I'm getting tired of hearing the "positive"comments like "it was meant to happen" "we have an angel now""God is watching over her now, hopefully you find comfort in that"...PSH I never asked for an angel did I? NO...I keep hearing about all these CRAZY women that try to kill their kids...WHY the hell were they given babies? What good was supposed to come out of that if everything is "meant to happen" huh? That shit is so lame and I'm pretty sick of hearing it. Sorry if I sound rude, because I know people are just trying to help, but f.y.i. it doesn't really help.
Just today I was talking to a friend about a subsequent pregnancy and somewhere in the conversation she was saying that she would be heartbroken if I had another miscarriage (because I was saying how scared I was for another loss)...well, I'm not sure how many times I have to say this but I did NOT have a miscarriage. My daughter was alive at one point. She moved, blinked, cried, held onto my hand, drank my breast milk, pooped, etc. There are SO many people that think because you've "lost" a baby that it was just a miscarriage...well that is just NOT the case at all. There are tons of different kinds of losses that are definitely not miscarriages, yet people are still mistaken. I'm not sure why that is but I had to tell her it wasn't a miscarriage. I love the girl to pieces and I'm sure she doesn't know it hurt my feelings but it did. I've heard Michelle over at Missing Juanito say before that she hates having to prove herself. Well that's how I felt today...like I had to prove that my daughter wasn't a miscarriage and that she was alive at one point in time. *sigh* I will probably have to deal with this for the rest of my life but I guess "that's life".
Ugh yesterday makes it 2 months since my baby girl grew her angel wings. I told her Daddy that and he said that he hates counting the days. He tries not to. Well I told him that every Monday (day she was born), Friday (day she died), 9th (April 9th was when she died) and 22nd (March 22nd was when she was born) reminds me to count the days...I just can't help it. I wish I didn't have to but since she's not here these are the only days to "look forward to" (that's not really the right phrase but I don't know how else to say it)...
Today has been SO hard for me. I emailed a woman whose son was Leila's neighbor in the NICU. I wanted to let her know that her family has been on my mind and I just received an email back from her. She told me that they were able to take the baby home on April 23rd. I am SO happy for their family because for a while everything was touch and go, but the fact that he made it makes me so happy. Then my happiness soon turned into that should have been us. I would never wish anything bad on her or her family...actually on anyone but I couldn't help but feel sad that I did not get to enjoy bringing my baby home as well. I don't want to feel pity for myself right now I just want my baby back. :( *sigh*
Leila,
Mommy is missing you SO much today! Baby Andre got to go home with his family 2 months ago. I know you were watching over him baby girl and I thank you for that. His family and our family were pretty close during our stay in the NICU so we've been praying for Andre's safe return and it happened! I'm SO happy for them but I just wish that we could have had that as well. I keep looking at baby things thinking I would have gotten that for you. Your Tutu and I were talking today about how we were supposed to take you camping with us next month. We miss you SO much and now I don't know if I'll be able to enjoy that camping trip without you. All I know is while I'm there I will find some way to bring a bit of you with us.
I found your Daddy a Father's Day present. Your Daddy's so crazy, he keeps asking for a grill...he doesn't even know how to cook lol your Mama does all the cooking :) Anyways I ended up getting him a dog tag with your footprints and info on them and I'm also getting the hope collage that Franchesca made for us framed. Oh yea and don't forget that Daddy's day card I will make him with your little chicken scratch handwriting (even though I know you wouldn't be able to write right now). I will also cook dinner for him (pray that your Mama doesn't burn it like I burned the mushrooms last time lol)
Well Leila I can't tell you enough how much Mommy loves you. I know you already know this but I can't tell you enough. Tell your Tutu Nui I said that I love her and Grandma Mawae too!
Mommy misses you
5 comments:
So many of the same thoughts. I always feel like I'm a broken record saying the same, woe is me story over and over again. I often wonder why some people even read! lol! But let it out, say what you need to say, even if it's the same thing over and over again. We'll listen. :)
Maggie said what i was gonna say and what the next comment will say....let it out..i told my therapist i dont know why i come cause its the same story each week....i miss my baby, i hate ti grieve, and NO ONE gets it.....as for the count downs....what else do we have? it is the last time we held them thats what I count down, the last time i saw her....Monday was the day of the week they confirmed her heart stopped...tuesday she was borm friday she was buried...all of the days have a different meaning then they did 4 months ago....thats the "new normal"
Do you know how awesome a person you should consider yourself for being happy for them? That brief moment of happiness FOR THEM proves that you are not always going to be sad and feeling broken. It'll never not hurt, but it won't always be so raw.
Secondly, this is your place to come and "be sad". It's not like life is just ok now, and that the hurting stops. You deserve your own place to go to, to vent, and whine and be just plain sad. That's what were all here for. If we didn't want to sit here and read it, we wouldn't.
I can't stress enough how people pretty much see it as a miscarriage!!! I've had that said to me before and just like you said, I'm going to prove myself. It sucks that we have to, but our babies' lives were too special for them to not be acknowledged the right way.
I laughed though when you said Mustafa wants a grill!! haha, what does he think this is? lol! I think it's funny how we got the same necklace for mother's day and now our boyfriends are getting the same dog tag for father's day. We're so in-sync! :] lol.
@Maggie- Thanks for listening to me. You guys are my favorite people in the whole wide world! lol
@Ann- you're right this is our new normal. All I have now are these countdowns to all these new significant days in my life. Sucks but I guess it's a new way for me to feel close to my baby. P.S. I LOVE ALYSSA :)
@Amanda- Thank you so much for your comment :) You're right, this is MY place to come and feel whatever I feel and write about it! and thank you for reading it!
@Marissa- Yea we will have to educate the whole world on what happened to us because no one seems to understand except us! and GIRL I KNOW lol Mustafa is trippin thinkin this is like Christmas! This is FATHER'S day. He should get something that is FATHER-LY lol like I always tell him. But yeaaaa I was just thinking that we are SOOO in sync! OH and our cameras! Maaaan if we get the same cameras it will be PERFECT lol We should go into business together!..something for baby loss mamas and we'll have TWO locations...Cali and Oregon lol anyways...
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