Leila's 1st pumpkin!

Right now it's 1:15am which is WAY past my bedtime...wanna know what I'm doing up so late? I was carving Leila's pumpkin! I never knew how much work it took to carve them, but MAN I'm tired...Here are two pictures of Leila's first pumpkin I made for her.

Leila,

Mommy hopes you like the pumpkin I made for you. It's a dragonfly just like you wanted. :) It took me hours and I did it ALL by myself (freehand), I hope you're proud! :) I love it actually and it's exactly what I had hoped it would be. I love you sweetie and I'm missing you more than anything in the world.

Love always,

Mama

Run away

I feel like I need to get away from here. I just want to run away and start a new life where nobody knows me. I know that wouldn't change anything though; it doesn't change the fact that my daughter's still dead. It doesn't change the fact that I will have this emptiness inside of me forever. I'm just tired of feeling like such an outcast. I need someone to talk to...IRL. I have so many good friends that keep me going on a daily basis, but they're just so far away [all we can do is text or bbm] and sometimes I need more. I'm not a needy person, I never was. I was never one to really care about how many friends I had. I could joke with the few friends I did have about not really having any friends, and I was content with that. Now.I'm.not. I need those people I used to call "friends". I need someone to keep me company, to tell me everything will be alright...scratch that, I don't want to hear that crap because right now I can't see an end to my grief. I just need someone to be here for me. I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Mustafa works all the time and he is my only outlet unfortunately. He gets my good AND my bad days and there's no one else to take the blows when I'm having a really shitty day. I feel bad that I depend on him so much for my emotional sanity, but what else can I do? My family too...my parents (mom and stepdad) and siblings keep me going. They are the reason I can actually get out of my house. I don't think I'd go anywhere if they didn't ask me to. Sometimes though, there are just too many triggers, even just when seeing my family. One day my 2 year old sister wanted someone to play with her so badly and my 10 year old sister told her that she was too busy. It broke my heart seeing her sad that no one would play with her. My mom and I were so excited to see the bond that we knew would grow between Kailina and Leila. Kailina wouldn't be the youngest anymore and she would have a best friend/niece to grow up with. Things like that just break my heart even more.

Leila,

I wish I could say I'm watching you run around with Kailina right now. I wish I was writing these letters so you could read them when you grow up. Instead they're only for me to have some way of communicating with you while we're so far apart. It hurts so bad to not be able to hear your name come from anyone else's mouth but my own...except when your Tutu or Daddy bring you up...or your Aunties from all over the world of course. The only place I can see you is in my dreams and it's time like these when I wish I could sleep forever. I miss you sweetie...I can't help but wonder if we'd be best friends when you were grown. Would we have as great a relationship as your Tutu and I have? I've always wanted that with my children and I'm sad that I'll never have the chance to have that with you. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you.

Love,

Mama

Plans

It's hard to imagine how life would be with a 7 month old baby. For some reason today I thought back on all the plans I'd made when I was pregnant. I remember calling a daycare in my area and asking about making an appointment to visit their facility. I remember my mom and I visiting a baby boutique to see if I wanted to have my baby shower there. I was already looking at the favors I'd be having for everyone attending. I was so excited. Picking out names was one of the more stressful parts of my planning. Mustafa and I couldn't agree on a name to save our lives. We got into several fights over it and now looking back I just laugh that we fought over something so petty. I couldn't wait for our gender ultrasound to buy things, so I went to the mall and bought two outfits: one for a boy and one for a girl. I decided I would just take one back when we found out what we were having. The day we seen our little girl on the screen my plans only expanded. This time I planned what our little girl and us would be doing every day. I pictured it in my head and couldn't wait for the day these plans would become a reality. I signed my mom and myself up for some huge consignment shopping in April. Only we couldn't go because she was already gone by then. I got reminder after reminder about showing up to shop. Every day is a constant reminder of what I no longer have.

7 months later I still feel like I'm living in some alternate reality. It hasn't gotten any better. I had posted something earlier on in the week that was worrisome to my aunt. She called me and told me she was worried about me because she's never heard me talk like that before. I'm not really sure how to talk anymore. In the beginning I was SO positive. Now that's long behind me and all I feel is negativity. I don't see the light at the end of my tunnel. Almost 7 months since she died and I don't feel any better.

Days 13-18 I'm bad w/ keeping up with these :/

Day 13- a fictional book that is meaningful to me since my loss

I honestly have no answer for this question. None of them stick out to me so I will just say "not applicable"

Day 14- a non-fictional book that is meaningful to me since my loss

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.

I'm not sure if this counts since I read this after my loss but it's meaningful to me just because like I said before, when I was reading it I didn't feel so alone like I did in the beginning.

Day 15- what you like about your house

I don't have a house, only an apartment but I LOVE my apartment. Mustafa and I moved in there this April after Leila died so that we could be closer to my parents. I love that we have a nice kitchen. The kitchen matters most to me when looking for a place to live. Funny because I'm not a big cooker but I'd love to be! I guess time isn't on my side though. With school and work I don't really even have time to eat! :( But I still enjoy looking at my kitchen each day lol...I only wish Leila were enjoying our apartment with us.

Day 16- a song that makes you cry

There are TONS of songs that make me cry but I'll only name a few. Somewhere over the rainbow by Israel Kamawiwo'ole...after my Tutu (grandma) died this was one of the songs I always listened to to remember her, I still do actually. There's a couple other songs that always make me cry [since my loss]: Kellie Coffey-I would die for that, Natalie Grant-Held, Eric Clapton-Tears in heaven, The Hawaiian Wedding Song-sung by my Tutu (grandma) and tons more that I don't have the time to name...

Day 17- an art piece

I don't have a sculpture of my own yet but my favorite art pieces are from D. Antonia and here is a link to her Etsy shop. She has TONS of sculptures dedicated to baby loss and you can even order a custom piece. Her work is absolutely beautiful and I can't wait 'til I get one of my own!

Day 18- your wedding (past, present, future)

My wedding has been planned out since I was I don't know HOW young. I think a lot, if not every little girl plans her wedding out as a very young child...well at least I did. lol I'm not married yet but my boyfriend and I would love to get married after I graduate and we have enough money for my dream wedding. He also wants another one in Egypt for all his family to come since it would be easier for us to travel to Egypt than for his whole family to come the states for our wedding. My wedding will be on the beach in Hawai'i. I know it sounds pretty cliché, but I'm actually Hawaiian, TONS of my family live there and Hawai'i is my second home. It will be on the beach, I will have 8 bridesmaids each one with a different color dress representing each color of the islands of Hawai'i. That's if I can even find 8 friends/family who I'd want in my wedding :/ lol I've already found my dream dress by Pnina Tornai. It's an off white lace dress, very elegant and simple and since my wedding will be on the beach I didn't want something too ball gown-y (not a word, but you get the picture). I want purple and orange flowers (orange is my Tutu's favorite color and purple is mine and now Leila's too!) My Tutu was supposed to sing "The Hawaiian Wedding Song" for my wedding but since she died when I was 12 we will play the video of her singing it at my mom's wedding. Hearing her sing that song ALWAYS brings me to tears. It will be bittersweet not having her, my Tutu Nui (great grandma) OR my daughter at my wedding :( Anyways, I won't bore you all with many more details that I'd like to include but you can probably picture it in your head :)

Pumpkin Picking

Today I went to the pumpkin patch with my family to get a pumpkin for Leila, Mustafa and me. It was SO hard seeing SO many families there with tiny babies. They were all so precious and I couldn't help but feel sad because Leila wasn't with us. She should have been picking her pumpkin out herself. Now I'm picking one for her and decorating it in memory of her. Life was supposed to be SO different...

Leila's pumpkin is the smaller one on the left. Mustafa and I are going to try and decorate them this week if I have time between midterms. I'm going to attempt to carve a dragonfly in it...let's see how this goes!

Leila sweetie,

I hope you like the pumpkin Mama got for you. Your Auntie Ann was saying "what if you see a dragonfly land on a pumpkin? you have to get that one because it means Leila wanted you to pick it out!" Then she told me to tell her if that happens because that means you wanted her to tell me that :) Well it didn't happen, it would have been AMAZING if it did, but sadly it didn't. But it's OK, I KNOW you like the pumpkin I got for you still and I hope you like when it's decorated too!

Mommy loves you!

Remembrance Service

Tonight was...emotional. This was the 2nd time I had been back to the hospital Leila was born at since she died. I didn't really know what to expect but I cried before I even got through the door. This place was my home for almost 3 weeks. This was Leila's home her whole life. I never thought I'd say I missed being at a hospital, but I did. I feel closer to her there. There I'm able to remember the time I had with her and not feel so out of place for doing it publicly. This service was there for remembering our babies. The service included songs, speakers, prayers and a candle lighting ceremony. They asked that when they called the baby's/ies' names the parent/s walk to the front and light a candle for them. I was nervous but when they called Leila's name Mustafa and I went up to light her candle. He told me, "the candle's purple." Purple is Leila's favorite color (at least we think so) but p.s. the candle was in fact burgundy but since Mustafa's color blind he called it purple :) Anyways we lit the candle and took our seats again. They played a few songs but there was one that stood out to me the most. I'm not sure if you all have heard it, but it's called The Dance by Garth Brooks. I don't particularly like country music but this song is really beautiful and the words really spoke to me. At the end we were able to take a pot of flowers home with us. They were perfect for fall.

I just hope I can keep them alive :/

Here are the ribbons we wore to the service! Thanks Mom for making them for us!

and here is Mustafa and I in front of the lit candles for all our babies.

The chaplain that had blessed Leila while she was in the NICU was actually a speaker at the service tonight. I recognized her as soon as she walked in. After the service we talked for a little bit and she asked me if Leila was my only child. I told her yes and she told me Leila made me a mother and that I'm STILL and will always be her mother. This was music to my ears. FINALLY someone other than a BLM gets it. Well she isn't the only one, but they are few and far between.

Overall the service was very nice and I'm SO grateful for the people that organized this for us baby loss parents. I can't wait to be able to give back to the community that cared for Leila and I and continue to keep her memory alive.

P.S. Thank you Katie for coming the service. It really means a lot to me to have a friend there supporting us.

Leila,

Tonight was such an emotional night for me going back to the hospital. Not being able to go in the NICU to see you just broke my heart. I miss being there and spending every day and night with you. I miss watching you sleep as I pumped milk for you throughout the night to help you grow big and strong. I miss changing your diapers. I miss holding your tiny fingers so tight until you decided to let go. I miss talking to you as you slept in your isolette and then watching your eyes open when you heard your mama's voice. I miss hearing your Daddy sing your song to you. I miss being able to tell the new NICU nurses "YUP, that's MY baby". You are such a gift to me, your Daddy, your grandparents, aunts and uncles and SO many other people and tonight we remembered you. Thank you sweetie for coming into my life and bringing so much joy and happiness. My sadness is heavy now that you're gone but I will always remember our happy times too and miss them for the rest of my life.

Love always,
Mama

The sign on the door

After giving birth to Leila, I felt at ease...sorta. I felt like we were in good hands at least. I was being taken good care of by the nurses and other staff members and Leila was being taken care of by all the wonderful NICU nurses, respiratory therapists, etc. We had an army of caretakers so I knew we were going home together someday. The night before I had her was 2nd to the worst day of my life, but I had hope the next day knowing that Leila had survived her birth despite the odds. After she was born a sign was placed outside of my room door in the maternity ward. It was a pink sign with baby footprints on it that said, "It's a girl!" I was SO happy to have that sign and knowing that others would see it too made me proud. I walked down the hallway to look at everyone else's signs. Some had THREE signs, meaning they had triplets! I smiled every time I walked by those pink and blue footprints and was glad to be a part of it all and not on the side we would have been on, had I chose comfort care.

18 days later I was on the other side. Leila's body was failing her and I knew she would be gone soon. April 9, 2010 she died and that's when I joined the baby loss club. At the time it seemed like I was the only one. I'm not sure if there were others like me, but it seemed I was the only one with a new sign outside the door of a leaf and a droplet of water. In any other circumstance I would have looked at that sign and my first thought would be serenity. Now I see that sign and all it means is death to me. My baby died and this picture showed the staff I was mourning the loss of my baby. I despised this sign, even now, I just hate it. I want that pink sign with footprints back.

A while ago I got something in the mail with that same picture on the envelope...a leaf and a droplet of water. I knew it was from the hospital where Leila was born, so I opened it. In there was an invitation to a Remembrance Service for all the babies that have died at that hospital. I chose to R.S.V.P. because I wanted to remember my daughter with the only other people who knew her while she was alive (besides my family).

Tonight is the night of the service and I'm SO emotional. I'm nervous, sad, ANGRY that I'm even going. I shouldn't be going. I should be at home with my 6 month old baby. Instead, I have to attend things like this to remind everyone Leila is still my baby and deserves to be remembered. I don't know how many times I will say this...it's NOT fair. I will go blue in the face reminding everyone how unfair it all is and still this will be the only appropriate thing to say. *sigh*

Leila,

Tonight is the night I will remember you with many other parents who [like me] have their babies in Heaven where you are. I hate that we have this one thing in common (if nothing else), but I hope tonight your story will touch the life of at least one person. Please be my side when they call your name aloud and the tears roll down my face. I don't know how I'll get through this service. I love you sweetie and I hope Mommy will make you proud some day. Missing you like NO other.

Love,
Mama

Days 11 & 12

Day 11- a photo of you taken recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now

First let me say something, YES I know Mustafa looks WHOOPED lol he's growing his hair out so you know that nasty in between stage you have to go through for the end result? Yup, that's it. *shivers* I hate it lol ok...

This picture was taken yesterday while we were on the MAX (which is our transportation system). It makes me really sad and angry because I hate that Leila isn't in the picture. This might sound random but I always pictured her and I on the MAX and everyone telling me how beautiful she is. I wanted to carry her in the Sleepy Wrap I got us and walk around downtown with her. I see SO many mothers with their babies on the MAX and it makes me sad that I can't be one of them.

Day 12- something you are OCD about

Oh man I could go on for days with this post. I'm OCD about TONS of things but I'll name one. I'm OCD about people whistling at night. I know it might sound weird, but in my culture (the Hawaiian culture) we DON'T do this because it summons the spirits of the dead and lost souls to you. Whether we actually believe it or not doesn't matter, we just don't do it. When I first told Mustafa to stop whistling at night he looked at me like I was weird. lol Now he catches himself and stops right after he starts. He still doesn't like to stop just because of my "crazy" belief but he does it for me anyways. :)

But also, I just don't like whistling period. I don't know why, it just annoys the hell out of me. Night or day. When people start whistling I get irritated and try and get as far as possible so I don't have to hear it. I know I'm weird :)

30 posts in 30 days (days 1-10)

OK I know I'm late but I've been busy/stressed about a million and one things, but today I will start this project set up by Angie over at Still Life with Circles. I have some catching up to do so here are days 1-10 hopefully in a short version...we'll see how this goes.

Day 1- a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why

This might sound silly but Kelly Clarkson-Long Shot. When I was pregnant with her I listened to this song in the shower all the time while I danced around hoping she would dance too. One week I had read somewhere that at that point in my pregnancy the baby could feel my movements and might respond to them. So I bumped this song and danced in the shower like a maniac.

Day 2- a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss

This is a hard one. Not one movie jumps out at me that has helped me get through the hard times, but there are TONS that have triggered my grief. I could name hundreds but for now I'll just say that ALL movies with a pregnant woman are triggers for me. :(

Day 3- a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you

Well this one is EASY. JERSEY SHORE! This is absolutely the ONLY show that has helped me get through hard times. Whenever I'm having a crappy day I can turn on this show and am guaranteed to laugh through the whole thing. I'll be sad when the season is over. I need to find a new show and QUICK! Any suggestions??

Day 4- your favorite book, has it changed since your loss?

Hmm I LOVE to read but I can't think of one book that is my absolute favorite. I can only say that after my loss it helped to read Empty Cradle, Broken Heart because I realized that my feelings are normal and I didn't feel so alone like I thought I was in the beginning.

Day 5- Your favorite quote

Well I have a few but if I had to name one for now I'd say Plato's quote "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle". This one REALLY jumps out at me because most of you, if not all of you (like me) have realized that people can be SO cruel after a loss like ours, whether intentional or not, there continues to be MANY people who make insensitive comments that will stick with us forever. It's not easy hearing them but it just reminds me to be kind to everyone because I have NO idea what goes on in their lives behind closed doors.

Day 6- 20 things that calm you

1. Jersey Shore

2. listening to old school rap/hip hop

3. taking a trip to Michael's

4. working on an art project

5. taking a nap

6. crying it out

7. creating things on photoshop

8. designing blogs

9. writing IN my blog

10. reading a book

11. eating comfort food

12. taking pictures with my new camera :)

13. spending a relaxing day @ home with Mustafa

14. Saturdays, knowing I don't have to go to school or work the next day

15. cleaning the house, this calms me when I'm PISSED at the world

16. going to the movies

17. going shopping, I guess sometimes this can be stressful though lol

18. knowing that I'm making a change for the better because of Leila

19. spending with friends who understand me

20. dreaming (day or night)

Day 7- a photo that makes you happy

The first day I was able to hold my daughter. We were a complete family. I was BEYOND happy this day.

Day 8- a photo that makes you angry/sad

The last photo taken of my belly before I went into labor a few days later. It makes me angry that I never got far enough into my pregnancy to watch my belly grow as big as it should have and it makes me angry that I never took a picture with my face in it while I was pregnant. I was lazy and never took the time to get dressed up and do my hair and take a picture after I started showing. :( I wish I would have known...

Day 9- a photo you took since your loss

I was pissed I had to go this graduation we went to in the first place, but Leila should have still been in my tummy. The smile is fake fyi but I guess it looks real since that is how I smile in all my pictures :/

Day 10- a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Sorry it's a picture of a picture, but I think I was about 3 or 4 in this picture sitting on the steps of my old house in Oakland, CA. Boy do I miss the old days. I look so happy :)

Well that's all for now. I'll start being regular with these posts so look out for them.

6 month Angelversary

Today I feel empty. It's been 6 months since I held my daughter (alive) in my arms and it feels like just yesterday. Those that say time heals all wounds...they don't know any better. This wound isn't healing. I will always feel like part of my life is missing. A part of it is missing. I hurt just as bad as I did when she first died. It's true. You may not see it on my face, or read it in my posts all the time, but it's there. This pain is here to stay. I wish I could say 6 months later I feel better, but I'd be lying. I feel worse. The world is DEFINITELY moving faster than I ever wanted it to and I'm feeling left behind. I'm not happy that I have an "angel", I'm just not. I never wanted this. I'm not grateful for it and I don't take comfort that she's in Heaven. I'm not strong like you say I am. I don't want to be strong. I just want to cry all day every day and have everyone be OK with that. I can't. It's not acceptable because well, "life must go on". I have school, work, etc. Today though I feel like none of that matters and I could care less if I do anything right now. I feel like I didn't get enough time to myself after she died. I'd rather be home alone crying in a corner than going to work and school everyday and then coming home to study my ass off. It's stressing me out and I'm expecting to break down at any moment now...if I haven't already. I have this pulsating headache right now that's borderline migraine and looking at this computer screen isn't helping any, but I really need to write today. I need to complain about EVERYTHING today, so please just deal with it. It's NOT fair! It's not fair that MY baby had to die. It's just not. I won't accept it and never will. I keep wanting another baby so badly and then I think I can't possibly have a baby that won't be Leila. I just can't imagine having any other baby but her. A few nights ago I had a dream of her. I finally saw her as a baby (6 months old). She was chubby and light skinned. She had lots of hair. She talked...not like us but baby talk. In my dream I found out that she was alive and had been alive this whole time. I couldn't believe it. I had missed out on 6 months of her life but I was just grateful she was actually alive. I kept asking myself how is this possible. I held her up and she smiled at me threw her hands out and talked in her own language to me. It was adorable. I would have slept forever if I could stay in that dream. The first thing I thought of was my BLM friends. I thought OH NO how will I tell them all my baby's alive and that I don't actually belong in this "club" anymore like I thought I did? Sad, I know. Then I woke up from my dream and of course was disappointed it was only a dream. How I wish it were true. I wish that by some miracle I'd find her alive and realize THIS nightmare is a dream and I'm up from it now. I wish...

Leila,

Today I cried for you. I ache to hold you in my arms again...to see you alive and well. I need you so bad, it hurts. My heart is literally hurting for you baby. I miss you SO much and I just don't know how I'll live the rest of my life without you. I can't imagine ever actually being happy again while you're gone. I know this is bad to say but I keep hoping somehow I'll die in a freak accident so that I can be with you again. I know I shouldn't be talking to you like this because you're only a baby, but that's how bad this pain hurts...Mommy's sorry. My head hurts so bad right now I just have to go lay down. I just want you to know that I love you SO much and miss you with ALL my heart and I'm wishing you were here with every fiber of my being.

Mommy loves you sweetie. Happy 6 months in heaven baby girl.

Dragonfly dreams

I have TONS of posts I've started and have saved as drafts. I guess I have so many things going on in my mind at one time that I forget to finish my thoughts prior and move on to the next instead. So if you happen to see posts that pop up from days, weeks, maybe even months ago, that's just me finishing and publishing those unfinished posts. Sorry for the confusion when it comes.

I've decided on a new blog name...a long time ago actually but I just haven't had time to design it. The Butterfly Room is going to be changing to "Dragonfly Dreams" as soon as I finish the design for it, so don't be alarmed when you can't find The Butterfly Room anymore (whenever that may be). Speaking of dragonfly dreams...

The other night I was having a terrible night. When I'm alone is when I start to feel grief creeping up on me full force again. I was crying uncontrollably and blaming anything and everything for Leila's death. It's just that I don't think I can ever accept that she's dead. It kills me that she's not here and my questions remaining unanswered just adds to my hurt. Anyways that night when I was crying I heard my dragonfly wind chime that Mustafa had bought me when we went to Seaside.

That night I went to bed hoping I would see her in my dreams...

In my dream that night I was asleep. I woke up (with a "cry hangover") to the sound of my wind chime. There was something around my neck that I didn't have around there when I went to bed. I looked and found the wind chime around my neck. I woke Mustafa up and asked him if he had put it in the bed with us (which would be weird by the way, but hey it's a dream). He said no then went back to sleep. The wind chime was hanging right where it was in this picture before I went to sleep and now it somehow got around my neck sometime throughout the night. At that moment I knew it was Leila trying to bring me comfort. I was a little freaked out at first because I thought I was going crazy, but then felt comforted when I knew it was a sign from her. I woke up (this time in real life) and felt refreshed. I felt like it was a new day and even though I didn't see Leila in my dreams that night, I had a dragonfly dream, which to me is her making her presence known to me. I've had several dragonfly dreams since she's died and thought this title would be perfect for our new blog.

Thank you to all of my friends who leave comments. I feel terrible when I don't answer back most of the time but I barely have enough time to sit down and write a post without being interrupted. Please forgive me. I'm grateful for all of your support and just want you to know that.

Leila,

Mommy wants to thank you for bringing me comfort the other night. I really needed that. I've missed you SO much baby girl. I'm SO sorry you see me cry sometimes, I just hope it doesn't upset you. I want you to remember that you are the one and only little girl on my mind every minute of the day. I hope you feel special like the special, most amazing little girl that you are. I love you baby.

Love,

Mama