Mustafa texts me today and says he's having a rough day. He misses Leila and just wants this pain to go away. I tried to comfort him to let him know it was OK to feel that way and that I miss her SO much too. My day was "OK" I guess you could say...until I did it. I went back to my birth club to look at everyone's babies. I can't frickin help that every time I log in it gives me updates on my "friends". I DON'T want to look at their pictures but when they're RIGHT in front of my face I can't help but look. Now here I am wondering how different my life would have been had I just had a baby this month. I can't imagine the happiness I would have felt of bringing Leila home with me and getting to bond with her as she nursed in the middle of the night. That's a feeling I WISH I could have experienced. I brought her home with me eventually, but as you all know she was already gone. I didn't get to change her diaper in the middle of the night or feed her and feel her warm cheeks on my skin...I only got to hold her cold body so close to me as my tears fell on her forehead. That was the extent of our bonding time after "bringing home baby". This makes me Sad...EXTREMELY sad and now I'm having one of "those" days again. I miss my baby. I want her back.
Leila,
Your daddy and I miss you to no end today. I still can't believe you're not here with us. I look at other babies who would have been about your age (had you been born in July) and I wonder what you would've looked like at 6 or 7 pounds. It's crazy to even think about. I know you would've had a lot of hair! You know what they say about heartburn! Well the heartburn came and NEVER stopped with you. Just drinking water would give me heartburn. I miss you being in my belly little one.
Mommy loves ALWAYS and FOREVER
2 comments:
<3 Leila <3
I know this post was last weeks, but for some reason it only showed on my blog roll just now...I wish she came home with you and it was a different "baby came home" too...I am sorry that Mustafa is sad too. i am glad though, that he knows he can come to you with his feelings. Anthony has his days too when he wants to share things, I have learned that you just listen and comfort. We all have each other and unfortunately the men do not have that luxury. The only ones they can really talk to is us...*sigh*
Thinking of you..
I wish it was a different coming home as well :/ Thanks Ann. I'm also glad Mustafa knows he can come to me with his feelings but I wish he did it more. :/
Oh and the reason it showed up just now is because I just posted it :/ I always write a post and then I forget to actually publish it lol sorry
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