My friend Katie's son Ian had his first birthday party yesterday so I went. It was kind of awkward at first since I didn't know anyone, but that all changed eventually. Katie's niece Alina was being brought to the party (2 months old) and I had been anticipating this moment for a long time now. I hadn't held a baby since I held my own and I knew it would be an emotional time for me. Leila will have been 4 months old on the 22nd of this month and this baby had just turned 2 months old on the 5th. She was sure to be a tiny baby (but not as tiny as Leila of course). Let me just say this baby is a GIANT compared to my teeny petite Leila :) ...even compared to another full term baby she just seems like a giant. She's 12 lbs already and I don't know how many ounces, but she's wearing 3 month old clothing now. If Leila were here I'm sure she'd just NOW be graduating to newborn sizes. My teeny tiny little princess, I miss you :)
So Katie introduced Emily (Alina's Mommy) and I, then asked if I'd like to hold the baby. My heart started pounding and I was almost in tears (don't be confused though ladies, these were tears of joy). Emily handed her over (she knows our story) and I thought oh no I hope she doesn't cry, I will be so sad if I have to give her back. Well, just so happens that she LOVED me! I don't know if it was me or what but she is SUCH a smiley baby and I love it! I held her quite a few times throughout the party and each moment was special to me. It gave me a feeling of hope. Hope that someday this would be me again but I would have my own baby in my arms instead. It doesn't change the fact that my Leila boo will be missing from the picture, but it still gave me something to look forward to.
Here are pictures!
I was talking to her...
and she was SMILING and LAUGHING :)
I couldn't stop smiling and neither could she
what an adorable baby!
makes me miss Leila!...
Leila boo,
I just want you to know that you'd be proud of me! I was able to hold a baby yesterday without breaking down and I actually enjoyed it! But it does makes me miss YOU that much more. I wish we could have had that special time together when I talked to you and heard you laugh for the first time. I will always miss that! I wish I could have kissed your chubby cheeks like I kissed Alina's yesterday. There are tons of things that we won't be able to do, but I will ALWAYS remember the things we were able to do. We did have our special time together. When the nurse first put you in my arms I cried SO much and I had NEVER been that happy in my LIFE than I was that day. April 7th...first day I held my baby in my arms.
I will always cherish that moment FOREVER. You will always be my little princess and I want to tell the world about my daughter.
I will always cherish that moment FOREVER. You will always be my little princess and I want to tell the world about my daughter.
I love you baby girl!
Love,
Mommy
6 comments:
Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words & stopping by my blog...I too am so sorry that you know this pain all too well & that you don't have your beautiful Leila here with you.
You're right what you did yesterday was huge & you should feel proud of yourself! Thinking of you & sending love your way!
I still have not held a baby yet and I have only been around rainbow babies. Happy it was a good experience for you!
I'm proud of you - and I know your daughter is so proud of you too.
Those pictures you shared are so lovely - I can see the mother in you shining out!
I completely understand how you felt. I held a baby just about a week after I last held Anthony. I had a sad moment but holding Andrew gave me a sense of peace and hope that I too would be holding another child of my own one day, one that I could take home. It has been four and a half months and Andrew still brings me joy each time I see him. One big step taken for you many more to go. You have all of us behind you.
Talisa
Holding a baby for the first time after your own loss is an amazing milestone. I'm glad your experience was a positive one! I certainly can relate to all the feelings too. (((HUGS))))
That's is beautiful and I am so glad you were able to have that experience..you are so strong!!
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