Well the day started off pretty shitty for some reason. Then I get a text from my mom telling me to get the car seat and base ready for my stepdad to pick up so they can sell it on craigslist. We talked about selling it a while back and I was OK with it but never thought when the time came I would feel so emotional about it. I just feel like that car seat is HERS and I feel like I'm giving away a part of her by selling it. I called my boyfriend and cried to him and he tried to comfort me by telling me I was not giving up Leila by selling the car seat. Easier said than done. Anyways ultimately I gave up the car seat and I'm OK now (about giving it up I guess) but then I started thinking about other things...like about how SO many people still haven't said anything to me regarding Leila dying...for example MY OWN FATHER. My stepdad raised me and was there for me through everything but my biological Dad claims to have raised me...PSH that's a joke if I ever heard one! He called me ONCE when I was in labor before I had Leila and then ONCE after I had her when I had to make that decision to take her off life support or not. I have not heard from him since. He knows what happened to Leila because his SISTER (my Aunt) told him what happened. SHE has been there for me the whole way but her brother is just a different story. I don't know WHAT his problem is. I don't even know why I'm still mad after 20 years of him not being a real Dad to me. Nothing's changed about him so WHY am I so upset over this?! He acts like I'm the one who doesn't ever call him, well I'm the ONLY one who calls. Even if it IS once a month. HE doesn't call me AT ALL. When he answers my calls he says "OH I was JUST going to call you!"...yea sure Steven. <--I should just start calling him by his name since that's all he is to me...a name. When I was much younger I still had hope. I was a Daddy's girl (despite his absence) and just hoped that he would come to his senses and be a real father to me. It never happened and here I am 20 years later still hoping when there is no hope left. He wasn't a father nor was he a grandfather to Leila for the 18 days that she was here. It saddens me that my own flesh and blood that created me doesn't even give a shit what happens to me. That should make me feel "special" right? Wrong.
UGH although he is one of the many people I wish would acknowledge my daughter's death and act like they even give a shit I am STILL so grateful for the many people that WERE/ARE there for me and Leila...
I love you all!
6 comments:
I'm so sorry!!! I know that doesn't change anything, but my heart breaks for you!!! I can't believe you were able to let the carseat go. All I can say is your so strong!!! I wish I was there to give you a big hug and then go slap your dad and let him know how badly he is hurting you! Just know you have so many people who are here for you even if we can't be physically. I will give you your much needed hug in July!!! I PROMISE=)
Thank you Michelle I can't wait for that hug and for the day I see you slap my dad lol I would enjoy that very much.
My heart breaks for you too. I haven't been able to part with ANY of Alexandra's things. I don't care what it is. I still have it. And I'm so sorry about your Dad. It's a shame he hasn't said anything to you about Leila. How can you ignore your own daughter??!!! I hope maybe one day he sees how much you need to know he cares. He's always going to be your Dad and just because of that, you need to hear he cares. Many hugs...
That's what I'M saying Maggie! I don't understand how he can ignore his own daughter. But we'll see what happens in the future maybe something will change his ways but maybe not.
Like I told you the other day THOSE ARE YOURS...not for anyone to decide if and when you are to part with them! I did want to comment, as unfortunately we have yet another thing in common a "Dead beat Dad"....although you do "speak" to him and his family from time to time, mine ran when I was 12 so that has been some time too. I think the "trigger" here is that your dad HAS his daughter here and acts like he doesnt and you would do about ANYTHING to have yours here for you and your BF and you didnt get that option...that hurts me all the time. One of my biggest things was why did God let MY parents get children and me no? I have come to terms with my mother as you know, but to be honest it will never be a normal relationship...we NEVER had a normal one so i dont even know what that is. Maybe Alyssa taughter her how to be a grandmother, and in turn taught her how to be a mother. Maybe im supposed to teach her, but i can not tell you a thing. What I can tell you is that you are blessed with a stepfather...which I am also a step mother so I know that the love I have for little anthony is as deep as it goes. I do have to 'share' him with his mom and i know SHE is the mother, but he will always have a part of me!! So as much as you wish your DNA dad would be there...you have your "real" dad to be there for you too....maybe you can just tell him "hey listen, what is wrong with you? Why are you so afraid to console me for Leila?" It may help you to get that off your chest or it may add stress...I still believe its a trigger...xoxo..thinking of you...sorry im catching up to your blog, as you know from mine its been a rough one :/
I completely agree with you Ann and I never thought of it that way (that my Dad has HIS daughter yet he doesn't appreciate me while I wish I had MINE) you're completely and I guess I never really put two and two together but I totally agree with that statement. My stepdad is definitely my saving grace and I'm so blessed to have him as is Anthony Jr. I think I will just leave my dad alone, I know he won't change he's been like this for 43 years of his life so I doubt he'll change now.
I do believe that Alyssa has changed your Mom. Your little princess has touched SO many lives I'm not surprised that your mom is trying to have a relationship with you now. Even if things never become "normal" I hope that she is able to be there for you like a mother should.
Post a Comment