This REALLY Hit Home **spoiler alert**

Did it anyone catch Grey's Anatomy tonight? I called it. Don't read if you haven't watched it yet and don't want to know what happens...

I knew they were going to get into a car accident and end up delivering the baby early. 23 weeks...Can you say WOW?! This episode REALLY hit home for me tonight. Leila was born 23 weeks 6 days. The baby was tiny...1lb 1oz...Leila was bigger at 1lb 7oz, but still tiny...I held my breath as they carried the baby out of Callie's belly and tried to revive her. When she took that first breath I let go and the tears did not stop flowing. It was SO overwhelming. It brought back so many emotions of having to give birth to Leila so early and so little. It's starting to feel like "remind Kalia she has a dead baby week". So many triggers, let me tell you. Oh and when "big" Grey is telling Derek how fucked up (excuse my language) the universe is, I nodded in agreement and laughed. She's SO right. I can't find ANY reason the universe chooses people randomly to let suffer...maybe I haven't gotten to that stage where I can understand and appreciate what I've been through like some others I've seen...I'm just not ready yet. As far as the baby goes...I have no faith she'll survive. It sounds heartless and cruel, but I already know the ending to so many stories like mine and so many others'...how can you possibly believe she'll live? Callie will end up being a BLM just like us. :'( I know she's not real and she's just a character in a story, but we're SO alike you just can't help but feel connected to her. I absolutely have to watch next week. It's like I want to relive my experience. I just want to feel normal again...like I'm not the only one that this has happened to...like I'm not the only one who feels the way I did about having a micro-preemie. So many emotions...

On another note, today I met THE sweetest woman. For my senior capstone I decided to take a Lesbian and Gay class. I said something about my family and at the end of the class one of the women came up to me and told me how brave I was for speaking up. It was about the Hawaiian people and how (haole) Americans have stolen our land and completely disrespected our culture and values...anywho, we got to talking about how my cousin recently "came out". My auntie texts me the other day and said she feels like she "lost her son". I, actually having lost a child, & understanding how this feels, can tell you that having a child whose gay does NOT compare to having no child at all. I explained to the woman I met how I HAVE had a baby and lost her and how much of a slap in the face it was to hear my auntie completely take for granted the son that she STILL has. She's so worried about who he decides to love, that she can't appreciate that her child is still healthy and ALIVE and that's what really matters most. She needs to accept him for WHO he is and stop worrying about shit that he did not choose. Anyways, this is getting off topic, what this is really about is how sweet the lady was to me and how much we connected. She hugged me, rubbed my back and was genuinely sorry that I had lost my child. We talked for much longer after that and I can definitely say I've found a friend in this 60 something year old woman. She's the sweetest "stranger" I've met in real life. Thank you L for your kind words today.

Leila,

Did you WATCH that episode with me tonight? Oh my goodness all these thoughts went through my head about when they tried to revive you. Did it take long? Who was there? I don't even know the answers to these questions because they took you away so quickly and I was out of it. Why didn't I even think to ask these questions? I wish we could have that happy birth moment every parent dreams of having when they're pregnant with their 1st child. Now my only thoughts from here on out will be is he/she alive? It's terrible, I know. I hope Mommy can one day be that naive mother I once was, but I don't think that's ever coming back...

I miss you little one...you can't imagine how much...Even though you're gone I still look for ways to keep you near me...things to buy that I can remember you with...things to do in memory of you and it seems that every single thing I do these days IS because/for you. Ya know, one thing I've realized today is that you've made me a much more passionate person. I think about what I want, and I imagine myself doing it/getting it and eventually, I will. I have so many plans for the future, which is pretty silly considering we all know how much those don't work. All this is kind of vague, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Oh about today, was that you? I seen that book called "Roses" by Leila something in the bookstore a few weeks back and today I seen it again in a lady's hand on the MAX. Is that you saying hello? :) I smiled when I seen it because it felt like you saying hello. :) Sweetie, will you come to me in my dreams tonight?? I've missed you so much and have been waiting to see you again. Mama has to sleep now, but I hope we'll see each other again soon.

Mama loves you baby girl!

Remembering 3/27/10

Each day I will be posting my updates from this time last year while we were in the NICU...just as a reminder of our time with Leila and to remember how hard she fought.

Today my family and I went to see my daughter Leila. She looked really good. It seems like everyday her skin is starting to look better and better. It doesn't look as red as it used to...seems like she's getting more color. They took all of the junk off of her so I can see her beautiful face now :) There are still tubes and everything just less tubing around her face...She is still on the ventilator. They tried to put the CPAP on her the other day but it only lasted for a few minutes until she got tired and had to be put back on the ventilator. They say they'll try again when they feel she might be able to handle it better. I hope that time is soon...but no rush Leila! ...you do everything on your own time! My mom and I brought a picture of us to put near her bassinet. Unfortunately the nurse made us put it pretty far away from the bassinet but I think she knows we're there regardless...it seems like none of the other babies in the NICU have pictures or anything near them :( Easter's coming up and my mom and I plan on decorating around her bassinet lol I think we'll be the only ones but...whatever! :D Leila will appreciate it! OH today my mom and I met the sweetest couple! Their baby Andre is my baby's neighbor! Pretty much the same thing happened to her (Vicki)...she went into pre-term labor for no apparent reason...she was only 8 weeks early though. Her baby was born at 4 lbs and I can't remember how many oz. Looking at him and then looking @ Leila he seems HUGE, but of course he's also really small too compared to the "average" baby. I mentioned the couple because I wanted you all to pray for their family as well! They are also learning to deal with their new lives and trying to cope with not being able to bring baby Andre home with them...I hope they are able to take him home sometime soon!On another note let me tell you a story!...not a good one but none the less a story I guess...today while SO and I were visiting with Leila he saw something on her face...it was almost like a scar/scab...because apparently one of the nurses was taking the tape off of her chin (from the chin strap they had on her) and since her skin is so delicate it is easy to rip/tear...WELL this woman DIDN'T take off the tape properly and basically ripped my baby's skin off!!!!!!!!!!! UGH I was SO angry I can't believe this happened and NO ONE even had the decency to give one of us a phone call...another nurse told us about it and said that nurse hasn't dealt with babies this small or this early (I can't remember which one it was) but if that's the case then WHY THE HELL IS SHE AROUND MY BABY?!!! This is NOT acceptable...I'm calling her Dr. tomorrow and letting him know how upset we are...I know it was an accident but we can't afford to have "accidents" and if there was one we should have AT LEAST been notified...my SO was SO upset :( he kept telling Leila how sorry he was and that he wouldn't let anyone hurt her again. UGH this makes me feel SO bad just talking about it...On a happier note...today while SO was visiting, the nurse told him that he could change her diaper!! :D he was too scared though...he didn't want to hurt her :( I was kind of upset but I understand...he will try next week though! BUT he was able to take her temp. and rub Aquaphor on her body to keep her moisturized...after that he said the nurse should have let him rub Aquaphor on her body first because now he feels like he can do anything! lol I took pix! it was SO adorable while he was doing it and he was talking to her about how he would do it all the time for her to make her comfortable...WELL I think that's all for today...until next time!

Take Care everyone,

Kalialani

I remember this day like it was yesterday...I'm sure I will say that about everyday I remember your days in the NICU. It's all still so fresh in my mind. The warmth of your skin, the tight grip of your tiny little fingers, your daddy's toes, all of that hair, your little whimper...it all seems so familiar. I miss you like no other, my sweet baby.

Love,

Mama

3/22/11 Happy 1st Birthday baby girl

I didn't really have time to write yesterday, but I wanted to update on Leila's 1st birthday. First of all, I can't even believe so much time has passed already...where does the time go?? The day before her birthday was worse than the actual day itself...which was weird for me. I went to work like any other day (3/21) and a simple question was asked..."how was your weekend?" I started bawling telling my boss how shitty is was. Poor him. I felt bad for making it awkward for him, but I couldn't help it. He told me I could take a minute to myself if I needed it. I definitely took advantage of that. I have yet to believe that this is truly my life. It's just a slap in the face everytime I think she should be here and she's not. Mustafa drove me to work the other day and all I could think about was the fact that Leila should be in the backseat buckled in her carseat...why isn't she then?...

On her actual birthday we went to the cemetery to visit her. I was SO happy her gravemarker was placed finally a few days before (which I forgot to post a picture of...remind me please). We stopped by Safeway to pick up some flowers, where I actually found the PERFECT dragonfly balloon. Or should I say it found me?...or like Ann says, "Leila wanted that and made you get it for her." :) I like that reason better. We all got her like 3 cards each because I just could decide on one, I swear they were all so perfect. Again, she probably wanted those cards for her birthday :) We put everything in her area and took pictures. My little sister (10 yrs old) started bawling :'( I wasn't crying at the time, but seeing her cry touched my heart and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Oh p.s. I just wanted to give HUGE thanks to everyone that acknowledged Leila's 1st birthday and even those who didn't publicly, but thought of us on that day. I swear they made all the difference in the world. We got SO much support from all of our BLM (Leila's Aunties) and a few other people. I just can't thank you all enough. We weren't able to light sky lanterns last night like I wanted to (since it was raining), but we plan on doing that as soon as the weather allows us to.

Leila,

My sweet, beautiful, little BIG girl...I can't believe you're 1 year old already. I just know that you were thrown a HUGE party...with all your cousins up there...there is bound to be some trouble ;) Did you read Tutu's poem she wrote you for your birthday? Doesn't she always know the words to say? She truly has a gift, I'll be sure to post that soon so everyone can see how much you're loved and remembered. :) I keep wondering how you look now. Are you walking yet? Did your hair get long and curly yet like I imagined? Did your Tutu Nui throw you a party up there? She's always the life of the party :) I hope my Tutu Nui danced hula for your party. She couldn't wait to be up there to "dance with the girls" again. I miss you sweetie. You mean everything to me and I want you to always know that. Each year when it seems others might have forgotten your special days, just know that your mama will always remember and celebrate your special days...and SO many other people will for that matter. You've touched SO many lives in your short time here and even after you went to heaven. I'm still getting messages from people that have followed your story from the beginning and continue to think of you often. Thank you "N" who messaged me today. You truly made my day with that message. I promise I didn't think you were some weirdo lol :) Mama loves you Leila and I hope you had the BEST birthday ever. I can't wait to celebrate WITH you someday. Miss you baby girl!

Love,
Mama

Sad.

Feeling sad tonight. Another dear BLM lost her rainbow :( Life just isn't fair...I don't care what anyone says. Thinking of Little Bee & his/her big sister, always and forever.