Daddy smiles every times he sees me getting your blanket ready to sleep in bed with me. I wish you were wrapped up in that blankie like you were when I took you home that night. I kept you close to me and thought maybe a miracle would happen and you'd wake me up in the middle of the night with your crying. But you weren't even breathing.

I'm sorry honey...it seems like Mommy's being so negative right now but I don't mean to be. I just miss you SO much. I hope you're having fun up there but I also hope you'll pay your Mommy a visit soon. I miss you sweetie and I love you.

Love,
Mommy

He just doesn't understand...

Sometimes I just don't understand what people are thinking. Why would you tell a mother that she talks about her son a lot? Like she shouldn't be doing that...after she lost her son you think she shouldn't be talking about him because it'll make her feel better if she just pretends it didn't happen? Is that what you're saying? :( These things that people say just hurt me. They don't know how we feel so how can they even speak on it. You can't tell someone how to grieve. That's what I was trying to explain to my own boyfriend last night...

Yesterday was a bad day for me...I guess it seems like all the days are becoming bad for me. I swear I thought I was OK and recently it's just hit me that I'm not. Me and my boyfriend got into a huge fight last night. I usually don't talk about our personal life but this time I feel like I have to. I guess I've been a bitch to him lately and yea I can see that. He was pissing me off and I just lost it. I cussed him out and at that point I just wished he would leave. I was SO angry I wanted to hit something. I've never felt that way towards him but I don't know why I was this time. Anyways he asked me if I was on my computer all day. I said "yea, why? what's the problem?" He said I'm ALWAYS on the computer and he would think that after he works all day he would come home and I'd miss him and I'd just want to spend time with him. Well that doesn't seem to be the case recently. Then he asked me WHO do I talk to all the time when I'm on here. Then he started mocking me and said that I talk to imaginary people that I don't know and they make me feel better, but HE can't make me feel better. The imaginary people wasn't the true part but the other part was. I feel like he can't make me feel better. No matter how hard he tries nothing he does will help me. I told him that he didn't understand what I was going through and that he would NEVER understand. First of all he's a man so we already don't grieve the same way and secondly he didn't hold our daughter for those 5 months that she was in there. He didn't feel the first time she kicked...everytime she kicked. He doesn't have that special bond that me and Leila has. Yes, he is her father and yes of course he misses her and he has his own bond with her but it most definitely is not the same. That's how I feel anyways. I just couldn't stop crying. I felt pitiful. He asked me, "well how come you don't talk to your mom?"

"IT'S NOT THE SAME...YES she is a mother but she didn't lose a child! :( She has all of hers with her safe and sound. It's different! What don't you understand about that?!"

I talk to these "imaginary" people because they understand. No, they weren't in my exact situation but they are mothers who have lost their child/ren and they know how I feel. He told me that he just wants to be able to comfort me and he never knows how I feel because when he asks me if I had a good day I just say it was OK. I never tell him how terrible it was because I miss Leila so much. I never cry to him. I'm always on my computer...but if that's what helps me cope then he understands that and he just wants me to tell him that. UGH why should I have to tell him? Shouldn't he know? I guess that's what all of us women expect from our SO but it just doesn't work that way. I know that I have to talk to him and tell him how I feel. I just don't like bringing him down with me is all.

He told me that he wanted me to know how he felt. He told me that even though he doesn't have the mother-daughter bond that we have, he still went through some things too. After she passed away he washed her body and wrapped her up in her blanket. I left because I couldn't watch. I couldn't see what had killed her. That damn (NEC). Her stomach was swollen, hard and purple. I couldn't bear to see what she had been through. I didn't have the guts to wash her. My boyfriend did. His daughter was the first "dead" person he's seen. I hate using that word dead, but it is what it is. He loved her too, he still loves her and misses her very much. I should understand that. But I haven't thought about him. I can't think of him when I myself am not OK. I think I need to talk to someone one on one. Maybe I can get some things out that I haven't really dealt with yet. I just feel like I have so much anger built up inside. Maybe against my boyfriend? Because I feel that he doesn't feel the way that I do about Leila? I don't know. I just want to feel better. I feel like shit.

I just wanted to tell him that I want her back. That's all. Why can't someone just give her back to me so that I can be the mother I was supposed to be to her?? Not an Angel Mama who can't do anything for their child! I just miss her SO much. When I was pregnant I finally felt like I had a purpose in life and I was happy about that. Now that purpose is gone and I just feel useless. Useless to my daughter, my family, my boyfriend...the world. I just wish I knew what my purpose was here on this earth. I feel like I'm not doing anything to help anyone or change the world for the better or anything...

Leila honey,

I love you more than anything or anyone in this life I would have ever dreamed of loving. I just can't imagine my life without you even though I already know how it feels to be without you but I mean...if you were never born I couldn't imagine it. I still feel like I'm in a dream. I had just began to feel like it was real when I felt you kick for the first time. Then you were gone so soon after.

I'm sorry me and Daddy were fighting last night. I know your Daddy means well, Mommy just doesn't know how to cope without you. I miss you SO much and I feel like no one will ever understand what I feel for you. I wish you were here right now so I could just hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. I would never let you go. I just want you to know that I'm always thinking of you. Every second of everyday I'm thinking about you. You have such a huge impact on everything I want to do now. I want to do something good in your name, I'm just not sure what yet. I guess I'm asking for some guidance from you. I just need you to show me what I should be doing...

I love you my little angel.
Mommy misses you

Same dream and other things...

I keep having the same dream but in different settings. Last night I woke up crying because I dreamt I was just explaining to people that my daughter is in heaven but that doesn't mean I'm not a mommy. I think this is my biggest fear...that people will discredit me as a mother. I hate feeling like I have to defend myself and my daughter to everyone. I shouldn't have to. Only other babyloss mamas get this and a few select people in my family. Others...I just don't know where their head is.

Sometimes I feel like I'm mourning alone and then I go on BBC and see that there are so many other women like me (unfortunately). I wish we never knew this pain but it seems like more women everyday are joining our group and I feel so bad that it's growing. :( I do believe that we will be able to get through this together though. I was just thinking what would I do if there was no BBC? I would go crazy! I know that much. I don't know if I've already said this (I probably have) but the ladies on BBC have been my saving grace! I really don't know where I'd be right now without them. I go to grief counseling but it's only once a month. In between meetings I had nothing helping me until I joined the loss group and I just can't say enough good things about it. Thank you ladies! Our angel babies are watching over us!

DAMNIT...Sorry, in the middle of writing this I just got SO angry. STUPID FACEBOOK allowing me to stalk people ends up pissing me off in the end! lol One of my "friends" said she was coming to visit me in the hospital (for the first time)..the day my daughter died. (Thanks for thinking of me after your partying all weekend but my daughter died and I'm on my way to bury her) She cried and told me she was SO sorry she wasn't there for me (Yea Yea OK now leave me alone). Then she heard about my March for Babies walk and wanted to be there to support me. She said she was scheduled to work but she would call in sick and be there for me. She said, "I PROMISE". I agreed and was happy to know that she was finally going to step it up as my "best" friend. March for Babies comes and I'm there meeting up with a friend who I haven't talked to in a LONG time. (My fault) But she showed up to show me support. (WOW, that is a REAL friend! I haven't talked to you in SO long and you are still there for me?...now THAT'S loyalty!) Anyways my "friend" does NOT show up, doesn't call, doesn't text, email, and anything else you can think of. WHAT A FRIEND! Well now I'm on facebook and I see her talking and "LOL" to her friends and talking about the club they went to last weekend. WOW and AAAALL of my posts about my daughter show up on her news feed and still I get NO response from her. Sometimes I just get SO worked up when I shouldn't. I shouldn't even be wasting my time on this girl that calls me a friend...FRIEND MY ASS. She isn't worth my time and I WISH I could say it doesn't bother me but it obviously does. I can't believe her!

On another note, while I was on facebook my co-worker/friend messaged me and said he was so sorry about my daughter. I explained to him how I felt when he asked. He told me that him and another co-worker/friend of mine were going to come see me and Leila in the hospital but they were too much of cowards to face me. They didn't want to see me cry. Now I HAVE To respect someone who can admit this (Thank you! Finally!). I can appreciate honesty and sincerity. I am happy that he told me this. At least I know that people are thinking of me and if they don't know what to say or don't want to see me cry then just tell me that! I know it's hard for you but JEEZ how do you think I feel now that my daughter's gone? So anyways, thank you Rahul that was thoughtful of you to admit and greatly appreciated.

When I go back to work I plan on taking a picture of my daughter to sit on my desk. That way EVERYONE will remember she is my daughter...and don't you ever forget that honey!!

Leila,

Mommy's trying not to cry today but it's hard. I'm trying to have the same strength you showed me in the NICU, but it came so naturally for you. I have to learn to be as strong as you and I hope that you'll teach me while I put together the pieces of my heart again. You were on my mind ALL day...well you're still on my mind. I just pictured me holding you for the first time and how happy I was :) I have that picture of you, me and Daddy up on my facebook and a friend told me how happy and proud we look. Well we are! We're SO proud to be your mommy and daddy. No words could describe the love I have for you baby girl. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will tell EVERYONE about you. How perfect you were when you were born, you were the cutest little baby if I ever saw one! You had SO much hair, I wonder how much you would have had if you went full term! I know your hair would end up being curly like Daddy's...

Yesterday I heard your name being called and I couldn't help but look. You weren't there though, it was another mommy and daddy talking about their daughter Leila...but MY Leila is an angel in heaven. Your Tutu told me I was meant to hear your name. It was a sign to remind me that you're all around me, all around us...all the time. I believe her.

I love you sweetie!
Mommy misses you <3

"Happy" Mother's Day

Last night I think I just about had it. I was having another breakdown and this is what I posted on BBC...

'I'm sitting here crying my eyes out right now. I just got home from Target. I went there to get my mom a Mother's day card. Bad idea :( I can't stop crying...there was a whole section that said "First time mommy" I had to walk away.
I was in line with a pregnant lady in front of me. She was talking to the cashier about being due in 3 weeks. The lady asked her if it was her first and she said no she has a 3 year old at home. The cashier said Happy Mother's Day. Then I went up...and nothing. No one knows and I just can't stop crying. It's not fair. Every other mom will be having breakfast or whatever with their kids and I will be visiting mine at the cemetery. What a great mother's day...NOT! I hate this holiday and every other one. I just don't want to be here right now. I want to sleep forever. At least skip tomorrow. I hate this :(
I thought I was stronger but I just can't handle this :/ My heart broke when my daughter died and now I can't put the pieces together again. I miss her SO much.
I'm sorry I just don't have any one else to talk to. No one else understands. I talk to my sister, my best friend, even my SO and no one feels like I do so they can't help me...'

Today was...UGH I don't know. My mom, stepdad, the siblings and I went to the cemetery for the first time since the funeral. It was hard :( I wanted to sit with Leila all day. I still haven't picked out her headstone yet and I felt so bad going there today. She has this ugly gold plate with her name on it :/ I want to pick something special for her but haven't found the perfect thing for her just yet. I want to pick something soon because I feel so bad...like I've neglected her.

Don't worry honey I haven't forgotten about you!

Leila,
Today is Mother’s Day and I’m missing you immensely. I came to see you today for the first time since the funeral. I just want to tell you how proud I am of you. You are such a big girl for putting up the fight that you did. They said you would never make it and you proved them wrong. You fought for 18 whole days baby girl. They were all surprised by your strength, but I wasn’t. Like your Tutu said, we come from a long line of strong beautiful women.
Before you were born I had my own dream of what our life would look like together. I pictured Uncle Jordan and I taking you on long walks in the park, Daddy and I pretending to be Santa before you open your presents on Christmas morning, Tutu, Auntie Nani, Kailina and I taking you for a girl’s night out, Grampie Scott chasing you and Kailina around the house while you two run from the “monster” and scream at the top of your lungs, Uncle Makoa making you laugh with the silly things he says…Now that dream has changed and I have an angel watching over me.
It hurt to watch you go but I knew that God would be taking care of you now. You learned your lessons here on earth before you even came home with me. Now that’s what I call a smart girl! Although we won’t be able to do all the things mother and daughter do together, I know that I will someday see you again and we will be doing a LOT of catching up as Angel Mommy and Angel Baby. I’m not sure what angels do up there but whatever it is I’m sure you’ll teach me. I only hope that you remember your mommy’s face. You are my world and you will always be my first baby girl.

Mommy loves you Leila
Honi Honi

My dream (May 8, 2010)

Last night I had a dream. I had a dream Mustafa and I had moved into a new apt. with Leila. She was a much bigger girl at this time, probably around 2 years old. We were getting ready for bed and I was turning off all lights and asked her if she wanted to sleep with mommy and daddy or in her own room. She said she wanted to sleep with mommy and daddy. So I took her to the room where Mustafa was already sleeping and I put her in the middle of us and kissed her goodnight. She told me "I love you mama." I remember thinking in the dream that this was the first time she said I love you to me and that I was going to write that date down in my journal. It was the best feeling in the world. I remember telling her back "I love you mamas". She said in her cute little voice "I'm not mama." I laughed. I remember feeling like finally our family was complete. I wish I had never woken up. As soon as we fell asleep in my dream, I woke up in real life.

I hope that was really her coming to me in my dreams to tell me that she loved me. I kept asking her to before she left us and even after...I think she finally did. I also wished that she'd be laying next to me and she was. :D She made my day today! Although now it will be a bittersweet day for me. I'm SO happy I heard "I love you mama" from her, but now I'll be sad that I won't be able to hear it while I'm awake. Why is nothing ever good enough for me? I just want to be happy that I got to see her.

Leila,
Today you made my day. I finally got to see you in my dreams. You told me "I love you mama" for the first time and it was the BEST feeling in the world. I love you with all my heart and wish that you could physically be here with us, but I know there are bigger plans for you. I hope you're able to come to me more often now, but if not, I will still cherish this forever. Today is supposed to be a sunny day today so I hope that I get out and get some sun. Maybe I'll see a butterfly or two? I miss you my baby.
My love for you is infinite.
Honi Honi

I WANT HER BACK!

I just want my daughter back. :'( I'm tired of seeing things on TV about babies and pregnancies. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women anytime I go outside the house. I can't lie, it hurt me to hear that my cousin is having a baby today. He's 18 and his girlfriend is pregnant. Although I wish them a healthy baby I just wished that for myself as well and I can't help but feel like shit because I'm the only person I know who doesn't have that after being pregnant. I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. I knew I was meant to be a mommy ever since my mom had my little sister when I was 10. I knew I wanted a big family. I loved Leila before she was even conceived. I loved her when I found out she was growing inside of me. No one was happy with it but I was ecstatic. I knew I would be the best mommy I could be. I was willing to give up anything for her. I would have given my life for her. I just want her back! Am I asking too much? :( I knew today would be hard when I woke but I'm not sure why...it's just one of those days. I want to ball up in a small corner and cry myself to sleep. I don't want to wake up.

Leila,

When mommy woke up today I knew it would be a hard day for me. Mother's day is coming up and it makes me SO sad that you aren't here. I miss you SO much honey. I went to the park today with your Tutu, Grampie and Aunts and Uncle. I was swinging on the swings alone and I looked up at the clouds wondering if you were up there. Do you sit on the clouds and watch me from above? I watched the birds play in the grass and I wondered if that's what you did up in the clouds with all your angel baby friends. I hope you're having fun up there. I don't want you to worry about me but I have to admit I worry about you. I know that you were able to go to a place where we wait our whole lives to be. You were actually the lucky one, but it's just hard for me to accept it. I guess I'm being selfish to want you here with me so bad, but I just can't help it. I want you to sleep next to me at night. I would wake up 23094705294 times to feed you, change your diapers, hold you, sing to you, and anything else you'd need or want. I wouldn't complain about anything. All I want is for you to be with me again. :( I'm sorry mommy couldn't do anything to keep you here. I wish I could have kept you in my belly longer but I guess you just couldn't wait to see the world before you left. Your world was the NICU but you got to meet so many people who loved you while you were in there. We all miss you SO much. I hope that you come to me in my dreams my angel.

Honi Honi
Love Mommy

4 week since we said goodbye

I was looking at a picture of my boyfriend and his friends that was taken 2 days ago. There was a spot on Mustafa only...none of his friends. It looked like a spot of light...an orb I guess you could call it. I like to think that it was Leila. She was with her daddy that night. Although it's a spot it makes me feel good thinking it's her. Maybe it's not her but maybe it is. For those of you who don't believe in life after death then it's just a spot. But for those of you who do believe you know anything is possible. I know she is with us no matter what. But that "spot" kind of made my day.

I'm listening to Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry"...CRYING. He's telling me don't cry because everything's gonna be alright. Well thank you Bob Marley for the reassurance. I hope everything WILL be alright.

Dear Leila,

Today makes it 4 weeks since we said goodbye. I remember it like it was yesterday. I held you in my arms as you took your last breaths and opened your eyes for mommy for the last time. You were so adorable I wanted to hold you in my arms forever. I hope you remember what I look like so when I get to the gates you will meet me there. I miss you more than anything in the world baby girl. I hope you will visit me in my dreams soon.

Mommy loves you

The last of it...

Yup baby girl that was the last of it. I gave them the last bit of milk I had stored away. Initially it was for you but when you decided you didn't need it, you told me to give it to other babies that really needed it. So I did. Your Tutu and I met Kimberly in person for the first time today. She was the one who kept telling your Tutu how excited she was to be able to receive this milk. I walked in with a huge cooler of your milk, ready to donate it to the Mother's Milk Bank in Denver. All they had to do was get one quick poke from Mommy's arm to make sure I checked out and then off it goes. Kimberly was SUPER excited and told me how strong I was for giving birth to you first of all and then to lose you and still be able to help other babies out while grieving for my loss. But she doesn't know how tiring it's been. I'm so tired. Sometimes I just feel like sleeping away the day. I sometimes think maybe I can just sleep away this pain. Maybe I'd wake up from this nightmare and you'd be laying beside me in the bed. That would be the greatest moment of my life...but I know it won't happen. I'm not sleeping and this is all real. You're not here with us.

It was a bittersweet moment for me, donating your milk. Kimberly was SO happy to see that I even had colostrum which is even better for the babies than the milk. She said I'm saving so many babies lives. That made me cry. I guess I was crying because I was happy she was SO appreciative and then I was crying because she told me I was saving so many other babies lives...then I thought 'but I couldn't save my own'. It makes me sad knowing I couldn't have done anything more to save you. I'm your Mommy and I thought us mommies were always supposed to be able to save our children. Not this time though. Your milk was the last thing I had to give to you and it makes me sad that there's no more sitting in my freezer. It's all gone off to save other lives. I'm trying to think of only the good things. YOU are saving those babies Leila. YOU got my body to produce all that milk and YOU left it up to me to give it to babies who needed it. You did this for them and I did it for you. This was the last thing I could think of that I could do for you baby girl. You really went out with a bang! Kimberly will always remember the great things you did in your short time here on earth and I'm SO proud of you.

Daddy told me today that he crushed his goal at work today. He told me he was so motivated when he left the house this morning. He was thinking about you, me and our family and he didn't want to let you down. He said "your daddy aint a quitter!" lol He's also SO proud to be your daddy. I love that he loves you so much. If you were here I'm sure you'd be a mommy AND a daddy's girl :) I told daddy before you arrived that he was going to be wrapped around your finger. He is :) and mommy's always right!

Mommy just found out you're going to have a little cousin soon. Not sure who it is exactly but all I heard was that your Auntie Tina is going to be a great great grandma. Mommy wants you to watch over your cousin and get him or her here safe and healthy, OK honey? Thank you baby! I know you'll do everything in your power to watch over your little cousin.

I love you mamas and I'm SO proud to be your Mommy.