around every corner...

The stresses of life can sometimes get in the way of people's relationships, but Mondays are our days (Mustafa and I) to catch up and spend quality time together. It was HOT today, so we went to the mall to cool off. I should have known what I'd see there, but I never guessed it would be this bad. Around every corner was bulging bellies or babies that had just been pushed out of the birth canal...literally. These babies were so tiny (well not compared to Leila of course)...so here it goes...trigger trigger trigger! I didn't cry...surprisingly. I was just full of envy. I know envy isn't the greatest word to use, but it's the only word with the extreme emotion I felt. I just miss Leila SO much. She should have been at the mall with her Daddy and I today. We should have had to go home early because she was tired and cranky from being out most of the day...but NOPE, we stayed there pretty much all day and walked around with no interruptions. *sigh* This day wasn't being very nice to me...oh and it gets worse. We get on the bus to head home and sit behind a younger couple...probably still in high school if I took a guess. They were looking at baby books. I wasn't trying to be nosy, but when they're right in front of us talking about babies and names etc. I just couldn't help but over hear. You could tell they had just found out she was pregnant and they were so excited for this baby. There it goes again trigger! I remember when Mustafa and I were looking at baby books and arguing over what to name our baby girl. We were so happy then...not that we're not happy now, it's just not the same happy as newly pregnant parents anxiously awaiting the arrival of a bouncing baby. I miss those times. Then I start thinking again...Leila should be here with us. Now I have the urge to tap this girl on the shoulder and tell her to be careful. I want to tell her how happy I was...until the day my whole world shattered into a million tiny pieces. I want to warn her. My baby girl is dead now, but I was once like her; my ignorance was bliss and I never thought my baby would die. I cried. I want everyone to know Leila existed. I wish someone would ask me about my child, but it never comes up. I don't have a baby with me, so there's no reason for them to ask.

I need to keep Leila's memory alive somehow.

Leila sweetie,

Mommy misses you...I know you know that, I just have to keep telling you. I wonder all the time what you would look like right now. You will have been 5 months old pretty soon and it hurts me to not know what a 5 month old would be doing at this point. What milestones would you have reached by now? I know yours would be much different from another 5 month old baby since you were born so early, but you were a VERY strong little girl so I know you wouldn't have been too far behind...if at all. I remember when your doctor took us (Daddy, Tutu, Grampie and I) to another room to tell us about your brain hemorrhaging. Everyone was in complete shock. Nurse Karen was in the room with us and told me that no one would have ever guessed you had this issue, considering how active you were. That reminds me also how Auntie Marni said she was scared to see you. She didn't know what to expect. She thought you would just lay there with no movement or anything. But you were much different. You kicked your little legs and waved your arms around all the time. You fought the nurses when they pricked you for more blood. You opened your beautiful big round eyes and looked at me every time I came to spend time with you. I loved that about you. You always knew your mama was there. The last day I spent with you, I'm not sure if you were in pain from your intestines being so sick, but you still managed to open your eyes right before you went to heaven. I'm not sure if you had always been "holding on by a thread" waiting to be held by Mommy and Daddy but you definitely fooled all of us if that was the case. We "knew" you were coming home with us...now I'm thinking you probably fought so hard while patiently waiting for the nurses to let me hold you. When they did, the sickness took you so quickly after that. This only confirms my feelings about people waiting for their loved ones before they leave. You waited for your mama. Thank you mamas. I really needed that. I only wish I could have had more time. I know that might sound selfish of me but that's how absolutely happy you made me.

I love you sweetie!

Love,

Mommy