I miss Leila, but that's nothing new. I called in sick to work today because my head just needs a break. I had SUCH a bad headache this morning because I barely got ANY sleep last night. Mustafa and I were sitting up talking most of the night about how I'm feeling and what's been bothering me. The fact that my friend asked me if I had gone to counseling yet because I seem angry lately bothered me...A LOT. I tried not to let it get to me, but it really pissed me off. Do people think my pet died or something? Do they think I can just flush it all down the toilet like a goldfish and forget she ever existed? I don't think so. They have NO idea what I'm going through...what ANY of us go through, yet they are quick to judge. I could write a damn series of books on the hurtful things people say (intentionally and unintentionally)...I always wonder if they even heard what the hell they just said and if it makes sense to them. Asking me if I think God took her away because I wasn't ready is at the very top of my list. Now you tell me why you even think that makes sense in your head. Do you know how many thousands of women have TONS of babies and treat them like crap or neglect them or even (heaven forbid) kill them!? SO WHY would God pick on me specifically only because I'm 20 years old? and who's to say that I CAN'T take care of my baby? You obviously don't know me that well because anyone that knows me knows I would have been a GREAT mother and I would have done ANYTHING for Leila...Age means nothing. My mom was 16 when she had me and she is ONE hell of a mom, let me tell you that. She didn't end up a statistic. She is VERY intelligent, she has a WONDERFUL family and she definitely takes care of her kids. She went above and beyond what any girl at the age of 16 would do. Granted, not all 16 year olds have the drive that she does, but still...this is just my point, age doesn't mean shit. Everyone is different and I was DEFINITELY ready to have my baby.
The things people say...my mom and I went to the gym this morning and after our workout we went into this deep conversation about death and how it would be if the people we loved were still here. As you all might have known from my past post Dear God, it's me... my Tutu died when I was 12. My mom and I were talking about how after she died people said some pretty stupid shit...but why am I surprised? My Tutu got into a car accident and was wearing her Hawaiian heirloom bracelet so it was returned to my mom after she passed away. It was almost in perfect condition and when my Uncle's sister-in-law seen it she said, "Man that looks GREAT, you should have seen it after the wreck, it was REALLY bent up." WOW...I CAN NOT believe she just said that. It's just AMAZING to me how death can bring out the STUPID in people...UGH.
Well besides that, my mom and I were talking about if my Tutu were still here. She was a truck driver so she was always on the road, but if I called her to tell her when I went into labor she would have been here in a heartbeat. She would have been there for the birth, she would have been by Leila's side in the NICU every single minute of the day. She would have been by my side when Leila passed away and comforted me to no end. I think I told you guys this [maybe not] but she was a baby loss mom as well. She lost her baby in a car wreck (ironically enough) when the baby was just 6 months old. My mom told me about how broken down my Tutu was (this was before my mom was even born). She was told this by my Papa...he told my mom how she wanted to be dead when my Auntie Tammy died. Unfortunately I know her pain. Before, I couldn't even imagine, now I know how she feels. At the time she didn't know she was pregnant with my Uncle but when she found out, she knew there was still something to live for. That's how I feel sometimes. There's nothing to live for now, my baby doesn't need me anymore but I need her. I feel like there's no hope. I can't have my baby back, I won't be able to have another baby and that's just life. You might just think I'm over exaggerating but I seriously don't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I miss my baby, I miss my Tutu, I just miss my old life and wish it would come back. I wish I didn't have to witness death's ravaging appetite. I wish it would just swallow me whole as well...
Leila,
You don't know how badly I want to be up there with you, to hold you, to feed you, to make you laugh, to love you, to take care of you...I just want to be with you. Mommy knows she can't go up there quite yet, but it doesn't mean I can't dream. I think about you every minute of every day. Some days my emotions get the best of me but others I can think of you, smile and say "that's MY baby". You ARE my baby no matter what. You are SO special to me and I couldn't think of having any other baby BUT you. I often wonder what you're doing up there. Are you having big dinners with family? Is Tutu Nui up there with you and taking care of you and Auntie Tammy? What about GREAT Tutu Nui? is she making you guys laugh with all the crazy things she says at the dinner table? :) I miss you all SO much baby girl. Please tell them all that. I love you beyond the extent I ever thought I could and I can't WAIT to be with you again.
P.S. Say hi to all my nieces and nephews up there please!
Mommy loves you sweetie
3 comments:
(((((((((((((((bear hugs))))))))))))))
I just wrote a post before I read this, I had seen your title on the blog roll "i want you back old life" and I thought Ughhh that is exactly how I am feeling. Well i just read your post and i feel like I WROTE THIS...well, when you read mine its very similar. No one really gets it do they?
As for your Tutu, I cant imagine the pain she went through and the irony in the whole story, but when you said that I thought of the fact that she WAS with you when you went into labor and she WAS in the NICU and she WAS there to hold Leila and carry into Heaven. I also thought, she must have been so happy to see her baby when she got to Heaven, does that sound awful? I imagine I will be happy when I die because I can hold her again. I say it and still know it cant sound right, I have so much here to still love and yet its my heartbreak that I think of. I know what you mean about not seeing the "light at the end of the tunnel" there is SO MUCH risk for me ttc again. the fear is there 100% and even though I can do it because of my age, its a lot more than that that is stopping me and that sucks too....I guess we will still wait together.
Thinking of you...and seriously we were in each other's heads tonight..go see my post ((big big big hugs))
Uhhh, all I can say is how much I agree. I want my life back too, or even just having Brodie back would suit me just fine. All the other things wouldn't even matter. As for the part you were saying how you get comments that maybe God was telling you that you weren't ready, I HATE those. I'm only 19 so I get that a lot too. I also get the whole thing about how this is supposed to show me that me and my ex don't need to be together. How does that have anything to do with Brodie? People are so stupid, I swear. I cussed one of my best friends out the other day for saying thats the reason Brodie died, and he hasn't talked to me since! You would have done every single thing to make sure Leila was taken care of and loved! You are one of the sweetest women I have ever met, well not actually met you know what I mean haha, but Leila is so lucky to have you as her mommy. And for all of those people that say that, they need to wake up and realize that you are more mature than probably any forty year old woman! After all you've been through, there's no choice but to be mature! Well anyways it's 6 AM here, and I haven't been to sleep yet, so I might try that! (HUGS) Hope tommorrow is a better day!
Ann YES I agree with you my Tutu must have been SO happy when she got to see her baby again. That's the exact same thing I thought after I "got over" my own sadness of her dying. Then after Leila died I think that too, I will be SO happy when I get to see her again and my world will be complete <3 I know I still have things to live for but seriously Leila is ALL I think about. :( and Yes we definitely ARE in each other's heads with these posts!
Mallory I CAN NOT (well I can but you know..) believe someone said that Brodie died because of that! FUCK HIM and I'm SO glad you cussed him out! You don't need that bullshit. I wish you could have Brodie back too. We all miss our babies SO much and I'm just SO thankful I have you guys to pick me up when I'm down and I'm happy to be here for you all too. I love you!
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