Remembrance Service

Tonight was...emotional. This was the 2nd time I had been back to the hospital Leila was born at since she died. I didn't really know what to expect but I cried before I even got through the door. This place was my home for almost 3 weeks. This was Leila's home her whole life. I never thought I'd say I missed being at a hospital, but I did. I feel closer to her there. There I'm able to remember the time I had with her and not feel so out of place for doing it publicly. This service was there for remembering our babies. The service included songs, speakers, prayers and a candle lighting ceremony. They asked that when they called the baby's/ies' names the parent/s walk to the front and light a candle for them. I was nervous but when they called Leila's name Mustafa and I went up to light her candle. He told me, "the candle's purple." Purple is Leila's favorite color (at least we think so) but p.s. the candle was in fact burgundy but since Mustafa's color blind he called it purple :) Anyways we lit the candle and took our seats again. They played a few songs but there was one that stood out to me the most. I'm not sure if you all have heard it, but it's called The Dance by Garth Brooks. I don't particularly like country music but this song is really beautiful and the words really spoke to me. At the end we were able to take a pot of flowers home with us. They were perfect for fall.

I just hope I can keep them alive :/

Here are the ribbons we wore to the service! Thanks Mom for making them for us!

and here is Mustafa and I in front of the lit candles for all our babies.

The chaplain that had blessed Leila while she was in the NICU was actually a speaker at the service tonight. I recognized her as soon as she walked in. After the service we talked for a little bit and she asked me if Leila was my only child. I told her yes and she told me Leila made me a mother and that I'm STILL and will always be her mother. This was music to my ears. FINALLY someone other than a BLM gets it. Well she isn't the only one, but they are few and far between.

Overall the service was very nice and I'm SO grateful for the people that organized this for us baby loss parents. I can't wait to be able to give back to the community that cared for Leila and I and continue to keep her memory alive.

P.S. Thank you Katie for coming the service. It really means a lot to me to have a friend there supporting us.

Leila,

Tonight was such an emotional night for me going back to the hospital. Not being able to go in the NICU to see you just broke my heart. I miss being there and spending every day and night with you. I miss watching you sleep as I pumped milk for you throughout the night to help you grow big and strong. I miss changing your diapers. I miss holding your tiny fingers so tight until you decided to let go. I miss talking to you as you slept in your isolette and then watching your eyes open when you heard your mama's voice. I miss hearing your Daddy sing your song to you. I miss being able to tell the new NICU nurses "YUP, that's MY baby". You are such a gift to me, your Daddy, your grandparents, aunts and uncles and SO many other people and tonight we remembered you. Thank you sweetie for coming into my life and bringing so much joy and happiness. My sadness is heavy now that you're gone but I will always remember our happy times too and miss them for the rest of my life.

Love always,
Mama