Dear God, it's me...

Dear God,

When I was 12 years old you took away one of the most important people in my life, My Tutu (grandmother). She was only 51 years old but she died in a car accident. She was in the car with my Aunt and her two kids (as you know). She was the only one who died. WHY? I will never understand why SHE was taken from us but the others lived. At that time I felt like it was MY fault. We were leaving Washington from visiting family and my Tutu, Aunt & cousins went in one car and my parents, siblings and I went in another. I almost went home with my Tutu. They were telling me I should come with them and I wanted to but my Mom wouldn't let me (if I remember correctly it was because I had school the next day). Anyways, before we left we stopped at a gas station. My Tutu brought me hot chocolate to the car I was in. I said "Thank you Tutu" and my Mom told her "Have a safe trip". We drove back to our home in California and when we got there we were met by my Papa (who lived in Napa at the time). With extremely puffy red eyes we knew something was wrong. My sister and I were told to take our little sister and brother upstairs while my Papa talked to them. I remember holding my little brother (3 months old at the time) and hearing my mom scream and cry. I knew someone died. I didn't know it would be her. Never in my life would I imagine that she would die so soon. That was the worst day of my life (so far). I blamed myself for her death because I never told her "have a safe trip" like my mom did. I almost went with her. WHY didn't I go with her? God, I asked you WHY it wasn't me that died instead. There was no answer. I've never told anyone this but I "tried" to kill myself. I used quotations because I was too much of a chicken shit to really do it. I just scratched my wrists up a little bit knowing I wouldn't really die. It was stupid to even do it and looking back I would never do it again, but still I wished you would just let me die already. Now 8 years later the very worst thing possible happened to me and now I'm not sure where I stand with you. My daughter was born at 23 weeks 6 days gestation. She was taken to the NICU with hopes that she would survive. She lived for 18 days and then contracted an infection in her intestines and died. WHY did she die when she had SO many people praying for her? We prayed and prayed and prayed and then she dies anyways. People say everything happens for a reason but I still don't understand the reason for this. Was I not deserving of her God? Did I do something to offend you? I know I've done some things that I shouldn't have, but I don't think that was reason for my daughter to die. She was so young and so innocent so why did she have to die? I hate saying this but I don't understand how people can look to you for protection when these tragedies are brought upon us. I don't want to say I've stopped believing in you because I still believe you exist, but I just can't wrap my mind around why you let these things happen to us "good" people. At least I thought I was a good person. Am I a bad person? Is this why you took her away from me? I know people are going to tell me I can't lose faith when bad things happen but how can they even say that themselves? I'd like to know how they keep faith when this kind of thing happens. What makes them believe in you so intensely? Whatever it is, I'd like some of that. I'd like to believe that you are a forgiving and kind God but I just don't know anymore. I guess I'm asking for your guidance...which is weird considering I'm questioning you right now. Yesterday, Mustafa and I went to his company picnic. To no surprise there were TONS of couples with newly born babies there. Now I ask you, what makes THEM so deserving of their babies? What did they do so right in their lives that I didn't? I can't help but look at them with envy. I hate using that word because of the connotations associated with it but it's the best way to describe how I feel. I want what they have. Not that lunatic person desire where I would do something crazy to get what I want but I just wish I had my baby. I would've done absolutely anything for her. Although I'm young I'd like to think that I'm pretty mature for my age, so I don't think my age is what deterred you from keeping her with me. You give babies to little girls at the age of 15 so I can't imagine that would be the reason. I was ready to be a mommy and was really looking forward to it. I know I don't pray that often but there are tons of people in this world that don't believe in you at all and still get what they want. How is this so? I'm not one to judge someone for what they believe but why when I believe in you and pray to you all I get in return is heartache? I just don't understand it. Oh then yesterday when I went to see a perinatologist she told me my kidney surgery when I was FOUR years old most likely has something to do with me having a hard time carrying a baby. UGH really? At 4 years old I didn't even understand what having babies meant and now I have to pay for what they did to me when I was so young? Anyways God, I just want to say again how unfair life is and I really wish I could get a break. Please give me a sign that you're listening.

P.S. I continue to pray that you give other parents a break and not allow such heartache to enter their lives like it has mine and so many others I've met.

Amen