Tainted Holidays

Yesterday I made a trip to Michael's (the craft store). If you guys didn't know already...I'm obsessed with this store. Anyways I spent some time in there and noticed that the holiday decorations are already out. I'm a holiday fanatic, but I realize this year will be much different. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday; I just LOVE the music, Lifetime's 25 days of Christmas, decorations, the smell of winter, fires, blankets to keep me cozy, hot chocolate, giving presents etc. This list goes on, but one thing that will absolutely be missing this year is Leila. Last Christmas was much different. At the time no one knew I was about 13 weeks pregnant and I kept my secret up until the day after Christmas (didn't want to ruin the holiday as I knew my parents would NOT be happy). Anyways, I had counted on her being here for Christmas 2010 and now life is SO much different than I had anticipated and my daughter won't be here ever again. I never thought my holidays that I loved so much could be tainted forever. I realize now that each holiday from now until the end of my days will be bitter-sweet. Leila will always be on my mind and I have a feeling these days will be the hardest for me. These are the times when the whole family gets together but a part of my family is missing. That makes me feel truly alone. I've told you all about my Tutu and every holiday after her death I was reminded that she wasn't here. Every year I watch my mom cry on her trigger days like these and now I will be joining her. But I will be grieving for my Tutu and my only daughter :'( I just don't know how I'll get through this.

Leila,

Mommy is going to miss you SO much over the holidays. OF COURSE I miss you every day and minute in between, but the holidays will truly break my heart. I wish I could be spoiling you on days like these, but instead I have to find ways to keep your memory alive in the minds of others. Speaking of, a friend of mine on facebook messages me today and tells me that every time she reads my status about you she sees a dragonfly. She lives in Kaumana and it's not often that they get dragonflies. I'm SO thankful for the little signs you give me each day to show me you are here. I love you baby girl!

...The holidays just won't be the same without you here though. Looks like I will have to find "different" kinds of presents to buy you for Christmas and birthdays and holidays like those. *sigh* I'm sorry things are like this mamas. I just wish you were here little one! *sigh*

Love always,
Mama