Feeling sorry for myself

I'm tired of it. Today I can't even look at a picture of a child I don't know. I have no connection to this child...but it hurts to look at her. Leila will never be that age. I'll never be able to take a picture of her playing outside in the fall leaves with her beenie and boots on. I'll never be able to meet with my friends so Leila could have a play date with their children. I won't be able to even bring her name up in everyday conversation. Family will never ask how she is, what grade she's in now and comment on how much she's grown. I'll never see be able to register her for her first day of high school. I'll never watch her walk across the stage for graduation. I'll never see her go to college. I'll never see her for Sunday dinners. I'll never even know what her voice sounded like. I'll never know what our relationship would have been like. I'll never truly know my oldest child. :'***(

I don't feel like anything has changed. I don't miss her any less. I don't hurt any less. I hurt more. I miss when I was able to grieve freely. Now I have to do it in secret so I don't make people uncomfortable. I have to leave the room when I feel tears coming so I don't look like a crazy person for crying out of nowhere. The last post I put on facebook was about how I hated that no one talked about Leila and how I'm not uncomfortable talking about her so why are they. I also said that I can't smile in your face and pretend I'm happy when I didn't even hear an "I'm sorry for your loss". This status was particularly for my family. Besides BLM I got ONE response from my whole freaking family. ONE...my aunt messaged me and said "I'm sorry for your loss and I truly love you". Simple as that and it felt good. That's when I decided to take a break from facebook. I still check people's updates once in a while but I haven't posted another status since then. It hurts too much to pour my heart out and get nothing in return...so this is where I have to do it.

I can't concentrate on school. I have two midterms next week and I haven't done anything for them. No homework done this weekend and no studying done...nothing. *sigh*I feel like it's all going downhill...