Lost

Today was...THE worst day ever...ok not ever (obviously) but ever after Leila died? I really don't know, all I know is that I feel so hopelessly hopeless today, if that's even possible. I don't know where this overwhelming feeling of sadness came from, but it came on FULL force today. We had a meeting this morning at work. At the end of the meeting, my co-worker (19 years old) told everyone that his girlfriend is pregnant (17 weeks). I was shocked. I don't even know the kid that well, but I guess it just caught me completely off guard. This guy doesn't know about Leila because he started working after I came back to work. Needless to say (or maybe not) that I cried. I couldn't help it. Most of my other co-workers know what happened to us, but when everyone was telling him things like how exciting, I'm so happy for you, I hope it's a girl etc. I lost it. My co-worker/friend looked at me and I turned around in my chair so no one could see the immediate tears that rolled down my cheeks. I had to leave. I walked out and ran to the bathroom, not even sure if anyone really noticed. My friend/co-worker ran to the bathroom to check up on me. She understood why I felt how I felt and told me I should go home. I left. I called my mom and broke down like never before. I didn't know who to call, I felt like I was having a panic attack. This has never really happened to me before...not like this at least. I asked my mom how she did it. HOW she "coped" with my Tutu's death. I know it's completely different, but I just needed something, anything to calm me down at the moment...to bring me back from this. I needed her to tell me what to do. She didn't know. She knows it's completely different than her own grief and she knows there's nothing she can do but be there for me. I just don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to not freak out over certain triggers. I don't know how to keep my emotions in check. I just have to go with the flow I suppose, but it doesn't help my day to day life. I had to leave work early and not go to my internship. My supervisor at March for Babies understood how I felt (as much as she possibly could) and told me it was completely OK that I didn't come to the office today. My mom suggested I go to counseling again. She thinks I need it. She didn't tell me in an offensive way, she just sounded really worried. She cried as I yelled at her, "I don't know how to deal with this, I hate my life." I feel like shit, to say the least. I just don't know...how to live anymore. I'm lost.

Ideas

Last night I cried ( I think) the hardest I've ever cried before. Nothing triggered it...or maybe it was the fact that yesterday was when we found out she was a girl. Maybe it just hit me like a ton of bricks at the realization that it's almost been a year since I gave birth to her...I don't know. All I know is that yesterday was one of the most shittiest (if that's even a word) days ever.

On the other hand, there is a plan in the works...I plan on starting my own online store for everything crochet. Mostly hats/baby booties for now, but I'll add to the store as soon as I get new patterns. I learned how to crochet when I was in middle school, but really didn't expand on anything I learned. Now I've learned a lot more things about crochet and it's been so much fun trying new patterns. Here is a preview of what I made (for those of who haven't already seen it on facebook)...


I can't wait to get the store open...but I have one problem right now. I don't have a name for it. I wanted to buy the domain and get it up A.S.A.P. ...Do you all have any suggestions? I want a "cutesy" name if that makes any sense :) Ann suggested Cookie Monster Crochet (which I love!) for reasons associated with Leila being a cookie monster...but I can't use it because of trademark issues. That being said, I need something original. I want it to have something to do with Leila for sure, because she was the one that got me into crochet again. Leila's NICU neighbor...his mom...wanted me to join her in making hats for the NICU babies where our babies stayed. I said OF COURSE! :) After making my first baby hat, I realized that I absolutely LOVE to crochet and I don't know why I ever gave it up. Now I want to continue crocheting and I feel like opening up a shop would be so much fun. If you all have any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment! Thanks ladies (and possibly gentlemen?) :)

My girl

Long time no write :/

I've had tons to say, just no time to write. It's February already...WOW. So many of my nieces' and nephews' birthdays are this month...on top of Leila's birthday in March. Blah! I can't believe it's almost here. Today I miss her SO much! Not that I don't miss her everyday, but you get my drift...I was looking through all of our pictures from the NICU wishing I had more. I should have taken more. There are some people whose children were with them fewer days than Leila and they have TONS more pictures than I do...why didn't I think to take more? I should have taken more...it's just one of those days :/

Today, February 16th makes it one year since we found out Leila was a girl. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I just miss that happy feeling, ya know? ...I remember sitting in the room with 8 people (other than myself) as well as my other sister on the phone. The ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the gender. We said, "OF COURSE," and thought why the hell would we bring all these people if we didn't want to know? lol She showed us the goodies and asked us what we thought it was. With all my "research" on ultrasound pics, I knew the "hamburger" meant a girl :) We all said, "IT'S A GIRL!" I cried, my mom cried...my best friend took tons of pictures and sent them to everyone we knew before I even got the chance. I know I've told this story before, but I feel like I have to relive that happy time in my life once more. I left the appointment in awe. Everyone else started talking about other things and I still couldn't stop thinking about her. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't stop smiling, I was so proud of my baby girl. We went to Costco after the appointment. I looked in the diaper aisle cheesing so hard thinking we'd be buying diapers pretty soon. I remember every single thing about that day. I remember taking a picture of Mustafa looking like the proud daddy that he is. We were actually parents. I took a picture of my little sisters thinking they are going to be AUNTIES now...WOW.

Now everything is as it was before. I'm no longer a parent...they're no longer aunties (to a living niece anyways). I just need to cry right now.

Leila,

I can't believe our special days are passing us by. It's been a year since we found out you were a girl and soon it will be your 1st birthday, then your first holiday (Easter) and the list goes on...I don't know how I've "lived" this long without you. I can't believe it's back to business as usual and I have to continue to go to school, work, etc. while you lay in the ground. I can't wrap my head around it...still. I just miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I can't say it enough.......

Mommy loves you Leila.

March for Babies breakfast

I haven't written here in a REALLY long time...too long...so here goes nothin'.

I'm pretty sure I told you all about my internship with March of Dimes...well yesterday there was a family breakfast and so I went. I was extremely nervous because I knew I'd be exposed to pregnant bellies galore and babies who had survived the NICU. In fact there was a pregnant woman sitting right next to me. This was her first. She was talking about how scary it is when her little boy didn't move around for a while. I put my head down and tried to ignore it. It hurt. She had never gone through a loss. She told me she joined March for Babies through her job and has been walking ever since. I thought that was sweet of her though. Another lady came and sat next to me...I'm glad she did. She seemed much more friendly and willing to hold a conversation with me. She asked why I started walking and I told her I do it for my daughter. I gave her the short version of our story and she told me how sorry she was. She then told me, "well, I can empathize." My head perked up and I was eager to hear her story. Finally, someone associated with this organization that I can talk to and be open with. Her daughter's name is Audrie. She is her second child and only daughter. She was perfectly healthy and born at 38 weeks. Somehow the cord ripped about 10 minutes before she was born and deprived her of blood flow which in turn deprived her of oxygen. She was almost 8 pounds...perfectly healthy :( I can't imagine. She was SO close and that damn cord ripped. :'( I cried. We shared a bond at that moment. She was so kind and willing to listen. She was eager to show me the picture of her daughter and I was eager to see. I know the feeling of wanting to share my daughter with the world. Audrie was absolutely beautiful. It's been almost 2 years since she died, so D (we'll call her) is further along in her grief, "healing", "coping"...whatever you want to call it. We talked for the longest time about all the stupid shit people say. We had a good laugh about it. There were a few key speakers talking about the research they've done, as well as a father who told the story of two of his sons survival. Me and D cried after hearing that story too...you'd think they'd provide boxes of kleenex for us...but nope. The table next to us sat a woman and her daughter who survived prematurity. D looked at me and said, "it's bitter sweet, huh?" I cried and laughed at the same time. She knew exactly what I was thinking and I'm sure the whole morning we both had the same thoughts running through our heads. Needless to say we made sure to get each other's contact information before leaving. She told me I could call her at any time if I ever need/want to talk, or anything. I'm so happy I met her. She also invited me to come to grief counseling. Her husband and her will be going, since February is such a hard month for them...Audrie's birthday. She would have been 2 years old this month. :'( Please pray for another year to be gentle on them.

I'm actually excited for March for Babies this year. D gave me the number to a place where she has hook up for team t-shirts. I'm going to create a new design for this year's shirts, so that will be fun. This time Leila's picture will be on those. Oh that reminds me, yesterday Mustafa came home with part of my Valentine's day present. It was a sweatshirt that he got custom made to say Team Leila. You know those stands in the middle of the mall that spray paint designs on them? Well that's where he got it done and it's so cute! :) He even put a little dragonfly on the back. I'll add pictures later when I get home.

Well I'm going to break these posts up since I don't want them to be completely all over the place.

Thinking of all of you mamas!