Father's Day is here

Tomorrow is the 2nd "holiday" of the year that makes us baby loss parents feel like crap for not having our babies here with us. Going into Target today was emotional to say the least. Women with their kids picking out cards for Daddies...not to mention the newly made parents bringing their newborn babies with them to pick out a "1st time Daddy" card. I looked in that section for one and everything in there talked about the future and what they [Daddy and daughter/son] would share together. UGH that's not the right one I said to myself...they had nothing. Nothing that spoke of what they could or should have had together. Why don't they have cards for these parents? Why must we feel so isolated in our own baby loss world? It's not fair. I ended up choosing a simple card. On the front it said "A daughter's love for her dad is forever" and in the inside it says "thanks for being the dad I was meant to have. Love you, Happy Father's Day" It wasn't as personal as I wanted but compared to others it was perfect. It said exactly what needed to be said. Mustafa is meant to be Leila's Daddy and that's why he was chosen. I always wonder why us? Not in the sense like "why did this have to happen to us?" but more so why were we chosen to be Leila's parents? Does God know something that we don't? Well of course he does but I just wish I knew what the reason for it was. What is SO great about us that we were meant to be the parents to the most perfect little girl that ever existed? (don't feel bad about this statement Angel Mamas & Daddies, I just mean to US) You know how we are about our children. We always think ours is so perfect and just the best overall. Well that is the case. We were all chosen by some divine power (God) and if you don't believe in God then call it what you will, but our children were perfect for us.

So anyways, today I made a t-shirt for Mustafa. I want everyone to know (who doesn't know or think) that Mustafa is still a Daddy.

He's wearing it right now :) and he loves it. He's going to wear it underneath his work shirt tomorrow to show all his co-workers. I will also be sure to write on his facebook wall "Happy Father's Day" so that hopefully others (his friends) will follow suit. I'll try not to get my feelings hurt if they don't this time. :/ Besides the t-shirt and card I also got him a dog tag with Leila's footprints on them and her information. It hasn't come in the mail yet so I don't think we'll be getting that until next week. Oh well. I guess it will be a late Father's Day present. My family (mom, stepdad & brother and sisters) also got him cards. I haven't given them to him yet but I will give them to him in the morning. I thought that was SO sweet of them because they didn't have to do that...BUT that's my family and I LOVE them for that!

That's all for now will write more tomorrow. Hopefully the day won't be so...sad.

Leila,

Father's Day is finally here. As I wrote this it just turned midnight. This is your Daddy's first Father's Day and unfortunately it is a sad one because he doesn't have you with him. No one besides us knows that he is a Daddy, but I just want you to know that he is SO proud to be your Daddy and I'm sure you wouldn't have it any other way. I made him a t-shirt so he can show you off to the world tomorrow. I hope that you will be by his side especially tomorrow (as always). I'm not sure how he will feel about this holiday but I'm hoping that I can make his day better by making him feel like the father he truly is. I know you weren't here long enough to do different things with your Daddy, so I just want to tell you a little about him. He is GREAT with children! Your Auntie Kailina (2 years old) just loves your Daddy SO much. She gets excited when he walks into the room and won't stop calling his name and trying to get his attention. He plays with her and makes her laugh SO hard with the "tickle monster". I know that would have been you two if you were still here. I know you would have been a Daddy's girl. He doesn't know how to change diapers very well (as you've witnessed many of times in the NICU lol) but he can definitely put a smile on your face and make you laugh. While you were in the NICU we were SURE we saw you smile. If that really was a smile like we thought, I am sure it was all thanks to your Daddy. I wasn't very good with doing silly things to make you smile, I just wanted to cuddle and tell you how much I loved you, but your Daddy shows his love by making you smile. While you were in Mommy's tummy he used to say SUCH silly things to you. It made me laugh so hard. I just know that you were laughing with me inside there. I know you had fun when Daddy came home. He talked to you and played games with you by chasing you while you were in my belly. We talked about who you would look like and when you were born you had every single feature of your Daddy's. He says you have my nose but I think he just says that to make me feel better. That's how sweet he is, always thinking of some way to make someone else's day a little brighter. While you were in the NICU he was always the positive one. He kept telling everyone that you were doing great and that you were going to make it. I used to think he was just saying that to make himself feel better, but now I think he honestly thought that. He believed in you right from the start. He was right all along. You did make it. You made it for 18 days mama. Even after that you made it. You made it to Heaven where we hope to go our whole lives and you went there so quickly. That is a blessing. I know you are watching over us and you are always with us. We live our lives with hopes to make you proud to call us your parents. I hope you are proud. I love you Mamas.

Love always,

Mommy