Today my little brother had a friend's birthday party to attend, so I came along. Of course there were babies there. It hurt like hell to see them. It's not even seeing the babies themselves that hurt me, it's more the parents who have these babies. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are. Do they realize that babies die all the time? Do they realize what a miracle those little lives are. Can they even imagine if they were to lose any of them the next day. One day they're in your arms and then next their gone. I hope they love them endlessly like I love Leila.
Another mama that I'm a follower of has her baby boy in the NICU right now. She updated and spoke of her baby's neighbor that just went to join his twin brother in heaven. I cried for another baby "lost". It's just too much. Like I said on my facebook...I will NEVER understand why babies die. Please pray for these babies and their family :'(
Today reminded me of the day before Leila died. That night I had gone to NICU Pizza night at the hospital. It was like a meet and greet for NICU parents. After talking with the woman who put the pizza night together I felt SO relieved. She had 3 babies who were preemies. Her last one was a micro-preemie born at 26 weeks and she was now a perfectly healthy little girl (about 3 or 4 years old I think). I felt hope again. As I told my story to the other parents they all looked in amazement. 20 years old and just gave birth to a micro-preemie. One of the grandmothers of a preemie said she would pray for us. I was so grateful for that. We already had SO many people praying for us but definitely needed all the prayers we could get. Another woman there had gone through IVF and had triplets. She gave birth prematurely and one of the babies died. The other two were in the NICU at the time. I remember her being such a bitter woman. She kind of rubbed us all the wrong way. There was another woman who was talking about her baby being in the NICU for a few weeks and the woman whose baby died cut her off and said (not verbatim) yea well at least your baby's still alive, mine was in the NICU and we did everything we could for her and she still died. Your baby being in the NICU is nothing like my baby dying. I was pissed that she said that and you could tell everyone was pretty upset. Now...I hate to say it, but I understand her. I am that woman. Bitter. Bitter about every moment someone gets with their child. I HATE THAT. I don't want to be this way, but I just can't help it. I would never wish bad things on anyone especially not an innocent baby, I just feel like it's completely unfair. How are we picked? Who decides who goes and stays? What is the purpose of taking someone's child away from them? I just don't understand and I hate that there are so many of us. Will it ever end?
Leila,
Please mama, welcome baby boy and his twin brother with open arms when you meet them. I'm sure their parents are hurting just as much as I am without you, but knowing that you are not alone up there really does ease my pain. You have SO many people that love you down here and SO many up there with you. I am grateful for that at least. I hope you sleep well tonight little one.
I love you with ALL my heart.
Love,
Mommy
5 comments:
i dont know how we are picked....i dont understand it either. I dont know how you go to these parties it is just too much for me and i cant set myself back. i know others will think 'well one day you have to go' and my answer is, who says?? why do i have to go anywhere i dont feel comfortable going to? i dont need to put myself in a situation to cry all night cause alyssa isnt here for a party...i understand why you go though, your little brother asking you (probably) and how can you say no? sometimes I feel like life after loss is so hard....no one tells you how hard the simple things would be. i wonder if any of those moms looked at you and thought of Leila? i wonder if anyone sees me in the streets and wonders if my baby is in Heaven, the way i do when i look at them...sigh...im so sorry kalia....
I don't know how we are picked either. I've been wondering about this a lot lately.
You are so brave, and a good sister, for going to the party. I don't think I would be able to do it.
Thinking of you and Leila.
Those questions at the end of your post have no answers. We are left to grieve our babies and forever wonder why.
I'm sorry it's been such a bad day. I'm praying for you - I hope the coming days will have some moments of peace and comfort for you.
((Big Hugs))
I nominated you for an award in my blog. : ) <3
Look after yourself and don't go to places that you think you can't handle right now. one day you will, but not now. People other than us live in a parallel universe it seems. I will sometime soon write a blog post about this topic, because it is the way that I found I can cope with other people's pregnancies and living babies. Hugs to you!
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