The other night was...TERRIBLE. I sat in the bathroom for over an hour crying. It was the worst I've cried since Leila died. *sigh* I don't want to go over what triggered it, but all I know is it was
bad. It's been 8 months...you think it'd be "better" by now right? WRONG. I know people who STILL have these days after years and years of living without their children :( I just don't see it getting better any time soon. I feel SO bad for my mom because she wants so badly to help me, but she can't. She knows when I'm having bad days...well according to my status updates on facebook...but she sees the pain I have to deal with everyday and I know it just breaks her heart. I try to fake being happy when I'm around the family because I don't want them to see me sad all the time...Well, I don't know if "faking" it would be the right word because it almost sounds like I'm not happy when I'm with my family [even though I am]. I
can be happy in the moment. It's overall though that I can say I'm not truly happy. I'm not happy now that my daughter's gone. I'm not happy I'll live with this for the rest of my life. I'm not happy that God has her and I don't. What I AM happy for is when I spend time with family. Seriously, they are the only people that have kept me going. When I say family I mean my blood family (not all of them lol), Mustafa, really close friends, my BLMs, etc. These are the people I have to thank for keeping me somewhat sane. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Also, thank you all for leaving me comments, I RARELY answer them and that's my fault :/ but I do want you all to know I read them and am VERY thankful for each and every one of them.
On another note, I've finally finished my christmas tree. It's been sitting in our living room bare for the longest time. It's pretty cute now :) I'll take pictures of our Christmas decorations later since Mustafa took our camera.
Leila,
It's really windy outside today so I can hear your wind chime right outside our window REALLY loud...and I LOVE it. I always feel like you're telling me, "Mama, I'm here". I know you're always with me and I love that. Did you see the little reindeer I got you that's sitting right beside your picture? Isn't it the cutest thing? I may have already mentioned it but I can't remember, so just in case I mentioned it again :) I love you SO much my baby and I continue to miss you MORE than you can even imagine. Did you notice our blog makeover? Isn't your precious face just adorable?? I think so!! Tutu always makes fun of your hairy little body [all in good fun of course :) ] but I know it was because you were so little. All that hair would have fallen out lol. Either way you are the cutest baby ever...no matter how tiny and hairy you were/would have been.
p.s. thank you for letting your mama borrow your blankie every night, it really does bring me comfort to cuddle up with it.
Love,
Mama
8 comments:
LOVE the blog makeover!!! so perfect and the colors are really pretty!
as for the pretending to be happy...I have found now that my mom has been taking care of me, i cant just 'cry' like I want or let her know how i feel because its really hard for me to have to comfort her when im not even able to do this myself. most of the time I am 'normal ann' around her and sometimes i just cant hold it in....It must be hard to watch us, but i know its HARDER to live our lives....I cant wait to see the pics of your tree xoxo
I so get what your saying girl friend. Your letter to leila...very sweet. brought tears to my eyes.
XOXO
~Felicia
P.S- did I mention I love your blog make over?
I like the new blog!! Its so pretty!! Im so sorry you had such a rough day.. you are right though they still come and im 2 years out.... Its ok when they come embrace them it doesnt make you weak sometimes you need those times. Sending you much love always!!
I'm sorry you had a bad day. I love your new blog makeover. Beautiful. Always thinking of you and your precious Leila.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
the picture is so adorable, I just want to kiss her little hand.
I just found your blog through another BLM and wanted to leave a quick hello. You have a beautiful daughter and you did a wonderful job telling her story. My daughter was born at 23 weeks and our doctors gave us a less than 5% chance that anything could have been done to save her. I know there is no timeline on grief but it helps to have an outlet in the online community with other women who understand how deep the pain goes and how it never really goes away. Your doing a beautiful job.
Ann I totally get what you're saying. I said the exact same thing to my mom once before. It's not easy trying to comfort other people when you don't even know how to handle your own grief. :/
Thank you ladies! :) you all are SO sweet!
@LetterstoClaire..thank you SO much, it really means a lot to me when other people let me know I'm doing a good job. I definitely have a hard time seeing that MOST times. It's just hard to know what to do to show everyone that I'm still a mother and that all I'm trying to do is to get people to remember/see/know what a beautiful soul she has and how much love and happiness she brought to my life. Anywho it's nice to "meet" you. Will you send me the link to your blog so I can follow along as well :)
I am sorry you are having a hard time. But the first year is the worst. There are so many first moments that come along that reopen that wound. But, I am glad to hear that your family gives you support even though like you said it is hard to let it out around them. You don't want to show them the raw pain of loss.
Also, I want to let you know that you won. I have been waiting for you to check but Tina told me to leave you a message. If you email me today I can hopefully get it to you before the holidays.
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