This REALLY Hit Home **spoiler alert**

Did it anyone catch Grey's Anatomy tonight? I called it. Don't read if you haven't watched it yet and don't want to know what happens...

I knew they were going to get into a car accident and end up delivering the baby early. 23 weeks...Can you say WOW?! This episode REALLY hit home for me tonight. Leila was born 23 weeks 6 days. The baby was tiny...1lb 1oz...Leila was bigger at 1lb 7oz, but still tiny...I held my breath as they carried the baby out of Callie's belly and tried to revive her. When she took that first breath I let go and the tears did not stop flowing. It was SO overwhelming. It brought back so many emotions of having to give birth to Leila so early and so little. It's starting to feel like "remind Kalia she has a dead baby week". So many triggers, let me tell you. Oh and when "big" Grey is telling Derek how fucked up (excuse my language) the universe is, I nodded in agreement and laughed. She's SO right. I can't find ANY reason the universe chooses people randomly to let suffer...maybe I haven't gotten to that stage where I can understand and appreciate what I've been through like some others I've seen...I'm just not ready yet. As far as the baby goes...I have no faith she'll survive. It sounds heartless and cruel, but I already know the ending to so many stories like mine and so many others'...how can you possibly believe she'll live? Callie will end up being a BLM just like us. :'( I know she's not real and she's just a character in a story, but we're SO alike you just can't help but feel connected to her. I absolutely have to watch next week. It's like I want to relive my experience. I just want to feel normal again...like I'm not the only one that this has happened to...like I'm not the only one who feels the way I did about having a micro-preemie. So many emotions...

On another note, today I met THE sweetest woman. For my senior capstone I decided to take a Lesbian and Gay class. I said something about my family and at the end of the class one of the women came up to me and told me how brave I was for speaking up. It was about the Hawaiian people and how (haole) Americans have stolen our land and completely disrespected our culture and values...anywho, we got to talking about how my cousin recently "came out". My auntie texts me the other day and said she feels like she "lost her son". I, actually having lost a child, & understanding how this feels, can tell you that having a child whose gay does NOT compare to having no child at all. I explained to the woman I met how I HAVE had a baby and lost her and how much of a slap in the face it was to hear my auntie completely take for granted the son that she STILL has. She's so worried about who he decides to love, that she can't appreciate that her child is still healthy and ALIVE and that's what really matters most. She needs to accept him for WHO he is and stop worrying about shit that he did not choose. Anyways, this is getting off topic, what this is really about is how sweet the lady was to me and how much we connected. She hugged me, rubbed my back and was genuinely sorry that I had lost my child. We talked for much longer after that and I can definitely say I've found a friend in this 60 something year old woman. She's the sweetest "stranger" I've met in real life. Thank you L for your kind words today.

Leila,

Did you WATCH that episode with me tonight? Oh my goodness all these thoughts went through my head about when they tried to revive you. Did it take long? Who was there? I don't even know the answers to these questions because they took you away so quickly and I was out of it. Why didn't I even think to ask these questions? I wish we could have that happy birth moment every parent dreams of having when they're pregnant with their 1st child. Now my only thoughts from here on out will be is he/she alive? It's terrible, I know. I hope Mommy can one day be that naive mother I once was, but I don't think that's ever coming back...

I miss you little one...you can't imagine how much...Even though you're gone I still look for ways to keep you near me...things to buy that I can remember you with...things to do in memory of you and it seems that every single thing I do these days IS because/for you. Ya know, one thing I've realized today is that you've made me a much more passionate person. I think about what I want, and I imagine myself doing it/getting it and eventually, I will. I have so many plans for the future, which is pretty silly considering we all know how much those don't work. All this is kind of vague, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Oh about today, was that you? I seen that book called "Roses" by Leila something in the bookstore a few weeks back and today I seen it again in a lady's hand on the MAX. Is that you saying hello? :) I smiled when I seen it because it felt like you saying hello. :) Sweetie, will you come to me in my dreams tonight?? I've missed you so much and have been waiting to see you again. Mama has to sleep now, but I hope we'll see each other again soon.

Mama loves you baby girl!