So anyways, I immediately update my status out of sadness and frustration saying "I hate facebook...seriously what's the point in deleting people who are having babies (because it hurts seeing it so much) when you end up seeing it ANYWAY because other people you know comment on them..thanks facebook for ruining my day once again...UGH"... Usually I don't like to "rain on someone's parade," but today I'm just not feeling the whole worrying about everyone else's feelings thing. Well anyways after this update I get an instant message from a friend who first asks me if she can ask me a question. Then she proceeds to ask me if I've gone to counseling. She told me she's SO sorry and she's worried about me because she's noticed I've been so angry lately...well who the hell wouldn't be angry after their baby dying?! Not me anyways...Then she tells me she didn't want to offend me but this has been heavy on her heart lately and she doesn't like that she can't do anything to help me. OK, well I appreciate that she realizes she can't do anything for me and she wishes she could, but the fact that she said she noticed I've been angry lately kinda rubbed me the wrong way. It may just be the baby loss mama in me taking everything personally, but that just made me feel like she expects me to be all sunshine and rainbows. I'm not really sure what people expect from me, but whatever it is I hope they drop that shit at the door because there are NO expectations when it comes to grief. This rollercoaster ride is a pretty fucked up one if you ask me (excuse my language) and I don't think that anything can be expected from anyone grieving the death of their child.
So all this has just got my blood boiling. I'm back to my angry side of grief and it's kicking my ass. I'm angry that I don't have my daughter in my arms, that we couldn't announce her birth to everyone this month with a healthy 7 or 8 lb baby. I'm angry that I will never get to take her to her first day of Kindergarten or watch her graduate high school. I'm angry I will never hear the words "I love you Mom" come out of her mouth. I'm angry at SO many things that this list could go on forever. Point is...I JUST WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK.
Sorry guys for rambling but I'm just having a really bad day. I just miss Leila beyond what my heart can endure today.
OH MAN OH MAN...in the middle of writing this, that "friend" I talked about in earlier posts...I've probably said her name but I'll just say "D" now...well she was the one I messaged and practically tore a new ass hole for (for good reason though). Anyways, supposedly she just got my message and wants to talk to me in person. HMMM She picked the wrong day...don't think I'm calling her back. I don't need more crap today to be mad about. ****SIGH****
Leila,
I'm sorry I haven't talked you in a while baby. There is NO excuse and Mommy's sorry. I miss you so much Leila... Hey I forgot to tell you I met with Juanito's mommy the other day. :D I'm sure you two have met each other already but if you haven't then you guys SHOULD. Juanito has such a wonderful family and I'm SO happy we were able to get together, even if just for a moment. Oh and guess what else? Michelle (Auntie to you young lady) got you a little "Precious Moments" angel. It's so cute and says a prayer when you push its belly. I'll take pictures of your little angel at your grave the next time I go. Speaking of your grave, your Auntie Ann was helping me look for the perfect dragonfly for your stone and I'm pretty sure I found it. I'm SO excited to see how everything turns out and I can't wait to see it. You know I'd much rather be designing an outfit or blanket for you or maybe even a scrapbook, but I gotta get what I can take...*sigh* I just miss you so much baby girl. I wish I could hold you again. I love you my baby...A hui hou (until we meet again).
Love,
Mommy
5 comments:
Ugh!!! I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook! To this day, I STILL go to my SIL's page almost every day...I hid her, but for some reason, I enjoy torturing myself because I have to make sure she's not talking about me and yet, every day it's something about her NEW baby and blah, blah, blah..... I almost think she's doing it on purpose! Many hugs to you. I feel your pain. Hide them all! Even if it means that us babyloss mamas are the only ones in your newsfeed! :) That's the best advice I can give to you. XO
I am so sorry, Facebook sucks sometimes. I am so glad you found an good dragonfly, I am still searching.
oh HELLL NOOOOO....i wish you would have told me this through BBM, i would I lifted you earlier. Ok, ONE...your baby DIED, you watched her progress and then DIE...so YES you get the pass to be ANGRY...I go to a therapist and to be honest, i get more support HERE in the BLM community cause therapy is ONCE a week. THere is no 30 rehab for therapy after a loss where its 24hr mental care, SOOOO therapy really is not going to do much but say YOU ARE NORMAL....Perhaps this "friend" would educate HERSELF on what to say and not say...What really PISSES me off was before I saw my therapist, i was just 4 weeks out of this, and the one who suggested therapy was my MIL and FIL. My FIL's brother had lost his son that was 2 weeks old and after a few months of what they called "isolating themselves" they both saw a counselor and felt "better"....well, yes I feel "better" after talking to her ONCE a week..but there are 6 other days that I have to walk around and live in a world without my daughter!!! so telll HER to get some therapy ONCE a week on how to "do something for you" and lets see how the other 6 days she has NO help are good to her??!!! Kalia, you know my solution to her very well by now DELETE!!!! Spring cleaning, summer BBQ, and soon to be fall, falling outs....what ever...get rid of the judgemental people who dont know SHIT about this!!! oh and ps, people like that are the reason why 95% of my FB now is only BLM...i refuse to hide anything anymore so i just DELETE
God, it makes me SO SO MAD when people try to "help" and show their "concern" for us when OH MY GOD we express our anger. More than once. Its like everyone thinks after a certain number of months or weeks, we are supposed to at least stop being so vocal about it. I'm going to blog about this today. I'm so sorry that happened to you- we've all been there. :(
Thank you guys, yea I just ignored her I haven't gone so far as deleting her because I don't think it's gotten to that point yet but we'll see. It was very insensitive of her to say these things even though she thinks she's trying to help but yea we've all been there. Talking to you guys help, writing it out helps, BBM'n Ann helps! :D I love you all and thank you for bein there for me!
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