Leila's grave marker (2nd post of the day, SORRY)

I completely forgot to show you guys the design for Leila's grave marker...don't worry about the crappy photoshop job I did, the background is like 20 different squares of the tropical green stone I picked (after I changed my mind about the original stone I liked) because google images didn't have a bigger picture of it...

A HUGE thank you to Antoinette because she helped me pick out a dragonfly I really liked! :D I showed her the original design I had and she liked it but I've changed it a bit since then so I wanted to show her and the rest of you here. I've sent in the design and they are supposed to send me what it would look like back (to be approved). I hope it looks the exact same way...

Anyways here it is

Those are her actual footprints by the way :) oh and I got the saying "bright-eyed and strong-spirited" from a NICU nurse that wrote that in the card they sent to me for Leila :) Thank you Susan! I love it and I can't wait 'til it actually gets put in...hopefully that can get done this year! :/

Leila,

I hope you like the design of your stone mommy made with the help of Auntie Ann and one of your nurses Susan!

Mommy loves you baby girl!

Honi Honi (kisses)

I want you back old life!

Today sucks...so did yesterday...and almost every day this week.

I miss Leila, but that's nothing new. I called in sick to work today because my head just needs a break. I had SUCH a bad headache this morning because I barely got ANY sleep last night. Mustafa and I were sitting up talking most of the night about how I'm feeling and what's been bothering me. The fact that my friend asked me if I had gone to counseling yet because I seem angry lately bothered me...A LOT. I tried not to let it get to me, but it really pissed me off. Do people think my pet died or something? Do they think I can just flush it all down the toilet like a goldfish and forget she ever existed? I don't think so. They have NO idea what I'm going through...what ANY of us go through, yet they are quick to judge. I could write a damn series of books on the hurtful things people say (intentionally and unintentionally)...I always wonder if they even heard what the hell they just said and if it makes sense to them. Asking me if I think God took her away because I wasn't ready is at the very top of my list. Now you tell me why you even think that makes sense in your head. Do you know how many thousands of women have TONS of babies and treat them like crap or neglect them or even (heaven forbid) kill them!? SO WHY would God pick on me specifically only because I'm 20 years old? and who's to say that I CAN'T take care of my baby? You obviously don't know me that well because anyone that knows me knows I would have been a GREAT mother and I would have done ANYTHING for Leila...Age means nothing. My mom was 16 when she had me and she is ONE hell of a mom, let me tell you that. She didn't end up a statistic. She is VERY intelligent, she has a WONDERFUL family and she definitely takes care of her kids. She went above and beyond what any girl at the age of 16 would do. Granted, not all 16 year olds have the drive that she does, but still...this is just my point, age doesn't mean shit. Everyone is different and I was DEFINITELY ready to have my baby.

The things people say...my mom and I went to the gym this morning and after our workout we went into this deep conversation about death and how it would be if the people we loved were still here. As you all might have known from my past post Dear God, it's me... my Tutu died when I was 12. My mom and I were talking about how after she died people said some pretty stupid shit...but why am I surprised? My Tutu got into a car accident and was wearing her Hawaiian heirloom bracelet so it was returned to my mom after she passed away. It was almost in perfect condition and when my Uncle's sister-in-law seen it she said, "Man that looks GREAT, you should have seen it after the wreck, it was REALLY bent up." WOW...I CAN NOT believe she just said that. It's just AMAZING to me how death can bring out the STUPID in people...UGH.

Well besides that, my mom and I were talking about if my Tutu were still here. She was a truck driver so she was always on the road, but if I called her to tell her when I went into labor she would have been here in a heartbeat. She would have been there for the birth, she would have been by Leila's side in the NICU every single minute of the day. She would have been by my side when Leila passed away and comforted me to no end. I think I told you guys this [maybe not] but she was a baby loss mom as well. She lost her baby in a car wreck (ironically enough) when the baby was just 6 months old. My mom told me about how broken down my Tutu was (this was before my mom was even born). She was told this by my Papa...he told my mom how she wanted to be dead when my Auntie Tammy died. Unfortunately I know her pain. Before, I couldn't even imagine, now I know how she feels. At the time she didn't know she was pregnant with my Uncle but when she found out, she knew there was still something to live for. That's how I feel sometimes. There's nothing to live for now, my baby doesn't need me anymore but I need her. I feel like there's no hope. I can't have my baby back, I won't be able to have another baby and that's just life. You might just think I'm over exaggerating but I seriously don't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I miss my baby, I miss my Tutu, I just miss my old life and wish it would come back. I wish I didn't have to witness death's ravaging appetite. I wish it would just swallow me whole as well...

Leila,

You don't know how badly I want to be up there with you, to hold you, to feed you, to make you laugh, to love you, to take care of you...I just want to be with you. Mommy knows she can't go up there quite yet, but it doesn't mean I can't dream. I think about you every minute of every day. Some days my emotions get the best of me but others I can think of you, smile and say "that's MY baby". You ARE my baby no matter what. You are SO special to me and I couldn't think of having any other baby BUT you. I often wonder what you're doing up there. Are you having big dinners with family? Is Tutu Nui up there with you and taking care of you and Auntie Tammy? What about GREAT Tutu Nui? is she making you guys laugh with all the crazy things she says at the dinner table? :) I miss you all SO much baby girl. Please tell them all that. I love you beyond the extent I ever thought I could and I can't WAIT to be with you again.

P.S. Say hi to all my nieces and nephews up there please!

Mommy loves you sweetie

Thanks Facebook...

So logging on to facebook this morning ruined my day yet again. A couple months ago I deleted a girl I went to middle school who was also pregnant (due after me). She tried to re-add me and I politely messaged her back explaining my reason for deleting her. She wasn't upset, she let me have my space and told me if I needed anything to contact her. I was appreciative and moved on with my life. Apparently facebook shows what your friends are commenting on even when you are not friends with the people whose status they comment. The pregnant girl's status was the one I was "greeted" with today. Her baby girl was born today and she just "loves her baby SO much already". UGH! Now don't get me wrong...I would NEVER wish this life on ANYONE but as you all know, this makes me sad for ME. I am sad that I wasn't the one whose status was updated about the happy healthy birth of my child this month. Instead that day came and went so fast most people didn't even know I had a baby. Some are JUST now realizing I was pregnant after HUNDREDS of status updates about my living and then dead baby...that makes me feel good...NOT.

So anyways, I immediately update my status out of sadness and frustration saying "I hate facebook...seriously what's the point in deleting people who are having babies (because it hurts seeing it so much) when you end up seeing it ANYWAY because other people you know comment on them..thanks facebook for ruining my day once again...UGH"... Usually I don't like to "rain on someone's parade," but today I'm just not feeling the whole worrying about everyone else's feelings thing. Well anyways after this update I get an instant message from a friend who first asks me if she can ask me a question. Then she proceeds to ask me if I've gone to counseling. She told me she's SO sorry and she's worried about me because she's noticed I've been so angry lately...well who the hell wouldn't be angry after their baby dying?! Not me anyways...Then she tells me she didn't want to offend me but this has been heavy on her heart lately and she doesn't like that she can't do anything to help me. OK, well I appreciate that she realizes she can't do anything for me and she wishes she could, but the fact that she said she noticed I've been angry lately kinda rubbed me the wrong way. It may just be the baby loss mama in me taking everything personally, but that just made me feel like she expects me to be all sunshine and rainbows. I'm not really sure what people expect from me, but whatever it is I hope they drop that shit at the door because there are NO expectations when it comes to grief. This rollercoaster ride is a pretty fucked up one if you ask me (excuse my language) and I don't think that anything can be expected from anyone grieving the death of their child.

So all this has just got my blood boiling. I'm back to my angry side of grief and it's kicking my ass. I'm angry that I don't have my daughter in my arms, that we couldn't announce her birth to everyone this month with a healthy 7 or 8 lb baby. I'm angry that I will never get to take her to her first day of Kindergarten or watch her graduate high school. I'm angry I will never hear the words "I love you Mom" come out of her mouth. I'm angry at SO many things that this list could go on forever. Point is...I JUST WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK.

Sorry guys for rambling but I'm just having a really bad day. I just miss Leila beyond what my heart can endure today.

OH MAN OH MAN...in the middle of writing this, that "friend" I talked about in earlier posts...I've probably said her name but I'll just say "D" now...well she was the one I messaged and practically tore a new ass hole for (for good reason though). Anyways, supposedly she just got my message and wants to talk to me in person. HMMM She picked the wrong day...don't think I'm calling her back. I don't need more crap today to be mad about. ****SIGH****

Leila,

I'm sorry I haven't talked you in a while baby. There is NO excuse and Mommy's sorry. I miss you so much Leila... Hey I forgot to tell you I met with Juanito's mommy the other day. :D I'm sure you two have met each other already but if you haven't then you guys SHOULD. Juanito has such a wonderful family and I'm SO happy we were able to get together, even if just for a moment. Oh and guess what else? Michelle (Auntie to you young lady) got you a little "Precious Moments" angel. It's so cute and says a prayer when you push its belly. I'll take pictures of your little angel at your grave the next time I go. Speaking of your grave, your Auntie Ann was helping me look for the perfect dragonfly for your stone and I'm pretty sure I found it. I'm SO excited to see how everything turns out and I can't wait to see it. You know I'd much rather be designing an outfit or blanket for you or maybe even a scrapbook, but I gotta get what I can take...*sigh* I just miss you so much baby girl. I wish I could hold you again. I love you my baby...A hui hou (until we meet again).

Love,
Mommy

E Tutu, Hau'oli La Hanau!

(Happy Birthday Tutu!...Tutu means Grandma for those of you that don't know)

Today, 61 years ago my Tutu was born into this world, her beauty unsurpassed and spirit like no other. She touched many lives and MORE. She was a truck driver. She LOVED to travel the world and meet new people. Everywhere she went she made friends with strangers and they talked as if they had known each other for years. Family was always her priority and she went above and beyond for her family. She was always willing to take in and raise kids who weren't her own and raised them with pride. Her smile could light up any room and the sound of her voice could make anyone smile. I was lucky to have had her in my life for almost 13 years, but wish there were many more. 8 years ago my Tutu died in a car crash and was gone so suddenly. I remember every moment with her leading up to that day. We had taken the weekend off to visit family in Washington for Memorial day weekend. We all stayed at my Tutu Nui's (Great Grandma) house like always. There were SOOOO many cousins, aunties and uncles that came. My Tutu was sitting on the floor singing Itsy Bitsy Spider to the kids and moving her fingers as if it were a spider. She kept doing something funny and the kids would laugh in the middle of the song. That weekend was a really good weekend with all the family and I couldn't wait to have more time with my Tutu. Unfortunately that came to a screeching halt the day she died. I miss her with ALL my heart and wish my Tutu was still here with me.

Tutu,

I just want to tell you Happy Birthday today. I hope you are having a party up there with all of the Aunties and Uncles ESPECIALLY with my Auntie Tammy and my precious Leila. I know you are taking REALLY good care of her and I wanna thank you for that. She is my world and I wouldn't have her with anyone else up there BUT you and Tutu Nui. I love you all with ALL my heart and I hope you eat TONS of delicious cake for me because I can't enjoy it! (vegan) lol. A Hui Hou (until we meet again) Tutu.

Aloha wau ia 'oe (I love you)

Love always,

your granddaughter Kalialani

I did it again...

I don't know WHY I do this to myself...seriously...

Mustafa texts me today and says he's having a rough day. He misses Leila and just wants this pain to go away. I tried to comfort him to let him know it was OK to feel that way and that I miss her SO much too. My day was "OK" I guess you could say...until I did it. I went back to my birth club to look at everyone's babies. I can't frickin help that every time I log in it gives me updates on my "friends". I DON'T want to look at their pictures but when they're RIGHT in front of my face I can't help but look. Now here I am wondering how different my life would have been had I just had a baby this month. I can't imagine the happiness I would have felt of bringing Leila home with me and getting to bond with her as she nursed in the middle of the night. That's a feeling I WISH I could have experienced. I brought her home with me eventually, but as you all know she was already gone. I didn't get to change her diaper in the middle of the night or feed her and feel her warm cheeks on my skin...I only got to hold her cold body so close to me as my tears fell on her forehead. That was the extent of our bonding time after "bringing home baby". This makes me Sad...EXTREMELY sad and now I'm having one of "those" days again. I miss my baby. I want her back.

Leila,

Your daddy and I miss you to no end today. I still can't believe you're not here with us. I look at other babies who would have been about your age (had you been born in July) and I wonder what you would've looked like at 6 or 7 pounds. It's crazy to even think about. I know you would've had a lot of hair! You know what they say about heartburn! Well the heartburn came and NEVER stopped with you. Just drinking water would give me heartburn. I miss you being in my belly little one.

Mommy loves ALWAYS and FOREVER

it's back to "WHY ME?!"

So...here I am back to thinking WHY ME?! I was doing so good and then it hits me that it's summer time. I'm here with my friend at the waterfront (just the two of us) when I should be having a baby in a stroller or carrying her in her sleepy wrap. UGH. It's like a slap in the face once again. No baby in my arms while my heart gets ripped out of my chest every time I see another happy family walk by...I wonder if that will ever be me. Who knows if I'll even be able to have a rainbow, much less keep him/her. Like I tell everyone else, I think I will end up having more losses before [if] I ever have a baby to take home. :( I don't know why I think like this, I just can't help it. I feel like I might be bringing bad energy to my life by thinking this way but how the hell do you not think like this when you've lost all hope in life? I could never have anticipated this would be my life today. You know the age old question they ask you in elementary school? "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" My response? I'm going to be a doctor and have a big family in a nice house and I'm going to be RICH!...Boy was I wrong! Who would ever think to say "I will have a baby at 20 years old and she will die. Who knows if any more children will ever be in the picture."...YUP that's my new life. I keep wondering where it all started. Was it me getting pregnant so young that did the trick? After Leila died I got asked this question..."do you think God took her away because you weren't ready?"...I thought to myself now WHY in the hell would that be the case when there are thousands of women in the world that bear SO many children that they are no doubt incapable of parenting?...and sometimes even go so far as to kill their own children. TELL ME THE LOGIC IN THAT! In any case, I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it just got me thinking then what the hell is the reason? This same question asked in SO many lives will go unanswered until we ourselves get to heaven and are able to ask the man Himself.

Besides this whole why me idea, I have come across [yet again] another person who I suppose doesn't know what to say...this one always gets me. A good friend of mine and I were talking about if I had gone to a support group or not to talk about my feelings. I responded and then added to and said I wish you were there when Leila was in the NICU just so you could get to meet her. She was SO tiny but SO adorable...I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty but I truly wished he was there. He completely ignored what I said and then 5 minutes later asked me if someone I knew was going to a party that night. I was pissed to say the least. How do you completely disregard everything I said and then proceed to change the subject? WOW. Well I guess I won't be voluntarily speaking to him any more...UGH

Leila,

Mommy's sorry for yet another negative post. I don't want you to think I was always like this. I was once extremely happy with my life...that was the moment I found out you were there. I was SO excited to meet you that I often cried at the fact that you were in my belly. Ahh the emotions of pregnancy...gotta love 'em. To be honest you were the BEST thing that ever happened to me and to have you taken away so soon really hurts me. I wish I could have done something more to save you. Sometimes I think I was the one that caused you to be born so early. Did I do something wrong sweetie? I'm SO scared to pick up your death certificate for fear of it saying something I had no idea about. Then I'll feel like the worst Mommy in the world. I'm SO sorry if I put you through any pain, I just wanted to give you a chance at life. A chance that the doctor said would be impossible...but you lived. Even if it was for just a short time you still beat the odds. You didn't go without a fight that's for sure.

I love you my baby and you are THE strongest little girl I know!

Love,

Mommy

It's all about ME!

Julie over at My Sweet Kenny wrote a post about her being "more than stillbirth" and made a good point about wanting to know more about these women who we have become so close to but know hardly anything about (besides our losses of course). So this post is dedicated to myself I guess...

My name is Kalialani if you guys haven't noticed. :) I'm from Oakland, California but moved to Oregon at the end of my high school years. BLAH! I hated Oregon lol but now I'm "used to it" I guess you could say. I'm 20 years old (21 in November) and going into my 4th year of college (hopefully graduating next spring term). I WAS in school as a pre-med student but after my daughter died I realized NICU nursing was more my calling. So it's on to an accelerated nursing program after I get my Bachelor in Health Sciences. I work in the admissions office at my University and it's...a job I guess...don't plan on being here much longer. If you're wondering about my ethnicity I am HAWAIIAN and PORTUGUESE. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. We have a daughter together named Leila Keolalani :) (as you all know). She is a mix of Hawaiian, Portuguese and Egyptian! [WHAT a mix huh? :D ]I am exactly 5 feet tall...I KNOW I'M SHORT...but I like to say "I'm not short, I'm fun-size" lol Anyways, my best friend's name is Jordan...although I have come across some REALLY great friends here, as well as my friend Katie who has been the BEST person (in my real life circle of friends) to talk to. I LOVE to read, I LOVE to blog, I like to crochet (need to work on new stitches though lol), I love to dance hula (ancient Hawaiian story-telling I guess you could call it). My family is MY LIFE. My mom has been the most influential person on me and is the GREATEST woman I know (even though we have our differences sometimes, I love her to death and wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for her!) . My step-dad is my REAL dad. My biological father is just that...he helped create me, not raise me (but he is my father nonetheless and I love him regardless). I'm not a party animal by any means lol I'm more laid back and would rather sit on my couch and watch a movie or go take a walk downtown as opposed to going to clubs every weekend. Parties have never been appealing to me :/ I'm not shy but I guess I'm not TOTALLY outgoing either. I'm a Scorpio so I keep a LOT of things inside and tend to be emotional (VERY emotional). I can be a bitch but only if I'm provoked (or if I'm PMS'n lol) BUT I'd like to think I'm a really nice person otherwise. I love ALL kinds of foods but I LOVE Mexican and Hawaiian food the most I'd have to say. I LOVE Disney movies...I LOVE movies period. OHHH speaking of..if you guys haven't checked out the movie 'Inception' you REALLY should because it was a GREAT movie...Oh and I also saw 'Despicable Me' the other day and it was a REALLY cute movie (animation). OK besides all that I really can't think of anything else to say about myself..or maybe I could and I just don't want to bore you with my narcissism.

Well if any of you have questions I'd be THRILLED to answer them, just ask :)

XOXO

Happy 4 month Birthday baby girl!

Today Leila you are 4 months old. I can NOT believe how fast time flies. I remember writing your 3 month birthday post like it was just yesterday! Like always, I wonder how big you would have been by now. You'd probably be the size you should have been if you were actually born in July. *sigh* I'm really missing out on our walks in the park, zoo and many other things this summer (well my walks and your rides in the sleepy wrap). Daily triggers remind me of what should have been with us. I go to buy something so simple like toothpaste and have to walk past the baby section. I stop and look at clothes I would have bought for you and think how adorable you would have looked in them. I'm sorry we won't be getting any Mommy-daughter time together anymore. :(

Your Daddy and I were talking this morning about what we think the people we love (who have died) will look like when we see them again in heaven. I'd like to think that you will still be a baby but healthy of course and I will get to raise you the way I was supposed to if you were still here. I want to be able to hold you in my arms as a tiny little baby and rock you to sleep every night and play peek a boo with you in the day time to make you laugh. It's really difficult to imagine the possibilities we'd have in heaven. I wonder if we sleep in heaven. Do we? There's no purpose for sleep in heaven so I don't see why we would, but I guess we'll never know 'til we get there. I often wonder if you're up there with my Tutu and Tutu Nui and your Auntie Tammy (whom I never had the pleasure of knowing). Are they keeping you company up there? I love them both to death and I just know they are taking good care of you and I'm sure you are keeping them on their toes! I love you SO much baby girl and can't wait for the day when I hold you in my arms again.

Mommy loves you Leila! and Happy 4 month Birthday mamas!

A bunch of random things...

So I have NO idea what I've talked about lately. I guess it seems like I've missed quite a few things I wanted to talk about so I'll write about them in this post.

First off, 2 of my BLM friends have found their calling. My good friend Ann has started another blog called My Two Cents. Let me just tell you from experience she is the BEST advice giver and I highly recommend you ask her if you ever need someone's "two cents". She doesn't only deal with things about baby loss...ask her anything. My other friend Kristin over at Dear Stevie started a new blog called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. This blog is basically the BEST resource for other Baby loss parents to connect with each other. At some point or another in our grief we have all felt like we were the ONLY ones in the world who've been through this type of loss...turns out we're not. There are SO many other parents who have been through similar losses and even different but we all have a lot of the same feelings. I highly recommend you submit your story. Here's mine.

OK Secondly I wanted to talk about my project. So I've talked previously about Carly over at August 19th Day of Hope and her idea to donate a memory box to your hospital of choice for parents who have lost a baby and leave the hospital with empty arms. I know all too well how that felt and like Carly I want those parents to know that they are not alone. So rather than only donating one box on August 19th I wanted it to be an ongoing thing for as long as my finances will allow me. THANK YOU CARLY for this great idea. At first I thought of getting one memory box together a month then donating them all on Leila's birthday each year but other times I think I might donate one a month. Then I feel bad because I'm sure there will be many more parents (unfortunately) that will lose a baby/babies, so I want them to be taken care of too. Anyways all in all I haven't figured out when/how many I want to donate but I for sure want to have enough for all parents that leave with empty arms. Another idea of mine is donating clothes and blankets to the NICU in honor of Leila. There is a woman who is a friend of the family who designs baby clothes and I've asked her to create a design in honor of Leila (with dragonflies) so that I can buy in bulk and donate these items to the NICU for all the babies. She has agreed to help by designing something, so I'm pretty excited to see what she comes up with! Thank you Nicole for helping me!

Another thing is that I still would like to do something for baby loss parents (pictures of their babies names) but haven't exactly figured out what kinds of pictures I want them to be soooo that idea still needs some working on.

Anyways thanks you guys for listening to me ramble!


Mommy loves you Leila!!

Abandonment

I was just thinking about a lot of things lately. After reading a few of my BLM friends' posts I've noticed that we've all felt a sense of abandonment at one point or another during our grief.

I will never understand why 1. we have lost our babies and then 2. we are alienated by many of our friends and family members. I know they will NEVER understand our pain unless (heaven forbid) they've been through it themselves, but I still just wish they would be there through thick and thin...isn't that what they're there for? What the hell has this world come to that the people that "care" about us most have abandoned us?

Thinking back to when I first told my parents I was pregnant, I remember my mom telling my Uncle about it and me getting a phone call from him (yup, a lecture) about what I have to do to stay on track now that I'm pregnant. People...I am 20 years old...now I know in your eyes I'm a baby but I've been living on my own since I was 17, going to college and trying to make something out of myself. I was PRE-MED for God sakes...I DO have SOME sort of responsibility (I'd like to think anyways). After all that was said and done I went on with my pregnancy and OWNED it. I loved everything about pregnancy and as a side note if I could carry babies for other people who can't, I SURE would. Anyways...on with my story...Leila was born March 22, 2010. Some family members came to visit and I was SO grateful for that. Others, particularly the lecturer did not come, call, anything. Leila died April 9, 2010. Many family members said NOTHING about her life or death. Wow. Nothing? Yes, NOTHING. Now my Uncle has been in contact with my mom ever since then (we'll call him Uncle L [for lecturer]) and has not said ONE word about my daughter...hasn't even spoken her name once. He calls my mom the other day and tells her ALL about his life and family. Not ONCE did he ask about my mom's life or kids. He's never called me to say he's sorry for my loss. We haven't even spoken since that lecture he gave me. WOW are you kidding me? He SURE did have an opinion when I did something "negative" [according to everyone else] but when my daughter DIES did he pick up the phone? Uhhh NOPE.

Anyways I guess my point is people sure do know how to kick you when your down...even if it's not intentional. WHY is it SO easy to be involved in someone's life prior to and then when tragedy hits, they ditch you...thanks alot people.

Anyways I'm SO sorry to the BLM's that have to deal with this crap. It's really not fair and I wish I was there IRL (in real life) for ALL of you. You all have seriously been my rock and I consider you my family. Thank you for always sticking around...no matter what!

Love you!

Leila,

Guess what sweetie! Daddy is making a song for you. Him and your Uncle Eman have been working on the beat for this song ALL day and Daddy's really excited about it. I'm anxious to hear it (whenever they finish it) and I hope you like it. I've been missing you like crazy, especially when my Mommy goes to the doctor and sees all these Mommies with their babies. :( That's when I'm reminded that I don't have you with me...but guess what baby! I got your little present you sent me today! It really made my day so THANK YOU SO MUCH baby. All the dragonflies were SO cute! There were 2 (1 red and 1 blue) that sat for so long!..long enough for me to take a picture!

I don't know if you can see them but there they are! I love them! There was another really bright blue one that kept flying around that I wanted to get a picture of but I couldn't catch it. I'm sure it was you playing with me :) OH and guess what else! lol a bird POOPED on my arm when I was looking in the pond at the crawfish. EWWWW I bet you were laughing at me huh? Did you tell the birdie to do that for your entertainment? lol well everyone else laughed so I'm sure you did too. Well I hope you enjoyed it sweetie! never again! :D OK well Mommy is going to go sleep now. I hope you visit me in my dreams tonight.

Mommy loves you SO much honey! Goodnight mamas!

Big Day!

So yesterday I reached yet another milestone...many of you already know (from my facebook) but for those of you that don't...I held a baby yesterday for the first time since Leila! It wasn't the negative experience I thought it was going to be (not so much negative, but sad I guess)...

My friend Katie's son Ian had his first birthday party yesterday so I went. It was kind of awkward at first since I didn't know anyone, but that all changed eventually. Katie's niece Alina was being brought to the party (2 months old) and I had been anticipating this moment for a long time now. I hadn't held a baby since I held my own and I knew it would be an emotional time for me. Leila will have been 4 months old on the 22nd of this month and this baby had just turned 2 months old on the 5th. She was sure to be a tiny baby (but not as tiny as Leila of course). Let me just say this baby is a GIANT compared to my teeny petite Leila :) ...even compared to another full term baby she just seems like a giant. She's 12 lbs already and I don't know how many ounces, but she's wearing 3 month old clothing now. If Leila were here I'm sure she'd just NOW be graduating to newborn sizes. My teeny tiny little princess, I miss you :)

So Katie introduced Emily (Alina's Mommy) and I, then asked if I'd like to hold the baby. My heart started pounding and I was almost in tears (don't be confused though ladies, these were tears of joy). Emily handed her over (she knows our story) and I thought oh no I hope she doesn't cry, I will be so sad if I have to give her back. Well, just so happens that she LOVED me! I don't know if it was me or what but she is SUCH a smiley baby and I love it! I held her quite a few times throughout the party and each moment was special to me. It gave me a feeling of hope. Hope that someday this would be me again but I would have my own baby in my arms instead. It doesn't change the fact that my Leila boo will be missing from the picture, but it still gave me something to look forward to.

Here are pictures!

I was talking to her...

and she was SMILING and LAUGHING :)

I couldn't stop smiling and neither could she

what an adorable baby!

makes me miss Leila!...

Leila boo,

I just want you to know that you'd be proud of me! I was able to hold a baby yesterday without breaking down and I actually enjoyed it! But it does makes me miss YOU that much more. I wish we could have had that special time together when I talked to you and heard you laugh for the first time. I will always miss that! I wish I could have kissed your chubby cheeks like I kissed Alina's yesterday. There are tons of things that we won't be able to do, but I will ALWAYS remember the things we were able to do. We did have our special time together. When the nurse first put you in my arms I cried SO much and I had NEVER been that happy in my LIFE than I was that day. April 7th...first day I held my baby in my arms.

I will always cherish that moment FOREVER. You will always be my little princess and I want to tell the world about my daughter.

I love you baby girl!

Love,

Mommy

Dear Leila (on your due date today)

Dear Leila,

There are no more Tuesdays that come and go where I think I should have been ____ weeks pregnant today. Today is your due date and I realize that you might not have come today even if you had gone full term, but I feel like today is another birthday for you anyways. Last night Mommy cried for you. Mommy cried at the thought of not being able to watch you grow up. Every time I see a little girl I think of you and can't help but feel sad that I won't be able to take you to fun places with me and Daddy. I know you would have had SO much fun with us. I know instead of thinking about the sad things Mommy should be thinking about the good things. We got 18 wonderful, most AMAZING days with you and I will ALWAYS cherish them forever. Today Daddy and I were talking about you and we both agreed that you had the cutest little nose ever! By the way, you got that from your mama! :) ...Today we went to see you at your grave..but you already know that! I brought the things that your aunties and uncle made you and it was SO cute. I took a picture!


Oh and by the way Daddy and I designed your stone! We sent the design to the sketch artists (or whatever you wanna call 'em) and they are going to send us a copy of what it would look like and then we have to approve...it's going to be a looong process but don't worry it will get there! I can't wait to see the finished product!

Well let me just say that this day was extremely hard on your mama. I cried and cried and cried, but I know you were by my side the whole time. You know what's funny? Some friends came along with us and there were mosquitos EVERYWHERE...I didn't get ONE mosquito bite when all our friends (including your Daddy) got bit all over...when we got in the car my friend was talking about the mosquitos and said you must have been by my side telling the mosquitos "don't bite my mama!" I laughed and I completely agree with her! You didn't let those mosquitos bite your mama, so I thank you for that baby girl! You know I don't need any more of those irritating and itchy bites :) You're so good to your Mama!

Oh another thing...SO many of your angel friends' mamas made me SO happy today. They were thinking of us and lit a candle for you today! That's how special you are mamas! Here are a few pictures of our friends that lit a candle for you...

From Katie :)

From Ann & Alyssa :)

From Marissa :)

From Michelle :)
From Amanda :)

See how loved you are baby girl?! It makes me SO happy to know that so many people had you in your thoughts today. You are SO special and I can't tell you how proud I am of you. Oh and you know your mama had to light some candles for you too. Here are a couple pictures...

I hope you like your candles Leila.

Just because this day has come and gone doesn't mean that I will EVER stop missing you. Your mama is ALWAYS thinking about you and I will miss you always and forever. You will always be my first-born...I know I will have more kids someday but you and I...we have a special relationship baby girl...that can never be replaced and I hope you know that. You mean the world to me!

I LOVE YOU SWEETIE!!!

Random things

Today Mustafa & I went to the grocery store. The last time we went, the cashier complimented my necklace :) She said how beautiful it was and I said thank you. This time we happened to be in her line again and she told me (again) how much she loved my necklace. This time I told her where I got it from (myforeverchild.com). I told her it was for bereaved parents...I hope I didn't ruin her day lol. She said "really?" I said "yes" and then she apologized for my loss. I said thank you and this opened the door to a conversation about my daughter (I love to talk about her). You know how proud I am of Leila so I just HAD to tell her about her. There wasn't much time as there were people waiting in line behind us. I told her how early she was born and how long she survived. She told me about her friend who recently lost her baby at 5 and 1/2 months I believe? I wanted to know more, but again, there was no time. She apologized again for our loss and we were on our way. I wanted to go back and give her my information (blog) for her friend to visit in case she needed someone to talk to. I know how hard it was for me in the very beginning (still is), but now I have SO many people in the baby loss community who support me and Leila that I'd like her to have that too. I just want her to know she's not alone and that we are always here for her. I didn't end up going back, but I do plan on it.

On another note, I've been feeling creative today. I'm getting into blog design and I LOVE it but don't know that much about html so it's a work in progress. Oh and I LOVE photoshop but again I don't know that much so that's another work in progress. Marissa just got her new camera today YAAAAAY! I'm SO excited for her and I hope I get mine soon too. I'd love to get into photography. I wonder if the NICU would let me volunteer there and take pictures for families with babies in the NICU. I know about NILMDTS but I also wanted to take pictures of the babies while they are in the NICU so that parents have more memories of them. For myself I wish I would have taken TONS more pictures of Leila but everything happened so fast.

Another thing, Carly over at August 19th day of hope has a GREAT idea for families to do for other angel parents. By donating a memory box to a hospital of your choice you could bring comfort to families who leave the hospital with empty arms. This is SUCH a great idea that I think I will not only do it on this day, but also about once a month! For more information check out the link above.

So today I picked out little things for the kids (my brother and sisters) to do for Leila so that Mustafa and I can take them to her spot on Tuesday. They had LOTS of fun and my little brother told me it made him happy to do this for Leila (he's 8)...Here are some pictures

Lehuanani made a bracelet for her

and painted a pinwheel

Makoa made a bracelet for her

and painted a dragonfly

and Kailina painted a butterfly for Leila

...and I got her a little Teddy bear with a butterfly on it

and then made a bracelet with Leila's name

Oh another thing...while I was going to my place to pick up the crafts for the kids I saw a REALLY pretty blue dragonfly...I wish I had a picture of it but I couldn't get my phone out fast enough!

First trimester of loss

Today makes it 3 months since I held my angel. Three months since I saw her eyes open, since I felt her warm skin, since I heard her cry for the very first (and last time), and 3 months since she took her last breath. This day every month means I am further away from the day she died. Does that mean my broken heart should be healed already? Because that's what I feel people expect from me. Friends want to "hang out" and expect me to be happy when I'm not happy at all. I'm not happy that my baby was taken from me, I'm not happy that she had to die and I had to continue "living" life without her. This is not the life I wanted for myself. This surely wasn't what I expected looking back to when I first found out I was pregnant. I never in my wildest dreams thought that this would be my life today. Now I'm here 3 months later with absolutely no baby in my arms. My arms ache for Leila and now that she's gone all I can think about is her guiding a rainbow to me safely. This feels like my only hope at happiness. I know a rainbow would and could NEVER replace my first born baby girl, but the thought of another baby just makes my heart flutter. I long to be a Mommy to an earth baby. I'm tired of looking at pregnant women with envy. If you're not a babyloss mom, you don't understand the pain we feel when we see their growing bellies and remember what we should have had. It's a painful reminder of what we don't have and every pregnant woman that passes is like a knife in my chest.

Well besides being past my first trimester of loss, my due date is coming up on July 13th...some people don't realize how painful this day can be. Even my boyfriend...I guess it's because he wasn't pregnant so he doesn't connect to the day I was supposed to give birth to Leila. He only thinks of the day that she was born and the day she died... but this day will always be etched in MY mind as the day she was due and the fact that she never came on that day or even around that day because MY body failed her. Like I've said before, I just wish the world could skip this day. I have a feeling the pain of her being gone will only be more intense when I come to the realization that she's not coming back. UGH

I haven't decided what I want to do in honor of Leila on her due date. I want to remember her in a special way but haven't figured out what that is yet. I'm taking that day off from work and Mustafa and I will go to the cemetery. I am hoping we will choose her headstone and finally get it done because I really hate that all she has is the ugly plaque still. Yes I know I said I was designing her stone now but I tried emailing the cemetery to ask about designs and they never emailed me back! So I figured we could just figure it out when we get there on Tuesday. I'm excited to see her, I found a perfect little pink baby bear with a butterfly on it that I'm going to get to bring to her, along with some other things. By the way I can't believe I'm saying I'm excited to go the cemetery! UGH

Leila,

Mommy misses you SO much! I know I probably sounds like a broken record but I just don't know what else there is to say. I will never stop missing you and it's pretty much all I think about every single day. Daddy and I are coming to visit you on Tuesday. I hope it's a beautiful day like it has been this past week so we can have a picnic with you. Hmm maybe we should bring your favorite foods...BURRITOS and SOUR CANDY :) ...what a picnic that will be! I can't wait to see you! I have a couple of things for your area that I hope you will like but most of all Daddy and I are going to finally choose your grave marker that day and I hope you like THAT.

I keep having these weird dreams about me holding babies. I wonder if it's because the anticipation I feel for next Friday when I will come face to face with a baby about your age (a little younger) and actually HOLD HER. Can you believe that? I wonder if you guys would have been play date buddies when you both got a little older. It's crazy to think that the baby girl I will be holding won't be YOU. :'( That makes Mommy really sad, but I feel that this might put my anxiousness for a baby on earth to rest...but who knows maybe it will intensify. Mommy just wishes I could have YOU back in my arms sweetie.

Anyways, baby I hope you're having fun up there with all your friends. Give them my love and I want you to know I love you too.

Love,
Mommy

Leila's NICU stay

I decided to add a new page to my blog and it's called "Leila's NICU stay". I started journaling on BBC after Leila was born to keep everyone updated with her status in the NICU. I wanted to put everything in one place so I can look back and remember every detail. As I was reading the posting from Easter I started crying when I read the last part that said, "I can't wait 'til I'm able to do that with Leila". I was SO sure she would eventually come home with me. I remember thinking "there's NO way God would let her die, It's impossible!" "We have ALL these people praying for us so there's NO way she will die" Well I guess prayers weren't all we needed. We needed time...time for her to cook longer in my belly so she'd have more of a fighting chance to survive. Well we didn't have that. She was out and was doing all the work on her own...well I guess the machines helped a little ;/ but MY baby girl fought a GOOD fight all by herself. She came out at 23 weeks 6 days and eyes WIDE OPEN. They said babies' eyes at this age are usually fused shut, well not my baby girl's. She was ready to see the world!

Leila,

Mommy misses you beyond words. My arms ache to hold you once more. That night we had together after you passed meant the world to me. Your spirit was no longer with me but I was able to spend the night with your body and I needed that. You slept in bed with your Daddy and I and it wasn't weird one bit like people may have said/thought. I always tell them "you never know what you would do unless YOU were in that situation". YOU are MY daughter so why should it be weird to have you with me? I couldn't leave you with those strangers...I just couldn't. I remember your Tutu asking me if I wanted to drop you off at the funeral home...uhhh NO I already feel like I left you once (when I went to the NICU parents meeting when you were becoming sick and I didn't even know about it) :( I couldn't leave you again! I feel so bad for leaving you for just that hour and a half. I didn't know that you were sick baby girl. You looked perfect to me and if I would have known I wouldn't have left you. I'm SO sorry. I hope you forgive Mommy. I hope you didn't feel lonely and you know that I was in the same building just not in the room with you. I just wanted to hear happy stories about babies that survived because I was SO tired of hearing the negativity from some of the nurses. Mommy needed to hear that you were going to be OK. Now thinking back on that day I remember being in the meeting and telling the other parents your story. I was SO proud to tell them all about you and they were SO amazed. There was one woman in particular who was the grandmother of another baby in the NICU that said she would be praying for you. She was SO sincere and that made me SO happy to know that people were so touched by your story. You are SUCH an inspiration to others Leila. I miss you my baby. What I wouldn't give to have you back.

Mommy loves you with all my heart!