I'm sitting here hugging Leila's blanket and staring at her picture. I hate this holiday...I really do. I'm not really a mother anymore...at least I don't feel like one at all. People walk past me and don't see a child in my arms...they don't see me as a mother and neither do I. The first Mother's day I had was exactly a month after Leila died. It goes without saying that it wasn't easy at all. I guess I thought it would get easier...who was I kidding? I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out feeling so sorry for myself again...and here I go again asking the same questions...why did MY child have to die? Why her? Why ME? On top of that most of my own family doesn't recognize me as a mother :'( That hurts the most, but I get it. They either don't feel comfortable saying it because they think it'll make me upset..or they don't think they should say it because I'm NOT a mother anymore...either way it's all shitty. This is #2 of MANY to come...devastating...I'm devastated, heartbroken and emotionally drained. I don't know how I've made it this far and knowing I have many more to go (unless of course something happens to me unexpectedly) just kills me. Why does anyone have to go through life with their child/ren dead? It doesn't make sense...never will. No matter how many times I try to rationalize it, it never.gets.easier...never. My biological dad just added me on facebook...random and weird...and do you think he'll say Happy Mother's Day to me? Fuck.no. I'd roll over and die before I'd expect to hear anything from him acknowledging Leila...but does it hurt my feelings? Hell yes it does.
Mustafa gave me a kiss this morning and told me Happy Mother's Day before I went to work. He's a sweetheart and doesn't really know what to say to make me feel better, but I appreciate the acknowledgement. My family and I went to breakfast this morning...of course everyone was there for Mother's Day. Mothers and babies EVERYWHERE...I shouldn't have gone but it was for my mom that I went. My uncle called my mom to say Happy Mother's day to her and I. I just started bawling in the restaurant :'( I seen one lady stare at me as I burst into tears and do you think I gave a fuck? NO. I really don't care anymore who feels uncomfortable with what I do or say about my baby dying. I'm over it. Anyways...wishing babyloss mamas everywhere a peaceful Mother's Day and wishing I could give you all a hug in person. Love you guys, thank you for being my rock.
Leila,
Mama hasn't been here in a while. I haven't forgotten about you of course. I'm sorry I didn't come see you while I was in town yesterday. :'( I really wanted to but no one could make time to take me over there. I'm really sorry sweetie. I miss you SO much and today hurts my heart knowing that I don't get to spend it with you. You are all I want for Mother's Day and I can't have you. It just isn't fair. I hope Tutu and Tutu Nui are taking good care of you up there and I don't doubt that they are. I only wish it was me being able to do all those things for you. Please wish Tutu & Tutu Nui a very Happy Mother's Day for me baby. I miss you all and love you with ALL my heart.
Love,
