6 month Angelversary

Today I feel empty. It's been 6 months since I held my daughter (alive) in my arms and it feels like just yesterday. Those that say time heals all wounds...they don't know any better. This wound isn't healing. I will always feel like part of my life is missing. A part of it is missing. I hurt just as bad as I did when she first died. It's true. You may not see it on my face, or read it in my posts all the time, but it's there. This pain is here to stay. I wish I could say 6 months later I feel better, but I'd be lying. I feel worse. The world is DEFINITELY moving faster than I ever wanted it to and I'm feeling left behind. I'm not happy that I have an "angel", I'm just not. I never wanted this. I'm not grateful for it and I don't take comfort that she's in Heaven. I'm not strong like you say I am. I don't want to be strong. I just want to cry all day every day and have everyone be OK with that. I can't. It's not acceptable because well, "life must go on". I have school, work, etc. Today though I feel like none of that matters and I could care less if I do anything right now. I feel like I didn't get enough time to myself after she died. I'd rather be home alone crying in a corner than going to work and school everyday and then coming home to study my ass off. It's stressing me out and I'm expecting to break down at any moment now...if I haven't already. I have this pulsating headache right now that's borderline migraine and looking at this computer screen isn't helping any, but I really need to write today. I need to complain about EVERYTHING today, so please just deal with it. It's NOT fair! It's not fair that MY baby had to die. It's just not. I won't accept it and never will. I keep wanting another baby so badly and then I think I can't possibly have a baby that won't be Leila. I just can't imagine having any other baby but her. A few nights ago I had a dream of her. I finally saw her as a baby (6 months old). She was chubby and light skinned. She had lots of hair. She talked...not like us but baby talk. In my dream I found out that she was alive and had been alive this whole time. I couldn't believe it. I had missed out on 6 months of her life but I was just grateful she was actually alive. I kept asking myself how is this possible. I held her up and she smiled at me threw her hands out and talked in her own language to me. It was adorable. I would have slept forever if I could stay in that dream. The first thing I thought of was my BLM friends. I thought OH NO how will I tell them all my baby's alive and that I don't actually belong in this "club" anymore like I thought I did? Sad, I know. Then I woke up from my dream and of course was disappointed it was only a dream. How I wish it were true. I wish that by some miracle I'd find her alive and realize THIS nightmare is a dream and I'm up from it now. I wish...

Leila,

Today I cried for you. I ache to hold you in my arms again...to see you alive and well. I need you so bad, it hurts. My heart is literally hurting for you baby. I miss you SO much and I just don't know how I'll live the rest of my life without you. I can't imagine ever actually being happy again while you're gone. I know this is bad to say but I keep hoping somehow I'll die in a freak accident so that I can be with you again. I know I shouldn't be talking to you like this because you're only a baby, but that's how bad this pain hurts...Mommy's sorry. My head hurts so bad right now I just have to go lay down. I just want you to know that I love you SO much and miss you with ALL my heart and I'm wishing you were here with every fiber of my being.

Mommy loves you sweetie. Happy 6 months in heaven baby girl.