Wishes

Leila,

I wish when I was tired I didn't have the option to go to sleep. I'd wish for sleep deprivation 24 hours in a row if I knew that I would be staying up to care for you. I wish I could have been breast feeding you every 2 hours instead of having to donate all my milk 2 months ago. I wish I could be giving you a bath instead of me sitting in my bathtub crying for you and wishing you were here. I wish instead of printing pictures of me and Daddy on our new printer, we would be printing pictures of the three of us on one of our family outings. I wish I would be skipping work because I was staying home with you, rather than calling in sick because my heart is broken now that you're gone forever. I wish we could cuddle under the blankets together every night rather than me holding on tight to your blanket every night. I wish I had to wash all of your baby clothes before you wore them rather than hanging them up in my closet knowing you will never wear them. I wish I could see you smile rather than replaying the moment me and Daddy thought we saw you smile over and over again in my head. I wish I could feel your warm skin on my chest again rather than trying to remember every detail about that moment I held you for the first time. Don't worry baby girl I didn't forget what it felt like I just wished I could actually relive that moment rather than going over it in my head over and over again. I wish I could wear you in the Sleepy Wrap I got for us rather than throwing it at the top of my closet in hopes that a rainbow baby will someday be able to wear it with me. I wish I could tell people yes I have a daughter she's __ months old rather than trying to come up with an answer to that question that won't make the people who ask feel uncomfortable. I wish I could be in Target shopping for new maternity clothes rather than looking for smaller clothes that won't be so big on me. I wish I could see your heartbeat on the ultrasound screen as the doctor tells me how beautifully you've grown rather than having the perinatologist take a look at my empty uterus for the prospect of a future pregnancy. I wish this blog were filled with pictures of you showing your growth instead of sad stories about how much I miss you. I wish you didn't get sick in the NICU. I wish you didn't die. I wish I didn't have to wish you were here. I wish you could just be here.

This list could go on forever and ever but I had to stop because the big lump in my throat just snuck up on me and I don't feel like crying again tonight. I just wanted you to know how much I miss you Leila. You are my world and no one will ever replace you baby girl. I love you SO much mamas!