Terrible day

Today is just...TERRIBLE! I am crying my eyes out...yet again. This morning I was walking to work when my grief kicked me on my ass this time. I started thinking about the day we buried Leila. I'm still shocked that my baby is in the ground and I'm not with her. How can anyone go on like this? I don't get it. How do you keep faith when your heart is torn into tiny little pieces and can't be put back together? I'm absolutely SICK of people asking if I'm "better" now. Like here we are almost 5 months later, you should be "better" by now Kalia. NO.I.AM.NOT."BETTER". No one has actually said I should be better by now in those words, but it's definitely implied by the comments. I have so much guilt in my heart lately. Well I guess it never left, but right now it feels like it's been multiplied by 100. I'm too embarrassed to even admit what I'm guilty about, but I've had dreams about it. I don't think I'll ever get over what I've done...or what I didn't do I should say. I just miss my baby SO much today. As I was on my way to work my grief got to me so much that I couldn't stop crying. I decided to sit in the break room for a while before work until I was able to calm down and go later. In comes a girl who works in the same building but different department. She walks in with a smile and asks me if I've had my baby yet because a while ago she noticed I was pregnant. I told her yes I had my baby and I smiled, but I couldn't stop there. I had to tell at least part of Leila's story so it would do a tiny part of her life justice at least. I told her she lived for nearly 3 weeks before she died. She said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." and then walked away. I was kind of taken aback that she just walked away. No hug or anything. Not that I wanted one but jeez I guess I would've felt a little less insecure about the way I feel if she offered a little more. I don't blame her though. No one wants to be a part of this club. Anyways, I felt the need to be at the cemetery. I just needed to be close to my baby today. My AMAZING friend Katie offered to take me to the cemetery but the times didn't end up working out so we both agreed to go Saturday. Instead I came home today and cried over every little thing. Then I decided to read to Leila. That calmed me down.

*sigh*

Leila,

I miss you sweetie. The past few days have been ROUGH to say the least...actually these past few MONTHS. I feel so guilty for so many things and I cried to your Daddy today about them and he feels the same. We both wish things turned out differently...of course, and it's just so hard to live life without you; but I promise I will keep your memory alive no matter what.

I love you baby girl
Love,
Mommy