Rough day

Today I got up at 6 am. I left the house at 8am like always to get to work by 9:30. The whole way there I was teary-eyed ready to cry at any moment. I don't know what started it. Well, maybe...today is Tuesday and that means it's been another week and I should've been 38 weeks today. Only 2 more weeks and I will finally come to the realization that she won't be here...HOPEFULLY. I'm SO tired of believing this is just a horrible nightmare that I will wake up from. Anyways, I got to work by 9:45 (a little late), I walked in and couldn't go to my cubicle. I went straight to the break room to cry my eyes out. The whole time I was seeing myself at Leila's grave crying and screaming about how unfair everything is. I've only been to her grave twice since the funeral. It's too far away for me to go to often because I don't have a car nor do I have friends that are available at any moment of the day to take me. The two times that I have been there I don't really cry too hard. It's when I'm NOT there that I cry. I don't know why. I want to go there all the time now. I've always hated going to the cemetery but now it's where I want to be because MY daughter is there. I hate that, but it is what it is. Well sure enough I left "work" and went home early. First I met up with my friend who heard about my meltdown from facebook and offered to give me a hug. I really needed that hug, so thank god for her. She listens to me when I cry and want to talk about Leila and I am SO grateful for that.

Oh I forgot...yesterday I lost my phone while my boyfriend and I got off the streetcar. I left it there not knowing it until we got to the restaurant. I freaked out when I found that it wasn't in my purse or my hand (where I usually have it). I asked my boyfriend if he knew where it was and he called but we didn't hear it. My mom called his phone not even a minute later telling us that a man found my phone on the streetcar and said he was taking it to the Powell's bookstore information desk. THANK YOU GOD! That phone has some of Leila's pictures that I don't have anywhere else AS WELL AS the only ultrasound video I have of her when I first saw her wiggling around. I don't know WHAT I would have done without my phone! UGH I am SO grateful that man was SUCH a nice person. He could have sold my blackberry and had $400 in his pocket. Thank God there are still nice people in this world. If I was back in Oakland I would have NEVER gotten it back! I guess being in Oregon has some benefits after all! I learned my lesson and am now sending all of my pictures to my computer where they can't get lost. I'm thinking about getting an external hard drive to save everything on there since you can't be too careful. You never know if my computer will die and I'll never be able to get these back.

Anyways back to today...I came home and Mustafa was here because today was his day off. I told him what a horrible day I was having and he gave me a hug and asked me what would cheer me up. He told me what makes him get into that place. That dark place when he thinks about Leila and misses her beyond words. That actually made me feel better because it reassures me that he misses his daughter. Of course I know he misses her but I guess hearing about it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Well after that my day got better. Spending time with him makes me feel much better. I feel like I'm safe with him and he always knows how to cheer me up. He pisses me off beyond words sometimes but he always knows how to make me feel better.

This gets me into another subject (besides my daughter of course). I feel like my relationship has changed...for the better. Mustafa and I have known each other for a long time and have been together for a while now. We have been through SO much together and I feel like our daughter has made us stronger. We are not married and of course we have our issues BUT I feel like this has given us a stronger foundation for marriage. We already have made a strong foundation for ourselves and I'm proud of our relationship. The bad and the good has taken us where we are today. With this said, I hope that our relationship only gets stronger from here and we are able to love each other for the people we have become after all that we've been through. I love you Mustafa!

Leila,

Mama I've been missing you SO much today. Today I was supposed to be 38 weeks pregnant. I can't imagine how big you would've been. Daddy and I were talking about your future little brother or sister. If it's a girl I wonder if she will be a spitting image of you. I wonder if she will talk and act like you would have. I keep thinking about another baby but can't imagine loving another little person as much as I love you. You have brought me SO much happiness. I never knew I could love so intensely. Even though Mommy cries and feels sad sometimes I promise you it is ONLY because I miss you being here with us. I would love to just hold you in my arm once more. You are my whole life and when you left I feel like a piece of me died. I know you aren't old enough to understand any of this but I hope you at least understand that Mommy loves you SO much. I would give up my own life if that meant I could be with you again. I want to say sorry baby girl. I'm sorry for not talking to you more. I feel like I'm not doing enough for you. I've only gone to the cemetery to see you twice and I feel really bad about that. I still haven't picked out your grave marker but I've started today. I am making the effort now and I hope that whatever it ends up looking like that you will like it. I wish I could be picking out clothes and toys for you but this is the only thing I can do for you. Mommy and Daddy are coming to see you soon though. We love you sweetie and miss you more than you know.

Love,
Mommy

Unfair

Today I went into Babies R Us to delete my baby registry. Sad day. The lady asked me my name and my voice cracked as I spelled it to her. She didn't ask any questions...only said it was done, but I wished she had. I felt like the couple next to me was staring at me...even if they weren't. I didn't even look at them but if I did and if they gave me a look of sympathy, I surely would have had a breakdown. I had to go to the bathroom so I walked to the back of the store past all of the adorable baby clothes and beautiful wooden cribs that I should have been looking through right now. Instead I'm trying to figure out something to do on Leila's due date in memory of her. Life is SO unfair. I'm still in denial. I've tried to be positive but I just feel like a completely different person. Oh speaking of different people...my "best friend" 'D'...the girl who didn't try to come to the hospital to see me or Leila until the day she died...then said she promised she was coming to the March for Babies to show her support..never showed, never called, text, emailed...nothing...yea her. Anyways, I was angry...still am, so I decided to message her. YUP I did it. I was a bitch and when she reads it she will probably cry. I didn't call her a BITCH like I wanted to, I just told it like it was and how she wasn't there for me and basically she's hella fake (not in those words exactly), and that she wasted my time trying to be friends with me again (because we had a big falling out before but tried to be friends again). I wasn't in the wrong trust me, I just finally got what I wanted to say to her off my chest. I'm SO tired of tip toeing over every one else's feelings and I got so tired of it that I just had to. Anyways even if I don't get a response from her I won't care, at least I said what I had to say.

Dear God, it's me...

Dear God,

When I was 12 years old you took away one of the most important people in my life, My Tutu (grandmother). She was only 51 years old but she died in a car accident. She was in the car with my Aunt and her two kids (as you know). She was the only one who died. WHY? I will never understand why SHE was taken from us but the others lived. At that time I felt like it was MY fault. We were leaving Washington from visiting family and my Tutu, Aunt & cousins went in one car and my parents, siblings and I went in another. I almost went home with my Tutu. They were telling me I should come with them and I wanted to but my Mom wouldn't let me (if I remember correctly it was because I had school the next day). Anyways, before we left we stopped at a gas station. My Tutu brought me hot chocolate to the car I was in. I said "Thank you Tutu" and my Mom told her "Have a safe trip". We drove back to our home in California and when we got there we were met by my Papa (who lived in Napa at the time). With extremely puffy red eyes we knew something was wrong. My sister and I were told to take our little sister and brother upstairs while my Papa talked to them. I remember holding my little brother (3 months old at the time) and hearing my mom scream and cry. I knew someone died. I didn't know it would be her. Never in my life would I imagine that she would die so soon. That was the worst day of my life (so far). I blamed myself for her death because I never told her "have a safe trip" like my mom did. I almost went with her. WHY didn't I go with her? God, I asked you WHY it wasn't me that died instead. There was no answer. I've never told anyone this but I "tried" to kill myself. I used quotations because I was too much of a chicken shit to really do it. I just scratched my wrists up a little bit knowing I wouldn't really die. It was stupid to even do it and looking back I would never do it again, but still I wished you would just let me die already. Now 8 years later the very worst thing possible happened to me and now I'm not sure where I stand with you. My daughter was born at 23 weeks 6 days gestation. She was taken to the NICU with hopes that she would survive. She lived for 18 days and then contracted an infection in her intestines and died. WHY did she die when she had SO many people praying for her? We prayed and prayed and prayed and then she dies anyways. People say everything happens for a reason but I still don't understand the reason for this. Was I not deserving of her God? Did I do something to offend you? I know I've done some things that I shouldn't have, but I don't think that was reason for my daughter to die. She was so young and so innocent so why did she have to die? I hate saying this but I don't understand how people can look to you for protection when these tragedies are brought upon us. I don't want to say I've stopped believing in you because I still believe you exist, but I just can't wrap my mind around why you let these things happen to us "good" people. At least I thought I was a good person. Am I a bad person? Is this why you took her away from me? I know people are going to tell me I can't lose faith when bad things happen but how can they even say that themselves? I'd like to know how they keep faith when this kind of thing happens. What makes them believe in you so intensely? Whatever it is, I'd like some of that. I'd like to believe that you are a forgiving and kind God but I just don't know anymore. I guess I'm asking for your guidance...which is weird considering I'm questioning you right now. Yesterday, Mustafa and I went to his company picnic. To no surprise there were TONS of couples with newly born babies there. Now I ask you, what makes THEM so deserving of their babies? What did they do so right in their lives that I didn't? I can't help but look at them with envy. I hate using that word because of the connotations associated with it but it's the best way to describe how I feel. I want what they have. Not that lunatic person desire where I would do something crazy to get what I want but I just wish I had my baby. I would've done absolutely anything for her. Although I'm young I'd like to think that I'm pretty mature for my age, so I don't think my age is what deterred you from keeping her with me. You give babies to little girls at the age of 15 so I can't imagine that would be the reason. I was ready to be a mommy and was really looking forward to it. I know I don't pray that often but there are tons of people in this world that don't believe in you at all and still get what they want. How is this so? I'm not one to judge someone for what they believe but why when I believe in you and pray to you all I get in return is heartache? I just don't understand it. Oh then yesterday when I went to see a perinatologist she told me my kidney surgery when I was FOUR years old most likely has something to do with me having a hard time carrying a baby. UGH really? At 4 years old I didn't even understand what having babies meant and now I have to pay for what they did to me when I was so young? Anyways God, I just want to say again how unfair life is and I really wish I could get a break. Please give me a sign that you're listening.

P.S. I continue to pray that you give other parents a break and not allow such heartache to enter their lives like it has mine and so many others I've met.

Amen

My dark place

I've been in a dark place lately. My sadness has turned into hate and rage and it's eating away at me from the inside out. I have hatred for the friends my boyfriend loves as brothers, I have hatred for family who refuses to acknowledge my loss, I have hatred for the doctor that couldn't save my daughter, I have hatred for my body that couldn't keep my daughter inside, I have hatred for myself and the fact that I didn't read or sing to my daughter while she was in the NICU. I'm not a hateful person...when I was little [even now] we weren't allowed to say we hate anything in my parents' house. Right now, after the loss of my daughter, I hate everything. I still can't believe this is my life and I absolutely hate it.

My boyfriend and I got into a huge fight over his dumb friends. I told him WHERE WERE THEY when everything happened to your daughter? WHERE WERE THEY when Father's Day came around and you were hurting? He always makes excuses for them and that pisses me off the MOST. WHY can't he see that these "friends" of his are not really friends?!

I feel like I'm in mother mode trying to remind everyone of my daughter's life and I'm trying to protect her, but from what? She's already gone. She in heaven with absolutely no troubles or worries. So I realized...I'm only trying to protect myself. Protect myself from the hurt that I feel when no one acknowledges my loss, when Mustafa's friends do not acknowledge his loss, when strangers walk by me and don't realize that my baby girl died in my arms...This list could go on and on. I just need someone to tell me how to grieve. I shouldn't even by grieving right now I should be putting together Leila's crib while waiting on her arrival. UGH Life is SO unfair!!!!

Leila,

Mommy misses you SO much. I don't know how to go on without you and I wish I didn't have to. I just want you to be back in my belly and kicking harder than ever. I still can't believe you're gone and I don't want to. This is not supposed to be our reality. I had so many plans for us and now those plans have turned into what to put on your gravestone and what I can do in your memory...it's just not fair.
I miss you my baby.

Love,
Mommy

Happy 3 month birthday baby girl!

3 months ago today my baby girl Leila was welcomed into this world with open arms. At just 23 weeks 6 days gestation my daughter was ready to see the world and stayed with us for 18 wonderful days. After she left she took a piece of my heart with her and I'm now left alone with my grief. There are others who grieve with me but they don't know a mother's pain like I do. My baby was growing in my belly and I felt every twitch, kick and hiccup. Today I should have been 37 weeks pregnant and I can't help but feel like I will be missing something for the rest of my life. Today I just realized that I'm back in my denial stage of grief. That morning my daughter passed away I was at peace the moment she left and I told my boyfriend, "Ya know what?...I think I will be OK." Who was I kidding? How could I have been OK that very same day? I think I was in shock. In my head I keep replaying the day I was in labor and I can't help but think had I gone to the doctor before my cervix dilated that they could have stopped the contractions. I know that my daughter is gone now but I don't think I believe it...I know that sounds like a contradiction but that's exactly how I feel. I've been counting down the weeks until my due date and I feel like once July 13th comes my daughter will somehow be back in my arms. I feel like God is keeping her for the time being, just to fatten her up (since she was 1lb 7 oz when she was born) and then he will give her back to me. I know that's not going to happen but I guess that's what I wish would be my reality. UGH I don't know how to deal with this. How do I tell myself that she is truly gone forever when I just don't want to believe it at all?

July 16th is my friend's son's 1st birthday party. She has been SO understanding with my loss. We went to high school together but we weren't close at all. We just joked around a lot. Then when I got pregnant I looked to her for advice because she had just had her baby at such a young age too. She was very helpful and understanding and then when I lost my daughter she sent me a very sweet message and in my stage of anger I sent a message back. I wasn't being a bitch to her I was just explaining to her my feelings about seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere. She was SO understanding and she even cried with me. We met up before work one day just for a half an hour and I told her Leila's story. She listened. That's all I wanted her to do. Then she gave me a huge hug and told me I was the best mother I could possibly be and how she would have done the same thing. I really appreciated her encouraging words and bear hug. She has been a better friend then most of my "close" friends have. This is just another one of the many examples of how you truly find out who your real friends are when tragedy hits. Anyways the other day she messaged me and told me she's knows that me and Mustafa are grieving Leila's death still and she hopes it wouldn't be rude to invite us to her son's Bday party and she doesn't want me to feel like she's rubbing it in my face that I lost Leila and she still has her son. I was SO appreciative that she said that beforehand that I told her I would be happy to come. But not before I asked her if there would be any pregnant women there. I still don't think I would be able to handle that...babies I could handle though. She assured me there would be no pregnant women so I happily agreed to come. Now I wonder if I'll be showing my own foot in my mouth once I get there and see all those babies. I've been having these very vivid dreams about babies and pregnancy. It's so weird that I actually remember my dreams so easily now when before I would struggle to remember that I even dreamt that night. Two dreams that stick out in my mind are one where I was begging to hold a newborn baby that my grandmother was holding. I knew it wasn't my baby but I wanted to hold a baby so badly. When she let me hold her I just started crying so hard because I was so happy I finally had a baby in my arms. The other dream was just me having SO many stretch marks on my stomach. What I wouldn't give to really have those stretch marks today. That would mean by baby would have gone full term and she would have been in my arms today. I know I know just because you go full term doesn't mean you will have your baby in your arms but in my case I just needed more time. When I told my boyfriend the dream about stretch marks he told me that's good. Maybe that means I will go full term the next time. I'd like to think he was right, but then again maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.

cont...so I just got back from lunch with my friend (whose son's bday party I will be attending). It was SUCH a good lunch. Even though she has not gone through a loss she is the best friend I have talked to since I lost Leila. She is there to listen and she gives me feedback and I love everything she's had to say. Although she can't grasp the pain that I feel she has done a very good job by just being there for me. I am so grateful for her.

Leila,

Today my baby has become another hard day for me. You would have been 3 months old today and I can't even imagine how much you would have grown. Today is also the day I would have been 37 weeks pregnant with you and I keep thinking that when July 13th comes you will be back in my arms. I know that isn't true but I want to believe that. It keeps me sane, but then I think once that day comes and I realize you won't be there that I will go crazy. Please give me strength on that day... I still haven't been able to choose your headstone. I keep putting it off for some reason. I know you deserve something SO much better than an ugly gold plaque that holds your place in the ground, but Mommy hasn't been able to do it yet. I'm so sorry Leila. As you know on Father's Day your Daddy didn't really say much. I gave him the card from me and one from you and he smiled and said "Thank you". He was supposed to be at work the whole day but left early because he felt sick. I have a feeling he wasn't really sick and that he was just saying that because he was hurting from Father's Day. I wish you were here with us so we could have at least spend Father's Day with you in the NICU. That would have been SO much better than being without you at all. I miss you SO much Leila. Mommy has been having different dreams lately and I'm not really sure how to interpret them. Are you trying to tell me anything mamas? If you are then you can always come tell me in my dreams, since that is the only way we can communicate. I would love to see you again.

I love you my baby girl and Happy 3 month birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Father's Day is here

Tomorrow is the 2nd "holiday" of the year that makes us baby loss parents feel like crap for not having our babies here with us. Going into Target today was emotional to say the least. Women with their kids picking out cards for Daddies...not to mention the newly made parents bringing their newborn babies with them to pick out a "1st time Daddy" card. I looked in that section for one and everything in there talked about the future and what they [Daddy and daughter/son] would share together. UGH that's not the right one I said to myself...they had nothing. Nothing that spoke of what they could or should have had together. Why don't they have cards for these parents? Why must we feel so isolated in our own baby loss world? It's not fair. I ended up choosing a simple card. On the front it said "A daughter's love for her dad is forever" and in the inside it says "thanks for being the dad I was meant to have. Love you, Happy Father's Day" It wasn't as personal as I wanted but compared to others it was perfect. It said exactly what needed to be said. Mustafa is meant to be Leila's Daddy and that's why he was chosen. I always wonder why us? Not in the sense like "why did this have to happen to us?" but more so why were we chosen to be Leila's parents? Does God know something that we don't? Well of course he does but I just wish I knew what the reason for it was. What is SO great about us that we were meant to be the parents to the most perfect little girl that ever existed? (don't feel bad about this statement Angel Mamas & Daddies, I just mean to US) You know how we are about our children. We always think ours is so perfect and just the best overall. Well that is the case. We were all chosen by some divine power (God) and if you don't believe in God then call it what you will, but our children were perfect for us.

So anyways, today I made a t-shirt for Mustafa. I want everyone to know (who doesn't know or think) that Mustafa is still a Daddy.

He's wearing it right now :) and he loves it. He's going to wear it underneath his work shirt tomorrow to show all his co-workers. I will also be sure to write on his facebook wall "Happy Father's Day" so that hopefully others (his friends) will follow suit. I'll try not to get my feelings hurt if they don't this time. :/ Besides the t-shirt and card I also got him a dog tag with Leila's footprints on them and her information. It hasn't come in the mail yet so I don't think we'll be getting that until next week. Oh well. I guess it will be a late Father's Day present. My family (mom, stepdad & brother and sisters) also got him cards. I haven't given them to him yet but I will give them to him in the morning. I thought that was SO sweet of them because they didn't have to do that...BUT that's my family and I LOVE them for that!

That's all for now will write more tomorrow. Hopefully the day won't be so...sad.

Leila,

Father's Day is finally here. As I wrote this it just turned midnight. This is your Daddy's first Father's Day and unfortunately it is a sad one because he doesn't have you with him. No one besides us knows that he is a Daddy, but I just want you to know that he is SO proud to be your Daddy and I'm sure you wouldn't have it any other way. I made him a t-shirt so he can show you off to the world tomorrow. I hope that you will be by his side especially tomorrow (as always). I'm not sure how he will feel about this holiday but I'm hoping that I can make his day better by making him feel like the father he truly is. I know you weren't here long enough to do different things with your Daddy, so I just want to tell you a little about him. He is GREAT with children! Your Auntie Kailina (2 years old) just loves your Daddy SO much. She gets excited when he walks into the room and won't stop calling his name and trying to get his attention. He plays with her and makes her laugh SO hard with the "tickle monster". I know that would have been you two if you were still here. I know you would have been a Daddy's girl. He doesn't know how to change diapers very well (as you've witnessed many of times in the NICU lol) but he can definitely put a smile on your face and make you laugh. While you were in the NICU we were SURE we saw you smile. If that really was a smile like we thought, I am sure it was all thanks to your Daddy. I wasn't very good with doing silly things to make you smile, I just wanted to cuddle and tell you how much I loved you, but your Daddy shows his love by making you smile. While you were in Mommy's tummy he used to say SUCH silly things to you. It made me laugh so hard. I just know that you were laughing with me inside there. I know you had fun when Daddy came home. He talked to you and played games with you by chasing you while you were in my belly. We talked about who you would look like and when you were born you had every single feature of your Daddy's. He says you have my nose but I think he just says that to make me feel better. That's how sweet he is, always thinking of some way to make someone else's day a little brighter. While you were in the NICU he was always the positive one. He kept telling everyone that you were doing great and that you were going to make it. I used to think he was just saying that to make himself feel better, but now I think he honestly thought that. He believed in you right from the start. He was right all along. You did make it. You made it for 18 days mama. Even after that you made it. You made it to Heaven where we hope to go our whole lives and you went there so quickly. That is a blessing. I know you are watching over us and you are always with us. We live our lives with hopes to make you proud to call us your parents. I hope you are proud. I love you Mamas.

Love always,

Mommy

Wishes

Leila,

I wish when I was tired I didn't have the option to go to sleep. I'd wish for sleep deprivation 24 hours in a row if I knew that I would be staying up to care for you. I wish I could have been breast feeding you every 2 hours instead of having to donate all my milk 2 months ago. I wish I could be giving you a bath instead of me sitting in my bathtub crying for you and wishing you were here. I wish instead of printing pictures of me and Daddy on our new printer, we would be printing pictures of the three of us on one of our family outings. I wish I would be skipping work because I was staying home with you, rather than calling in sick because my heart is broken now that you're gone forever. I wish we could cuddle under the blankets together every night rather than me holding on tight to your blanket every night. I wish I had to wash all of your baby clothes before you wore them rather than hanging them up in my closet knowing you will never wear them. I wish I could see you smile rather than replaying the moment me and Daddy thought we saw you smile over and over again in my head. I wish I could feel your warm skin on my chest again rather than trying to remember every detail about that moment I held you for the first time. Don't worry baby girl I didn't forget what it felt like I just wished I could actually relive that moment rather than going over it in my head over and over again. I wish I could wear you in the Sleepy Wrap I got for us rather than throwing it at the top of my closet in hopes that a rainbow baby will someday be able to wear it with me. I wish I could tell people yes I have a daughter she's __ months old rather than trying to come up with an answer to that question that won't make the people who ask feel uncomfortable. I wish I could be in Target shopping for new maternity clothes rather than looking for smaller clothes that won't be so big on me. I wish I could see your heartbeat on the ultrasound screen as the doctor tells me how beautifully you've grown rather than having the perinatologist take a look at my empty uterus for the prospect of a future pregnancy. I wish this blog were filled with pictures of you showing your growth instead of sad stories about how much I miss you. I wish you didn't get sick in the NICU. I wish you didn't die. I wish I didn't have to wish you were here. I wish you could just be here.

This list could go on forever and ever but I had to stop because the big lump in my throat just snuck up on me and I don't feel like crying again tonight. I just wanted you to know how much I miss you Leila. You are my world and no one will ever replace you baby girl. I love you SO much mamas!

What hope?

*sigh* Where do I even start today?

Well the day started off pretty shitty for some reason. Then I get a text from my mom telling me to get the car seat and base ready for my stepdad to pick up so they can sell it on craigslist. We talked about selling it a while back and I was OK with it but never thought when the time came I would feel so emotional about it. I just feel like that car seat is HERS and I feel like I'm giving away a part of her by selling it. I called my boyfriend and cried to him and he tried to comfort me by telling me I was not giving up Leila by selling the car seat. Easier said than done. Anyways ultimately I gave up the car seat and I'm OK now (about giving it up I guess) but then I started thinking about other things...like about how SO many people still haven't said anything to me regarding Leila dying...for example MY OWN FATHER. My stepdad raised me and was there for me through everything but my biological Dad claims to have raised me...PSH that's a joke if I ever heard one! He called me ONCE when I was in labor before I had Leila and then ONCE after I had her when I had to make that decision to take her off life support or not. I have not heard from him since. He knows what happened to Leila because his SISTER (my Aunt) told him what happened. SHE has been there for me the whole way but her brother is just a different story. I don't know WHAT his problem is. I don't even know why I'm still mad after 20 years of him not being a real Dad to me. Nothing's changed about him so WHY am I so upset over this?! He acts like I'm the one who doesn't ever call him, well I'm the ONLY one who calls. Even if it IS once a month. HE doesn't call me AT ALL. When he answers my calls he says "OH I was JUST going to call you!"...yea sure Steven. <--I should just start calling him by his name since that's all he is to me...a name. When I was much younger I still had hope. I was a Daddy's girl (despite his absence) and just hoped that he would come to his senses and be a real father to me. It never happened and here I am 20 years later still hoping when there is no hope left. He wasn't a father nor was he a grandfather to Leila for the 18 days that she was here. It saddens me that my own flesh and blood that created me doesn't even give a shit what happens to me. That should make me feel "special" right? Wrong.

UGH although he is one of the many people I wish would acknowledge my daughter's death and act like they even give a shit I am STILL so grateful for the many people that WERE/ARE there for me and Leila...

I love you all!

Today my baby...

Today my baby I would have been 36 weeks pregnant. One more week and you'd be considered full term. I can't believe how fast time goes by. Yesterday you would have been 12 weeks old and on the 22nd you would have been 3 months old. Just 9 weeks 4 days ago I was holding you in my arms for the very last time. You opened your eyes for Mommy & Daddy for the very last time. I didn't want to believe that you were leaving us, but I knew by the look in your eyes that you had to go and you wanted to tell us that you love us and everything will be alright...but Mommy doesn't feel alright. I miss you SO much. It's so hard to live without you and since I found out you existed, I never knew that I would have to live without you. We made SO many plans for you to join us as the newest member of our family...our firstborn beautiful baby girl. I bought an outfit for you before I even found out you were a girl. I wanted so badly for you to be a girl and I thought in my heart that you were. I turned out to be right! That day of the ultrasound I cried so hard when they told me you were definitely a girl. That day I was even MORE happy that I wouldn't have to call you an "it" anymore. You were my daughter. I guess you wanted to meet Mommy SO badly that you just had to be born 16 weeks early. You came to us @ 23 weeks 6 days gestation and I couldn't have been MORE happy knowing that you were such a fighter against all odds...Mommy & Daddy's landlord at the time told us that you were a fighter just like your Mommy & Daddy...they didn't like us very much since we liked to argue with them. Don't worry we were always in the right :) It made me laugh that she said that though. Even people who didn't know you knew that you were a fighter. SO many people who didn't even know you were praying for you as well as our family of course. After 18 days, your journey here on Earth came to an end and you died...I was SO heartbroken that day, I still am. My heart will never fully heal from this loss but I can't imagine never knowing you. I'm SO grateful for the time we did get with you and thankful for all the wonderful memories we made with you. You have SO many people that love you and still think of you often. So many wonderful women that I've met through the online world love you. I imagine you playing with their babies up there and causing a raucous. You babies are all so loved and missed down here I can't even begin to tell you the extent of it. I have SO many plans to do wonderful things in your name and can't wait to put these plans into action. I want to bring comfort to all of your friends' up there parents like they've brought to me. I miss you my baby and can't wait for the day that we will see each other again.

Love you always and forever,
Mommy

Forgive?

Yesterday Mustafa and I went to Pierre's graduation (Pierre is Mustafa's best friend). When I was in the hospital the day before I gave birth to Leila, Pierre and a couple of other friends visited me. They brought flowers and stuffed animals. They left and the next 18 days Leila nor I got a visit from any of them. No one came to see Leila, I don't even know if they asked about her. After Leila died, the next day we had a funeral for her on April 10, 2010. Later that day we all met up at my aunt's house for food and family time. Did any of them show up? No. I'm not really sure why...maybe they had to work? who knows. Mustafa had no one there to support him but his Uncle Waled (and his wife and kid) as well as their family friend Haythem (who I love by the way). I am SO grateful for them and happy that they came to support us (especially Mustafa & Leila) during those difficult times. As far of his friends go? None of them came. None of them said anything to me either. I consider them my friends as well, just not close friends. You would think since they are Mustafa's really close friends though that they would come to visit his daughter or at least attend her funeral. When Mustafa told me he was going to take the day off of work to attend Pierre's graduation I was pissed to say the least. Mustafa is SUCH a good friend to them, but were any of them there for him when his daughter was sick and then died? Nope. Why doesn't he see this? Why the hell is he SO forgiving? On top of that he bought Pierre a LAPTOP for his graduation. FAMILY is supposed to get those kinds of gifts for your graduation...not friends. Mustafa's reason was that Pierre is like a brother to him. Was his "brother" there at the hospital when Mustafa's daughter was born? Was his "brother" there when he cried with Leila in his arms for the first and last time? Was his "brother" there when we had her funeral? He wasn't there for ANYTHING but the first day I was in the hospital. I don't consider him to be a "brother" to him at all. Brothers are there for each other. Mustafa gets mad when I talk shit about his friends but that's all I feel they are...pieces of shit...that's mean to say but where the fuck were they?! God they piss me off. Anyways I REALLY didn't want to attend his graduation for fear that I would have to be fake to them for Mustafa's sake. Well I wasn't fake. I actually really didn't say shit to any of them. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong and why I wouldn't smile. Did anyone tell me they were sorry for my loss? Nope. They didn't even acknowledge it. This was the first time I had seen any of them since all that happened but no one said shit to me. After the graduation we were all supposed to go to dinner. I could handle dinner, I would just keep my mouth full of food so I wouldn't have to talk to any of them. They decided not to go out to dinner but to go to one of the friend's house and bar-b-q. I didn't want to sit around the house and have to talk to any of them. Fuck that. I left. Mustafa stayed. *sigh* He really pisses me off...before the graduation when I brought up that I was pissed at them for not being there, he kept trying to defend them. He said that they talked to him about it and said they really didn't know what to say or do. I'm sorry but I'm just sick of all the excuses. Is calling to check up on someone asking too much? Is being there for a "brother" at his daughter's funeral asking too much? If you feel like YOU can't handle it just think about the parents. Do you think THEY can handle the fact that their daughter just died? Their daughter who they loved more than life itself and would have given up anything for?...Think about that when you tell me or Mustafa that you don't know what to say. I'm done with the excuses. I hold grudges. That's me. Unless you have a perfectly good excuse for your actions I'm done with you. Mustafa however is SO forgiving. Bless his frickin heart, I can't do that. I'm sorry. I don't think I'm crazy for feeling this way...but that's just me.

This is getting old...

I always wonder if people get tired of hearing about how sad I am...just in reading this blog it seems like all I talk about is how sad I am and there's not much that's positive. Hopefully people aren't already getting sick of reading it {lol} but oh well if they are...I just can't wait for the day when I'm back to the positive person I used to be. Those were the days. No "real" frustrations like now. But for now I will just continue to write what is in my heart in order to "cope" with the pain...

I'm getting tired of hearing the "positive"comments like "it was meant to happen" "we have an angel now""God is watching over her now, hopefully you find comfort in that"...PSH I never asked for an angel did I? NO...I keep hearing about all these CRAZY women that try to kill their kids...WHY the hell were they given babies? What good was supposed to come out of that if everything is "meant to happen" huh? That shit is so lame and I'm pretty sick of hearing it. Sorry if I sound rude, because I know people are just trying to help, but f.y.i. it doesn't really help.

Just today I was talking to a friend about a subsequent pregnancy and somewhere in the conversation she was saying that she would be heartbroken if I had another miscarriage (because I was saying how scared I was for another loss)...well, I'm not sure how many times I have to say this but I did NOT have a miscarriage. My daughter was alive at one point. She moved, blinked, cried, held onto my hand, drank my breast milk, pooped, etc. There are SO many people that think because you've "lost" a baby that it was just a miscarriage...well that is just NOT the case at all. There are tons of different kinds of losses that are definitely not miscarriages, yet people are still mistaken. I'm not sure why that is but I had to tell her it wasn't a miscarriage. I love the girl to pieces and I'm sure she doesn't know it hurt my feelings but it did. I've heard Michelle over at Missing Juanito say before that she hates having to prove herself. Well that's how I felt today...like I had to prove that my daughter wasn't a miscarriage and that she was alive at one point in time. *sigh* I will probably have to deal with this for the rest of my life but I guess "that's life".

Ugh yesterday makes it 2 months since my baby girl grew her angel wings. I told her Daddy that and he said that he hates counting the days. He tries not to. Well I told him that every Monday (day she was born), Friday (day she died), 9th (April 9th was when she died) and 22nd (March 22nd was when she was born) reminds me to count the days...I just can't help it. I wish I didn't have to but since she's not here these are the only days to "look forward to" (that's not really the right phrase but I don't know how else to say it)...

Today has been SO hard for me. I emailed a woman whose son was Leila's neighbor in the NICU. I wanted to let her know that her family has been on my mind and I just received an email back from her. She told me that they were able to take the baby home on April 23rd. I am SO happy for their family because for a while everything was touch and go, but the fact that he made it makes me so happy. Then my happiness soon turned into that should have been us. I would never wish anything bad on her or her family...actually on anyone but I couldn't help but feel sad that I did not get to enjoy bringing my baby home as well. I don't want to feel pity for myself right now I just want my baby back. :( *sigh*

Leila,
Mommy is missing you SO much today! Baby Andre got to go home with his family 2 months ago. I know you were watching over him baby girl and I thank you for that. His family and our family were pretty close during our stay in the NICU so we've been praying for Andre's safe return and it happened! I'm SO happy for them but I just wish that we could have had that as well. I keep looking at baby things thinking I would have gotten that for you. Your Tutu and I were talking today about how we were supposed to take you camping with us next month. We miss you SO much and now I don't know if I'll be able to enjoy that camping trip without you. All I know is while I'm there I will find some way to bring a bit of you with us.

I found your Daddy a Father's Day present. Your Daddy's so crazy, he keeps asking for a grill...he doesn't even know how to cook lol your Mama does all the cooking :) Anyways I ended up getting him a dog tag with your footprints and info on them and I'm also getting the hope collage that Franchesca made for us framed. Oh yea and don't forget that Daddy's day card I will make him with your little chicken scratch handwriting (even though I know you wouldn't be able to write right now). I will also cook dinner for him (pray that your Mama doesn't burn it like I burned the mushrooms last time lol)

Well Leila I can't tell you enough how much Mommy loves you. I know you already know this but I can't tell you enough. Tell your Tutu Nui I said that I love her and Grandma Mawae too!

Mommy misses you

35 weeks pregnant

Today my baby you would be 35 weeks old if you were still in my belly. 5 more weeks and I would be ready to pop. Knowing you (always on Leila time) you would have come earlier even if my cervix didn't dilate. You were ready for the world at such a young age, but the world wasn't ready for you. Technology has come so far, but not far enough. They couldn't magically make you age so that your lungs would have developed fast enough outside my womb, they couldn't magically make you gain weight so that you weren't so fragile, they couldn't magically heal your intestines when they got sick, they couldn't keep you alive [period] YOU stayed here for 18 days because YOU wanted to, not because the doctors kept you alive. They told me I'd have to take you off "life support"...but that's all those machines were..."support". They didn't "live" for you like the doctors implied. You could have died whenever you wanted and you did. April 9th, you left us that morning...without us having to unplug the ventilator, you said goodbye. You were ready and it was your time and I'm happy that you went on "Leila time" and not the doctors' time. I'd be lying if I said I was happy you are where you are now, because I'm not happy. I miss you SO much and selfishly want you back. I'm back in that shock/denial stage of grief again. Daddy and I were watching a movie last night where a woman was pregnant...I wouldn't have popped that DVD in had I known, but we continued to watch anyways. As we watched her belly grow I couldn't help but think to myself that that should have been us. MY tummy should've gotten big like that but NO. I already had you and you died. I didn't want to believe it. I thought it was a dream again. Then I told myself no you really did die, I slept with your lifeless body that night before we buried you and you weren't breathing. We took you to the cemetery the next morning and I watched your Daddy and Uncle Waled put you in the ground. I put your Daddy's and my picture in your grave with you. I watched your Papa shovel the dirt over your body. I listened as they prayed over your body. It was a beautiful prayer they said, but nonetheless it was a prayer for my dead baby. :'(I just wish you were here with me Leila. No one understands how I feel now that you're not here. I don't want to live anymore. I keep wishing someone could save me from this grief. I don't want to feel this anymore. I want it to be over and for you to be back in my arms somehow. After thinking about having another baby I just can't imagine having another little person inside my belly. I want SO badly to be pregnant again, but this time it won't be YOU. I want YOU in there, not anyone else :( **sigh**
Mommy loves you sweetie, don't you ever forget that.

AHHHHH in the middle of writing this (at work) I just got a call from a student (I work in the admissions office at my university) and she wanted me to check her status to see if she can register because she took a term off...because she just had her baby...UUUGGGGHHHHH WHY MY PHONE?! Why couldn't someone else have gotten her call? I wanted to tell her "well congratulations, my baby died 2 months ago(tomorrow)" :( I hate this. I used to be SO happy when I would hear women say they just had a baby or that they're pregnant. As weird as it may be I was SO excited for them...for ALL of us pregnant women and I used to say "OMG me too! congratulations!" Now I can't say shit. I just have to take it like a woman and move on. God, I hate this...

You came to your Uncle Jordan!

*2nd post for the day*

I guess this could be considered as me "Spreading the love today" through my letter to Leila about her Uncle Jordan (my best friend).

Leila,

I was talking to your Uncle Jordan today and he told me he had something serious to talk about and he hoped I won't be offended. I'm crying as I write this because it just made me so happy. He said that he dreamt of you. He had the same dream like 3 times already. He said you looked the same as you did the last time we saw you, but you were a woman now. You were walking towards him and you had an orangish/yellow glow behind you. He said you were walking but it was like you were floating...like an angel. I know it was you coming to your Uncle Jordan baby girl. He was there with your Mommy in the NICU and loved to spend time with you just as much as I did. Before you were born we talked about taking you on walks in the park this summer. Me and your Uncle were SO excited for you to come and join us on all of our adventures. Your Uncle and I always talked about our "exclusive parties" [which really meant we were loners and only had each other to "party" with] {lol} but we didn't mind that at all. You were going to be "partying" with us and we couldn't wait. Mommy had bought you a sleepy wrap to "wear" you in while we took walks like we always did. You can ask your Daddy, I LOVED that thing and I didn't even get to carry you in it yet. I was looking forward to doing all of these things with you and everyday I would sit on my computer and research ALL things baby. At first your Uncle was scared for me because I was so young (still am). He didn't know how in the world I would ever be able to finish school with a baby, but everyone got used to the idea of having you in our lives. We wanted you to be here so badly now. Uncle Jordan was in L.A. on vacation for a little while and came back with a cute little dress for you. I thought it was SO adorable that he was thinking of you while he was on vacation and you weren't even here yet. Everyone called him your second Daddy {lol}. When Mommy and the rest of your family went to your gender ultrasound Uncle Jordan was right by our side. He took so many pictures of the computer screen with your little profile on it and immediately sent it to everyone we knew. As soon as we found out you were a girl he sent text messages to everyone to tell them the news before I even got the chance! lol I started getting texts from EVERYONE saying how excited they were that I was having a little girl. I already had your name picked out before you were even born. I had a different middle name picked out for you, but after you were born your Tutu convinced me to give you her name "Keola" and "lani" (part of my first name). We merged the names and got "Keolalani" which means heavenly life. Pretty ironic if you ask me. You really are a life in heaven now. It fits you perfectly. When we chose the name Leila I initially wanted it spelled the other way (Layla) but after you were born I knew you were definitely meant to be a "L-E-I-L-A". But anyways back to your Uncle Jordan...after he sent TONS of the ultrasound pics to his mom she said, "Wow Jordan, you'd think YOU were the Daddy by how many pictures you are sending." lol He was SO in love with you, I could already tell and so could everyone else. HE is my BEST friend and I couldn't have asked for a better one. He was there with us through EVERYTHING. He went to the NICU with me to visit you when Daddy couldn't be there (and even when he was). He went with me to the NICU parents meeting when Daddy had to work. He was with us when we went to bury you. He was there after you were gone, when I felt like i had nothing left. Of course I had/have your Daddy but it was still different with your Uncle. He was the first person I really became friends with when I first moved to Oregon. I came here my Junior year of high school (from Oakland, CA) and I absolutely HATED this state. He made my stay here SO much better. Despite all of the things I hated about Oregon I would stay here just because your Uncle made it so enjoyable for me. I met your Daddy later on when I got to college but still maintained that friendship with your Uncle. Your Daddy loves him too. He thought he would hate him just because I loved him so much {lol} ...you know your Daddy. BUT he met him and LOVED him, they hit it off and eventually THEY started texting each other. I got kinda jealous for a little bit like my best friend and boyfriend were stealing each other away from me {lol}. I loved that they got along though, I don't know what I would do if they didn't. Well I can't thank your Uncle enough for the support he's shown me through the years. I would have never thought that our friendship would come this far from when we first met but I am SO thankful it did. That being said, I was SO happy to hear that you had come to him in his dreams. I know that you are always on his mind so it would only be right that he'd be one of the people you'd visit.

I love you my baby and can't wait to you come to see ME in my dreams again. Mommy misses you

Father's Day

**sigh** Father's Day is coming up. I have NO idea what to get my boyfriend. Leila is our only child and she is no longer with us. What am I supposed to get a father who doesn't have their child with them? This is EXTREMELY depressing and I know this day won't be so happy for him like it should be. I really hope people say Happy Father's Day to him because I don't want him to feel like he isn't a Daddy because he IS. Can you believe I googled "gifts for dads without their children" and it said "did you mean: gifts for dads with their children?" I wanted to say "NO ASSHOLE, I MEAN WHAT I SAY AND SAY WHAT I MEAN!"

This has just jogged some thoughts...Ugh I just want to start my own business specially for "bereaved parents of dead babies" This business will acknowledge parents with and without other children. It will acknowledge these dates that are hard for parents to deal with after losing their babies; it will have personal stories of other women and men who go through what we go through daily and how they "deal" with it. It will have ideas for what to make or get for parents who no longer have a child/children here on earth. It will have special "gifts" for parents to remember their angels by. As long as the other bloggers who make these gifts are willing, their blogs can also be on the website so that parents can easily find their "services". It will be like a one stop shop for all parents of dead babies (sorry if this is too blunt for anyone). I know there are other people that have started their own thing for parents like me but I still just want to do something different. I'm thinking of so many different things to do for other parents and I just wonder where to even start. Anyways that is an idea for another day, now back to my Father's Day gift dilemma.

I was thinking of getting Leila's daddy something from myforeverchild.com but honestly I've been out of work for a while and don't have too much money which makes this a little out of my budget. I want something personal & meaningful (also on the lower end of the cost scale)...not something like a tie that Father's usually get on this day (no offense to anyone getting their father a tie lol)

Any ideas anyone??

Leila,

"Daddies" day is coming up and your Daddy is down here with me. We don't have you with us so I know this day will be hard for him just like it was for me on Mother's Day. I'm not sure what to get him that would make it be from you, so you gotta help me out sweetie. What would you like to get your daddy? We have one picture of him holding you (the last picture ever taken of you) and I would like to do something with this picture as well as something else. I'm not sure yet but I hope you can give me an idea soon before it's too late.

I love you SO much honey and think of you every second of every day. Yesterday I saw another dragonfly you sent me, it was a beautiful blue color again.

OH by the way I just found out that the "dragonfly" you sent me the other day isn't a dragonfly at all...

It's actually a damselfly. I never even knew about damselflies but found out about them today. They're very similar to dragonflies but have distinct differences. One difference is on a damselfly the wings fold together close to its body when it's at rest...a dragonfly's wings stay rested horizontally. I had no idea, thank you for sending me the beauty of a new mystical creature that I would have known nothing about if it wasn't for you.

Mommy loves you honey. Keep sending me damselflies, dragonflies or butterflies...whichever, I love them all!

stupid baby bumps!

UGH Why do I do this to myself??...I was SO tempted I just couldn't help it...I don't know why...maybe because I'm curious. Well instead of curiosity killing the cat, it killed my frickin heart today...

I went back to BBC July 2010 Photo Club...the photo club I was supposed to be in! All those beautiful baby bumps :( I was obsessed with baby bump pictures when I was pregnant. I couldn't wait to show mine off. Then right when everyone was starting to notice, I went into labor. UUUUGGGGGHHHHH I will NEVER get over this. I was supposed to be right next to these ladies. They all have frickin smiles on their faces in these pictures. Why can't I be happy like that?! Why do I have to be miserable because my baby died?! Why did my baby even have to die?! I just don't know how many more times I can say this til it gets old. It will NEVER get old because I will NEVER be "OK" with this.

I am NOT OK with my baby dying. Why the hell would you even think to message me and say I heard about your loss I'm sorry, are you OK?...uhh you dumb *a&)s%^$dh5%&^&* do you THINK I'm OK? Would YOU be OK if your baby died? I don't think so!

God I just hate the internet. Although I can admit it has good uses it also frickin ruins my day! Stupid facebook, stupid BBC photo clubs, stupid messages from stupid people...I could go on and on...but I won't.

Life.sucks.period.

**Oh wait I had to add this on just because I'm in a pissed off mood right now and just remembered...the other day I went to visit my boyfriend at work but he was actually at the other store (he switches off between the 2) so I met his co-worker for the first time. She was SO bubbly I was trying to be happy too but that was ..I believe the 2nd day being back to work for me and I had just left really early since I was having a bad day...anyways somewhere in the conversation I was telling her how hard it was to go back to work and she said "oh yea honey, I heard about your guys' 'situation' and I'm sorry...I know it must be hard for you...but HEY you gotta go back to work sometime, plus I know you guys need it since you're living off of one income right now so that must be nice to have two now." Ummmm OK lady who the HELL are you to basically say to me get over it. Out of all of what she said, all I heard was get over it and move on. Also WHO THE HELL ARE YOU to be ALL in our finances like that?? Did I ask you for your two damn cents?! Hell no I didn't. Anyways that was it. UGH that lady pissed me off!**

~For you Corinne~

This is for you Corinne. Your mommy said pink and brown were your colors and I remember her also saying that you send her ladybugs, so I thought I would add that as well. Hope you like it sweetie.

Pretty shitty...

AHHHH I'm SO frustrated! As SOON as I think I'm "OK" these stupid triggers put me right back to the starting line. I was actually having a good day yesterday (weird) I laughed and my boyfriend and I were playing around and being stupid. Then at the end of the day something happens and I start crying. :( I thought I wasn't going to cry yesterday, but nope I was wrong.

UGH and let me just tell you I HATE work. I REALLY need to win the lottery already so I never have to come back. I have been skipping work this whole week since last week was really bad for me. I just couldn't stop crying on Friday so I left EXTREMELY early. Then I didn't even show up to work on Tuesday or Wednesday, so today if my first attempt back...I guess this makes it day 3 back at work. Let's see how this day goes. So far I think God is giving me a break. I answer phones in the admissions office along with 3 of my other co-workers and usually we get hundreds of calls a day. The calls can go to anyone's phones and usually I get TONS, but today it seems like my phone hasn't been ringing much and everyone else's has. Thank GOD! I don't really want to talk to people today, I'd rather just sit here and be depressed on blogger and write or read.

UGH It seems like my urge to hold babies is getting stronger. Although I would like to be pregnant again, since I'm not, I'm just desperate for someone close to me to have a baby. I know I would be heartbroken to hear about it, but I just want to hold someone's newborn baby! Maybe if I tell my story to a complete stranger with a baby they will feel pity for me and let me hold their baby. :( No, I'm pretty sure I would just look like a psycho baby stealer or something. UGH I don't even know why I'm saying all this.

I am really dreading my due date that seems to be approaching pretty fast. I CANNOT believe it's already June! 3 more weeks and I could have been considered full-term. I don't why I have this frickin hope still. Hope that when July comes my baby will magically appear out of nowhere...alive. WHY am I thinking like this?? I know she's gone for good yet something in the very depths of my brain believes it's possible she could come back. I hate this.

Today is Tami's due date for Corinne and my heart breaks for her. I hope that she has a good day despite the emotions that will arise from today just being today. She is supposed to have a baby in her arms! I don't understand why these terrible things happen to such good people! I have met SO many BLM that are BEYOND sweet, caring, compassionate, thoughtful...(I could go on and on) and still we "lose" our babies...I will never understand this. I did NOT want an angel! I wanted my baby. :( I'm sorry for any parents that have to go through this lame ass excuse for a life. Sorry if I offend you :/ guess I just want to be bitter today.

Oh and on top of the shittyness I already feel...I'm SICK! My body hates me...First it lets me down and goes into pre-term labor. Next it continues to produce milk when I have no baby to feed. THEN it gives me a frickin period for a MONTH after I give birth to Leila. Now I'm sick. Thank you body, I hate you too!

**sigh** Sorry for venting to you all and probably ruining your day. Let's hope I have a better one tomorrow!