I'm ashamed to say...

Very few people know the true meaning of family anymore. I'm over everyone at this point. I haven't learned my lesson yet and I probably never will. I expect too much from people apparently. My auntie died this morning (my stepdad's sister). She may not be related by blood but she is my family. My parents and I are trying to find a way to get everyone to North Carolina (from Oregon) this weekend for the funeral and just to be there for our family.Period. The few people I've told (who are close to me) have told me that my stepdad should be the only one to go since it's his sister...and "wow that's going to be expensive". Is this what people truly think is important? If it were to happen to their family by blood or marriage, would they just think of how inconvenient it would make their own lives? Is the immediate family affected by this loss not important? My Grammie & Grampie (stepdad's parents) have just lost their oldest child...do they not think that we should be there for them?! How fucking inconsiderate can people be? WHY do they have no compassion? No.fucking.empathy.whatsoever. I can't express enough how ashamed I am of such selfish people. I would spend my last dime (and will) to get my family out to N. Carolina whether I can be there or not. I would drop any responsibilities I have to my job or school to be there for my family. Maybe that's just how I was raised though. Maybe that's not the norm for other people...but shouldn't it be? I don't know. Who cares...all I know is this makes me angry.

Leila,

Baby, please send my love to Auntie Mindy. Knowing death is a possibility doesn't make it any easier to lose the ones you love. If I had been able to raise you, I would teach you that family is everything to us and family does not mean you have to be blood related. Grammie & Grampie have just lost their first baby like I lost you. I will never understand why some children die before their parents. I wish it wasn't so. I wish I never felt this pain and I wish my grandparents never felt this pain. It's not fair. I miss you.

Mommy loves you

:'(

FUCK ME! My cousin who is pregnant is having a girl. I didn't think it would be such a big deal. No I did...that's the whole reason I blocked her from facebook. I can't handle this. I want to curl up in a ball and die. It's just not fair why some people can keep their babies and others can't. WHY couldn't I keep my baby?! Why do I have to live through this? Why couldn't He take me instead?!! I would much rather have her live and I die. UGHHHHHH!!!!! I wish my Tutu were here. She is the only BLM in my family who I would ever be able to talk to...but even she's with her baby now. It's not fair! I have nothing more. These pages will be filled with curse words if I keep going. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now. I can't handle this...