Ohhh where do I start for the day?...Well I woke up this morning and hit the gym with my mom. She knows I've been feeling down [
extremely down] lately so it was nice to get some girl time together just to talk about anything and everything. After that I decided to get in the shower so I can get ready to go out. I'm not sure where...maybe shopping. I love buying things...anything. I stopped by Michaels to get a few picture frames for my apartment and some art supplies to make things for my BLMs. Then I headed to Target...I knew what I was going to get before I even walked into the store but WHY the hell was I getting it? I don't know...I just couldn't help myself. I walk to the middle of the store where the baby stuff is and picked up the outfit I REALLY wanted for Leila's coming home outfit. I first saw it at Target a few weeks ago and wanted it SO badly...but I have no baby of course so there's NO reason to get it. Well then I seen it again in my friend Amanda's baby shower pictures online and I just HAD to have it. (I hope you don't think I'm crazy Amanda!)...I planned on
only getting this outfit, but they only had 3 months...Leila is a micro-preemie that won't fit her! So I looked for AT LEAST a newborn size since that'd be better than 3 months. They didn't have it so I took the 3 months and had to get something else since that wouldn't fit her for a while. I saw this other adorable set that was in newborn size so I just HAD to get it...then another...then another. By now I have 4 sets (you know the sets the come with like 3 onesies and maybe a pair of pants, yea those ones). I can't believe I'm really doing this. I'm actually going to buy them. I think I've officially gone crazy now...what am I thinking?! Leila's dead! WHY the hell am I buying clothes for my baby that's no longer here. She's buried in the ground...I buried her. I know she's gone but I just have to get these clothes for her. I buried her in just a diaper and blanket. WHY didn't I even think to dress her?! UGH I'm such a bad mother...I walk to the cashier and I'm praying in my head she won't say anything about a baby. I hope she doesn't ask if these are for my baby :( What the hell will I tell her? "My baby's dead...I'm buying them just because I think they're cute and wish I had the chance to dress her in them." She'll REALLY have me admitted then...LUCKILY she didn't say anything and I was able to walk out of the store baby clothes in hand and honestly not feeling bad for it. I did however shed a tear for fear that I've HAD to have gone crazy. There's no way I can be sane. Is this normal? I BBM'd Ann because she always knows how to make me feel better. She said "you're not crazy! it makes you feel like she will be with you, it's totally fine!!..don't feel guilty when you are giving into what your heart feels will bring you closer!" OK Ann you're right, I'm not crazy...
I think...
Well if you think I'm lying about the clothes...
Here they are...
The polka dot monkey one that says "Introducing...ME!" is the one I wanted as Leila's coming home outfit :(
I loved the little monkey on the booty so I HAD to get that and the zebra one on the left that says "I love mommy" that one I loved too...it made me feel better since I have a giraffe outfit for her at home that says I love Daddy.
Well I hope I don't go on any more of these crazy ridiculous shopping trips again. I have to say though it honestly made me feel better. I'm not sure why but it did. I hope you guys don't think I'm crazy :(
Leila,
LOOK what Mommy got for you today. I know I know...I shouldn't have. I just couldn't help myself. I was talking to you the whole way to Target asking you not to think I'm crazy. I just REALLY wanted to get you something. I know you would have looked SO adorable in them. I would have taken TONS of pictures...Mommy's SO sorry I didn't dress you before we buried you. I think I was in shock, I just wasn't really thinking about it at the time. Now I really wish I would have. I would have put you in the giraffe outfit we have at home...that one was my favorite. It's long sleeve too so you wouldn't get cold at night. I'm so sorry baby :'(
Mommy loves you sweetie!...forever and ever...
10 comments:
i'm SO sad that leila will never get to wear these beautiful outfits. hugs.
Leila's outfits are adorable. If it helps, I don't think it is crazy at all. We each find things that help us hold on to our little ones. Memories and mementos are all we have. Drew wasn't as far as long as your Leila, but it still hurts me that we didn't have any clothing for him. Why must we feel so much regret...isn't the loss cruel enough? :( Hugs to you and for your beautiful little girl
Not crazy, not at all. I think if it helps, go for it. Better buying clothes than participating in destructive behavior. Cute clothes, and I'm sorry Leila will never be able to wear them.
It sounds perfectly normal to me...like you are missing your baby and you want something to represent her that you can touch, see and feel. Honestly, if it helps, I say do it. May I offer another observation...maybe it is a sign of hope. Hope for another baby that will be able to wear her sister's clothes? Just a thought.
I don't think you are crazy at all. Its just like buying memorial jewelry or holding a baby blanket or pictures of our baby's names- physical items we can look at and marvel over and hold on to. Its all we have.. <3
I buy baby clothes sometimes, too. I don't think it's crazy, but if it is -- at least you know you're not alone! I have only bought a few things, but when I do, I love thinking about how cute they would look in whatever I have chosen.
It's comforting, to do a normal mommy thing like buy an adorable outfit for my baby. And I like to think of them as hand-me-downs, though unworn; gifts from Noah or Ailis to their future siblings.
Oh honey, Leila's little outfits are so precious! And another thing, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! We should all be able to buy things for our babies, whether they are still with us or not. Every good mommy wants to buy everything for her babies, and that is exactly what you were doing, being a good mommy! I'm sure Leila loves them and my favorite has the be the little monkey one! ♥♥♥
I did the same thing! My son was going to have adorable dinosaur pajamas and months after he had died I still wanted him to have those pajamas. Buying them eased a huge sense of tension I'd been carrying. They are kept in a keepsake box and I don't take them out much but having them around brings a lot of comfort.
The "Introducing Me" outfit is adorable and my other favorite is the pink "I love Mommy" onesie.
You are every bit as crazy as I am, so we can be crazy together!!! No, I think what you are doing is all part of your process of working through all of this. I still find myself wanting to buy Juanito things and I see baby items and I want them so bad! I am just glad that I have put myself on a budget and I can't splurge or I would probably do the same thing as you. You just do what you need to do to work through all of this.
Sending you GIANT hugs xoxox
That "Introducing me" with the monkey and the polka-dots. Too cute.
A similar thing happened to me when my friends' baby had these cute little shoes, little pink ones with flowers. I saw them at Target, so I just decided to get them, and it felt good. I'm sad she'll never wear them, but somehow it did feel good to get them.
I have also bought many little toys and rattles for Lula, especially things with dragonflies, butterflies, or fairies.
So, no, I don't think you're crazy. We all just do what we gotta do, you know?
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