I was feeling down (as usual) and these feelings only intensified when I had to sit face to face with a mother and her [probably] 2 month old baby girl on the MAX (our public transportation system). That should have been me. I should have been sitting on MAX with Leila in our baby wrap. :'( Anyways...the mom jumps because something is flying around her. I kind of move out the way for fear of getting stung [by a bee]. It landed behind her seat and we both took a good look at it...I asked her, "Is that a dragonfly?" She said, "Yes, it's a REALLY pretty dragonfly." I just smiled. It WAS a really pretty blue dragonfly! It was SO close we could see it breathing...its body moving up and down with every breath it took. It was pretty amazing. I almost cried while I thought WOW Leila is really making her presence known and at the PERFECT time too! I really needed her and she came to her mama's rescue by letting me know she was there. I couldn't ask for a more loving daughter!...oh and I ended up missing my stop because I was so enthralled by the dragonfly's presence. lol bad girl! ;) just kidding sweetheart, you really made my day!
Oh then I came home to the paperwork I had requested...all of Leila's NICU records. I swear I could bind it and make it into a college sized book with all that damn paper they use. Only 18 days and THAT much paperwork...WOW. Let me tell you, they write down EVERY single little thing (but for good reason of course). There were statements in there about how many times I came to visit, what I was doing when I came to visit, how I told them what I was feeling that day. One nurse called the parents (Mustafa and I) quiet and said that we didn't talk much...UHHH that's because I didn't like her ass. She was the one who basically told me I wasn't giving Leila a good quality of life by keeping her alive. Well screw you lady...last time I checked I was Leila's mother and you were just her nurse. UGH she really got under my skin. I know I know...their jobs are to FULLY inform me of all decisions I'm making, but this lady wasn't just being informative...she was just really cold when talking about it. There were some nurses that I absolutely ADORED and was SO happy with taking care of Leila, but others I just didn't want around her for fear of their negative (or not so warm) [if you will] energy rubbing off on her.
I cried so hard while reading these records...it just made me happy and then broke my heart again bringing me back to different moments I was with her in the NICU. I really miss the NICU. I miss getting up in the middle of the night to pump for her and bringing the milk to the nurses and hearing them say, "WOW that's a LOT of milk!"...I had tons and I was SO proud. I miss touching her tiny little hands and being ecstatic that she squeezed my finger. I miss going to visit her and watching her open her eyes just for Mommy :) I miss changing her tiny little diaper (when I say tiny I mean tiny) and giving her a sponge bath and seeing her angry face [lol]. I love you my precious angel and I miss you TERRIBLY.
I know they will never see this but I just want to thank ALL the nurses, respiratory therapists and doctors and SO many others who helped care for Leila while she was in the NICU. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kristen, Julie, Marni, Rhonda, Julie (another one), Jenni, Karen, Rachel, Susan, Uyen, Jessica, Thomas, Rebecca, Dr. Kaempf, Dr. Davis, Dr. Freitag and many more. You all do BEYOND amazing jobs with our babies and continue to inspire me with all your love and dedication for our babies.
Leila,
You are the most AMAZING little girl ever. Mommy was having a bad day and you saved me. You brought a dragonfly to me and it was just beautiful so thank you sweetie, SO much. I got your records from the NICU today and went through them all. It really brought me back to the most precious times we had together. Our kangaroo time was my FAVORITE and I miss our special time together [just me and you] with all my heart. The nurses said you did REALLY well with it and I'd have to agree. You were so young but SUCH a big girl at the same time and you showed all of them what a fighter you were. OH I wanted to tell you...Mommy and Daddy might be giving you a little sister soon :) not a baby silly...a puppy :) . Her name is Nalah and she is the CUTEST thing EVER so I REALLY hope we get her...OH..well not as cute as you lol!
I miss you SO much little girl and I would LOVE it if you come to me in my dreams tonight. I love you sweetheart!
Love,
Mommy
7 comments:
i'm so glad that by reading those NICU records you were able to relive the precious time you spent with leila.
Wow! What an amazing little girl you have there. She knew you would need her and she came through. I just love to see the little surprises our babies bring us. I had a hummingbird come and visit me the other. It just sat outside our window peeking in at us for a couple of minutes. You will cherish those records for the rest of your life. As for the stupid nurse, just blow her off. Maybe she had something horrible going on at home and she wasn't able to shake it off for work. IDK, but you had some amazing people there taking care of your little Leila!
Oh I love that you got to see a dragonfly, what a precious gift.
Wow, that is amazing...what a beautiful way for your little girl to let you know she is still here for you & thinking of you!
I love the dragonfly story! It's amazing how our babies know just the right time to make their presence known.
I'm also glad you have a copy of all the NICU records. I know it must be sad - but I also know I would want to have every scrap of information about my baby that I could.
I hope you have a good weekend. Hang onto that memory of the dragonfly!!
Oh my goodness this post brought me to tears. I miss the NICU too. Terribly. I'm so glad you got a glimpse of your Leila through that beautiful dragonfly.
xx
I agree too that having those NICU records must be precious :) That nurse sounds vile, thankfully so many NICU people are so nice huh? As for the dragonfly? Priceless :)
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