Unreal

I'm not even sure what to write about since my issue this time is something I want to keep private...but I felt the need to write something today. I took a trip to urgent care this morning and ended up spending about 4 hours being examined and getting blood drawn, then running to the pharmacy for meds and back for more testing because this silly woman made a mistake with one of the tubes she filled with my blood. It was a pretty emotionally and physically exhausting day. My fears haven't been 100% confirmed, but I can feel it in my heart that it's exactly what I think it is. I'll find out tomorrow for sure tomorrow though. It just seems as though anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Maybe it's my negative energy that's bringing all of the bullshit my way, but it doesn't seem to get any easier with positivity either. If what I have is what I think it is, it's manageable...but should I even be in this situation? :-/ It makes me SO angry to think things could have been different. I blame myself though. My body hates me. That's what it is. That and my poor choices is what got me in this predicament. I hate myself for it...but it's too late. I can't change it now. It's done. It's just unreal to be honest. I spent the past few weeks in this dark pit because I miss Leila so much it's physically putting my mind and body through hell, but now this has been weighing heavy on my mind yesterday and today. It's just another thing to add to the list of why I hate my life. I have a feeling it will affect my future and trying to have more kids. At this point I'm probably shit outta luck. I don't know anyone that would want to be with me ever...I'm fucked up. My long list of issues would scare any potential husband away. I'm only 22 and I feel like my life is over. I know it might not be realistic, but that's how I feel. Most women I know that have lost a child/children already have husbands and/or other children. I am not comparing one grief to another, but I feel like if I had these I would at least feel like I have something to live for...but this? I feel like I have nothing. The things that were important to me don't feel so important anymore and the things I want in life aren't coming anytime soon if at all...and that part kills me. I wish I knew the secret to being happy again. People keep asking me what I think would help me feel happy again, but that's the thing...I don't know. If I knew I would have obviously done it already. I think time will just have to work it out for me. I'm just an inpatient person, so maybe the first step is trying to be more patient. What a feat for me!...we'll see how this works out.

**added in a little later** Oh I forgot to mention that the CNA that helped me after I delivered Leila (who happens to be M's friend too) messaged me the other day asking if I'd be willing to be interviewed about my suffering after Leila. I agreed. She's in nursing school and is currently taking a Suffering and Death class. I've always been open about how I grieve and I think it would be good for "D" (the CNA) to learn about how we as BLM try to cope everyday and feelings we experience after our losses. I don't know the questions she will ask me just yet, but I plan on being brutally honest. I hope she learns something from it!