Didn't do enough!

This whole week school has been putting these thoughts back into my head. Couldn't they have done more to save her? WHY didn't they see the signs of NEC sooner? She could have lived. The doctor told me "it wasn't as bad as we thought"...oh REALLY?! Then WHY the hell did she die less than 12 hours later? Why did I get that call at 5 am telling me to spend time with my daughter because she wasn't doing well? I knew what that meant. Why were you so misleading? I knew something was wrong. I just had a feeling. A mother's intuition? Maybe. How about it was OBVIOUS as HELL something wasn't right. She was FINE the day before, somewhere something went wrong. DON'T tell me to blame it on the prematurity. She was a fighter damnit! She was tiny, but she was a fighter. Maybe you pushed her too hard. Her stomach couldn't handle the breast milk with all the additives. Why couldn't you just give her my breast milk like she should have only had in the first place? Maybe it could have done its job by itself! Why couldn't she take her time in growing? WHY did she have to get pushed to gain weight so fast? She was less than 3 weeks old! She had time. None of it makes sense to me. Her stomach had been distended for a while. WHY did no one suggest an x-ray then? Why chalk up to gas when NEC is such a common disease among pre-term infants? Why not check BEFORE it gets fatal? Why did you disapprove of surgery? I know she could have handled it. I told you she was a fighter. You all told me she most likely wouldn't live even after she was born and put in the NICU. SHE LIVED! I shouldn't be going to this remembrance ceremony for my daughter in a few weeks...I should be home with my 6 month old celebrating her life! This is SO unfair! I just don't understand and NO ONE understands how I feel. I feel alone. I am alone, yet again. I'm in this ALL alone. People think I should be OK now but I'm NOT. I'm NOT OK with my daughter dying. I'm NOT OK with having to live life without her. I'm NOT OK with having to visit her at a cemetery. I'm NOT OK with ANY of this. I want her back. I need her back. I really don't know how I'll live the rest of my life without her. I don't know how I've come this far already. I don't want to go any further though. I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest again. Nothing specific to make me feel this way tonight in particular, I just feel like complete shit. I have a headache from crying so much. I'm just emotionally drained. I feel like I should have fought harder. I didn't do enough!

*As I'm writing this I hear my dragonfly wind chime making a lot of noise. I haven't heard it in a few days, maybe it's Leila trying to comfort me?...*

Leila,

Tonight I just feel so alone mamas. Hugging your blanket isn't going to bring me comfort because your smell is not there anymore. It smells like myself and that isn't comforting at all. It just makes me feel more alone and I hate that YOU aren't cuddling with me in that blanket. You should be here. I should have fought harder for you. Mama didn't do enough to save you. I should have pushed for the surgery and I'm SO sorry I didn't. They told me there was no way you'd survive it but WHAT do they know?! I mean SURE, they are doctors but they aren't your mama. They didn't have faith like I did. I was SO overwhelmed with the news they had just given me that I couldn't even think straight. I didn't think to ask more questions. I'm sorry Leila, Mama's sorry. You survived your birth, you survived so many things and the life that you DID live was a happy one. I know you would have survived. I'm SO sorry sweetie :'( I just miss you so much tonight. Please visit me tonight. Kiss your mama on the cheek goodnight. I need to feel your presence wash over me, even if just for a moment. Please :(

I love you sweetness!

Love,

Mommy

Only God can judge me!

I don't know about you but I am EXTREMELY irritated with people and their fucking opinions on how others should live their lives. It seems to be the theme of the week. If you don't agree with abortion who the fuck cares, but to say anyone who gets an abortion is a MURDERER is just a bit too much for me. Excuse me for stating my opinion but last I checked we have freedom of speech. I never told you DON'T SAY THAT, I just stated MY freakin' opinion on the "issue". So don't tell me "it's not up for argument". Once again last I freakin checked this was a free country and I could say whatever the hell I want to in response to what you choose to say. I know this is a touchy subject but SHIT if you didn't want anyone to disagree with you or challenge you then don't put that shit out in the public where anyone can piss you off by simply stating their opinion. I guess I'm SO tired of being judged myself that it makes me want to stick up for anyone else being judged when they choose to do certain things in their own lives. I don't know...who knows, maybe I'm contradicting myself in a lot of situations. Yes, everyone judges. Don't say you don't, I know I do at times. Sometimes even without consciously doing it, you're doing it, BUT hmm I might be sticking my foot in my mouth when I say this...but, there's a time and a place. If that didn't come out right or if I'm contradicting myself then just disregard it, HELL I don't care what you do with it. Take it as you please. I mean this whole judging thing doesn't just end with this particular situation I'm referring to, it seems like with a lot of my BLM friends this is constantly an issue too. Friends don't understand or choose not to TRY to understand [if you ask me], so they judge you for the way you're grieving. FUCK OFF is all I have to say to that. Anyways, I really don't care if you feel the need to respond with something shitty, but know that if I don't agree with it I will state my opinion and we could possibly be going back and forth, but hey I don't mind a good challenge once in a while ;)

P.S. ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME!...Well said Pac!

The stupidity of people these days! and then there's hope again :)

Haven't written here in a while. I guess I have SO many things to say but it all seems so random so I don't know how to put it in one post. Now that I've waited so long to write it down I might not remember all that I wanted to say :/ Well here it goes.

The other day Mustafa and I went to hang out with a couple friends. One of his friends "S" meets up with us and as soon as he gets there decides to say a few things that particularly ticked me off. First he says, "Look at Kalia! Finally coming out of the apartment. She's usually on her computer all day." Um HELLO my DAUGHTER DIED not even 6 months ago! Are you trying to tell me that I should have come out any sooner and had "fun" with you guys while my daughter is buried in the freakin ground?! UGH. Then he says, "(Insert name I don't remember) is about to have my baby in about 2 weeks."...Why he chose to say that at this moment I will never understand. He KNOWS that our daughter died not so long ago. We're friends on facebook, he's HAD to have seen at least one of the THOUSANDS of posts I've written about my daughter and how hard it is. Last but NOT least, we say goodbye and he hugs me and shakes Mustafa's hand and tells us that we should come by and see the baby after she's born...Umm thanks but NO thanks. I do not particularly want to see your child because 1. I barely know you like that, 2. your ex-girlfriend who's carrying your child didn't do everything she could to make sure that baby was healthy yet I'm sure she will still get her child alive and well 3. I wouldn't necessarily call you father material and that makes me mad that you are on baby #2 with baby mama #2 while Mustafa and I had to bury our first child...call me bitter, SO WHAT!

Second incident with "friend" #2...if you are friends with me on facebook then perhaps you witnessed what went on. This was the status I wrote that day on facebook

"I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating :'("

"A" asked, "what why?" I began to remind her that my daughter had died not even 6 months ago hence my broken heart. I thought she must have forgotten somehow so I figured I'd remind her. She responded with, "look Kalia, she is in a MUCH better place than here, she's in heaven, nothing beats Heaven...She's happy. You should be as well love. She knows you miss her, but she's in the best place anyone can ask her." Now I'm not sure how you all feel about this but I was furious. She said look Kalia as if she were irritated with my constant status updates about missing my daughter. Well now I was irritated. HOW can she even begin to think that this response was OK?! A lot of my BLM friends responded in my defense and it seemed to have gotten her more involved. So she responded with, "C___, I saw a child die, I gave CPR, and i felt as if it was my child. What I said is true, I am a religious person, I know its not easy to lose a child, hardest thing anyone can go through, but what i said is true. The end." Now I think this goes without saying that she does NOT know what it's like to lose a child. AT ALL. I don't care if it "felt" like her child. SHE did not raise this child, she did not give birth to this child, she did not hold this child in her arms as he/she died, and she most definitely did NOT have to bury/cremate that child. It most definitely is NOT the same. There were tons of responses from a lot of angry BLM and for GOOD REASON. I was angry too. I'm not going to post everyones responses as it is just what you'd expect to hear from BLM coming to my defense. Here are her last two statements in response to other comments from friends of mine,

"true I dont have a child, and I will never feel the pain you guys went through, but I can't have children, which is horrible as well. Being sad and miserable isn't going to get you anywhere, it's ok to miss your child, and I didn't SAY SHE CAN'T CRY FOR HER CHILD A___. better to cry then hold it in. Sorry Kalia, you're a fighter, admire that about you."

"thank you for your sympathy...I saw Kalia when she was pregnant, and my god did it look beautiful. Made me cry cuz well, my position. I'm not saying she shouldn't miss her child, I'm saying it's not going to help her. I will never understand anything, since I can't have kids. I know I offended all of you, but I do always pray for Leila, the day she was born."

I will say it once again, she has NO idea what WE go through everyday. NO FREAKIN CLUE about the HELL we go through after the deaths of our children. I most definitely had to delete her. I couldn't stand being "friends" with someone who thought it would do me NO good to mourn over my child's death. I will definitely continue to grieve for the rest of my life and I will NEVER stop talking about Leila because anyone thinks I have done enough mourning already. I am SICK and TIRED of people thinking they know even HALF of what I feel or what I SHOULD feel. UGH!

Thank to ALL my WONDERFUL friends who continue to stick by my side. I truly appreciate it and love you all SO much for that and I'm so happy to have "met" all my BLM friends. I am truly grateful for our friendship and for the friendship of all my nieces and nephews (your babies) and my daughter Leila. We love you all!

OK I'm going to add something kind of random in here because well, I need to calm myself down.

We got another piece of mail from a very special BLM named Jess Malloy! She was thinking of us on Leila's 6 month birthday and sent something special for her. She wrote such kind and thoughtful words in the card that really does fit this post well. Here's a little insert from it, "It has been 6 months which I know some people think is 'long enough' to grieve. Those people do not understand." I definitely agree with you there Jess, that's why I thought this card fit so well with what comments I've been hearing lately about my grieving still. Also the little dragonfly card to the right of Leila with her name on it was REALLY thoughtful as well and SO cute. We LOVE it, thank you SO much Jessica! Jessica blogs over at Too beautiful for Earth: Surviving Miscarriages so please go send her some kind and thoughtful words when you get a chance. Thank you again Jessica! We are SO thankful!

Leila,

I just want you to give all of the babies up there a HUGE hug from me. I'm sure you know how special all of them are to me and that their mommies continue to give me hope. They continue to listen to me when I need to talk about you, they continue to speak your name with me, they continue to see the pain in my eyes behind my smiles. I love them all for that. Even though sometimes we don't all feel comforted by certain words I am comforted knowing that I have all of these beautiful women to lean on when I need them and they have me. You have SO many aunties now it's just unbelievable. It's sad knowing that we all have this one thing in common but sweet that we are all there for each other. *sigh* I love you mamas. It's so hard "living" life without you. I picture our lives if you were here and it makes me smile knowing that you'd have so many aunties that love you dearly. Given the circumstances I'm sure we wouldn't know each other if you were still here, but I'd like to imagine them still being in our lives had things turned out differently.

I love and miss you SO much Leila!

Love always,

Mommy

Happy 6 months my daughter!

Today is...blah. I can't believe 6 months have passed since my baby girl was born. It just seems so surreal. I have a daughter, yes but I don't feel that way at all. I find myself going out of my way to let everyone know I do have a daughter. I can't believe this is my daily goal. Each day I hope one more person asks about her. Each day I pray someone will look at my necklace and ask me if those are my baby's footprints. Why can't I just be taking care of a 6 month old rather than worry about what everyone else thinks? Keeping her memory alive is all I have anymore. There's nothing I can do to bring her back, I can only fight to keep her memory alive. I honestly feel like there is no hope. I never knew I could love so intensely until she came into my life and now that she's gone I feel like there's nothing else to live for. My feelings of loneliness only continue to get stronger. I hate this :(

Leila,

6 months ago you were born the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. I knew we had a little fighter on our hands. I know you would have given me tons of trouble growing up but I admit I would have loved every bit of it. I would do anything to have more moments with you, to watch you grow into a toddler, a young girl, a teenager, an adult...*sigh* every moment with you I am missing out on and it kills me. I wanted to walk you down the aisle with your daddy when you got married. I wanted to have dinner every night with you and my grandchildren. It's like your whole life flashed before my eyes before I even got a chance to get used to the fact that you're my baby. I love you and I miss you more than I can bear right now. Please visit me in my dreams baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

One of those nights :/

Tonight is one of those nights. I miss my baby to NO end. I've cried a lot tonight.

Today my little brother had a friend's birthday party to attend, so I came along. Of course there were babies there. It hurt like hell to see them. It's not even seeing the babies themselves that hurt me, it's more the parents who have these babies. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are. Do they realize that babies die all the time? Do they realize what a miracle those little lives are. Can they even imagine if they were to lose any of them the next day. One day they're in your arms and then next their gone. I hope they love them endlessly like I love Leila.

Another mama that I'm a follower of has her baby boy in the NICU right now. She updated and spoke of her baby's neighbor that just went to join his twin brother in heaven. I cried for another baby "lost". It's just too much. Like I said on my facebook...I will NEVER understand why babies die. Please pray for these babies and their family :'(

Today reminded me of the day before Leila died. That night I had gone to NICU Pizza night at the hospital. It was like a meet and greet for NICU parents. After talking with the woman who put the pizza night together I felt SO relieved. She had 3 babies who were preemies. Her last one was a micro-preemie born at 26 weeks and she was now a perfectly healthy little girl (about 3 or 4 years old I think). I felt hope again. As I told my story to the other parents they all looked in amazement. 20 years old and just gave birth to a micro-preemie. One of the grandmothers of a preemie said she would pray for us. I was so grateful for that. We already had SO many people praying for us but definitely needed all the prayers we could get. Another woman there had gone through IVF and had triplets. She gave birth prematurely and one of the babies died. The other two were in the NICU at the time. I remember her being such a bitter woman. She kind of rubbed us all the wrong way. There was another woman who was talking about her baby being in the NICU for a few weeks and the woman whose baby died cut her off and said (not verbatim) yea well at least your baby's still alive, mine was in the NICU and we did everything we could for her and she still died. Your baby being in the NICU is nothing like my baby dying. I was pissed that she said that and you could tell everyone was pretty upset. Now...I hate to say it, but I understand her. I am that woman. Bitter. Bitter about every moment someone gets with their child. I HATE THAT. I don't want to be this way, but I just can't help it. I would never wish bad things on anyone especially not an innocent baby, I just feel like it's completely unfair. How are we picked? Who decides who goes and stays? What is the purpose of taking someone's child away from them? I just don't understand and I hate that there are so many of us. Will it ever end?

Leila,

Please mama, welcome baby boy and his twin brother with open arms when you meet them. I'm sure their parents are hurting just as much as I am without you, but knowing that you are not alone up there really does ease my pain. You have SO many people that love you down here and SO many up there with you. I am grateful for that at least. I hope you sleep well tonight little one.

I love you with ALL my heart.

Love,

Mommy

So Alone.

Tonight I just feel SO alone...so utterly, completely and hopelessly alone. My boyfriend is "out" and I'm home alone catching up on reading blogs.

Kangaroo time was the trigger today. A mama got some Kangaroo time with her baby boy in the NICU yesterday. The pictures were SO adorable and I couldn't help but remember what I'm missing out on. We got 18 days with Leila. I got to hold her for the very first time when she was 16 days old. That was 2 days before she died. She was still so tiny [smaller than what she was when she was born] and most medical professionals wouldn't let parents hold a baby that fragile. I am SO thankful..SO SO thankful for Nurse Julie that allowed me to hold her that day. It was April 7th. When I walked into the NICU that day I had NO idea what was on the agenda. It was Julie's first day being assigned to our baby so I hadn't had an opinion about her yet. I walked in and she immediately greeted me with a smile. Not a fake "it's just my job" type of smile. She was warm and I could tell I was going to like her before she even spoke to me. Mustafa and I stood next to Leila's isolette when Julie asked if I'd like to hold her that day. If you could see the smile on my face you'd think I was a 5 year old on Christmas morning opening the present I'd been waiting to get for a year now. I was SO happy. Words can't even describe the feeling that overwhelmed me. Mustafa was so happy for me too. He said "aww baby you're gonna get to hold her!" Nothing could ruin that day. Nothing. I sat in the chair and waited eagerly as Julie and the respiratory therapist got Leila ready for me. They lifted her tiny body and she cried. She cried for the very first time and Mustafa and I heard it. Her cry although very low was music to our ears. We looked at each other and smiled SO hard you wouldn't believe. Our baby actually cried! I've always heard parents complain about their children crying, but when you're child is born and makes no sound, you hope, wish and pray you're in a nightmare. All you want is to hear their cry to let you know they are OK. I didn't get that beautiful birth experience with Leila, so this was more than an amazing gift. Finally she was placed on my chest. I was scared to say the least. I have a picture of the exact moment they placed her on my chest and the facial expression I was making is priceless. Nothing I would ever show to anyone...I looked scared. I'm GREAT with babies and kids, but my own baby? My 1 pound 7 ounce baby...that was a different story. I had NO idea what to expect. She got comfortable and fell asleep quickly. I don't think anything in my whole entire life can top the way I felt at that moment. I kept saying in my head WOW, WOW. I can't believe this. She is really mine. This is my baby. I'm holding my baby. I thought if I said it over and over again I'd believe it. It was just too surreal. We both fell asleep in each other's arms. We were so comfortable with each other and I was absolutely LOVING every minute of it. I wish I had taken more pictures. Pictures I may not have much of, but the memories I will cherish 'til the day she is in my arms once again.

I didn't want to put her back but after about an hour Julie had to take her back to her isolette. The moment had come and gone too fast. I would die to relive it again. I truly would.

Leila,

I know I wrote you earlier but I feel like I really need you tonight. Mommy's feeling really lonely and it helps to just remember our Kangaroo time together (the BEST moment of my whole entire life). You truly lift my spirits in moments of sadness and I hope you can do something to lift it again. Please visit me in my dreams tonight baby girl...no pressure, I just want to hear your voice again like last time and be able to touch you. I know you're so far away, but I hope you can ask the man upstairs if one visit [for now] will be alright. I miss you SO much sweetness.

Mommy loves you Leila.

Love always,

Mama

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder why I haven't died of a broken heart already. You know, like you see in the movies? an old man dies and his wife dies shortly after from "natural causes" but you know it's really because she couldn't live without her true love...it happened with my great grandparents. So why haven't I died from "natural causes" yet? I'm open to it, so why won't it just happen already? My daughter IS my true love and she's dead now and here I am still roaming the Earth aimlessly. Life doesn't make sense. I'm so bitter about everything right now and tired of hearing other people's problems. Not all yours of course because your problems are my problems (in the bigger picture) but just petty things I'm so tired of hearing about. I've lost SO many friends after my daughter died and I know this is nothing new but it bothers me...REALLY bothers me. My best friend I can't even call a friend anymore. We barely talk but when we do it's always about his problems. I wonder when I will reach my limit. I thought I had already but I guess the big man upstairs doesn't think so...or maybe "that's just life" like they always say...I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm tired of it.

Leila,

*sigh* I miss you SO much little lady. I've been seeing SO many babies recently and it always makes me wonder how you would be if you were still here. I wonder how you'd smile or laugh. I know your smile would just melt my heart. I will never understand why you had to go. Don't worry, I'm not blaming you sweetie I'm just so sad that you had to leave. Life isn't fair :( It's not fun without you. I had made SO many plans for us and now they're all just dreams that never came true. I hate being so negative but when you grow up someday you'll understand. Or do you not grow up in Heaven? I wish there was some way I just knew what was going on up there. Don't I have visitation rights? I am your Mama shouldn't I be able to at least see you? Does that make me selfish? Should I be happy you are up there without a care or worry in the world? I know I should be, but it's hard because I just want you with me. I guess that does make me selfish. I wonder if you miss me too. Do you ever think of your Mama or are you too busy having so much fun with your friends up there? OK baby girl I think that's enough questions for now. I hope to see you soon in my dreams.

I love you mamas

Love,
Mommy

The day she died *possible triggers*

Today I was just looking at the March of Dimes website and seen a "Fight for preemies" bracelet and it just brought me back to the days when Leila was in the NICU. Today it just seems so surreal to me. I am the mother to my little micro-preemie. It seems like forever ago that I held her for the first time...too long ago. I don't like that time is going by so fast. I don't want to forget anything. I hate that it seems like some days I forget and then something reminds me that I'm still a Mom. I just don't feel like one. Last night I was hugging Leila's blanket close to me like I do every night and I wondered what it would be like to cuddle with that blanket and her in it. How would it feel to have my warm baby in the bed with me taking deep breaths letting me know she's still alive. I want to be able to imagine it, but it's hard because I don't know that reality. The only reality I know is holding a cold lifeless baby's body with me in the bed.

I don't know if I ever posted about this but if I did then I apologize for repeating it and if I didn't then here it is. *A part of it is in the page that says "Leila's NICU stay" but I thought I'd expand a little*

The morning Leila died we decided that we wanted to get her buried right away. I didn't want her sitting alone in some morgue for a week in the dark. I just couldn't bear the thought of it. It seemed like time was going by so fast though and it was almost too late to drive an hour away to the cemetery she would be buried at. We called the cemetery and made arrangements to try anyways. We would be transporting her ourselves so the hospital had to release her body to me. It was easier than I thought it would be. We took the paperwork for proof just in case we got pulled over and I walked out of the Butterfly Room with my baby in tow as all the nurses and parents stared at me with my face covered in tears. I hated that they had to see us like that. I felt so vulnerable. I was angry that WE were the ones walking out with our dead baby. Why were we the "chosen ones"?

Leila's new nurse took us out the back way so no one would ask me to see the baby as we walked out. In a sense I almost felt like I wanted to be seen by everyone so they'd know that I was her mother. On the other hand I couldn't handle anyone asking to see my baby and me having to tell them she was dead. Can you imagine being the one asking to see a baby and the mother telling you she can't because the baby's dead? I'd die from guilt.

We walk to the car where my mom and stepdad are waiting. My two friends are also in the car because they have been there all morning to show their support and they wanted to come with us to bury her. I decided against a funeral. I didn't want to share Leila with the people outside of my circle. I wanted her all to myself. My mom asked me multiple times whether I was sure about my decision and told me that she didn't want me to regret it. There were family members in Washington waiting for us to let them know it's OK because they also wanted to be there for us. I said no, we were going to do this alone. My mom was on the phone with someone from the funeral home who said it was now too late to bury her today. They said we could bring Leila's body to the morgue and come back tomorrow morning to have her buried. I cried and told my mom I couldn't leave her there with those strangers. She told that to the person on the phone and they said we could keep her for the night.

(Some of you might think this as weird, creepy, morbid etc. but you never know what you will do in that certain situation.)

I said OK. I would keep her for the night. The funeral home said she would be OK for one night...By OK they mean her body wouldn't decompose too much. I hate even saying that but that was the reality of it all. We drove an hour back home and Mustafa and I stayed at my parent's house. They said Mustafa, Leila and I could take their room for the night. We didn't want to freak the kids (my little brother and sisters) out so when we got home we went upstairs and kept the door locked. They asked about me a couple times but my mom kept telling them I wanted to be alone for the night.

The whole night I didn't want to put Leila down. Even if I had to go the bathroom I told my mom to come in the room and hold her for a while. My uncle (mom's brother) would be flying in from Idaho that night. I had changed my mind and said we would be having a small graveside service the next morning. My mom was right. I would have regretted it if I didn't agree to more family being there. My Uncle arrived but I didn't go downstairs to say hi. I stayed in the room with Leila all night. I kissed her cold head and wished I had kissed it when she was alive. She had severe brain hemorrhaging in the NICU so I wasn't sure if kissing her head would hurt her or not. She was wrapped in her pink polka dot blanket with the sheep on it and nothing but her head exposed. Throughout the night I thought about opening the blanket and looking at her body, but I was too scared. I didn't know what it would look like after she was dead. Right before she died her stomach was hard, distended and purple from the NEC. Her toes were purple as well and I just didn't know if they would look much worse. I felt like a bad Mom because I couldn't even look at my baby. I just didn't want to see her hurt. :(

Mustafa washed her body while we were in the Butterfly Room and wrapped her in her blanket. He seen her body after she was already gone but I just couldn't. The whole night Mustafa never asked to hold her or see her. He told me he was scared she would decompose throughout the night. [Not in those exact words, but that's what he meant] In his culture he's not supposed to look at the face of the dead with sadness because they are in a better place, so he chose not to look at her at all; but he knew I needed this. My Auntie in California was getting updates throughout our hospital stay from my Mom, so my Mom called her after Leila died and told her what happened. She also told her that we were keeping her body for the night. My Auntie told her she didn't think it was right (not in a mean way, she just didn't understand it). I honestly didn't care. No one I know has ever been through what we had just been through, so I didn't expect everyone to agree with what I was doing.

The night was kind of blur, but I do actually remember having a sense of humor and cracking a joke or two to lighten the mood. How the hell that happened, I don't know. I'm sure I was still in shock.

Ahh...now I remember a little of the night. Mustafa had gotten fast food for us to eat in the room. We had chili cheese fries and watched a little TV. Now that I think about it I don't know HOW the hell I didn't fall out with grief that night. Maybe it was the fact that I felt comforted Leila was in my arms?...I'm not sure. It's all fucked up any way you look at it. We went to bed and still I held her. I readjusted to make sure she was comfortable...but who was I kidding? She didn't care. I kissed her goodnight and we (Mustafa and I) fell asleep. I woke up once throughout the night and realized she wasn't in my arms. She was lying in between Mustafa and I and I was pissed that I had let her go. I quickly scooped her back into my arms and went back to sleep.

The next morning we buried our daughter. I'm not ready to write more about that day and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to, so for now this will do.

It's all still unbelievable to me.

Leila,

Now that I'm remembering your life and death I feel SO guilty because we kept going with care. I feel BEYOND guilty that I let the doctors and nurses poke you and take blood so many times for so many days. I hated seeing them do that to you, but I thought eventually it would bring you home with us. In a way it did, but not the way I had envisioned. I'm SO sorry mommy let them do that. I feel so selfish and I just don't want you to think I meant to hurt you. I did everything I could to save you and I hope you know that. I love you with ALL my heart and couldn't imagine life without you...but now I am living it. I hate living without you. Time has gone by WAY too fast and soon you will have been 6 months old. I wish so badly that you were still here. I don't care if we'd have MILLIONS of dollars in medical bills or if I'd have to quit my job to take care of you in case you'd have special needs...I just want you here. :(

I Miss You Leila!!!

Love always,

Mommy

Name/design change

I'm thinking of changing the name to my blog. Any ideas? I'm also going to redesign the blog soon just because I've recently gotten into blog designing with scrapbook kits and I LOVE IT! The only reason why I decided to change it is because it would make me very happy to be able to design the blog myself for my baby girl.

Thank you SO much Franchesca for designing The Butterfly Room for Leila and I when I first started it. I absolutely LOVE it and have gotten so many compliments on it.

P.S. If any of you are thinking of doing a redesign or you're just now starting a blog and want a beautiful design I HIGHLY recommend contacting Franchesca at Small Bird Studio.

A "good" day ruined...

The past few days I have been having "good" days. I was quite surprised actually. But of course, it didn't last long. One quick slip and I'm down again. I'm at work and a woman who works in an office next to mine brought her newborn to show off to my boss. My boss in all her excitement spoke about just HOW many babies there were in this office now. Her and a co-worker of mine were saying it was "the year of babies", since babies have been popping out since last December. There is only one woman left waiting to give birth. [insert vomiting noise]

#1 bringing a newborn in the office will always be a trigger for me. When I was pregnant I was SO excited to return to work with baby in hand while my co-workers OOHED and AHHED over Leila.

#2 did my boss or co-worker even think about what they were talking about before they had this conversation? Don't they know the girl 2 feet away's baby died? Did they ever think that it would be hard for me to hear about all this baby talk? Doubt it...they must think I'm "over it".

and last but not least
#3 couldn't this woman shut her baby up at least? Do I really have to hear the newborn cries that I so desperately wanted to hear from Leila when she was born? But no, my daughter's lungs were not ready for her to cry.

Sad, right? Yea...maybe I am just a bitter woman now. I will always and forever be scorned no matter how many rainbows enter my life...if at all. That's all for today...can't wait for a new day to start.

Leila sweetie,

I'm SO sorry our lives are so different than we expected...at least for me anyways. I never in a million years thought you wouldn't be here by this time of year. We were supposed to have spent the whole summer together. Instead I spent it with your daddy, grandparents and aunties and uncle. That's not a bad thing, but I definitely wished you were here more than anything. I was looking forward to the days when I'd be bringing you to work with me to show off to everyone. Instead, when you were born your Tutu brought pictures to my job to show them your precious little face and tell them what was going on with your mama. Thinking about this makes me miss the NICU so much. I miss going there everyday. It was your only home during your life and my second home. Your Daddy and I are taking a week off work to spend time together before school starts for me again. We plan on eating lunch at the cafeteria in the hospital you were born at. Whoever said cafeteria was nasty has NEVER been to this one! :) I think it will do us some good to go back to the place you were born. Maybe we'll even be able to speak to someone about those donations I planned on giving in your name. I miss you my sweet baby and cannot wait for the day I hold you in my arms again.

I love you mamas!

Love,
Mommy

Tainted Holidays

Yesterday I made a trip to Michael's (the craft store). If you guys didn't know already...I'm obsessed with this store. Anyways I spent some time in there and noticed that the holiday decorations are already out. I'm a holiday fanatic, but I realize this year will be much different. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday; I just LOVE the music, Lifetime's 25 days of Christmas, decorations, the smell of winter, fires, blankets to keep me cozy, hot chocolate, giving presents etc. This list goes on, but one thing that will absolutely be missing this year is Leila. Last Christmas was much different. At the time no one knew I was about 13 weeks pregnant and I kept my secret up until the day after Christmas (didn't want to ruin the holiday as I knew my parents would NOT be happy). Anyways, I had counted on her being here for Christmas 2010 and now life is SO much different than I had anticipated and my daughter won't be here ever again. I never thought my holidays that I loved so much could be tainted forever. I realize now that each holiday from now until the end of my days will be bitter-sweet. Leila will always be on my mind and I have a feeling these days will be the hardest for me. These are the times when the whole family gets together but a part of my family is missing. That makes me feel truly alone. I've told you all about my Tutu and every holiday after her death I was reminded that she wasn't here. Every year I watch my mom cry on her trigger days like these and now I will be joining her. But I will be grieving for my Tutu and my only daughter :'( I just don't know how I'll get through this.

Leila,

Mommy is going to miss you SO much over the holidays. OF COURSE I miss you every day and minute in between, but the holidays will truly break my heart. I wish I could be spoiling you on days like these, but instead I have to find ways to keep your memory alive in the minds of others. Speaking of, a friend of mine on facebook messages me today and tells me that every time she reads my status about you she sees a dragonfly. She lives in Kaumana and it's not often that they get dragonflies. I'm SO thankful for the little signs you give me each day to show me you are here. I love you baby girl!

...The holidays just won't be the same without you here though. Looks like I will have to find "different" kinds of presents to buy you for Christmas and birthdays and holidays like those. *sigh* I'm sorry things are like this mamas. I just wish you were here little one! *sigh*

Love always,
Mama

Our babies: what are they like?

Today I'm going to skip over the post about my camping trip...It's just getting too long now I'd rather start one for today instead lol I will post that one later. Anyways today is Gabriel's 1st ANGELVERSARY. His 1st birthday was on September 4th and today the 8th we are celebrating one year in heaven! His Mommy Sara Thompson blogs here at As long as I will live, you will live,so if you have a chance please go over and show her some support today. Sara and I were talking via text and she was saying, "I wonder if Gabriel's met Tupac yet, that would make me very happy." I laughed and said I sure do hope so and I hope he introduced Leila too because we loooove him. Thinking about this put a huge smile on my face. I love that even though our babies aren't with us physically, we can still imagine how they would act, the things they would like etc. I always wondered about Leila's features when she got chubby [like I know she would have been]. I picture her hair being bushy and curly. If you all could see Mustafa's little sister's hair you'd say WHOA [lol] It's SO cute, but since I can't post a picture of her here let me find one on google to show you what I think Leila's hair would look like...

There we go...


YUP this is exactly how I picture it :D OH MY what would I have done with her hair?! She would've had it braided it up all the time. :) I hope she wouldn't be tender headed like my little sisters, otherwise we'd have a problem! I wonder if she'd have big juicy lips like her daddy [lol] I've always loved his lips and hoped hers would look like his, but since her mouth was always surrounded by wires I never really got a chance to see them. Her toes I knew straight out of the womb were her Daddies. She had that longest middle toe that I always made fun of her Daddy for [lol], but her little toes I ADORED. It's funny that Gabriel also has the SAME middle toe that's the longest. They say that long middle toe on a woman means they're STRONG, [in spirit I think]. That totally holds true for her; even though she was so little I knew she was a VERY strong little baby. She had a personality already regardless of what anyone says/thinks. I miss my little Leila boo! Her eyes were very dark, but she was a baby so I expected them to change. I wonder what color they would have been. My dad has blue eyes and my mom brown. My mom thought for sure I'd pull the blue eyes, but I ended up with brown. But OOOO wouldn't that have been pretty? :) Dark hair and dark skin with bright blue eyes...Who knows, maybe Leila would have pulled her Grandpa's eyes. Music: I KNOW Leila loves rap music like her mama and like Alyssa and her mama Ann! Ann and I joke about them having westcoast/eastcoast beef [lol] but we know they get along because their mamas love each other dearly, how can they not?! :D

I was reading more personality traits for Aries babies and boy is it pretty funny, not to mention it describes Leila to a tee lol here goes an insert from what I've been reading,

"Aries child has to have all your attention at any cost. As far as she is concerned, she is the boss and you have no right to ignore her."

HAHA I LOVE this...She is the boss?!

Well Leila, Mama has to tell you now, I am the BOSS :) but I know sometimes you feel more grown than you really are. You're a special baby like that; you always get things done before your time i.e. you opened your eyes before you were "supposed to" and I'm sure you would have been walking and talking before most babies your age. But hey maybe I'm partial to you because you're MY baby :)

Anyways enough bragging about you...I could go on and on all day :D I LOVE YOU MY BABY and miss you dearly. Oh and I can't wait to read you your favorite book again!

Love always,
Mama

P.S. If any of you want to brag about your babies or tell everyone what they like, would look like etc. feel free to comment here with all that good stuff :)

Oh and another thing, if you commented on my last post about including your babies when I went camping, I've uploaded them on my facebook so if we are friends take a look at the 'Angels' album, but if we're not then you can just message me and I'll send it to you. :)