Camping with only part of my family :(

Today is the day I leave for camping with the family. We'd been planning this trip for a long time now. While I was pregnant with Leila we talked about how much fun it would be and how Leila would be taking her first camping trip so young. We were all really excited. Then in April when she died I stayed home from work for a couple months. My mom and I made trips to Target where of course I just couldn't hold it together. She was supposed to be here. We were supposed to be shopping for camping stuff with a baby in mind. Now it's just the 6 of us. Mustafa has to work so he can't come. We were supposed to go as a family. Now only part of my family is going and that makes me sad. I'm going to try and make the best of it because I know when I'm with my family we always have a good time, but it still doesn't change the fact that Leila's not here. This morning Mustafa had to go to work and that would be the last time I see him in 5 whole days. You're probably thinking 5 days isn't much, but for us it is. We sleep together every single night; when I don't sleep next to him I can't sleep. It would be different if I had my baby with me to cuddle close every night but now I don't even have that. *sigh* And on top of all that I can't even text or call anyone to talk to while I'm away. :'( Stupid t-mobile has no coverage where I'm going. Of course! No talking to Mustafa telling him I miss him and I'm sad Leila's not with us. No bitching to Ann about how unfair this whole thing is. No talking to anyone. Guess I will just have to "get over it" like everyone thinks we should do.

Leila,

I'm sad you won't be with Mommy on this camping trip. I picture our life and how it would have been if you were coming with us. I picture you and Mommy having our alone time in the forest exploring the wilderness. I don't know if you know this, but your Mama's not a wilderness-y girl. I've always been a city girl, although I do like to take the occasional trip to the middle of nowhere to clear my head. Hopefully this trip will be relaxing rather than me just feeling bad for myself because I'm all alone. But I miss you baby girl. I really wish you were coming. I'm bringing your blanket with me to cuddle at night. I never sleep without it and this week especially, I'll need it. I love you and I hope you will come with me in spirit. Maybe I'll catch a dragonfly or two while I'm out there :D

Love you sweetness

Love,

Mama

P.S. If I don't come back by Friday or Saturday at the latest, you'll all know I was eaten by a bear or something :(

I have A LOT of babies names to take with me, if you didn't already comment on the last post then you still have a little bit of time. I will be leaving in about 3 hours so comment with yours and your babies names until then, (if you haven't already). Again if we are friends on facebook then I already HAVE your babies names :) Don't worry I didn't miss anyone!

Talk to all soon!...although not soon enough :(

NEED YOUR BABIES NAMES!

I'm going camping with my family tomorrow for a week so I'm making a list of all my BLM's babies so we can somehow write their names there. If we're facebook friends then DON'T WORRY I have your baby/ies names but if you're only a follower on blogger then I don't have all the names. Please comment with your names and your babies names (so I know whose babies are whose) to be sure that I have them on my list. If I have time I will try and go through all my followers to figure it out, but if I don't then I'm SO sorry if I miss your baby/ies and I will get them for next time.

Thanks guys!

Terrible day

Today is just...TERRIBLE! I am crying my eyes out...yet again. This morning I was walking to work when my grief kicked me on my ass this time. I started thinking about the day we buried Leila. I'm still shocked that my baby is in the ground and I'm not with her. How can anyone go on like this? I don't get it. How do you keep faith when your heart is torn into tiny little pieces and can't be put back together? I'm absolutely SICK of people asking if I'm "better" now. Like here we are almost 5 months later, you should be "better" by now Kalia. NO.I.AM.NOT."BETTER". No one has actually said I should be better by now in those words, but it's definitely implied by the comments. I have so much guilt in my heart lately. Well I guess it never left, but right now it feels like it's been multiplied by 100. I'm too embarrassed to even admit what I'm guilty about, but I've had dreams about it. I don't think I'll ever get over what I've done...or what I didn't do I should say. I just miss my baby SO much today. As I was on my way to work my grief got to me so much that I couldn't stop crying. I decided to sit in the break room for a while before work until I was able to calm down and go later. In comes a girl who works in the same building but different department. She walks in with a smile and asks me if I've had my baby yet because a while ago she noticed I was pregnant. I told her yes I had my baby and I smiled, but I couldn't stop there. I had to tell at least part of Leila's story so it would do a tiny part of her life justice at least. I told her she lived for nearly 3 weeks before she died. She said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." and then walked away. I was kind of taken aback that she just walked away. No hug or anything. Not that I wanted one but jeez I guess I would've felt a little less insecure about the way I feel if she offered a little more. I don't blame her though. No one wants to be a part of this club. Anyways, I felt the need to be at the cemetery. I just needed to be close to my baby today. My AMAZING friend Katie offered to take me to the cemetery but the times didn't end up working out so we both agreed to go Saturday. Instead I came home today and cried over every little thing. Then I decided to read to Leila. That calmed me down.

*sigh*

Leila,

I miss you sweetie. The past few days have been ROUGH to say the least...actually these past few MONTHS. I feel so guilty for so many things and I cried to your Daddy today about them and he feels the same. We both wish things turned out differently...of course, and it's just so hard to live life without you; but I promise I will keep your memory alive no matter what.

I love you baby girl
Love,
Mommy

You've Got Mail!

I love when I get mail...well not so much recently because as you all know all we ever get anymore are reminders of what we no longer have. Every.single.day. I'm happy to say though, today I got more than just the painful reminders. I also got two other things in the mail that reminded me how many wonderful people I have gained in my life from this painful experience. I got a card from a newer BLM I haven't yet had the pleasure of "meeting" named Michelle Williams who by the way I'm SO sorry had to join the babyloss club. She is Sawyer's mommy and their story is here. Thank you SO much Michelle! The card is So beautiful and so were your words. It really put a smile on my face to get something that was so unexpected. I love it! Thinking of you and Sawyer always.Along with Michelle's card I also got a BEAUTIFUL dragonfly from Tiffany and Leila's friend Genesis. I absolutely LOVE it and I took a picture of it next to Leila. She loves it too! I'm planning on using it on our tree come Christmas time. I wanted to get an ornament for Leila and this is just perfect for that! Thank you Tiffany and Genesis!! We love you SO much and the dragonfly couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

Thank you both SO much, today was a pretty "good" day.

Oh speaking of mail, if any of you haven't already joined then I suggest you join Nicole's BLM penpals here. Joining will allow you to connect with so many BLM by either sending something as simple as a "thinking of you" card or even receiving something that will lift your spirits on a possibly "down" day. We all know how good it feels to get mail from people who truly care about us and what better way to connect with people who "get it". It's especially great when you get something so unexpectedly that puts a smile on your face like it did mine today. Thanks again Nicole for such a beautiful idea!

Love to you all!

Leila,

Sweetie make sure you thank Genesis for sharing her dragonfly with you! Isn't it beautiful?! I took a picture of it with you and posted it here for everyone to see. You are so precious to me my beautiful daughter and I'm not sure if you know how much I absolutely miss you. I miss you every single second of every day and I just thought I'd let you know once again how much I love you.

Love always,

Mommy

SHORTEST POST EVER!

I haven't cried this hard in a long time. I just miss her so much today. Maybe all the new pregnancy announcements overwhelmed me? I swear I was OK with them just a few hours ago...why now? Maybe it's all these depressing songs I'm listening to right now? I don't know but I can barely see the screen right now, my tears are blocking everything. UGH I think I need to take a nap, all this crying really wears you out. I hope when I wake up I'll be "back to normal"...whatever that means anymore.

COMPLETELY DISGUSTED

Beware friends, this one might get your blood boiling like it did mine!...

Since childhood I was ALWAYS taught if you have NOTHING nice to say, then DON'T say it at ALL! I thought EVERYONE went by this code...especially in cases like these. A fellow babyloss mama of mine (who is one of my facebook friends) has been victim to something I would NEVER in my whole life expect someone with a heart to say. My friend has chosen to put her son's pictures on her facebook page for family and friends to see. Yes, he is an angel baby and YES he is beautiful! Does she have the right to be proud that he is her son even if he has died? HELL.YES. Should she be able to post pictures of her son on her facebook if she chooses to do so?! HELL.YES. SHE did NOT choose this life. I'm 100% positive she would have LOVED to post pictures of her son smiling for the first time, taking a step for the first time, playing with toys, playing with his big brother, etc. but SINCE her son is now "gone" the ONLY pictures she has of him are when he was "born sleeping". WHY should she be ashamed of her son because he died?! JUST because he lived for such a short while does NOT mean that he is any less of a PERSON. Well, SOMEONE has taken this TRAGEDY into their own hands and added more pain for my friend and THAT makes me ANGRY. Saying absolutely DISGUSTING things like, "Dead baby pictures are in no way cute or sweet. That is very personal and should be kept in the family. Who wants to have a corpse as their default?!?! It's even worse if the family has children that are LIVING!"

WHOEVER started this thread in the first place as well as the people who commented on it supporting the person who started it are PITIFUL excuses for human beings.

Here is the link to these comments if you'd like to show my friend support and I will NOT apologize for speaking out and telling the world that WE have been victim of being SILENCED for FAR TOO LONG and I'm TIRED of it. ALSO, PLEASE push the button report as abuse and leave feedback so we can put this to an END. My friend does NOT need to endure any more pain that she already has.

Another request if you will, if my friend Amber is not on your facebook friends here is the link to her facebook page (I hope she doesn't mind this) and PLEASE if you can, send her a message of support or you can also make a picture for her precious baby with his name in it. His name is Eli and yellow butterflies reminds her of him.

Thank you all SO much for listening and I hope you all can help us put an end to these hateful comments.

Leila,

I just want to tell you how BEAUTIFUL you are and I will ALWAYS be proud that you are my daughter. NO ONE will ever take away ANY of the undying love I have for you my baby. I will continue to speak your name and support other mamas like me who are PROUD of their angel babies. You are my life sweetie and the day you left you took a BIG piece of my heart with you. Even so I STILL know how to love and support my friends and family and if I have taught you anything, know that it is to love and respect [endlessly] the people who love and respect YOU. You have SO many family members (that includes your BLM aunties) that LOVE you SO much, so remember that you will NEVER be forgotten and we will NEVER stop loving you. Please Leila, give Eli a big hug for me and tell him how absolutely handsome he is! Give all of my other nieces and nephews a HUGE hug from me too. I love all of them and I love you TOO sweetie.

Love always,

Mommy

I didn't choose this life...

So why am I made to feel like I did? I don't know if any of you have seen my status yesterday, but basically one of my family members deleted and blocked me on facebook. I can't say that I'm surprised, or am I? Did I ever do anything to her? No, I don't think so. I've always been respectful to my elders. She's my Great Aunt by the way. I took a guess as to why she did that and hit it on the nail. My mom asked her why she blocked me and if I did anything to offend her..."playing stupid" I guess you could say. My aunt responded and said (not verbatim), "I love Kalia but it was just too hard reading her painful updates and in my opinion grief should be kept to yourself, that's not something that should be dealt with on a public forum" Uhh excuse me? I thought my facebook was where I could connect with FRIENDS and FAMILY. It's not like these are all completely random people in my friends list (oh and BLM added to family of course). I go there to say how I feel and if you ask me, right now my life is pretty empty considering my daughter died...I don't know, what do you think? I thought I could be "out" and I guess I expected that family would stick by my side through anything. Isn't that what they're for? I'm not looking for pity. All I want is to be able to say how I feel. Personally, I feel like I've done a pretty "good" job at grieving if there is such a thing. I didn't choose this life, I'm just working with what I have and trying to live with it. For her to say it was "hard" reading them just made me think try living with it for the rest of your life lady. I know talking about Leila all the time won't bring her back, but to me it keeps her memory alive and shouldn't I at least be able to have that?

On another note I think that was the ONLY facebook status about Leila that I have gotten so much support on. I guess people actually DO read my statuses. Many more people than I thought have my back and for that I'm thankful. Thank you to all of you who have been there for me and continue to be there for me as well as help me keep Leila's memory alive. I love you all!

Thankful for your kindness!

As you all know a lot us have experienced the loss of some of our friends and family on top of the loss of our babies. Many of them don't understand our grief and instead of being there through all of the good AND bad, decide to leave because our grief makes them uncomfortable. This is why it's especially meaningful when someone who knows not of our pain [specifically baby loss] comes forward with words of comfort and encouragement. You truly learn to appreciate people so much more through tragic times like these and many others so much less. Today I got something in the mail from my Tutu's best friend's daughter (Patty). We've recently been emailing back and forth ever since she told me she came across my blog while looking Leila's name up. She told me "...the way you write about her it's almost as though I still have a chance to know who she was and is and the things you and Leila should be doing." I loved that she said this, because through my writing I do want people to get to know Leila like I did. She wrote me a letter to explain the gift she sent. I opened the package to find a beautiful children's book called "I Wish I Were A Butterfly".



I read the story to Mustafa and I started crying. Patty explained in her letter that from reading my blog she remembered I had a connection to butterflies and dragonflies and found this book and immediately thought of me and Leila. She said she thought this would be a book I would have read to Leila and could still read to her. :D HOW THOUGHTFUL IS THAT?! Well that is EXACTLY what I plan to do. I will read this book to Leila every week on Fridays. As you all might know, I still feel absolutely terrible about never reading to Leila while she was in the NICU. Reading to her now is something I would have never thought of on my own, but thanks to Patty I can now read to my baby. I know a lot of "outsiders" might find this strange, but it is something I feel helps me connect to my daughter. I don't expect anyone to understand though.

I can't thank you enough Patty, you truly made me feel SO special today. Leila loves it too! :D We love you Auntie Patty and we are SO thankful for your kindness!

BY THE WAY GUYS, Patty isn't blood related but as we all know blood means NOTHING. She IS my family, more like an Aunt to me and as you all know family means the world to me as I'm sure it does to you all too! Oh and a sidenote, I have to admit, I was a bit jealous when she started having kids of her own lol. My Tutu always took me to Yaya's house (Auntie Patty's mama) so we've spent a lot of time together and I love that whole family [my Hanai family] to death!

P.S. Hanai in Hawaiian means adopted...not literally in this case but you all get the point :D

around every corner...

The stresses of life can sometimes get in the way of people's relationships, but Mondays are our days (Mustafa and I) to catch up and spend quality time together. It was HOT today, so we went to the mall to cool off. I should have known what I'd see there, but I never guessed it would be this bad. Around every corner was bulging bellies or babies that had just been pushed out of the birth canal...literally. These babies were so tiny (well not compared to Leila of course)...so here it goes...trigger trigger trigger! I didn't cry...surprisingly. I was just full of envy. I know envy isn't the greatest word to use, but it's the only word with the extreme emotion I felt. I just miss Leila SO much. She should have been at the mall with her Daddy and I today. We should have had to go home early because she was tired and cranky from being out most of the day...but NOPE, we stayed there pretty much all day and walked around with no interruptions. *sigh* This day wasn't being very nice to me...oh and it gets worse. We get on the bus to head home and sit behind a younger couple...probably still in high school if I took a guess. They were looking at baby books. I wasn't trying to be nosy, but when they're right in front of us talking about babies and names etc. I just couldn't help but over hear. You could tell they had just found out she was pregnant and they were so excited for this baby. There it goes again trigger! I remember when Mustafa and I were looking at baby books and arguing over what to name our baby girl. We were so happy then...not that we're not happy now, it's just not the same happy as newly pregnant parents anxiously awaiting the arrival of a bouncing baby. I miss those times. Then I start thinking again...Leila should be here with us. Now I have the urge to tap this girl on the shoulder and tell her to be careful. I want to tell her how happy I was...until the day my whole world shattered into a million tiny pieces. I want to warn her. My baby girl is dead now, but I was once like her; my ignorance was bliss and I never thought my baby would die. I cried. I want everyone to know Leila existed. I wish someone would ask me about my child, but it never comes up. I don't have a baby with me, so there's no reason for them to ask.

I need to keep Leila's memory alive somehow.

Leila sweetie,

Mommy misses you...I know you know that, I just have to keep telling you. I wonder all the time what you would look like right now. You will have been 5 months old pretty soon and it hurts me to not know what a 5 month old would be doing at this point. What milestones would you have reached by now? I know yours would be much different from another 5 month old baby since you were born so early, but you were a VERY strong little girl so I know you wouldn't have been too far behind...if at all. I remember when your doctor took us (Daddy, Tutu, Grampie and I) to another room to tell us about your brain hemorrhaging. Everyone was in complete shock. Nurse Karen was in the room with us and told me that no one would have ever guessed you had this issue, considering how active you were. That reminds me also how Auntie Marni said she was scared to see you. She didn't know what to expect. She thought you would just lay there with no movement or anything. But you were much different. You kicked your little legs and waved your arms around all the time. You fought the nurses when they pricked you for more blood. You opened your beautiful big round eyes and looked at me every time I came to spend time with you. I loved that about you. You always knew your mama was there. The last day I spent with you, I'm not sure if you were in pain from your intestines being so sick, but you still managed to open your eyes right before you went to heaven. I'm not sure if you had always been "holding on by a thread" waiting to be held by Mommy and Daddy but you definitely fooled all of us if that was the case. We "knew" you were coming home with us...now I'm thinking you probably fought so hard while patiently waiting for the nurses to let me hold you. When they did, the sickness took you so quickly after that. This only confirms my feelings about people waiting for their loved ones before they leave. You waited for your mama. Thank you mamas. I really needed that. I only wish I could have had more time. I know that might sound selfish of me but that's how absolutely happy you made me.

I love you sweetie!

Love,

Mommy

2nd post of the day...PLEASE PRAY

So...today I ran into one of the women I work with who's pregnant...or so I thought. She asked me how my baby was and I'm sure I looked like a deer in the headlights and at that moment I could tell she knew she said the wrong thing. I started crying and told her what happened. She apologized a million times and listened to my story...Leila's story. She started crying and told me she had her daughter already as well. I had NO idea. She was born premature like Leila (I don't know at what gestational period) and she was 1 pound 6 oz...1 ounce less than Leila. Her daughter is currently in the NICU (the same NICU Leila was in) and AAAAAAALL these emotions start flooding back...me being in labor and then being told I would be giving birth that night...so now I'm shaking because I'm just overwhelmed with everything. We talked about how emotional it is having your baby in the NICU. We talked about loss and the uncertainty of it all when nurses and doctors tell you she might not live. She told me she's been guilty of being insensitive to BLM (her aunt in particular). I told her honestly you never know unless you are in that situation. She agreed. I told her about my feelings after my daughter died and this time she was more understanding because she is in a very similar situation. Anything could happen at any moment and nothing is guaranteed. We talked about having feelings of overwhelming guilt when your child's in the NICU. Her boyfriend wants them to go out with friends or to family functions and she feels like she shouldn't be doing anything because her daughter is fighting for her life in the NICU...WHY should she have fun when her daughter is not?...These are the EXACT same feelings I've felt...and it doesn't get easier if your baby dies either. :( I'm just extremely overwhelmed with emotions. I'm not happy she's in the situation I was in, but it feels good to have someone to talk to about it. I just hope we won't have more in common later down the line. I will pray for her baby and I hope you all will too. I don't know her baby's name (we didn't get around to that) but her Mommy's name is Kanani, so please pray for her daughter to continue to thrive and to be able to go home with her mama soon.

Leila,

Sweetie, please look out for Kanani's baby girl. If you see her coming to heaven's gates ever PUSH her out if you have to.

I love you honey...always and forever
Love,
Mama

Friday the 13th

Today is another Friday the 13th...the last Friday the 13th I ever paid attention to was in November 2009. It was the day I found out I was pregnant with Leila and one of the happiest days of my life. This Friday the 13th is just another trigger of happier times. I miss her. Badly. I cried this morning thinking (once again) that she should be here with me. I'm supposed to be getting no sleep because of a hungry baby wanting to nurse every few hours. I can't say I know exactly what I'm missing [as far as life with a baby goes], but I know she's missing from my life and that makes me extremely sad. I snuggled close to her blanket last night like every night, but this night I held on a little tighter. I've been feeling really lonely lately. Two days ago was the start of the holy month for Muslims. It's called Ramadan. I'm not muslim, but Leila's Daddy is and this year he decided to participate in order to "be closer to God". During the month of Ramadan muslims fast from dawn until sunset. This morning we got up at 4:00am to eat breakfast before dawn. Like I said, I'm not Muslim but I'm trying to be supportive, so I decided to fast with him. I have to say this holy month is really teaching me self-control...kinda. Since Mustafa and I aren't married yet, we're not allowed to touch (hold hands, kiss, hug, cuddle, have sex etc.), for the holy month anyways. Let me just tell you, this has been HELL for me. (Hope I didn't offend anyone) but seriously...I miss Mustafa...we live together but we're not allowed to show our affection for each other and it's killing me. I need to feel his touch again, hold his hand in mine. I miss your Daddy, Leila. I mean, we can say how we feel to each other, but we can't act on it. I guess I never realized how important our sense of touch is in a relationship. I need to be touched. I hate being "away" from him for so long. It feels like the time he went home to Dubai to visit his family for a month. That was also very hard for me. But I feel like this month of not "being" together is bringing us closer and once it's over we will embrace each other and be thankful for each day we have together...not that we aren't already, but you know. ;) ...well anyways I think I've complained enough today, time to talk to my baby.

Leila,

I've been thinking about my relationship with God lately, especially since Daddy is trying to be "closer" to Him. I'm not sure if you pushed Daddy to do this, but I am happy for him nonetheless. I personally think he does it for you. Being closer to God seems like it would bring him closer to you too, since you are of course with Him. I hope he's taking very good care of you Leila and I hope you're happy. As long as you're happy that's all I want for you. For me on the other hand, what I want is for you to be with me again. I miss your touch. I miss holding your hand. I thought we would be holding hands until the day you buried your mama, but instead it was the other way around. The first time I got to hold you it gave me an indescribable feeling of love and comfort. I truly felt a connection to you and it was amazing to say the least. I will miss that for the rest of my days. Oh by the way, your Auntie Breana said she seen a blue dragonfly today where she lives and it flew by her for a minute. Was that you?? I don't recall seeing dragonflies in California...not like it was impossible but very rare, so I think that was you. :) I love when you give me and other family members signs. I know you're still with me in spirit sweetie, so thank you for always being there. I love you beyond words and I miss you honey!

Love always,
Mommy

my impatient little girl :)

Tiffany over at Names on the sidewalk sent me a facebook message and was telling me about her daughter Genesis also being born in March among other things that our babies have in common :D ...I was going to write her back and say "Is Genesis a pisces too?!" And then I thought wait a minute...I think I'm wrong, so I look on the horoscopes page on babycenter and remember that Leila is actually an Aries. I don't know if you guys even read about astrology or believe in any of it but I swear it always holds true to my character...me being a scorpio. Leila is an Aries...I remember this from when we were in the NICU. I read about her horoscope and in the beginning of her horoscope on babycenter.com it says "If your Aries son or daughter was born ahead of schedule, it should come as no surprise: Aries children are always pushing ahead of the pack. With an "Are we there yet?" outlook, they are impatient to arrive and get started already!" I thought it was so funny because Leila was born 16 weeks early. She wanted to get started on her "purpose" early and then she finished quickly. She was such a driven little girl! It also says that Aries children seem to have more energy than most children and I thought that was SO true. When she was in the NICU the nurses talked about her being such an alert and active baby for being born so young. She slept a lot but she was definitely more active than any baby I seen in there. Every time we went in there she had her eyes open and she would move around and grab my fingers. She was such a little cutie pie! *sigh* I miss my baby. I just love her so much, I hope she knows that.

Leila,

I just want you to know how special you are to me. Remembering our times in the NICU makes me smile. You made the cutest little faces especially when you pooped...lol sorry sweetie. I hope I didn't embarrass you. I hope you're having fun with your friends up there and know that I love you...always & forever.

Love,
Mommy

Nothing short of amazing!

Guess I haven't really had much to say these past few days...due to repetition being my worst enemy. I'm SO tired of saying the same things over and over again, but I'm happy to say I have something to write about today...finally.

I was feeling down (as usual) and these feelings only intensified when I had to sit face to face with a mother and her [probably] 2 month old baby girl on the MAX (our public transportation system). That should have been me. I should have been sitting on MAX with Leila in our baby wrap. :'( Anyways...the mom jumps because something is flying around her. I kind of move out the way for fear of getting stung [by a bee]. It landed behind her seat and we both took a good look at it...I asked her, "Is that a dragonfly?" She said, "Yes, it's a REALLY pretty dragonfly." I just smiled. It WAS a really pretty blue dragonfly! It was SO close we could see it breathing...its body moving up and down with every breath it took. It was pretty amazing. I almost cried while I thought WOW Leila is really making her presence known and at the PERFECT time too! I really needed her and she came to her mama's rescue by letting me know she was there. I couldn't ask for a more loving daughter!...oh and I ended up missing my stop because I was so enthralled by the dragonfly's presence. lol bad girl! ;) just kidding sweetheart, you really made my day!

Oh then I came home to the paperwork I had requested...all of Leila's NICU records. I swear I could bind it and make it into a college sized book with all that damn paper they use. Only 18 days and THAT much paperwork...WOW. Let me tell you, they write down EVERY single little thing (but for good reason of course). There were statements in there about how many times I came to visit, what I was doing when I came to visit, how I told them what I was feeling that day. One nurse called the parents (Mustafa and I) quiet and said that we didn't talk much...UHHH that's because I didn't like her ass. She was the one who basically told me I wasn't giving Leila a good quality of life by keeping her alive. Well screw you lady...last time I checked I was Leila's mother and you were just her nurse. UGH she really got under my skin. I know I know...their jobs are to FULLY inform me of all decisions I'm making, but this lady wasn't just being informative...she was just really cold when talking about it. There were some nurses that I absolutely ADORED and was SO happy with taking care of Leila, but others I just didn't want around her for fear of their negative (or not so warm) [if you will] energy rubbing off on her.

I cried so hard while reading these records...it just made me happy and then broke my heart again bringing me back to different moments I was with her in the NICU. I really miss the NICU. I miss getting up in the middle of the night to pump for her and bringing the milk to the nurses and hearing them say, "WOW that's a LOT of milk!"...I had tons and I was SO proud. I miss touching her tiny little hands and being ecstatic that she squeezed my finger. I miss going to visit her and watching her open her eyes just for Mommy :) I miss changing her tiny little diaper (when I say tiny I mean tiny) and giving her a sponge bath and seeing her angry face [lol]. I love you my precious angel and I miss you TERRIBLY.

I know they will never see this but I just want to thank ALL the nurses, respiratory therapists and doctors and SO many others who helped care for Leila while she was in the NICU. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kristen, Julie, Marni, Rhonda, Julie (another one), Jenni, Karen, Rachel, Susan, Uyen, Jessica, Thomas, Rebecca, Dr. Kaempf, Dr. Davis, Dr. Freitag and many more. You all do BEYOND amazing jobs with our babies and continue to inspire me with all your love and dedication for our babies.

Leila,

You are the most AMAZING little girl ever. Mommy was having a bad day and you saved me. You brought a dragonfly to me and it was just beautiful so thank you sweetie, SO much. I got your records from the NICU today and went through them all. It really brought me back to the most precious times we had together. Our kangaroo time was my FAVORITE and I miss our special time together [just me and you] with all my heart. The nurses said you did REALLY well with it and I'd have to agree. You were so young but SUCH a big girl at the same time and you showed all of them what a fighter you were. OH I wanted to tell you...Mommy and Daddy might be giving you a little sister soon :) not a baby silly...a puppy :) . Her name is Nalah and she is the CUTEST thing EVER so I REALLY hope we get her...OH..well not as cute as you lol!

I miss you SO much little girl and I would LOVE it if you come to me in my dreams tonight. I love you sweetheart!

Love,

Mommy

Crazy??!! **Possible Trigger**

Ohhh where do I start for the day?...Well I woke up this morning and hit the gym with my mom. She knows I've been feeling down [extremely down] lately so it was nice to get some girl time together just to talk about anything and everything. After that I decided to get in the shower so I can get ready to go out. I'm not sure where...maybe shopping. I love buying things...anything. I stopped by Michaels to get a few picture frames for my apartment and some art supplies to make things for my BLMs. Then I headed to Target...I knew what I was going to get before I even walked into the store but WHY the hell was I getting it? I don't know...I just couldn't help myself. I walk to the middle of the store where the baby stuff is and picked up the outfit I REALLY wanted for Leila's coming home outfit. I first saw it at Target a few weeks ago and wanted it SO badly...but I have no baby of course so there's NO reason to get it. Well then I seen it again in my friend Amanda's baby shower pictures online and I just HAD to have it. (I hope you don't think I'm crazy Amanda!)...I planned on only getting this outfit, but they only had 3 months...Leila is a micro-preemie that won't fit her! So I looked for AT LEAST a newborn size since that'd be better than 3 months. They didn't have it so I took the 3 months and had to get something else since that wouldn't fit her for a while. I saw this other adorable set that was in newborn size so I just HAD to get it...then another...then another. By now I have 4 sets (you know the sets the come with like 3 onesies and maybe a pair of pants, yea those ones). I can't believe I'm really doing this. I'm actually going to buy them. I think I've officially gone crazy now...what am I thinking?! Leila's dead! WHY the hell am I buying clothes for my baby that's no longer here. She's buried in the ground...I buried her. I know she's gone but I just have to get these clothes for her. I buried her in just a diaper and blanket. WHY didn't I even think to dress her?! UGH I'm such a bad mother...I walk to the cashier and I'm praying in my head she won't say anything about a baby. I hope she doesn't ask if these are for my baby :( What the hell will I tell her? "My baby's dead...I'm buying them just because I think they're cute and wish I had the chance to dress her in them." She'll REALLY have me admitted then...LUCKILY she didn't say anything and I was able to walk out of the store baby clothes in hand and honestly not feeling bad for it. I did however shed a tear for fear that I've HAD to have gone crazy. There's no way I can be sane. Is this normal? I BBM'd Ann because she always knows how to make me feel better. She said "you're not crazy! it makes you feel like she will be with you, it's totally fine!!..don't feel guilty when you are giving into what your heart feels will bring you closer!" OK Ann you're right, I'm not crazy...I think...

Well if you think I'm lying about the clothes...

Here they are...

The polka dot monkey one that says "Introducing...ME!" is the one I wanted as Leila's coming home outfit :(

I loved the little monkey on the booty so I HAD to get that and the zebra one on the left that says "I love mommy" that one I loved too...it made me feel better since I have a giraffe outfit for her at home that says I love Daddy.

Well I hope I don't go on any more of these crazy ridiculous shopping trips again. I have to say though it honestly made me feel better. I'm not sure why but it did. I hope you guys don't think I'm crazy :(

Leila,

LOOK what Mommy got for you today. I know I know...I shouldn't have. I just couldn't help myself. I was talking to you the whole way to Target asking you not to think I'm crazy. I just REALLY wanted to get you something. I know you would have looked SO adorable in them. I would have taken TONS of pictures...Mommy's SO sorry I didn't dress you before we buried you. I think I was in shock, I just wasn't really thinking about it at the time. Now I really wish I would have. I would have put you in the giraffe outfit we have at home...that one was my favorite. It's long sleeve too so you wouldn't get cold at night. I'm so sorry baby :'(

Mommy loves you sweetie!...forever and ever...