Friday, February 18, 2011
Lost
Today was...THE worst day ever...ok not ever (obviously) but ever after Leila died? I really don't know, all I know is that I feel so hopelessly hopeless today, if that's even possible. I don't know where this overwhelming feeling of sadness came from, but it came on FULL force today. We had a meeting this morning at work. At the end of the meeting, my co-worker (19 years old) told everyone that his girlfriend is pregnant (17 weeks). I was shocked. I don't even know the kid that well, but I guess it just caught me completely off guard. This guy doesn't know about Leila because he started working after I came back to work. Needless to say (or maybe not) that I cried. I couldn't help it. Most of my other co-workers know what happened to us, but when everyone was telling him things like how exciting, I'm so happy for you, I hope it's a girl etc. I lost it. My co-worker/friend looked at me and I turned around in my chair so no one could see the immediate tears that rolled down my cheeks. I had to leave. I walked out and ran to the bathroom, not even sure if anyone really noticed. My friend/co-worker ran to the bathroom to check up on me. She understood why I felt how I felt and told me I should go home. I left. I called my mom and broke down like never before. I didn't know who to call, I felt like I was having a panic attack. This has never really happened to me before...not like this at least. I asked my mom how she did it. HOW she "coped" with my Tutu's death. I know it's completely different, but I just needed something, anything to calm me down at the moment...to bring me back from this. I needed her to tell me what to do. She didn't know. She knows it's completely different than her own grief and she knows there's nothing she can do but be there for me. I just don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to not freak out over certain triggers. I don't know how to keep my emotions in check. I just have to go with the flow I suppose, but it doesn't help my day to day life. I had to leave work early and not go to my internship. My supervisor at March for Babies understood how I felt (as much as she possibly could) and told me it was completely OK that I didn't come to the office today. My mom suggested I go to counseling again. She thinks I need it. She didn't tell me in an offensive way, she just sounded really worried. She cried as I yelled at her, "I don't know how to deal with this, I hate my life." I feel like shit, to say the least. I just don't know...how to live anymore. I'm lost.
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6 comments:
((hugs)) yes it is possible to feel hopelessly hopeless. i feel it myself. i understand completely how you feel. grief is terrible, and sometimes just comes on full force. i wish i lived closer so i could run over there and hug you and cry with you. counseling may be beneficial. it has definitely helped me, and i don't plan to stop any time soon. it's sort of my way to take the edge off just a bit. but even though i go weekly, i still have griefburst. i still feel like i hate my life right now - overall. i hate living in this world without my baby boy. i hate getting up day after day and doing the same stupid thing without him. but since i have no options it's what i do. and i take a bit of comfort knowing that i'm doing meaningful things in his honor. just like you are doing some amazing things in your Leila's honor. i know i'm rambling, and i know that i'm just saying words, and my words will never take away your pain and your hurt. but just know that i hurt with you. and if you ever ever need me - i'm here. <3
I agree with tiffany,
seeking a councilor may be beneficial in helping you learn to cope better.(if that's possible after all it is your child your grieving). I personally have not had a melt down like this but I feel for you. Don't be ashamed of your grief either...you can seek help and it may leave you finding peace with your situation. Just grieve as you need. As my mother-in-law says,"This too shall pass." These dark days are tough they may get worse but eventually the sun will shine again. We are here for you, email, call, write us. We would love to support you in what ever way we can.
~Felicia
I am so sorry!! I totally understand this feeling and its scary and the absolute worst!! Im praying for you to feel even a little ounce of peace. Your an amazing lady!! Much love!
When you are in such a deep pit it is hard to see the light above. ((hug)) The darkness can feel so overwhelming. I hope you are feeling a little better since you wrote this a few days ago. I try to remember that each day is new and can hold the promise of something good. ((hug))
Sending you BIG HUGS!!
I hope you have been having some better days.
Thinking of you with Leila's birthday coming up... <3
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