Run away

I feel like I need to get away from here. I just want to run away and start a new life where nobody knows me. I know that wouldn't change anything though; it doesn't change the fact that my daughter's still dead. It doesn't change the fact that I will have this emptiness inside of me forever. I'm just tired of feeling like such an outcast. I need someone to talk to...IRL. I have so many good friends that keep me going on a daily basis, but they're just so far away [all we can do is text or bbm] and sometimes I need more. I'm not a needy person, I never was. I was never one to really care about how many friends I had. I could joke with the few friends I did have about not really having any friends, and I was content with that. Now.I'm.not. I need those people I used to call "friends". I need someone to keep me company, to tell me everything will be alright...scratch that, I don't want to hear that crap because right now I can't see an end to my grief. I just need someone to be here for me. I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Mustafa works all the time and he is my only outlet unfortunately. He gets my good AND my bad days and there's no one else to take the blows when I'm having a really shitty day. I feel bad that I depend on him so much for my emotional sanity, but what else can I do? My family too...my parents (mom and stepdad) and siblings keep me going. They are the reason I can actually get out of my house. I don't think I'd go anywhere if they didn't ask me to. Sometimes though, there are just too many triggers, even just when seeing my family. One day my 2 year old sister wanted someone to play with her so badly and my 10 year old sister told her that she was too busy. It broke my heart seeing her sad that no one would play with her. My mom and I were so excited to see the bond that we knew would grow between Kailina and Leila. Kailina wouldn't be the youngest anymore and she would have a best friend/niece to grow up with. Things like that just break my heart even more.

Leila,

I wish I could say I'm watching you run around with Kailina right now. I wish I was writing these letters so you could read them when you grow up. Instead they're only for me to have some way of communicating with you while we're so far apart. It hurts so bad to not be able to hear your name come from anyone else's mouth but my own...except when your Tutu or Daddy bring you up...or your Aunties from all over the world of course. The only place I can see you is in my dreams and it's time like these when I wish I could sleep forever. I miss you sweetie...I can't help but wonder if we'd be best friends when you were grown. Would we have as great a relationship as your Tutu and I have? I've always wanted that with my children and I'm sad that I'll never have the chance to have that with you. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you.

Love,

Mama