Part 2 of Mental Breakdown

UGH I just had to add onto my day. I got a call from my boyfriend earlier. He was telling me about his bad day. When Leila was born we thought her stay in the NICU would be long, so we planned to move to a nearby city to be closer to my parents and the hospital. Well obviously that didn't work out as planned, but we went through with the move to be closer to my parents anyway (to help me mostly). When everything was happening to Leila my boyfriend (Mustafa is his name) requested to be transferred to a store (he works at Sleep country) closer to the hospital. Well, they kept putting it off like they had to make a dire decision for the company. All he wanted was to frickin be transferred in order to be closer to his daughter! Now she's gone and they STILL aren't thoughtful of our situation. His district manager comes in and writes him up for not wearing his name tag...are you serious?! The name tag?! Whatever. So then the manager asks him if he needs anything to just ask because he understands what he's going through. Really? Do you really understand what it feels like to lose your child? NO he doesn't because he hasn't lost a child! So how can he tell my boyfriend that he understands?! He has no right and that just made me cry. I cried for my Leila being gone, I cried because no one knows how we feel and I feel bad for my boyfriend that he has to put up with their bullshit and I cried because I can't believe how inconsiderate these bastards are! I really want him to find another job...but that's up to him.

On a more positive note...

My mom has been handling all my "business" for me since I wasn't up to doing pretty much anything during that time...and still not. So we both agreed that I would donate my breast milk. If my baby has no use for it anymore I might as well make something good come out of it. So the lady coordinating everything between the NICU Leila was in and the Mother's Milk Bank in Denver called my mom to let her know she had contacted the NICU where my milk was stored. My mom wasn't sure if I had colostrum stored but we thought it was only milk...apparently not. The lady (Kim) said there WAS colostrum stored and that stuff is like gold! She said they had 3 flats of my milk stored. That doesn't include what I have stored in my own freezer at home. I'm not exactly sure how much 3 flats is but she said it was TONS and she was really excited about it. She sincerely told my mom that although the situation isn't a desirable one (not her words exactly) she should let me know that this is SUCH a great thing. I cried, they were tears of joy though. I felt proud of my body's ability to create something beautiful out of a tragic situation. Now I wish I would have pumped a little longer. Anyways that's my update on today.

Leila,

Mommy misses you SO much today...as always, but today was a hard day for me. I thought of you and couldn't stop crying. Even though I cried because I was sad I felt like you let me release all those built up feelings I didn't get to release after you received your angel wings. Everything happened so quickly, but I'm forever grateful for the time God allowed us to spend with you. Mommy is giving her milk away to help other babies. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be able to do that so thank you baby girl! You made it possible. I'm sure you already know this but Mommy kisses your picture every night before I go to bed. It helps me sleep. I hope sometime soon you'll come to me in my dreams just so I can sleep at night knowing that you're happy where you're at. I would love that! Until then I can't wait to see you again honey. I love you Leila!