I had been preparing for this day for a while now...I guess you could say as soon as her 1st birthday was over I was thinking about the next year already. I knew it would come fast, I just didn't expect time to fly this fast. I had planned to go to the cemetery with Mustafa and his family yesterday. It was a nice trip and I'm glad we did it together. Last night though, I was a mess...it came all of a sudden when I didn't really expect it. I'm usually OK around this time...February is the month that's hardest for me for some reason...I guess the anticipation of this day hurts the most. This year though was pretty hard all around. Last night I fought the tears for the most part...until morning came. This morning I couldn't believe she turned 2. I decided that I would make cupcakes and get a sandwich platter and take them to the NICU. Yesterday I called the NICU that Leila was in to make sure it would be OK for me to come and bring food. A woman named Grace answered the phone and sounded like the sweetest, most appreciative person I know. Mustafa and I took the elevator up to the West NICU where the level III NICU was. Apparently they had moved and we were told to go down one floor. Grace greeted us at the door with a smile and plenty of thanks. We talked over the phone about Leila and her turning 2...but I hadn't told her she wouldn't be joining us today. She told the other nurses about Leila and how we were so sweet to bring stuff for her birthday and that she turned 2 today. Then she asked where she was. I told her she passed away and she gave me a big hug. They were even more thankful we were there. That made me feel good. Grace was nice enough to walk us around both NICUs and showed us the changes the hospital was making. They're remodeling the West NICU where Leila stayed, so there currently were no beds or babies in there. She took us in anyways and walking through the door I immediately looked to the corner where Leila's isolette was. It was like I was back there 2 years ago. Even though I never wanted us to be there, I was glad to be back. It's always felt like a second home even though we were only there 18 days. It was where I spent all my time with Leila and where Leila spent her whole life. She walked us around the current West NICU where all the babies were. I glanced in each room at the tiny little babies and their families visiting. I looked over at a mom with a tiny little bottle feeding her micro-preemie. I immediately broke down. Grace looked over at me and took me in her arms. She said she hoped it wasn't a bad cry...but it was a mixture of both. I was so happy that they were making such positive changes in the NICU for the families, but I was sad for us. I wish we got the chance to make it out of there with our baby alive. I wish we were one of the lucky ones. But then I remembered that all the love Leila brought to our lives and all the amazing people I've met because of her...and then I smiled. I was still sad for us, but happy for these other families. One thing I was upset about was that they got rid of the Butterfly Room where we spent private moments with Leila after she died. It was still called the Butterfly Room, but they painted over all the pretty butterflies with plain white paint. I don't know what the point of that was, but all the nurses were upset over it as well. Grace told us we should complain about it...and I will! This time though I want to suggest a purple dragonfly room. :) I hope they will at least consider it. We'll see. Anyways, overall I'm very happy Mustafa and I went to the NICU. Grace told us we were always welcome to visit anytime. I'll take her up on that offer for sure. Even though it's hard, I love being there.We found a dragonfly balloon at the store we got her flowers at. We had a pretty dragonfly balloon for her 1st birthday too. We always get lucky with those :-)
Oh I forgot to mention...unfortunately Kristin (our fave NICU nurse) wasn't there, but Grace gave her my contact info and talked to her about me coming. She said Kristin remembered us. I always knew she was genuine, but I think it's so sweet that she remembers exactly who Leila is and has so much love for her still...and always will. I hope I can see her again.
Leila baby,
I can't believe you're two years old today! Mommy misses you SO SO much and wishes you were here with us. It was definitely hard to go back to the NICU without you, but being able to walk around there again and talk about you with the nurses felt good. Even though you're not here with us I'm sure you were looking down today and smiling. Today was a very sad day for your mama but also a reminder that you have so many people who love and adore you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I can't wait for the day that I can hold you again and sing Happy Birthday to you in person.
I love you sweetness. Happy 2nd Birthday baby girl!
Love,
Mommy
