I feel you in my dreams

I had a dream last night. I was walking to school with an urn, I'm not sure whose, but I thought it was my daughter's (even though she is buried). Then I was walking with a baby girl in my arms. At first I wasn't sure whose it was because I couldn't remember being pregnant a second time, but she felt like mine. I squeezed her tight and cried so hard. I was talking to an older couple with this baby in my arms when something huge had just flown by. I didn't get a chance to see what it was when something else landed on my nose. It was a big beautiful butterfly. Then I looked over and realized the other flying thing was a beautiful dragonfly. It was in one place, only a few feet away..like it was just looking at me. I cried so hard and laughed at the same time. I told the couple, "it's my daughter, I can't believe it." She sent the butterfly and dragonfly to say hello and let me know that everything would be alright. I can't describe the joy I felt in that moment...and once again she reassured me that she is always by my side. Some might think it was just a dream, but I know it was more than that. I've been waiting to feel her again and finally my dream came true. 

Leila baby, 

Mommy has been waiting to feel your presence again. I know you're always with me, but it feels good to get a little reassurance every once in a while. Thank you for coming to me in my dream. As always, it's a priceless moment I will never forget. I miss you so much. Your Daddy and I have been reminiscing a lot about the good old days when his Cookie Monster was still here. It's almost Halloween again and we wish we were taking you trick-or-treating. I hope you're having fun up there with all your baby friends. I love you so much! 

Love always,
Mommy

Miss you

I can't believe I haven't been here since your birthday. I've been meaning to write to you so many times, but I never take the time to do so. I've been missing you SO much lately. Well that has never changed...but still. Your daddy and I have been talking about you and thinking about what you would look like by now. It's always been something I'd wondered about. Anytime I see a little girl (toddler) I think of you and how you would be talking and holding my hand skipping as we walked in the grocery store. It's so weird to imagine how different life would be with a toddler now. I wish I knew. I just wanted to say hello to my little princess and let you know that I miss you SO much. I love you. You'll always be my little girl...

Love,
Mommy

Happy 2nd Birthday Leila!

I had been preparing for this day for a while now...I guess you could say as soon as her 1st birthday was over I was thinking about the next year already. I knew it would come fast, I just didn't expect time to fly this fast. I had planned to go to the cemetery with Mustafa and his family yesterday. It was a nice trip and I'm glad we did it together. Last night though, I was a mess...it came all of a sudden when I didn't really expect it. I'm usually OK around this time...February is the month that's hardest for me for some reason...I guess the anticipation of this day hurts the most. This year though was pretty hard all around. Last night I fought the tears for the most part...until morning came. This morning I couldn't believe she turned 2. I decided that I would make cupcakes and get a sandwich platter and take them to the NICU. Yesterday I called the NICU that Leila was in to make sure it would be OK for me to come and bring food. A woman named Grace answered the phone and sounded like the sweetest, most appreciative person I know. Mustafa and I took the elevator up to the West NICU where the level III NICU was. Apparently they had moved and we were told to go down one floor. Grace greeted us at the door with a smile and plenty of thanks. We talked over the phone about Leila and her turning 2...but I hadn't told her she wouldn't be joining us today. She told the other nurses about Leila and how we were so sweet to bring stuff for her birthday and that she turned 2 today. Then she asked where she was. I told her she passed away and she gave me a big hug. They were even more thankful we were there. That made me feel good. Grace was nice enough to walk us around both NICUs and showed us the changes the hospital was making. They're remodeling the West NICU where Leila stayed, so there currently were no beds or babies in there. She took us in anyways and walking through the door I immediately looked to the corner where Leila's isolette was. It was like I was back there 2 years ago. Even though I never wanted us to be there, I was glad to be back. It's always felt like a second home even though we were only there 18 days. It was where I spent all my time with Leila and where Leila spent her whole life. She walked us around the current West NICU where all the babies were. I glanced in each room at the tiny little babies and their families visiting. I looked over at a mom with a tiny little bottle feeding her micro-preemie. I immediately broke down. Grace looked over at me and took me in her arms. She said she hoped it wasn't a bad cry...but it was a mixture of both. I was so happy that they were making such positive changes in the NICU for the families, but I was sad for us. I wish we got the chance to make it out of there with our baby alive. I wish we were one of the lucky ones. But then I remembered that all the love Leila brought to our lives and all the amazing people I've met because of her...and then I smiled. I was still sad for us, but happy for these other families. One thing I was upset about was that they got rid of the Butterfly Room where we spent private moments with Leila after she died. It was still called the Butterfly Room, but they painted over all the pretty butterflies with plain white paint. I don't know what the point of that was, but all the nurses were upset over it as well. Grace told us we should complain about it...and I will! This time though I want to suggest a purple dragonfly room. :) I hope they will at least consider it. We'll see. Anyways, overall I'm very happy Mustafa and I went to the NICU. Grace told us we were always welcome to visit anytime. I'll take her up on that offer for sure. Even though it's hard, I love being there.

This is the dragonfly Mustafa and I found for Leila yesterday. The wings glow in the dark and I love it! :)

We found a dragonfly balloon at the store we got her flowers at. We had a pretty dragonfly balloon for her 1st birthday too. We always get lucky with those :-)

Oh I forgot to mention...unfortunately Kristin (our fave NICU nurse) wasn't there, but Grace gave her my contact info and talked to her about me coming. She said Kristin remembered us. I always knew she was genuine, but I think it's so sweet that she remembers exactly who Leila is and has so much love for her still...and always will. I hope I can see her again.

Leila baby,

I can't believe you're two years old today! Mommy misses you SO SO much and wishes you were here with us. It was definitely hard to go back to the NICU without you, but being able to walk around there again and talk about you with the nurses felt good. Even though you're not here with us I'm sure you were looking down today and smiling. Today was a very sad day for your mama but also a reminder that you have so many people who love and adore you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I can't wait for the day that I can hold you again and sing Happy Birthday to you in person.

I love you sweetness. Happy 2nd Birthday baby girl!

Love,

Mommy

I'm ashamed to say...

Very few people know the true meaning of family anymore. I'm over everyone at this point. I haven't learned my lesson yet and I probably never will. I expect too much from people apparently. My auntie died this morning (my stepdad's sister). She may not be related by blood but she is my family. My parents and I are trying to find a way to get everyone to North Carolina (from Oregon) this weekend for the funeral and just to be there for our family.Period. The few people I've told (who are close to me) have told me that my stepdad should be the only one to go since it's his sister...and "wow that's going to be expensive". Is this what people truly think is important? If it were to happen to their family by blood or marriage, would they just think of how inconvenient it would make their own lives? Is the immediate family affected by this loss not important? My Grammie & Grampie (stepdad's parents) have just lost their oldest child...do they not think that we should be there for them?! How fucking inconsiderate can people be? WHY do they have no compassion? No.fucking.empathy.whatsoever. I can't express enough how ashamed I am of such selfish people. I would spend my last dime (and will) to get my family out to N. Carolina whether I can be there or not. I would drop any responsibilities I have to my job or school to be there for my family. Maybe that's just how I was raised though. Maybe that's not the norm for other people...but shouldn't it be? I don't know. Who cares...all I know is this makes me angry.

Leila,

Baby, please send my love to Auntie Mindy. Knowing death is a possibility doesn't make it any easier to lose the ones you love. If I had been able to raise you, I would teach you that family is everything to us and family does not mean you have to be blood related. Grammie & Grampie have just lost their first baby like I lost you. I will never understand why some children die before their parents. I wish it wasn't so. I wish I never felt this pain and I wish my grandparents never felt this pain. It's not fair. I miss you.

Mommy loves you

:'(

FUCK ME! My cousin who is pregnant is having a girl. I didn't think it would be such a big deal. No I did...that's the whole reason I blocked her from facebook. I can't handle this. I want to curl up in a ball and die. It's just not fair why some people can keep their babies and others can't. WHY couldn't I keep my baby?! Why do I have to live through this? Why couldn't He take me instead?!! I would much rather have her live and I die. UGHHHHHH!!!!! I wish my Tutu were here. She is the only BLM in my family who I would ever be able to talk to...but even she's with her baby now. It's not fair! I have nothing more. These pages will be filled with curse words if I keep going. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now. I can't handle this...

Please forgive me

I was reading an article that was posted on facebook by another BLM. It was about a photographer that took pictures of babies that have passed for their families. It took me back to the morning you died. They asked (before you died actually) if I wanted to bring in NILMDTS to take pictures for us. I looked over the pamphlet and contemplated for a second. Your daddy told me it was up to me, but I made a quick decision based on what I thought other people would think of it. I didn't know I'd long to stare at your pictures. I didn't notice at the time that I didn't have a picture of me holding you where you could see your face. I've regretted this for the longest. I wish someone would have told me I'd want more of you...that I'd need more of you after you were gone. The nurse also asked if I wanted her to cut a piece of your hair off. Your daddy wanted to, but I said no. All I could think about was how I wanted you in one piece. I didn't want that nurse touching you at all. I already had to leave you in the ground alone...I didn't want to take your hair from you. Now that I think about it I know that it's just hair and that I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I took some to remember you by...but I couldn't bring myself to do it that day. Who can make decisions like that under such a stressful time? We didn't dress you in more than a diaper and a blanket...I should have put you in that little preemie giraffe outfit that I love so much. It's still hanging. Sometimes I lay it against my chest imagining you in it laying on my chest. All of these things break my heart everyday. I miss you. I wish I would have known I'd feel this way when it was happening. I hate myself for it. I just want you back in my arms. I want the chance to do things over. I hope you forgive me. Because I can't forgive myself. I love you my baby.

Love,

Mommy

Rainbow

I'm getting baby fever again. My friends are going on having their first and some even second babies now...and here I am minus one and wanting so badly to have another, but not having the means to do so. It absolutely kills me. It's so easy for other people to say "you're young, just have fun for now" or "it'll happen, you just have to be patient"...ugh! I don't want to be patient. I've been patient for almost two years now. Yes I've wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible after Leila died. I saw doctor after doctor asking questions about future pregnancies and how we would get to that point. I was ready. I am ready. It's just disappointing and heartbreaking to think I have to wait even longer. I want my rainbow already. I LOVE pregnancy and everything that comes with it. I loved the anticipation of seeing that black and white image of my baby on the screen. I loved feeling little kicks inside my belly. I loved giving in to my cravings. I loved shopping for my baby. I loved the anticipation of a natural birth and bringing that baby home. I loved thinking I'd have many sleepless nights which meant alone time to cuddle with my baby. I hate this...and I miss her.

Unreal

I'm not even sure what to write about since my issue this time is something I want to keep private...but I felt the need to write something today. I took a trip to urgent care this morning and ended up spending about 4 hours being examined and getting blood drawn, then running to the pharmacy for meds and back for more testing because this silly woman made a mistake with one of the tubes she filled with my blood. It was a pretty emotionally and physically exhausting day. My fears haven't been 100% confirmed, but I can feel it in my heart that it's exactly what I think it is. I'll find out tomorrow for sure tomorrow though. It just seems as though anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Maybe it's my negative energy that's bringing all of the bullshit my way, but it doesn't seem to get any easier with positivity either. If what I have is what I think it is, it's manageable...but should I even be in this situation? :-/ It makes me SO angry to think things could have been different. I blame myself though. My body hates me. That's what it is. That and my poor choices is what got me in this predicament. I hate myself for it...but it's too late. I can't change it now. It's done. It's just unreal to be honest. I spent the past few weeks in this dark pit because I miss Leila so much it's physically putting my mind and body through hell, but now this has been weighing heavy on my mind yesterday and today. It's just another thing to add to the list of why I hate my life. I have a feeling it will affect my future and trying to have more kids. At this point I'm probably shit outta luck. I don't know anyone that would want to be with me ever...I'm fucked up. My long list of issues would scare any potential husband away. I'm only 22 and I feel like my life is over. I know it might not be realistic, but that's how I feel. Most women I know that have lost a child/children already have husbands and/or other children. I am not comparing one grief to another, but I feel like if I had these I would at least feel like I have something to live for...but this? I feel like I have nothing. The things that were important to me don't feel so important anymore and the things I want in life aren't coming anytime soon if at all...and that part kills me. I wish I knew the secret to being happy again. People keep asking me what I think would help me feel happy again, but that's the thing...I don't know. If I knew I would have obviously done it already. I think time will just have to work it out for me. I'm just an inpatient person, so maybe the first step is trying to be more patient. What a feat for me!...we'll see how this works out.

**added in a little later** Oh I forgot to mention that the CNA that helped me after I delivered Leila (who happens to be M's friend too) messaged me the other day asking if I'd be willing to be interviewed about my suffering after Leila. I agreed. She's in nursing school and is currently taking a Suffering and Death class. I've always been open about how I grieve and I think it would be good for "D" (the CNA) to learn about how we as BLM try to cope everyday and feelings we experience after our losses. I don't know the questions she will ask me just yet, but I plan on being brutally honest. I hope she learns something from it!

1.21.12

I'm sorry I haven't written in my blog for so long. I start a post and then I never finish it. I'll try to get better about posting more frequently, 'cause Lord knows I need it.

Life without my child has a been a hell hole. I'm not going to lie. I've changed so much. It will be two years in just a few months and I still don't feel like I've gone anywhere with this. I don't cry as much as I used to and I'm able to go through stores and actually look at kids and smile...but my grief still remains the same. The difference is I've started seeing someone for it. I actually like talking to her, but so far it hasn't made a difference...will it ever though? I don't think so. I'm not really sure the point of it actually. It makes me feel better for the time being, but then a few days or weeks later...it's back. I can't shake this dark feeling I've been having lately. A couple weeks ago I got a tattoo on my wrist of Leila's name and that night is when I realized I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. I've been acting differently...I don't know how to explain it, but apparently my mom and cousin can see it too. I'm distant. I feel it too...I just don't want to do anything to change it I guess. I just want to be alone. The rest of my life I suppose. That's a lonely and sad life if you ask me, but I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I think I'm depressed..but I'm not sure. I'm able to function on a daily basis...I can get things done. I can even feel happy on certain days, but overall I hate my life. I feel no hope. No motivation to live. Don't get me wrong I would never kill myself, but I do think about if I were to die today...I would be happy. It sounds strange and morbid, but I'm not afraid of death that's for sure. I'd almost prefer it to this feeling of emptiness in life. I feel completely empty. I feel like life and people are pulling me in all different directions until they can't pull anymore. I feel weak and stretched to my limit. I'm tired all the time and just want to sleep my days away. I broke up with M back in July and that has taken a toll on me. I thought many times I would get back together with him, that now is just not the right time...but now I don't even want to be with him. That kills me. I feel like another person has died. Only it was our relationship and the last direct connection to Leila. Last night he and I went to the movies. He held my hand and told me he was happy we had her. Tears came down so fast I couldn't stop them. It took a lot of energy to try and keep my feelings inside but I just wanted to scream. I hate that she died. I absolutely hate it. There's this big lump in my throat that I just can't swallow anytime I hear of a new person pregnant in my circle of friends or family. I'm not happy for them. I hate myself for it. But I hate that I can't have my baby even more. I just wish I could change everything...obviously I can't change what happened, but I can change the way I feel about it right? Maybe I just don't want to. I don't know...I really don't. I don't get pleasure out of the things I used to anymore. Or maybe I find pleasure in things that I never did before and that's the problem. I'm self-destructive. Not because I want to be...I think. None of this is even making any sense. That's why it's all so frustrating to me. Nothing makes sense anymore. WHAT am I supposed to learn from all this? I just need some direction. Turning to God didn't help me. I wish it did. I thought church would help but I know that the institution of church just isn't for me. I'm not religious, just spiritual. I choose to have my own relationship with God outside of churches, priests, bibles, etc...but it hasn't changed the way I feel about my life. I just hate it. On top of that, I'm tired of people telling me what I should do. It's MY life and if I make certain decisions and eventually learn that they were the wrong decisions, DON'T tell me "I told you so". That shit just pisses me off...Anyways I think that's enough complaining for one day. Here are the pictures of my tattoo and Leila's grave I visited last weekend...

I love her stone now just as much as I did the first day I seen it.

Leila,

I wish I could have held you a little longer and took more pictures than I did. I wish I would have known what I know now. It kills me everyday to think I could have had more if I would have known. I could have had more memories if I had written more about you when you were in the NICU. I could have had more pictures to look at now if we had taken more while you were in the NICU. I wish I would've had more support while you were in there. Maybe if I'd had more hope for you in there, you would have lived. I love you so much I can't stand that you're not here with me. I know I'm selfish because you're in the best place you could ever be...but I want to be there with you. I'm jealous that you're with some amazing family members up there and not with me. I'm jealous that I can't be one of those Mommies that watch their babies grow. The most amazing feeling I will never forget is holding you against my chest. I can feel your warmth now and wish you were there again. I miss you more than words could ever express. It's true, I swear. It breaks my heart each day I wake up and you're not there. I miss you SO much. I hope I see you soon. I know it won't be soon enough though.

Mommy loves you!