I got through

I know I haven't written on here lately. I really do mean to but then I always seem like I never have enough time in the world to just relax. School has been MORE than hectic this term and I'm SO happy it's over. Anyways, today I've finally talked to my friend who I've talked about before on this blog. I won't mention his name again but we'll call him "J". He texts me telling me that he's crying because he's thinking about Leila. There was only ONE time he's said anything about her after her funeral. Just once. After that I chose to keep my distance after getting hurt too many times at the fact that he avoids the subject. It's been this way with a lot of my friends. I thought this was the perfect time to tell him how I've felt/feel since this might be the only time he'll talk about her again. I told him how isolated I feel when he doesn't mention her name to me. He told me he hasn't brought her up because he doesn't want to make me sad. I reminded him like I've said hundreds of times on facebook that I absolutely despise the fact that no one will talk about her. I despise the fact that people change the subject when I mention her name. I despise the fact that people avoid my comments because it might make them uncomfortable. He told me he knows that I'm hurting and that he is here for me and will be 'til the day he dies and he's sorry that he's made me feel that way. He told me she IS his niece and every time I bring her up he's just unsure of what to say because he only wants to make people happy and not bring down the mood. He told me he's never dealt with death before...ever, before Leila, so it's hard for him to know what to say and what not to. It ended on a good note with him apologizing for showing anything BUT support and I accepted his apology. I figured what he said was how he felt but it's hard when people don't tell you how they feel. I can't read minds. So even truly knowing he does care but just doesn't know how to show it, I still told myself no he doesn't care, he only cares about himself. But that isn't the case at all. I love him (as my friend) and I'm happy that I finally got this off my chest. I finally got through to him...

Leila,

I know sometimes it's hard for people to talk about you considering they might make me sad, and I know you already know this but even though I'm sad when I talk about you I'm also SO happy talking about you. The happiness overcomes all the grief and sadness in the world. If I had to do everything all over again I would do it a million times over. Each time I would feel just as blessed, happy, amazed at your strength as I did the first time around. I'm starting to think that you are even stronger than I thought you were. Looking back on our first appointment with the pregnancy resource center I remember your heart beat was extremely low...only 99. Now that I think about it, I wonder if you weren't even supposed to be "viable" as some would say. Some would say this is a sign of miscarriage. Was it? I guess it's possible. Then I think WOW, if I was "supposed" to miscarry you wouldn't know it because your strength shines through in the next appointment with your heartbeat going strong in the 170's. I was SO worried and did have dreams of miscarriage, so it just makes me wonder.

Anyways, I hope to see you in my dreams soon. Preferably over the weekend so my dreams won't be interrupted by the stupid alarm clock set for work :)

Mama loves you baby!