I will never understand why 1. we have lost our babies and then 2. we are alienated by many of our friends and family members. I know they will NEVER understand our pain unless (heaven forbid) they've been through it themselves, but I still just wish they would be there through thick and thin...isn't that what they're there for? What the hell has this world come to that the people that "care" about us most have abandoned us?
Thinking back to when I first told my parents I was pregnant, I remember my mom telling my Uncle about it and me getting a phone call from him (yup, a lecture) about what I have to do to stay on track now that I'm pregnant. People...I am 20 years old...now I know in your eyes I'm a baby but I've been living on my own since I was 17, going to college and trying to make something out of myself. I was PRE-MED for God sakes...I DO have SOME sort of responsibility (I'd like to think anyways). After all that was said and done I went on with my pregnancy and OWNED it. I loved everything about pregnancy and as a side note if I could carry babies for other people who can't, I SURE would. Anyways...on with my story...Leila was born March 22, 2010. Some family members came to visit and I was SO grateful for that. Others, particularly the lecturer did not come, call, anything. Leila died April 9, 2010. Many family members said NOTHING about her life or death. Wow. Nothing? Yes, NOTHING. Now my Uncle has been in contact with my mom ever since then (we'll call him Uncle L [for lecturer]) and has not said ONE word about my daughter...hasn't even spoken her name once. He calls my mom the other day and tells her ALL about his life and family. Not ONCE did he ask about my mom's life or kids. He's never called me to say he's sorry for my loss. We haven't even spoken since that lecture he gave me. WOW are you kidding me? He SURE did have an opinion when I did something "negative" [according to everyone else] but when my daughter DIES did he pick up the phone? Uhhh NOPE.
Anyways I guess my point is people sure do know how to kick you when your down...even if it's not intentional. WHY is it SO easy to be involved in someone's life prior to and then when tragedy hits, they ditch you...thanks alot people.
Anyways I'm SO sorry to the BLM's that have to deal with this crap. It's really not fair and I wish I was there IRL (in real life) for ALL of you. You all have seriously been my rock and I consider you my family. Thank you for always sticking around...no matter what!
Love you!
Leila,
Guess what sweetie! Daddy is making a song for you. Him and your Uncle Eman have been working on the beat for this song ALL day and Daddy's really excited about it. I'm anxious to hear it (whenever they finish it) and I hope you like it. I've been missing you like crazy, especially when my Mommy goes to the doctor and sees all these Mommies with their babies. :( That's when I'm reminded that I don't have you with me...but guess what baby! I got your little present you sent me today! It really made my day so THANK YOU SO MUCH baby. All the dragonflies were SO cute! There were 2 (1 red and 1 blue) that sat for so long!..long enough for me to take a picture!
I don't know if you can see them but there they are! I love them! There was another really bright blue one that kept flying around that I wanted to get a picture of but I couldn't catch it. I'm sure it was you playing with me :) OH and guess what else! lol a bird POOPED on my arm when I was looking in the pond at the crawfish. EWWWW I bet you were laughing at me huh? Did you tell the birdie to do that for your entertainment? lol well everyone else laughed so I'm sure you did too. Well I hope you enjoyed it sweetie! never again! :D OK well Mommy is going to go sleep now. I hope you visit me in my dreams tonight. Mommy loves you SO much honey! Goodnight mamas!
6 comments:
Kalia,
I found your blog today- and I just want to say, whatever happens I will try my damnedest to be there for you in every way possible. I hope I have shown that already, but if I haven't, I'm saying it now.
You don't deserve what happened to you, no BLM does. And you didn't do anything wrong for it to happen. I heard the other day during a sermon, the pastor said, " Hear me say this, our God is not a nice God, he is a just God. He had a reason for bringing Leila into this world, and then taking her back into his kingdom. You are right in feeling abandoned. God abandoned you when he took your daughter, or at least, it feels that way. He knew you were a strong, loving soul, and wanted you to be able to be there for other BLMS, like I told you last night, for when that mama is in the waiting room, hating every moment of it, you can sit next to her, and hold her hand through the whole traumatic process, because you've been there.
Whatever choices you make, I will be there for you, and support you. I might not be your family, but you are forever in my heart. Your story, journey and words have touched my heart, dear mama.
<3 Katie
Oh no Katie trust me YOU have been there for me. I actually already wrote a post about you being there for me (I can't remember now which post that is) but you really have been SO supportive and I love that I'm able to talk to you about everything and even though you don't know what I'm going through you've always allowed me to express my feelings and I always love what you have to say in return. Thank you for everything Katie :) <3
Wow... I just read your post...all I can say is that you are such a beautiful person, even a-midst your loss. I think Leila's greatest gift to you was bringing out the beauty and honesty in you.
I am glad that I am doing things right- sometimes I worry that I didn't say the right thing, but I am always thinking of what I would want someone to say to me- I would want the truth.
What you have gone through, your story, is so special to me. I can't even explain why, it just is. Maybe its because we know each other? I think maybe its because of how you've grown into such a wonderful person, and someday, a magnificent mother :)
I will try my best to be a support to you- its hard enough to not have support throughout a pregnancy, but to be without it during the loss of your child is just not right. Whenever and whatever, I'm there. okay?
I hear you, people just don't understand & really unless they have experienced it themselves I think it's impossible for them to. I'm so thankful for all of the other BLM's who have blogs...I think of all of you when I'm having a really hard day & feeling isolated in my "real" life. So sorry you've had such insensitive family members.
Ughh...i cant understand why we have to lose so much at such a short time....Uncle L for lecture is also Uncle L for loser in my book...how dare he not discuss your mom's children or life with her? your mother is loving and kind, and im so sorry she has to know someone like this in her life....one sided friends always PISS me off..and he sounds one sided...maybe he should be careful what kind of lectures he gives...most of the time those parents who think they know what is best for someone else's kid....needs to take a look at their own!! im proud of you everyday!!....love you always Kalia...ALWAYS!!
This is one of the reasons I love these blogs so much. The minute you're kicked down by those who are supposed to care the most...you're lifted up by so many up here. We all just get it. ((((HUGS)))))
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