Yesterday I found out that Leila's little cousin passed away. To some it would just be a fetus or a ball of cells...but to me and many others it was a baby. It was an ectopic pregnancy. My cousin's girlfriend lost a fallopian tube with the baby. While I haven't been through this myself, I can only imagine her pain from what I know about my own and so many of my friends'. I called my Grammie to let her know I was thinking of her too. This was the second great-grandbaby she lost within such a short period of time. She was devastated to say the least and I was hurt to hear of another baby gone too soon. I guess it just brought back a lot of my own early feelings of grief. Grammie and I both agreed I should reach out to my cousin's girlfriend "D". Maybe I could be a shoulder to cry on...since I am the "expert" on grief, right? Ask me anything about grief: the feelings us grieving parents encounter, a special way to remember our children, how to throw a birthday party for a dead child/ren (sorry if this is too blunt), what an angelversary is etc. Ask me about raising babies and I couldn't tell you a damn thing...not from a mother's point of view anyways. I'm not a parenting mother...only the mother of an "angel". The fact of the matter is I'm
not an expert. I'm not an expert when it comes to anything actually. I still don't know how to live without Leila. I still don't know how to be positive about this whole thing. I see so many people with such positive comments about what they've taken from this experience and
yes I can come up with tons of positive things. So many blessings came from knowing Leila...but when it comes to my daily life it seems like I come up with nothing. All I do is complain...I realize that. I'm sure other people have realized that too. I am gratful, I truly am...it's just extreeeemely hard to be positive when I feel like I've lost so much of myself. Leila was/IS my world and I feel like that's all gone now. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself telling myself I've lost...no I've gained...I don't know. Who knows if any of this even makes sense but I just felt like I had to get it out. I just miss her so much it's sometimes unbearable. I wish I was an expert on being a parent instead.
Leila,
We haven't talked in a while...not on here at least. I've missed you SO much lately. I feel like time is flying and before we know it your first birthday will be here. I can't even believe that. It's just too surreal. I've had plans for your first birthday for a while now and I'm excited to see how everything turns out. It brings me joy to plan something for you or in memory of you. I've found that for now projects are what keeps me happy. I feel like I'm meant for something that will change people's lives though I'm not sure what yet. I miss you so much baby girl. Simba has been keeping me TONS busy lately and I'm SO grateful for him. He has SO much energy I'm sure you two would love each other. I love you and miss you my child.
Love,
Mama
