Can't get away

I just can't get away from babies, pregnancy, etc. It surrounds me everywhere I go. I try and forget about all of it, push it out of my mind for a while and then it all comes flooding back instantly with one tiny trigger. My friend announced to me she was pregnant a couple days ago. She asked me not to say anything about it on facebook because she didn't want anyone to know. Honestly, I wished she didn't want me to know either. I know it's not fair to ask her to go into hiding until after she has her baby (maybe even longer), but it sure would help a ton. To be completely honest, I'm extremely happy for the few people that have told me they were pregnant because we're really close and no one deserves a baby more than these people...but it hurts to hear a friend say they didn't even want a baby, wasn't even trying to get pregnant and even thought about abortion. Don't get me wrong I don't judge when it comes to a woman's choice, but I wouldn't even expect her of all people to become pregnant so carelessly considering the criticism I got from her after announcing my pregnancy. But here we are a year later and she's in the same position. When I asked another BLM and a mutual friend from high school if she felt the way that I did after she lost her baby she said yes, but then she told me "who are we to say who can and can't have babies? we should feel blessed that we even got to experience pregnancy". Part of this is true but on the other hand I never said our friend couldn't have a baby, I was simply telling her how sad I felt after this announcement and that it hurt me that she didn't even want this baby when that's ALL I ever think about these days. So that has made me feel like crap for the last couple of days. Oh and p.s. I BARELY got to experience pregnancy. I got pregnant and not even 24 weeks later I had my baby...so she can speak for herself on that one. Yes, I am 100% grateful for the time that I was pregnant and for the time that we got with Leila but that doesn't make it any easier after watching her die in my arms. It's just not fair. I can't stress enough how tired I am of struggling to just "live" on a daily basis much less having to hear other people's BS. I'm SO stressed out about everything lately and I just feel like I need a break from life. I need a vacation. Will someone go with me please??? Anyways, I'll stop complaining now. I just really had to get that off my chest.

On a completely different note, PLEASE PLEASE pray for two of my BLM friends that have just lost their rainbows in the past couple of days. They truly don't deserve this heartache once again! I'm heartbroken by the news and would love if you all could pray for them. Thank you!

Leila,

I miss you mamas. I miss your little fingers and toes, I miss feeling you kick my tummy, I miss talking to you and hearing your daddy sing to you. I miss the anticipation of the day you'd come home with us, I miss all of it. I miss you SO much tonight and every night. 8 months later and this feeling still hasn't let up. Whenever I feel like this I find a project to do. They are self fulfilling for me and to do it in your name makes it that much better. That is why I will be completing an internship with the March for Babies this year and next in hopes to bring more awareness to pregnancy loss, premature birth, and infant death. Can you just imagine how many people will know your story and the amazing fight you put up? Can you imagine how many people we might be able to save because of this? How many people we might inspire to help join to fight for healthy mamas and babies? This makes me excited for the future. Right now this is the only thing I have to look forward to. I hope you'll stay by my side as make huge changes one step at a time!