Hopes & Dreams

Last night I dreamt of her again. This time she was older. So far I've seen her as a 6 month old, 2 year old and now 3 or 4. She had darker color skin this time (compared to when she was a baby), I don't remember her face but I remember us walking on the sidewalk with all of the pretty fall colored leaves on the ground. She had long curly hair and was wearing rain boots. My mom was with us. Leila was walking behind me with my mom and my mom told her, "Go see Kalia." I said, "Hey you mean Mama." I don't really remember much else, but I felt happy. I was SO excited that she was with me and happy she was alive & well and beautiful as ever. It was a good dream. It felt so real...then I woke up and the realization of it being "just a dream" killed me. I hate waking up from these kind of dreams and just wish I could sleep forever. I got in the shower this morning and cried for what should have been.

I don't feel any better. I don't like my new normal. It doesn't feel normal to me at all. I feel isolated and alone. No friends to give me what I need...I don't even know what I need from them, but whatever it is, I'm not getting it. If you're offended by what I'm going to say next, then shoot me, I don't care. I'm emotionally drained from all these pregnancy announcements. I really am. You could say I'm jealous, yes I'll admit it. I want what they have. I know I shouldn't be envious, but I am. I know nothing is guaranteed and I know my BLM are still scared, but still...I keep wondering when I will be at that point in my life. When will I get my rainbow? It's lonely out here not having a rainbow, that I so desperately want and need. I don't have an ounce of hope in me. Can I borrow some of yours? It's easy for you to say, "It will happen someday, I believe it will." Well I don't. All these thoughts run through my head on a daily basis and I have no one to talk to about it, so this is where I have to write it. On the other hand, I know that even if I WAS pregnant I would be sad that it won't be Leila. I keep having these dreams that she's alive still, but I know being pregnant again doesn't mean she's coming back. But it would mean I'd have hope again.

Oh and P.S. please don't tell me it's too soon to even be thinking about TTC. I'm tired of hearing that. I don't want your two cents I just need somewhere to vent and this is my place to do it. Also don't tell me you believe I will get my rainbow someday, you don't know that, I don't even know that. Please just pray for me...think about me, whatever you can do to support me WITHOUT shoving rainbows and sunshine up my ass. Thank you.

Leila,

*sigh* you were so beautiful mamas. I loved feeling like a Mommy in my dream last night. Was that actually you showing me that you're still here? I hope so. I love you and miss you so much it hurts. The other day someone told me you wouldn't want to see me sad and that when I'm sad, so are you. Well I hope you're not sad because I don't want you to be. I don't mean to make you sad it's just so hard for me to be happy when you're physically not here. I just miss you and wish there was some way we could be together again. Just remember I want you to be happy. Don't worry about your Mama. I'll make it through somehow, just be patient with me little one. I love you!

Love,
Mommy