Leila's NICU stay

I decided to add a new page to my blog and it's called "Leila's NICU stay". I started journaling on BBC after Leila was born to keep everyone updated with her status in the NICU. I wanted to put everything in one place so I can look back and remember every detail. As I was reading the posting from Easter I started crying when I read the last part that said, "I can't wait 'til I'm able to do that with Leila". I was SO sure she would eventually come home with me. I remember thinking "there's NO way God would let her die, It's impossible!" "We have ALL these people praying for us so there's NO way she will die" Well I guess prayers weren't all we needed. We needed time...time for her to cook longer in my belly so she'd have more of a fighting chance to survive. Well we didn't have that. She was out and was doing all the work on her own...well I guess the machines helped a little ;/ but MY baby girl fought a GOOD fight all by herself. She came out at 23 weeks 6 days and eyes WIDE OPEN. They said babies' eyes at this age are usually fused shut, well not my baby girl's. She was ready to see the world!

Leila,

Mommy misses you beyond words. My arms ache to hold you once more. That night we had together after you passed meant the world to me. Your spirit was no longer with me but I was able to spend the night with your body and I needed that. You slept in bed with your Daddy and I and it wasn't weird one bit like people may have said/thought. I always tell them "you never know what you would do unless YOU were in that situation". YOU are MY daughter so why should it be weird to have you with me? I couldn't leave you with those strangers...I just couldn't. I remember your Tutu asking me if I wanted to drop you off at the funeral home...uhhh NO I already feel like I left you once (when I went to the NICU parents meeting when you were becoming sick and I didn't even know about it) :( I couldn't leave you again! I feel so bad for leaving you for just that hour and a half. I didn't know that you were sick baby girl. You looked perfect to me and if I would have known I wouldn't have left you. I'm SO sorry. I hope you forgive Mommy. I hope you didn't feel lonely and you know that I was in the same building just not in the room with you. I just wanted to hear happy stories about babies that survived because I was SO tired of hearing the negativity from some of the nurses. Mommy needed to hear that you were going to be OK. Now thinking back on that day I remember being in the meeting and telling the other parents your story. I was SO proud to tell them all about you and they were SO amazed. There was one woman in particular who was the grandmother of another baby in the NICU that said she would be praying for you. She was SO sincere and that made me SO happy to know that people were so touched by your story. You are SUCH an inspiration to others Leila. I miss you my baby. What I wouldn't give to have you back.

Mommy loves you with all my heart!