Today though I felt I had to write...facebook has this new "timeline" profile where you can easily go back and look at all the past posts, comments, pictures...everything you've ever posted on facebook before. It's a gift and curse all in one. Of course I was curious to look back at my posts from when Leila was born. I thought it was a good idea at the time...but it only made me feel worse. I had so much hope for her, for us...and then on April 9, 2010 that all came crashing down. I remember not wanting to post anything about her dying that day...so I waited. Then people started asking me for an update with her and I finally had to post something on the 13th. I remember this chunk of time like it was yesterday...how I felt, what I was thinking, what people said to me. I was crushed to say the least. Looking at those posts honestly ruined the holidays...not that they were so spectacular to begin with, but Christmas is my favorite holiday. Now that Leila is gone and I have no other children, it's so hard to be really excited for the holidays. All the presents I'm buying for other people has got me thinking about how I should be buying them for my baby instead. I'm not buying clothes or toys for her this year...only things in memory or in honor of her...and I.Hate.It.
I miss her so much.
Leila,
I'm sorry I haven't written to you in so long, but I think about you daily, no lie...and even more than that. I've seen you in my dreams recently and I'm so grateful for that. I wish I could see you more than that, but I know I can't be selfish. I can't believe your second birthday is coming up so fast and I'm not really sure what to do this year. Your mom has been so caught up in trying to keep busy, that I haven't even been able to sit down and just breathe for a minute. I hope to be able to get back to doing things I love...mostly crocheting...but we'll see. I know your Daddy and I aren't together anymore but we plan on coming to see you together. I hope you know we both love you SO much and think about you constantly. You are never forgotten, my baby.
Mama loves you sweetie.
