Not if but "when"

I hate that I've lost my innocence. I'm only 21...I know there is NO age that makes any of this easier but when you're a teen thinking about life when you turn 21, you usually don't think of getting pregnant...well of course some young girls are an exception to that assumption, but in general I mean. SO many people tell me, "You're young, finish school and then think about having more kids. You have time!" The way I think is, "when my next child dies...then how much more time will I really have left?"...I know this is terrible to say or think but I'd be lying if I said this isn't how I feel. You can't tell me to have hope because it's much easier said than done. I can't see past today much less months or years from now. You have faith that I will have a living child, but I don't. All I ask from you is that you keep that faith for me. If I can't have it I need someone else to keep it safe for me. Maybe your faith will help me get my rainbow someday. Maybe someday I can thank you for keeping that faith. Til then I will live day to day praying I will be so lucky to have an earth baby someday.

Leila,

Please visit your mama tonight. I haven't been having very good dreams lately and the best ones I've had have you in them. I really miss you and need your comfort lately. I just want to remind you that I will never stop talking about you no matter how many people judge me for the way I feel. They don't realize how much love you've brought to my life. They only see the sadness in my eyes and don't take the time to realize your life has brought SO MUCH more than sadness to me. The only reason why I'm sad is because your life ended so soon before I really got the chance to show you how much I truly, deeply love you and care for you. I want to do SO much good in your name and hope that I can do that during my time here on earth before I join you. I want to make you proud. Will you root for me baby?...I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.

Mama loves you!

My Birthday! (November 21st)

Today is my birthday (November 21st...just in case I don't finish this post today) and I thought I'd tell you all how my night went last night. So Mustafa had planned for us to go to Portland City Girl for my birthday, which is a really nice restaurant with the best view in the city. I was extremely excited and looking forward to it. He told me to meet him around 6 at his work since the reservation was for 7pm. Later on he told me plans changed to 7:30 and to meet him at 7. I was pretty irritated by this and didn't think the restaurant would let us keep our reservation considering it was a Saturday night and surely it was going to be busy. My stepdad was taking us since we currently don't have a car and it was too cold to walk around downtown with my dress on. I know it seems high-school-ish right? lol I think so too ;) Well anyways Mustafa told me he had ripped his pants and was PISSED about it. We had to go home and get him some new pants. Before we went home my stepdad said he had to go the store to get something while it was still on sale for the last day. Mustafa and I waited in the car for almost an hour. Now I was REALLY pissed. I didn't act like it though because I didn't want all that to ruin my night. Mustafa was in a bad mood and so was I. We decided to just go home. I had gotten dressed up for nothing! My stepdad said he REALLY had to use the bathroom so I had to let him in. I unlocked the door but noticed the top lock was locked too and it freaked me out since I never lock the top lock. I opened the door part way and seen things hanging from the ceiling. I said, "what the hell" and my stepdad had to push me in. I heard, "SURPRIIIIISE!" :D and BOY was I surprised! Everything was purple with nicely decorated...well everything! There were martini glasses with purple sugar around the rim..SO adorable...I finally put everything together [all the hints] over the past couple days and it all made since now. I had NO idea about the party so it was a really good surprise and I'm SO surprised everyone was able to keep it a secret for almost a month :) I have SUCH a wonderful family for helping Mustafa put it all together and SUCH a wonderful boyfriend! It was my 21st birthday and despite being consumed by my grief, this was the best birthday of my adult years I must say. We don't have that many pictures...I guess because everyone was having too much fun to take any lol but here are a couple...

The next day was my actual birthday and since I wanted to see Leila we made the drive to the cemetery. It was snowing on the way there but when we got to the cemetery there wasn't any snow, just really wet and muddy. We picked up flowers on the way and I picked purple and orange lilies. Purple were for Leila and orange for my Tutu. I didn't cry this time when going to visit her. I just felt defeated. I thought what more can I do to show her I miss her? To show anyone that will be able to bring her back? Nothing. I can't do anything. Today was a really hard day for me.

Leila,

There is no birthday present in the world I could ever receive that could be more special than you. You were my birthday present last year and this year all I wished for was to see you again. There were many times throughout my birthday party that I thought Leila should be here. I should be bringing her home with me and all my friends and family should be loving you at my party and paying no attention to me. I would have loved that. I wish you were here for your mama's birthday. I really missed you. I miss you everyday sweetie. I love you.

Love,

Mama

Kindness of a stranger

My mom and I were talking the other day about work and how one rude person can ruin your day so easily. We also talked about one person [a stranger] being able to pick you back up. I love those kind of people. She told me about a friend of hers years ago that told her a stranger saved her life one day. She was having a terrible day and didn't think she could go on (if ya know what I mean) when this man walking past her on the street smiled and told her to "smile, life is beautiful". That simple saying made her smile and literally saved her life. This morning I was on the train and a man politely asked if he could sit next to me. I never got a weird feeling from him so I was happy to offer the seat to him. He asked me if I knew where a certain building was on campus, I told him I was going that way and he could just follow me. We talked on the way there and he told me he was going to an interview for Law school to get a second degree. He had just moved to Portland from Philadelphia and loved it. We talked about other things on our short walk to the building and when we parted ways I told him good luck with the interview and take care. He patted me on the shoulder and said "thank you SO much and thank you for your concern." Just the way he looked at me like he truly felt good that I cared made ME feel good. :) Yesterday was a terrible day for me and today this man really made my day. Shoot I can't remember his name now but wherever he is THANK YOU SO MUCH! When my mom was telling me about random people that come into our lives and change it in just a brief moment, she said maybe it's our loved ones pushing them towards us to cheer us up. I believe I met this man today on purpose. He really did make my day! :)

Feeling sorry for myself

I'm tired of it. Today I can't even look at a picture of a child I don't know. I have no connection to this child...but it hurts to look at her. Leila will never be that age. I'll never be able to take a picture of her playing outside in the fall leaves with her beenie and boots on. I'll never be able to meet with my friends so Leila could have a play date with their children. I won't be able to even bring her name up in everyday conversation. Family will never ask how she is, what grade she's in now and comment on how much she's grown. I'll never see be able to register her for her first day of high school. I'll never watch her walk across the stage for graduation. I'll never see her go to college. I'll never see her for Sunday dinners. I'll never even know what her voice sounded like. I'll never know what our relationship would have been like. I'll never truly know my oldest child. :'***(

I don't feel like anything has changed. I don't miss her any less. I don't hurt any less. I hurt more. I miss when I was able to grieve freely. Now I have to do it in secret so I don't make people uncomfortable. I have to leave the room when I feel tears coming so I don't look like a crazy person for crying out of nowhere. The last post I put on facebook was about how I hated that no one talked about Leila and how I'm not uncomfortable talking about her so why are they. I also said that I can't smile in your face and pretend I'm happy when I didn't even hear an "I'm sorry for your loss". This status was particularly for my family. Besides BLM I got ONE response from my whole freaking family. ONE...my aunt messaged me and said "I'm sorry for your loss and I truly love you". Simple as that and it felt good. That's when I decided to take a break from facebook. I still check people's updates once in a while but I haven't posted another status since then. It hurts too much to pour my heart out and get nothing in return...so this is where I have to do it.

I can't concentrate on school. I have two midterms next week and I haven't done anything for them. No homework done this weekend and no studying done...nothing. *sigh*I feel like it's all going downhill...

One year ago

Today, last year was Friday the 13th. As some of you may recall in Leila's story this was the morning we found out I was pregnant. Well, I pretty much knew the night before but decided to wait til morning to test. I wanted to be sure before I told Mustafa the news. No, we were not trying to get pregnant but I guess you could say we weren't preventing it either. We knew the consequences but I guess that didn't matter at the time. Stupid, I know, but it is what it is. We weren't at a point in our relationship where we thought let's have kids, but it had crossed my mind at one point or another that he would be the person I'd have kids with...which is pretty silly if you knew Mustafa. Not exactly the settling down type of person...well at least you'd think at first glance. Yes, he likes to party, yes he likes to go out and have his freedom. But I must say he's changed SO much from the beginning of our relationship til now [in a good way definitely!]. When I first met him I didn't expect to really be in a "serious" relationship with him. Like I said, he wasn't the settling down type. He's the complete opposite of me in every way and I think it's true what they say (in some cases) "opposites attract". This might sound weird to say, but he's everything I've wanted to be myself...well I don't mean the whole person he is, I just mean the fact that he's very outgoing, funny, silly, LOUD, obnoxious at times, etc etc. I'm a person with very few friends [my choice lol] and I don't go out much. If I'm not studying or working, I spend my free time on my computer mostly. I like to go out, but not to clubs, parties or any place there might be drunk idiots around lol...anywho I'm more of a family oriented kinda girl. I have fun when I spend time with family. That's why I've always wanted a big family for myself...6 kids at LEAST. I've always pictured my children growing up REALLY close together...the "ride or die" kinda siblings I've always hoped for. I picture me as an older woman in a beautiful home like the one you see on "Father of the Bride"...the kids will grow up and eventually leave and start their own families, but they will ALWAYS come back home for the holidays. I've always had that dream. I think I get it from my Mom. She's always told me that no matter who my husband ends up being I better be sure to tell him that Thanksgiving and Christmas are HER holidays. She wants ALL her children and grandchildren at their house for the holidays...and I can definitely respect that. There's never a holiday that I've wanted to spend apart from my family...whether we really do anything or not, to me it's fun just spending time with all of them.

OK I kind of got a little sidetracked, so back to finding out we were pregnant...

I took the test that morning and kind of knew it would show what it did. I looked at the test but had to take another look because even though I knew I just couldn't believe it. To be completely honest, I was happy! Crazy, I know. 19 year old girl, getting ready to graduate from college and a boy she's been with for a year and still couldn't get to settle down. On a positive note, I had moved out of my parents house long ago, paid my own rent, bills etc. and my boyfriend and I lived in our own apartment. But still, we weren't ready. So that morning I went to work like usual, Mustafa had the day off so he came to visit me for lunch. He sat down at the table and I told him there was something I had to tell him. He knew. He said, "you're pregnant". I kind of chuckled and he said he had a feeling I was because I hadn't remembered the last time I had my period. Anyways he was actually pretty calm about it. It was later when he came to the realization that we were really having a baby, that he freaked out. I wish you were there to see his reaction it was pretty hilarious actually. I was crying out of sadness that he was freaking out but I laugh about it now because it was just so funny. Maybe you guys don't know, but I call Mustafa a drama queen. He hates it, but it's true. He RARELY gets mad, but when he does he freaks out and it's almost too hard for me to not laugh at him for acting so ridiculous. lol Anyways this night he snatched a plastic bag from under the cabinet, puts it over his mouth and starts frantically breathing through it. Yes, I said plastic. He's pacing back and forth "breathing" through this bag and then throws it down in frustration and says, "these damn movies LIE, this shit doesn't work" and continues to pace. Finally he sits down next to me and in a calm tone he says, "I'm sorry I reacted this way, I'm calm now. We're going to have to tell our parents." It was just HILARIOUS that he was acting like a crazy person one minute and the next he sits next to me calm and collected like nothing ever happened. So anyways, that was my story of telling him we were having a baby.

My parents were VERY upset [to say the least] like any parent would be when hearing their teenage daughter is pregnant...especially the fact that I waited so long to tell them. I was about 12 weeks when I told them and actually found out I was pregnant about 5 weeks along. So they were pissed, but finally came around about 4 days later (on New Years Eve). Mustafa and I went to their house that night to have a "family discussion" and came out OK. That night I told my siblings they were going to be aunts and an uncle. Lehuanani [my younger sister who was 8 (I think) at the time] was SO happy to here the news because she was scared I was dying. lol My mom didn't talk to me for those 4 days and my little sister kept asking about me. Since my mom was pissed at me she always made excuses and said I was busy or something. So my sister came up with her own conclusion and thought I was terminally ill. Poor thing. When we came over that night my parents told the kids to go upstairs and my sister was crying because she thought they were going to tell them "the bad news". Gratefully I was just pregnant and not dying :)

So after telling another part of my story, I guess you could say today is a significant day for me. I'm not sad (right now at least), but just BLAH. It brings a smile to my face to be able to tell this story but makes me a bit sad at the same time that our story came to an end too soon after. This post has turned out to be much longer than I thought it would be so I'll end it at my letter to Leila.

Leila,

One year ago today I found out you were in my belly. I loved you before I even knew you were there and my love for you only continues to grow every day. I miss that day I found out you were there immensely and the feelings I had knowing I would be holding you in my arms in no time, and that was more true than I ever thought it would be. I thought it would be funny to tell you how your daddy reacted when he realized you were really coming...I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. He's so silly. He loves you SO much Leila and misses you more than words could ever say. We both do. I hope you come see your Mama soon because I truly miss you with all my heart. No matter what, I promise I will keep your memory alive. You were meant for GREAT things baby girl :)

I love you SO SO much sweetie!

Love,

Mama

Her Headstone (donate button)

In just 2 days it will have been 7 months since my baby girl died. Although I created the design for Leila's headstone we still haven't been able to pay for it in full...even 7 months later. The funeral home will not let us make payments, nor will they take a down payment to even get started on the design, so even though it kills me, I have to ask for help. I just want my little girl to have her headstone rather than that gold plaque with only her name on it :(

I've added a Donate button on the left hand side called "Leila's Memorial Fund" that goes to a paypal account for just her headstone. Any little thing helps. Attached is a copy of the unsigned contract between the funeral home and I (just so you all know this isn't a scam)...and I've blacked out the location of her plot for privacy reasons.

Many BLM have been SO amazingly kind as to donate and I can't thank you all enough! I don't know where I'd be without you all. :'( Thank you all (BLM, friends & family) SO much for the continued support through everything! I truly appreciate each and every one of you.

xoxoxoxoxo

P.S. I'm looking for other ways to help pay for Leila's headstone so if you all know of any organizations that would help or fundraisers I could look into, then definitely let me know. I live in Oregon by the way (some organizations I have looked into only donate to certain areas). Also, if there is ANYTHING I can do for any of you in return, I would love to if possible, just let me know. :)

Thanks again!

Hopes & Dreams

Last night I dreamt of her again. This time she was older. So far I've seen her as a 6 month old, 2 year old and now 3 or 4. She had darker color skin this time (compared to when she was a baby), I don't remember her face but I remember us walking on the sidewalk with all of the pretty fall colored leaves on the ground. She had long curly hair and was wearing rain boots. My mom was with us. Leila was walking behind me with my mom and my mom told her, "Go see Kalia." I said, "Hey you mean Mama." I don't really remember much else, but I felt happy. I was SO excited that she was with me and happy she was alive & well and beautiful as ever. It was a good dream. It felt so real...then I woke up and the realization of it being "just a dream" killed me. I hate waking up from these kind of dreams and just wish I could sleep forever. I got in the shower this morning and cried for what should have been.

I don't feel any better. I don't like my new normal. It doesn't feel normal to me at all. I feel isolated and alone. No friends to give me what I need...I don't even know what I need from them, but whatever it is, I'm not getting it. If you're offended by what I'm going to say next, then shoot me, I don't care. I'm emotionally drained from all these pregnancy announcements. I really am. You could say I'm jealous, yes I'll admit it. I want what they have. I know I shouldn't be envious, but I am. I know nothing is guaranteed and I know my BLM are still scared, but still...I keep wondering when I will be at that point in my life. When will I get my rainbow? It's lonely out here not having a rainbow, that I so desperately want and need. I don't have an ounce of hope in me. Can I borrow some of yours? It's easy for you to say, "It will happen someday, I believe it will." Well I don't. All these thoughts run through my head on a daily basis and I have no one to talk to about it, so this is where I have to write it. On the other hand, I know that even if I WAS pregnant I would be sad that it won't be Leila. I keep having these dreams that she's alive still, but I know being pregnant again doesn't mean she's coming back. But it would mean I'd have hope again.

Oh and P.S. please don't tell me it's too soon to even be thinking about TTC. I'm tired of hearing that. I don't want your two cents I just need somewhere to vent and this is my place to do it. Also don't tell me you believe I will get my rainbow someday, you don't know that, I don't even know that. Please just pray for me...think about me, whatever you can do to support me WITHOUT shoving rainbows and sunshine up my ass. Thank you.

Leila,

*sigh* you were so beautiful mamas. I loved feeling like a Mommy in my dream last night. Was that actually you showing me that you're still here? I hope so. I love you and miss you so much it hurts. The other day someone told me you wouldn't want to see me sad and that when I'm sad, so are you. Well I hope you're not sad because I don't want you to be. I don't mean to make you sad it's just so hard for me to be happy when you're physically not here. I just miss you and wish there was some way we could be together again. Just remember I want you to be happy. Don't worry about your Mama. I'll make it through somehow, just be patient with me little one. I love you!

Love,
Mommy

Halloween

Seems like I don't come on here that often anymore. I guess I don't really have anything profound to say besides the usual. The anticipation of Halloween was worse then the holiday itself...sure, it sucked, but the day before I had a huge breakdown. Knowing babies, toddlers, and kids everywhere would be dressed in their adorable costumes asking for candy just broke my heart. Leila should have been here. This would have been her 2nd holiday [her first being Easter]. I found the most adorable little lamb costume I would have put her in. Well there were tons that I liked so who knows, she might have worn 3 different ones that day. You guys have already seen the pumpkin I did for Leila and thank you by the way for all your really nice comments :) Here is our family of pumpkins. Leila is kind of the center of attention if you haven't noticed lol. Daddy's pumpkin is on the left, mine is in the middle (with Leila's name) and the dragonfly one is Leila's of course. I wanted to make mine with the whole family's names, but I got really tired after Leila's name and thought it looked cute just the way it was, so I left it at that.

Well, I'm thankful Halloween is over...now to get ready for Thanksgiving. This is going to be a tough one for me. I'm thankful for many things, Leila and the rest of my family of course, but it's going to be SO hard to go through that day without my daughter included. *sigh*And this is just the start of the holiday season. I don't know how I'll EVER survive Christmas.

MOMMY MISSES YOU LEILA! I wish you could have been here to celebrate Halloween with us! I hope you like your pumpkins :) I love you sweetie.