I hate that I've lost my innocence. I'm only 21...I know there is NO age that makes any of this easier but when you're a teen thinking about life when you turn 21, you usually don't think of getting pregnant...well of course some young girls are an exception to that assumption, but in general I mean. SO many people tell me, "You're young, finish school and
then think about having more kids. You have time!" The way I think is, "when my next child dies...
then how much more time will I really have left?"...I know this is terrible to say or think but I'd be lying if I said this isn't how I feel. You can't tell me to have hope because it's
much easier said than done. I can't see past today much less months or years from now. You have faith that I will have a living child, but I don't. All I ask from you is that you keep that faith for me. If I can't have it I need someone else to keep it safe for me. Maybe your faith will help me get my rainbow someday. Maybe someday I can thank you for keeping that faith. Til then I will live day to day praying I will be so lucky to have an earth baby someday.
Leila,
Please visit your mama tonight. I haven't been having very good dreams lately and the best ones I've had have you in them. I really miss you and need your comfort lately. I just want to remind you that I will never stop talking about you no matter how many people judge me for the way I feel. They don't realize how much love you've brought to my life. They only see the sadness in my eyes and don't take the time to realize your life has brought SO MUCH more than sadness to me. The only reason why I'm sad is because your life ended so soon before I really got the chance to show you how much I truly, deeply love you and care for you. I want to do SO much good in your name and hope that I can do that during my time here on earth before I join you. I want to make you proud. Will you root for me baby?...I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.
Mama loves you!
6 comments:
I too hate that you have lost your innocence. It is so unfair :(
you are right. there is no age that makes it easier to lose a child. i'm 9 yrs older than you, and i'm also broken and shattered over losing my baby. people say the worst things some times. i'm so sorry you have also lost your innocence. i have had the same thoughts about my future children. i sometimes just feel so rushed and hopeless. but, like you, i hope that the faith, and hope that others have for me will get me through. ♥
I have faith for you my friend. I pray for you and leila often. I wish I were there to hug you in person <3
Kalialani,
Our world was sent crashing down when we suffered our losses. I will hold out faith that someday hopefully soon rather then later that you get your rainbow. Hold out that faith and hope for me too.
I feel the same awful feelings but I will be whatever you need me to be.
Email or leave a comment on my blog- you know how to reach me.
With sisterly love for ya,
~Felicia
I can totally relate to this post. Everyone around me assumes that I'll have my baby just fine, and there is really nothing to worry about. But I wake up every morning, terrified that today will be the day I lose him. I feel bad that I don't have faith that I'll be holding my baby in my arms... but I just can't get over it.
I won't promise you anything or give you any guarantees... but please know that there are those of us out here who understand exactly what you are saying. But I DO hope and pray that you have a rainbow baby, healthy and safe, snuggled in your arms soon.
((Big Hugs))
Kalialani,
I will DEFINITELY keep that faith for you! I will be praying for your rainbow for you. That is what we are here for. We all have your back and are happy to do it. You and Leila are so very important to all of us. I am so blessed to have "met" you and your precious daughter.
I also want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your congratulations. I know how hard it is for you to read posts like mine. I really appriciate that you did and that you even left me a comment. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Love,
Mary
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