11 years ago we lost a VERY important person in my family. My Tutu (grandma). She was the free spirit, loves everyone, speaks her mind, makes friends anywhere she meets type of person...there truly is no one like her. I was only 12 when she died and I can remember the last weekend we saw her like it was yesterday. Memorial day weekend 2002, we all decided to drive to Washington to surprise my Tutu Nui (great grandma). That weekend was truly a blessing for us. The whole family was there. We all shared stories, laughs and most importantly, love. We went to the cemetery, where Leila is now buried, to visit my Auntie Tammy. She is my Tutu's daughter who had passed away in a car accident when she was just 6 months old. Like me, my Tutu was also a baby loss mama. She never spoke about her baby, my auntie, until that weekend. At the cemetery we had a conversation about death that day. My Tutu said something like, isn't is crazy how people just know they're going to die? It's like they don't know, but they're spirit knows somehow. We all talked about the moments before death and how the spirit knows how to prepare for it and that sometimes people wait to die until they've seen the people they needed to see before they die. I've thought about that day many times after she died. She was a long-haul truck driver so we saw her whenever she had a break from work and could come through town...or if she was driving through town to get to her destination. It was her idea to have us come up to Washington for Memorial Day weekend. I think about how her spirit must have known it was time for her to go soon and that we all needed that one last weekend with her. She died the day we drove away from Washington to go home. I used to curse God and ask him why took her and not me instead. I blamed myself. I know it was crazy to think it was my fault, but I did. We all stopped at a gas station to get has before the 11 hour drive home. My Tutu asked us if we wanted anything from inside and I asked for a hot chocolate. She gave it to me and we kissed goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw her. My mom told her to have a safe drive home and I never said it. I know it's silly, but I thought because I didn't say it, that's why she died. Remember, I was 12...
Anyways, I'm not sure why, but the 11th anniversary of her death has been the hardest for me since I was a kid. I miss her so much and can't even believe she's still gone. It feels like just yesterday that she passed away. I remember feeling like somehow I'd forget her since I was so young...and I thank God everyday that I haven't. I remember so much about her. I also remember watching my mom & stepdad's wedding tape after she died over and over again, just so I could hear her sing. I watched her facial expressions as she sang the Hawaiian wedding song--her smile...the way her eyes opened so wide when she got to a certain part in the song. God I miss her...
