Didn't do enough!

This whole week school has been putting these thoughts back into my head. Couldn't they have done more to save her? WHY didn't they see the signs of NEC sooner? She could have lived. The doctor told me "it wasn't as bad as we thought"...oh REALLY?! Then WHY the hell did she die less than 12 hours later? Why did I get that call at 5 am telling me to spend time with my daughter because she wasn't doing well? I knew what that meant. Why were you so misleading? I knew something was wrong. I just had a feeling. A mother's intuition? Maybe. How about it was OBVIOUS as HELL something wasn't right. She was FINE the day before, somewhere something went wrong. DON'T tell me to blame it on the prematurity. She was a fighter damnit! She was tiny, but she was a fighter. Maybe you pushed her too hard. Her stomach couldn't handle the breast milk with all the additives. Why couldn't you just give her my breast milk like she should have only had in the first place? Maybe it could have done its job by itself! Why couldn't she take her time in growing? WHY did she have to get pushed to gain weight so fast? She was less than 3 weeks old! She had time. None of it makes sense to me. Her stomach had been distended for a while. WHY did no one suggest an x-ray then? Why chalk up to gas when NEC is such a common disease among pre-term infants? Why not check BEFORE it gets fatal? Why did you disapprove of surgery? I know she could have handled it. I told you she was a fighter. You all told me she most likely wouldn't live even after she was born and put in the NICU. SHE LIVED! I shouldn't be going to this remembrance ceremony for my daughter in a few weeks...I should be home with my 6 month old celebrating her life! This is SO unfair! I just don't understand and NO ONE understands how I feel. I feel alone. I am alone, yet again. I'm in this ALL alone. People think I should be OK now but I'm NOT. I'm NOT OK with my daughter dying. I'm NOT OK with having to live life without her. I'm NOT OK with having to visit her at a cemetery. I'm NOT OK with ANY of this. I want her back. I need her back. I really don't know how I'll live the rest of my life without her. I don't know how I've come this far already. I don't want to go any further though. I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest again. Nothing specific to make me feel this way tonight in particular, I just feel like complete shit. I have a headache from crying so much. I'm just emotionally drained. I feel like I should have fought harder. I didn't do enough!

*As I'm writing this I hear my dragonfly wind chime making a lot of noise. I haven't heard it in a few days, maybe it's Leila trying to comfort me?...*

Leila,

Tonight I just feel so alone mamas. Hugging your blanket isn't going to bring me comfort because your smell is not there anymore. It smells like myself and that isn't comforting at all. It just makes me feel more alone and I hate that YOU aren't cuddling with me in that blanket. You should be here. I should have fought harder for you. Mama didn't do enough to save you. I should have pushed for the surgery and I'm SO sorry I didn't. They told me there was no way you'd survive it but WHAT do they know?! I mean SURE, they are doctors but they aren't your mama. They didn't have faith like I did. I was SO overwhelmed with the news they had just given me that I couldn't even think straight. I didn't think to ask more questions. I'm sorry Leila, Mama's sorry. You survived your birth, you survived so many things and the life that you DID live was a happy one. I know you would have survived. I'm SO sorry sweetie :'( I just miss you so much tonight. Please visit me tonight. Kiss your mama on the cheek goodnight. I need to feel your presence wash over me, even if just for a moment. Please :(

I love you sweetness!

Love,

Mommy