Thursday, December 9, 2010
If I ever
If I ever see her again, what would I say? Would I yell? cry?...I have dreams about her constantly...to the point where I almost seem obsessed with the whole thing. My ex-best friend still believes that she can relate to me after she chose to have an abortion. I know I've probably talked about this a million times but I just can't shake this. I know that I will NEVER be friends with her again...never. I just feel like I need closure. I have SO much to say to her that I can say on my blog, facebook, to Mustafa a million times that she would never hear and that in itself just eats me up inside. I want her to know how I feel...how angry I am that she wasn't there. The fact that she made up excuse after excuse as to why she didn't come visit us in the hospital. Why she didn't come to March for Babies when she promised me she would. Why she couldn't pick up the damn phone to tell me how sorry she was. I just can't get over it. I mean, I'm over it I just can't stop thinking about it. So does that mean I'm not really over it? I know I shouldn't even waste my time trying to explain things to her because we will never have the friendship we once did, but I can't help but feel like I at least have to tell her that. I want her to know. Not for her sake, but for my own sanity. In my dreams of her I'm always so angry. I'm either yelling at the top of my lungs at her or beating her ass. p.s. I'm not a violent person AT ALL. I guess this is just my sub-conscience trying to release all the anger I feel towards her somehow. I guess it has to go somewhere, huh? I don't know if I've already said this, I probably have, but about a month ago (I think) Mustafa ran into her at a concert, party, whatever and she cried to him saying that she needs to talk to me. I've heard her cry and apologize for other things she's said/done in the past so I wasn't moved this time around. I really didn't care. Kind of laughed about it even. It just seems so fake to me. Anyways Mustafa and I are at a point where we just want her to leave us alone. She comes with TOO much drama that I especially don't need in my life right now. Like I've said before I know we won't be friends, I just want to get this out of my system and move on. *sigh*............
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3 comments:
not since losing kenny, but in the past, i have lost two close friends who i never would have thought would act that way toward me.
what i have come to accept is that some friendships are only meant for a "season" of your life. it sucks, but it's inevitable, as your lives go in different directions, and your priorities change.
i'm so sorry about your friendship; i know how hard it is to feel so close to someone one day, and completely abandoned by them the next.
hugs to you.
Kalialani,
When I first found you and we communicated I told you that I had some support. Over the course of what seems like over night I now have zero support outside of my family and maybe a friend or two. A lot has changed in the last two or three months, heck a lot has changed in the last six months. To go along with what Julie said, I too think friends will be in season. They will break your heart after you let them in further then most. They will take away a part of you that had trust and comfort. On the bright side the season of a friend will come in time...sometimes those "friends" come as you age and they become closer to you then a brother.
crush those "lemons" (or bad thoughts) and get yourself some lemonade, those people who don't stand by you in hard times aren't friends at all. True friends will stand by you and support you even in bad times and its uncomfortable for them. take care, we are here for ya. Anytime-
~Felicia
I'm sorry that your friend wasn't there for you. When those we care about aren't there to support us when we need it, it hurts.
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